Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Hi again Fluffy. I love colouring, your peacock sounds nice.

The woman doing my 1:1 just told me that some people have a hard time and they just cope and some people like me don't. When I said I hope she never struggles with her mental health she told me that I had no idea about her life, she is just a coper and we all have choices to make and I choose the self harm route but she would never do that.

Well I used to have all sorts of misconceptions and wrong ideas about mental health too. Can't believe this person is on an actual ward, saying these things to patients!! As if it's your fault - does she have no compassion and understanding??

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Thinking about you fluffy. Can't offer much in the way of support at the moment, but I'm checking in and hoping that you keep yourself safe.

I wish I was somewhere safe like you are. Keep holding on. Your family and the staff will do their best for you. x

[AlexisCarringtonColby]

Hi fluffy, I've been following your thread and thinking about you, I just wanted to actually say 'hi'. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. Keep letting us know how you are, we all care. And please ignore that woman, she sounds like an absolute idiot.

[Fluffydressinggown]

It is a unit in a building (the crisis team, and some community teams are based here as well). Like there is a main reception and then you go round the corner to the door for the unit.

It is shaped like a cross, so the side bits are the rooms with a male and female corridors. The rooms are private with shared bathrooms. Then in the middle there is a clinic room where you have your meds and the staff office. And on the long bits of the cross there are lounges and rooms and a patients' kitchen. Then there is an enclosed garden (that my room looks out onto) where you can go to smoke. Does that make sense? The rooms have locks on so when you are out of them your stuff is safe, the staff just open them when you need it. The rooms are a bit like halls of residence, chest of drawers, single bed, wardrobe and a sink.

My cold is better actually, less congested, I have a cough but that is easier to manage somehow. I smoke as well which doesn't help.

I have coloured in some more and DH came again and brought me some foundation and we playsed Yahtzee. Exciting.

I still feel very confused, I get names and stuff muddled up a lot. It is difficult. I am scared. I am also fed up of people walking past my open door and starring in but I am not allowed to close it.

Thank you for your kind thoughts on this thread :) I am trying not to babble too much about the things God wants for me because I know people think it sounds a bit odd, but sometimes when I am talking/typing it is hard not to put it in.

[Iceaddict]

Hiya fluffy, still reading your thread and thinking of you every day. I bet plenty others are to.

[snowbanana]

Nice that you have private rooms.

Have your signs reduced at all? Interesting that they just let you see them and not forcing the meds in. I have always thought that you have to take the meds in hospitals. Where I have been they gave some pills just to shut you up. I was chatting with one man late at night in the corridor and the nurses just came and told me to take two pills of something and go to bed. I fell asleep in minutes.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I am informal so they can't make me take medication.

Lots of signs, more and more tbh.

[snowbanana]

But they can tell you not to leave by threatening to section you. They have not done the same with meds? Or do they think the signs go away on their own?

[Pancakeflipper]

The unit sounds ok and you get some peace. Have you tried any food yet? Tasty or not?

We have a friend who is sectioned ( seems to be a yearly event) and she has no appetite when ill but her husband brings her bags of chocolate that she keeps in a drawer.My friend and I visit her and help out on making that drawer a little emptier. She doesn't smoke until she goes into the unit. It breaks up the day she says.

Don't worry about babbling Fluffy. And confusion is expected so don't fret about that. It's all part of being ill and will improve as you improve.

Hope you sleep well tonight.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Hello lovely fluffy

I hope you sleep well tonight xxx

[sj2008]

Hey fluffy. Been following your thread, thinking of you this morning. Hope you managed to get a reasonable night's sleep. I know how scary and horrible it can be in there and that your head will be tired and confused but please try and believe you are in the best place to get better. This is just temporary and however deep you are it will pass. Try to take care x x

[SnowyMouse]

I hope you got a good night fluffy, and hope that you and they can come up with a workable plan.

[Fluffydressinggown]

Thank you for your kind words.

I had another ok sleep, lots of funny dreams though. I was woken up at 7 as well because someone was smoking in their room but went back to sleep until 10.

DH is coming tonight I think? I have found a slightly comfier way to sit as well. Will paint my nails later.

Still having lots of thoughts, it is hard to talk sometimes because I want to say about what I can see but then people say 'Fluffy (well tbh they call me by my name!) that is a coincidence/random/not a sign/why would God want you to do that...' but I know they are wrong.

[snowbanana]

They seem to be very human here in uk. Where I was tied me into the bed after two small and superficial cuts. I was also given a strong tranquilizer and let lay there 12 hours. I would think they would have force meds in if needed.

Anyway, I still think your thoughts of god and god's messages would disappear with a little help of some meds. Of course, if they are caused by dissociation meds won't work, or if it is indeed god talking the meds would not make any difference. You have nothing to loose.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Hi Fluffy, glad you slept well. Sorry you are still confused and don't feel like you can talk about the signs. I don't know it talking would help or not. Thinking of you x

[SnowyMouse]

Glad you got some sleep fluffy, take care.

[BlackCatinChaos]

Thinking of you fluffy Hope you are keeping safe.

[Fluffydressinggown]

This is a huge jumble.

I am feeling very anxious. I am still on 1:1 and the nurse just asked me if I thought I still needed them and I said no. But I know they would think I do, but I feel like if God wants me to die and that is my destiny then it is unfair on them to waste their staffing and time watching me, because at some point they won't be and it is just prolonging the inevitable. I see the consultant tomorrow so I am on 1:1 until then. I am so confused about everything, I am trying to think how I can kill myself tonight but there is no time.

Lots of blue today.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

fluffy as I recall even though God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He then stayed his hand, and aiui this was to show that He did not want human sacrifice. And Christians would say that He sent His Son to die for us, and that having done so, God would not ask anyone else to die for Him.

Tbh I am not a believer as such, but I do think that we are here to help others, and mostly I find that the universe is a good place.

Hoping you sleep well tonight.

[Pancakeflipper]

Hope you are sleeping Fluffy. Sounds a tough day. Hope you feel comfortable with the consultant tomorrow and able to say what you think and feel.

Hope it's happier dreams tonight.

[leelteloo]

Hi Fluffy, I hope you had more settled night. It does all sound very confusing for you and it must be so hard to experience so many signs. I was wondering if you should try and keep a note of all the different signs and your interpretations of their meanings so that it might be easier to discuss them with your consultant today? Sometimes I find writing down confusing and complicated issues can help me see a way through; also putting the thoughts out side of your self might ease the burden. I think it is very very important that you communicate how you are feeling to the staff. They need to know that asking you what level of obs you need may not always be the best way to keep you safe.
I hope today brings you some rest from the signs and you feel less anxious.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Hello Fluffy

Big hugs to you. I hope your day gets better. xxxx

[Fluffydressinggown]

I made a long post and then my internet crashed.

Finally got to sleep at 2 this morning after a long chat with a nurse and some lorazepam. Got up at 9, showered/make-uped. I still feel a bit zonked out that is ok I guess.

She was nice and she said she believed I believe what I do, but she didn't. She said she thought it was me trying to justify or make sense of my feelings inside. I don't know really. It makes sense but I know she is wrong.

My psychologist is coming to my meeting which is good because he knows me. DH can't come because of work. Still nervous about it all but normal I guess.

[violetsrblue]

I hope your meeting goes well. x

[SnowyMouse]

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you.