Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

[snowbanana]

You can always ask something else than quetapine, if that is the problem.
Is this your OCD which is making you so obsessed about signs?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Hi Fluffy,

Sorry - I misunderstood about hearing voices v seeing signs.

It does sound like a hugely confusing and difficult time for you. Maybe if you try the meds, it might make the signs either clearer, or diminish, either way would be better than the current state?

Not to scare anyone but I've been on quetiapine + sodium valproate coming up to 5 years now (bi-polar) with no plans on stopping! Haloperidol made me sleep for about 2 weeks straight when I was first admitted, but seeing as I was so manic that i hadn't slept in about 8 weeks, it was what I needed in retrospect. I was sectioned too, not as scary as I thought.

Keema how are you?

[Fluffydressinggown]

Good morning

Well I am washed and dressed (actually I am always washed and dressed, I am very clean as a person). Slept ok last night, I was very upset but had some lorazepam which just takes the edge off.

I have woken up with a cold which is from my DH so annoying because here you can't just have lemsip etc. I am not allowed hot drinks anyway. DH is bringing me in some balsam tissues. I hate hate hate hate colds. HATE.

Feeling very jittery and upset again today, finding it hard to focus really, but the internet is good for that because you can hop all over the place instead of just trying to read one bit.

I was supposed to see my CPN today, last time I was in hospital she visited me here I wonder if she will?

Not taking the quietiapine was the first sign so it is important not to take it I think.

Food just tastes like cardboard, I am hungry but not for anything really. I have chocolate and crisps and mints etc but nothing I fancy really. I think this might be due to my cold as well as everything else.

[snowbanana]

You sound better. Have you had less signs lately?

Your quatapine sign is very odd though. You thought you can't take it, and that was a sign?

I had a sign not to take quatepine as well, but it was based on to the fact. I thought I can't take quatepine as I am co-sleeping with my baby and afraid getting so sedated that I sleep on her. Then I saw a sign: my baby flying in her white sleeping bag looking like an angel.

[Pancakeflipper]

Afternoon Fluffy

How has your day panned out today? Hope your CPN has been and hope the super soft tissues arrive soon with DH.

[Fluffydressinggown]

Hello.

Today there is a lot of blue - don't ask me to explain that though.

I have seen my CPN. She said she was very worried about me and that it is a psychotic episode but I am just not sure. She said she thought I would be in hospital for quite a while. She was lovely, I feel like I have let everyone down. It is hard at the moment. They said I am on 15 minute obs but I am not, nobody ever does them, which is maybe a sign. Hmm.

I feel very upset and scared today, very alone and frightened. Very jittery as well. The staff are nice but I know I am bothering them and they are fed up with me :(

I had some sweets before but they just tasted like cardboard. I feel very snuffly and gross.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Obs just means that someone writes down how you seem from your behaviour every 15 min. It means one of the nurses is keeping an eye on you and making sure you are safe. They don't take your temp or anything.

Blue sounds nice to me - like the sky...

[Pancakeflipper]

You have not let anyone down. I think you've done mighty well to say " I think I need help". So many deny there's anything wrong making it do much harder for family and friends etc.
Push that guilt aside.
Bet the staff aren't fed up with you. Bet you are model patient.

It's time, it won't stay forever, it will go but you need to repair your mind. Frustrating slow process but it will be ok.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I know what obs are, they just aren't doing them!

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Ah... is it like when I went in, you have your own room, also the minutest en-suite shower and toilet I have ever seen. And a day area and access to outside where smokers can smoke if they want?

[snowbanana]

I have been in three different hospitals (abroad) and never seen any obs! I thought it was just in movies they do them :D

[SnowyMouse]

I know they sometimes can be barely seen as they do obs very quickly, someone I know used to sit where they couldn't be seen from the door to test them (not suggesting you do).

[snowbanana]

They said I am on 15 minute obs but I am not, nobody ever does them, which is maybe a sign. Hmm.

I don't think it was a sign. You should stop thinking everything as a sign. There is so many things happening that you would go mental if thinking everything is a sign of something.

[Fluffydressinggown]

Cheers for that snowbanana, I know it might seem ridiculous to you but it is real for me. Please don't tell me I will go mental, I am in a psychiatric unit. I know you are trying to be helpful and I appreciate your replies but it just feels like you think I am making it up when you say that.

[snowbanana]

It was ment to be a joke type thing :) A sentence that bites itself.
Got it wrong, sorry.

You are not mental in a way that you have lost contact to the real world. you have some psychotic symptoms which needs dealing but you are still here.

[SPBInDisguise]

Thinking about you OP. Get well

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Fluffy hi (smile)

If you count Mumsnet, you're not alone.

I've had bouts of deep depression before where food tasted of... nothing, or like younsay, cardboard or I also thought of sawdust. It's very demoralising because I LOVE my food normally.

Do you like your CPN? I loved mine. Miss her a lot actually.

[Fluffydressinggown]

snowbanana - I know you did not mean to, I think I am just sensitive

I can taste the food it just feels pointless, hard to explain. I never ever ever have to make myself eat but at the moment, I am meh about it all.

My CPN is lovely, she is so supportive and brilliant, I am lucky. My husband brought my nail polish tonight so I will do paint them tomorrow.

I feel very jittery as usual. My Mum posted me some colouring books (and chocolate!) so I might do some colouring in a bit.

[funnymum71]

hey fluffy, it's me in my cunning disguise. just wanted to check in to see how you're doing and to let you know I'm thinking about you x

[Sunnywithshowers]

fluffy colouring in sounds great, I find it really relaxing. And chocolate, well...

Hope you're okay m'dear xxx

[Fluffydressinggown]

I tried to hurt myself again so now I an on constant obs :-(

So ashamed.

[SPBInDisguise]

You know this,I hope, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're ill. You just need to heal.
Try to eat regularly even if you don't feel like it, and rest. And do your nails :)

[Fluffydressinggown]

Not had a great night obviously.

On constant until I see the dr this morning, they are talking about a section.

I feel like the staff are cross at me :( It is embarrasing being followed around. I asked to shave my legs and the nurse just said 'if you feel suicidal the last thing you want to be doing is shaving your legs Fluffy' but the two are not separate :( If they do an autopsy I want to look ok.

[SPBInDisguise]

:( I imagine they're like most of us, wrapped up in their own lives, pissed off at the snow, maybe tired, maybe had an argument with their partner. Doing what they do is their job, I doubt your behaviour is out of the ordinary for them.

[SPBInDisguise]

though I forgot some weird people like snow