Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow.

Problem is, the two people I was closest to, the two people that I could speak honestly to about anything, are the people that have screwed me over. He said he loved me, she was one of my dearest friends. And as much as I am better with them gone, there is still a certain loneliness without either of them being present in my life any more.

My other best friend has been away in studying in another country for two years, though she is home now, and I'm seeing her tomorrow.

They let you down massively by being the cunts that they were but of course they have left a hole. It's ok to miss them. I'm glad your other friend is around tomorrow and you're seeing your cpn. What are you going to do to geth through tonight?

I'm watching the new BBC series "The White Queen". Enjoying it so far, though am going to start throwing things at the screen soon... Ooh, we're okay, Edward's just grown a spine!!!

Glad you're able to relax a little bit. Had a bit of a shitty day today myself. Had a rediculous melt down over washing. I have serious issues with washing, OCD sort of obsessiveness about it all being perfect. Today DH left one of those metal flippy lighter thingys in a pocket and it made the whole wash stink of lighter fluid. It was a tumble load and there wasn't enough time to wash it again and get it dried. I was fucking fuming about it. Screamed at him that he ruined it all.

Also I had a load of sheets ready to go away and no room left in my big clear boxes. This is unthinkable, as the cupboard makes things smell like old wood of they aren't boxed. And to me that makes it all dirty.

Cue major door slamming screaming meltdown. Couldn't calm down for about 2 hours. Even I can't work out why the washing is so fucking important, and why it makes me feel like that if it's not perfect.

I have serious issues over it and will have panic attacks if I think it's not going to dry right or I think there is a smell that is going to contaminate it. I seriously can't explain it.

You don't need to explain it to me, or to anyone here. That's the beauty of having friends who have mental health issues too.

I wish I could make it all easier for you, all I can say is try and think rationally where you can, accept it when you can't, and remember that right now you are going to be more emotionally anyway. Big hugs. xx

Really wish I could make things a million times easier for you too. I know I don't have to explain but I wish I could understand it just a little bit! Then maybe I would have a hope of sorting it out.

Sending you all the unmumsnetty hugs in the world back. I'm going to bed, will check back in tomorrow xx

Yeah I understand. Get some sleep, hopefully things will feel better in the morning. Thinking of you :)

Not holding it together tonight. A few things have come to light, am sobbing in bed, and just really hating the world.

Me either. DH is in hospital, had to have surgery. Sorry if I'm not on here for a while. :'(

Oh, sirboob, from what I've read there must be a non-contraceptive reason why you are on hormonal contraceptives but seriously, whenever I've taken the pill or the injection or the mini-pill, it's turned me into a frigging loon! So if possible, could you stop taking it, presuming it's the pill?
I know there is other stuff going on too.
My anxiety has been major major over the past couple of days but I went to my group spiritual healing thing today and I feel so much better.
I reckon it's the intense meditation as opposed to the healing but it does leave me feeling amazingly calm.

SirBoob - I hope you're ok. What's come to light? I am so sorry you are having a bad time . There isn't much I can do to help but hand hold on here.

You seem to be such a bright intelligent person with so much knowledge and helpful advice for all of us its a shame I can't return the favour in quite the same way.

Have things improved a little bit for you since Monday?

Well so far this week has been crap - the rest of it better improve!!! Spent last night in a&e after being in a ridiculous amount of pain following a routine vaginal examination. Got home at 3am - they did two more VEs whilst I was there, and I came home in more pain than I went in.

I'm going on strike

Oh SirB that sounds bloody horrible! How do you feel now? Why so much pain? Maybe some damage during the examination??

You really don't deserve all this shit ! I hope you are feeling better soon and don't you dare go on strike.

x

Oh joy ! Just seen a picture of dd on facebook having a tattoo today!

No wonder she's been quiet - a fine waste of ESA money that is!

I think I've finally run out of understanding .Had enough now

As much as it's hard Flora, you need to find more. Driving her away, even if you disagree with a choice such a tattoo, will simply confirm the insecurities she has, and encourage her fear of abandonment.

Ended up at the hospital again today. Started bleeding this afternoon, not due on my period for two weeks, and was in a lot of pain again. Went to GP as was told on Tuesday night to do so if I started to bleed, he began to examine me, saw how much pain I was in and sent me up to gynecology. Saw a gynecologist and a registrar, had a tans-vaginal ultrasound; I still have no answers :( have been referred for a full scan (as an OOH scan doesn't stay on record for some freaking reason) and then back to my gynecologist. The team are very nice, and they were really lovely, but I am so tired of dealing with health problems now. Seem to see a different department every week; psychiatry, gynecology, neurology... It's utterly exhausting.

You sound like you have been having a very rough time of it SirB! Gynae problems are exhausting on their own without everything else you have to cope with. Lets hope they have a diagnosis for you soon and can start fixing the problem .Are you resting as much as poss and eating ok ? Try and be kind to yourself. Maybe someone can watch your little boy for a couple of hours while you have a rest. Shame I can't pop round!

I have calmed down a bit after the tattoo incident. I spoke to dd on the phone (she is staying with her boyfriend for a couple of days)and I just said that she is over 18 and if a tattoo makes her happy and she likes it then that's ok. I didn't rant or rave. She just wanted reassurance that I still loved her I think. Course I bloody do.

I have a day off work today so I am about to go to Asda. Such a glamorous life I lead.

Take care

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

Sorry for being absent. Couldn't access MN for a week for some reason

Have had a tough week.

Big hugs, Heffa, how is he now?

Fuck all this shit. It just keeps getting worse.

Hi SirBoob - hadn't seen this until now. How are you doing??

I've been better, to be honest. Trying to bounce back. Had a great, busy, weekend, made sure I had every moment filled. But the feelings are still creeping in.

Know it's been a really hard few weeks and it will take a long time to be okay... But yeah. It's hard.

And it's all going down hill again. I'm fucking everything up.

I am sure you aren't, you are trying to cope with something that is hard. You feel bad but you managed to keep busy - I know thats not easy when you feel like shit.

big hug

I went to speak to my ex yesterday. Why the hell did I think that was a good idea? I wanted to know why he'd cheated on me and lied to me... Of course he denied it all, and tried to spin everything round to me being a bad person. And he commented on the new guy I'm seeing, because ex's friend (my old friend... the one he was fucking...) had a thing for him. He told me I was terrible person, that he was disgusted with me for having done this to , that he had no respect for me, that had lied his way into my bed, and that I was an idiot to believe him. And that (of course) he was the only one telling me the truth, and were both lying to me, why couldn't I see that?

Then there were come comments about having ruined his birthday last year, to which I told him to grow the fuck up. It was his idea we went on holiday, and if you go on holiday with a (then) nearly three year old, you won't be able to just kick back the entire time! Twat.

It was a stupid thing to do. What made it even more stupid was I then told about what was said, and he's understandably pissed off about it. He said he's not angry at me, but I shouldn't have told him. Am going to give him some space... I'm so worried he's going to end things before they've even really begun :(

The worst of it is that I still so desperately miss my ex and the friend. I know I'm better off without them, and that I can't trust them at all, but it still hurts, and I feel so very alone, having lost the two people I was closest to in my life.