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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/01/2013 18:26

Youre not a bad person. Youre not well. The thoughts are your brain misfiring a bit. The crisis team will be here and will keep you safe and help you get better and get your head sorted a bit. Keep posting here. I'm listening, and I care

JayARC · 14/01/2013 18:27

Of course you're not a bad person, you are not very well and you have done exactly the right thing by seeking help like this. This shows strength, courage and insight. Inpatient treatment isn't pretty but hopefully it will only be til they get your meds sorted and your thoughts more manageable. Is there someone with you while you are waiting? Or someone you could get round? Stay strong

Branleuse · 14/01/2013 18:28

Is there any way you can get someone to come and sit with you?

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:34

Sorry.

My husband is here with me. He is very supportive which is great.

One of the signs is that it is snowing and my husband loves snow so it is a sign that today I should kill myself because he is happy because of the snow. And then the TV talked about pills just now which is a sign for me to take an overdose. I am so confused about how to kill myself, it is hard to know, and then I think maybe I should cut myself properly before they can admit me. But I am scared about doing it.

I sound crazy don't I? I am so scared. I am never like this. I don't know what has happened to my head. My psychologist was explaining things really rationally and I know that he is right, if someone was telling me the same things I would explain that it is irrational and explain they are trying to make sense of their thoughts. But I can't see to tell myself that. It is so confusing.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/01/2013 18:40

yep it is crazy, but its ok, because you know its crazy and youre getting help, because YOU are more than this spell and you can get better and will.

Sometimes seeing a professional can be really helpful. Sometimes it can be really triggering

Smudging · 14/01/2013 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:53

Thank you. I don't think I am manic but just mixed up, I don't feel faster or powerful anything, just very confused.

I have depression, BPD and OCD I think I just can't process everything with all of them mixing me up. My psychologist and CPN are normally very helpful. I was suppose to start low dose quietiapine last week but I thought it was a sign that I didn't want to take it. Even though I don't want to feel like this.

But if I know that how can I believe the signs? Ack.

I am so embarrassed to be like this.

OP posts:
JayARC · 14/01/2013 18:57

Sit tight, help is coming. And don't be embarrassed, this isn't your fault and you will get through it. They'll sort the meds. But just take it slowly - glad you're not on your own. I know it's horrid but you've done nothing wrong and you will get better.

Smudging · 14/01/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowyMouse · 14/01/2013 19:05

Big hugs fluffy

Iceaddict · 14/01/2013 19:13

Saw this and wanted to say I am also thinking of you. Try and remember the signs aren't real you think they are signs because you are poorly but the signs are not real. Please tell the crisis team the absolute truth and they will help you to get better. Don't be scared about getting help it will be better than whats going on now, you have support at home and on here. Good luck x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 19:18

Thank you. It is so hard to know what to do, what if the signs are in the hospital and I have to kill myself there? Finding it very confusing.

I feel so frustrated with myself. I am such a failure. I can't work, I am a drain on my friends and family, just a huge waste of space and now I am not listening to the signs which is another way I am a failure. I am scared of being punished for not following the signs.

So confusing.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 14/01/2013 19:23

They will be able to help you with that in hospital.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 19:28

But you are alone sometimes in hospital, I have SI-ed a lot in hospital in the past. I am so confused. What if I have read the signs wrong and I shouldn't have told someone. What if the crisis team don't believe me?

I am rambling.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 14/01/2013 19:34

As you said earlier, it's the mh issues you have that are mixing everything up, you need to keep telling people what is going on for you and they will help - they can support you by being with you constantly in hospital if need be.

Isabeller · 14/01/2013 19:37

I have been very scared and very irrational. Scaredness is very rational when you are in such a scary situation. You are so wise to be reaching out for help, you are enduring despite great pain.

I know what it is to feel a failure and a waste of space. Your integrity shines through, you are being as open as you can be to people who want to help. I hope you get the help and support you need and continue to find every scrap of your own inner strength and wisdom xxxx

JayARC · 14/01/2013 19:37

They will believe you but be completely honest - of course you're confused, your mind is a bit of a jumble and needs some medication and some peace. Have faith, it will calm down, it's frightening not being able to trust your mind but have belief that it will get better. And in hospital if your head tells you to hurt yourself find a nurse, have more faith in them than the signs, ok?

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 19:42

In hospital sometimes they are supportive, but sometimes they tell me off :( They say it is my responsibility because i have so much insight.

I know what the right thing is but it is hard. And of course other people don't see the signs like I see them because they are just for me not for them. Only I can know what God wants me to do because it is my destiny but I am so scared.

Thank you for your support. I am watching TV and internetting to try to distract myself until they get here and DH is sitting on the other sofa near by. I have had some cigs as well which sometimes help but don't tonight everything feels so jumbled up.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 14/01/2013 20:01

You can do it, people will help you to...hugs

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 14/01/2013 20:02

Hello, might you or DP need to pack a bag? And if you think you might want to smoke in hosp, put in all the fags you can find.

I went in in similar circumstances last July after a year of sleeping v v badly. OH (who I had just divorced! but not moved out at that time) suggested GP visit, I agreed, GP suggested Crisis Team, I agreed. Crisis team suggested voluntary admission, and Ex and DD took me in.

But he forgot to pack a toothbrush, toothpaste or nightie for me...

I was in for 6 days, meds got me down quick, then went onto quetiapine which really helped me sleep.

It will be alright.

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/01/2013 20:08

i answered on the sertraline thread but you are doing really really well fluffy in that you have recognised that you need extra help right now - and you went and found it. Thats brilliant.

hang on in there - tell the crisis team exactly what you have said on here.

You need a bit extra right now - and they can give it.

let us know how you get on fluffy
x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 20:15

I know what to pack etc but won't do it unless I have to.

I was in for three months April-June and then six weeks August-September so I know what to expect but I didn't feel like this. My management plan says that short (a few days) admissions are not appropriate for me which is scary as well. Uggh.

They are late which of course is a sign.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 14/01/2013 20:20

You can do it fluffy, I hope they're not too much longer!

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 20:35

Still no sign and now DH is cross with me :(

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 14/01/2013 20:42

Oh fluffy :( you're having such a hard time. Hope the Crisis team arrive soon and help you.

Remember, there is nothing out there which will punish you, it's just your neurons misfiring.