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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 18/01/2013 08:16

Hugs fluffy Don't be ashamed, it's the illness not you. I hope they make a plan earlyish so it's not hanging over you.

snowbanana · 18/01/2013 08:23

constant obs. never seen that either. last country i lived they just tied you onto the bed with leather belts, if they caught you selfharming etc. Or gave some strong tranquliser. Or put in seclusion. For minor things in my opinion.

WaynettaSlobsLover · 18/01/2013 08:24

Fluffy. You're actually doing very well in the face of what you're going through. Your brain is pretty tired and perhaps even overworked, hence the irrational thoughts and self harm. Don't be ashamed about anything because I will tell you now, this can happen to any person. Sleeping is good as it rests your entire body, and when you are awake, you can do colouring or even write a book. I think to write things down would be really good for you. When you're better you can look back on it. Focus on things you would like to do after you get out, maybe horse riding, painting, or going to a spa. In the meantime talk about how you feel with the staff. You are not bothering them at all, and I should know as I used to work with a lady who had a few problems with hearing voices and things. I used to sit with her and talk, we would have tea and biscuits, and walk around the place she was staying. Enjoy your day today and be very kind to yourself xxx

SnowyMouse · 18/01/2013 08:28

I had constant obs when I tried to climb the fence in the smoking area of the ward, I empathise fluffy, it is tough. I think it's preferable to mechanical restraints though. Take care fluffy

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 18/01/2013 08:47

I am tired. Only got three hours sleep.

The woman doing my 1:1 just told me that some people have a hard time and they just cope and some people like me don't. When I said I hope she never struggles with her mental health she told me that I had no idea about her life, she is just a coper and we all have choices to make and I choose the self harm route but she would never do that.

FFS.

I am fucking terrified. I am so scared of what I know I have to do, I am so worried that I keep getting it wrong. I know her comments are to show me what I should be doing. To keep me focused on what God wants. Lots of yellow today and snow and a bird. I want to go home :(

OP posts:
SPBInDisguise · 18/01/2013 09:11

Her comments were just that, throwaway comments if someone who was a bit stressed and as you pointed out, probably never struggled with her mental health. You say you can see this logically, please let the logical side of you be in charge until you're better

Branleuse · 18/01/2013 11:25

Her comments would have really pissed me off. A lot of people DO feel like that and yes, i guess we dont know abut her life, and whatever, she does seem to be coping, but youre not CHOOSING to not cope. Its not a fucking bundle of fun. She needs to get a different job

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 18/01/2013 12:06

When I was on constants I followed my constants nurse about - I was feeling sort of OK and my illness was different from yours - rather than the other way round. I found it interesting.

Birds were one of my signs, they weren't signs for me to do anything though, more a reassurance that the universe was looking after me. Have you tried praying?

snowbanana · 18/01/2013 12:11

oh, birds sound so calming!

i just get reminders of lizards. pictures of lizards, green on snooker table, plants looking like lizard tails, frying sausages looked like frying lizard toes.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 18/01/2013 14:29

I saw the doctor, I am still on constant obs for now. I asked to go home but was told I will be sectioned if I keep asking and they won't let me out.

I am seeing a lot of yellow today.

I didn't get much sleep last night, still full of cold. I have coloured in a peacock today (!) which was ok actually.

I had a huge cry with the doctor, felt very cross and frustrated. I feel like everyone is laughing at me but they can't see what I can see. It makes sense.

Then they said if I really wanted to kill myself I would have and they are right so I think I need to go home to do that but they won't let me :( I feel scared about it, but I know I have no future now. It just is my destiny.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 18/01/2013 14:31

Oh fluffy :( I wish I could say something more helpful, but honestly, it isn't your destiny. If there is a God he wants you to get better and be happier.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sunnywithshowers · 18/01/2013 14:51

Oh fluffy I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.

Hold on lovely xxx

snowbanana · 18/01/2013 14:56

oh dear. Did you discuss about medication?

SnowyMouse · 18/01/2013 15:04

I'm sorry you're in such a spot, fluffy Sad

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 18/01/2013 16:05

Thank you for your kind comments :)

I have starting coughing now in addition to my cold (punishment?).

The nurses are being pretty nice, I feel bad for having one to myself, bit of a burden.

Spoke to my Mum, I don't want her to worry, she knows I am in hospital but not the details. It was hard not to tell her that everything will be ok because God is showing me the way. I feel sad for her that she can't see what I can.

It is snowing here now. I have painted my nails as well, bright pink with silver sparkles.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 19/01/2013 12:47

Hi Fluffy

How are you today?

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 19/01/2013 13:08

Hello :)

I had a huge sleep last night, 2-10 so feel a bit less tired. I have to sleep with the light on though so I woke up a few times but got back to sleep. Very jittery today though, but I have been colouring and internetting. My husband is coming in a bit to visit and bringing me some more felt tips.

Still on 1:1, there is a lady who keeps stopping to talk to them (they are sat in my doorway) which is a bit weird because she can see in my room. I woke up this morning to her voice.

I feel like I am in a dream, but having someone with me helps.

OP posts:
TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 19/01/2013 13:30

Hi fluffy glad you got some sleep. All 4 times I have been in, it was because of sleep deprivation, either long term bad sleep or short-term staying awake for 4 days Blush, and in my case my theory is that I then began dreaming while awake.

I must say colouring in a peacock sounds rather nice :)

SnowyMouse · 19/01/2013 14:09

I'm glad you got a good sleep, fluffy I hope you have a nice visit Smile

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 19/01/2013 16:11

My husband has been and brought me lots of nice colours :) We then sat and coloured together, oh yes.

I spoke to one of the nurses about things, I said they are telling me to take responsibility for myself but I feel like my responsibility is to kill myself so it is hard to manage. Lots of songs on the radio today, lots of signs. It has snowed a bit here but DH says the roads are clear.

OP posts:
snowbanana · 19/01/2013 16:26

You are still seeing signs? Strange that they have not done anything to stop them? Have you asked what is their plan?

Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2013 16:27

Hello Fluffy

The snow here hasn't stopped all day and apparently tomorrow is worse snow-wise. But our road is a quiet road so it becomes unpassable with 4 flakes of snow - I went out earlier and the main road was clear. Do you have a view from your room? Is it a view of interest?

Glad you are talking to the nurses. How are you feeling about medication at the moment?

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 19/01/2013 16:30

The view is out into the garden, it is neither here nor there really. I tend to lie on my bed and look out into the corridor because I am nosey ;)

No medication, I feel like God is showing me these signs for a reason, it is hard to explain.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2013 17:03

You don't need to explain anything and you don't need to answer nosey question either ( but here's some more Smile .l
Are there lots of others (to nosey at) ? Is it like a block with individual rooms and offices for the stass?

And how's your cold?

Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2013 17:03

staff not stass - haven't a clue what stass is