Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

ADs are useful to BPD to keep the lows from getting too low, but the mood switches happen so swiftly that sometimes this is ineffective.

CBT is not the always the best course of action for Borderlines because of the methods involved, and, more importantly, the bits it misses out. CAT (cognitive analytic therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and STEPPS (Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problems Solving) are the best bets, especially the latter two. STEPPS is a relatively new treatment here in the UK with fantastic results, DBT is much easier to get hold of.

Then there is self treatment. Awareness of illness is the biggest step in this, maybe starting with reading the first two books I've mentioned. It is hard going at first to recognise what you feel are 'flaws' within yourself, but actually at the age she is, she has the biggest chance of changing things if she starts to work on them now; the recovery rate for BPD is higher when the treatment starts younger.

Request a different psych - some of them are useless when it comes to PDs. Tell them you feel that CBT is currently inappropriate, and that she needs to access some different treatments. Encourage your DD to explore these herself.

There is also a website called 'BPD world' that she might find quite useful, as it has lots of information as well as a forum.

Thank you for all that info SirBoob you have given me some hope. None of the other treatments you mention have ever been mentioned to us by anyone at all. Maybe we will have to go private as the NHS doesn't seem to have much to offer us in terms of MH treatment. My dd had to fight to get to see a psychiatrist and then he was bloody useless. I will get hold of the books you suggest and have a look at bpd world.

Knowledge is power !

It might be worth contacting your local Mind to see if there are any PD specialists they would recommend in the area. Psych teams are sadly a mixed bunch, some of them are fabulous, and some are fucking terrible. MY current psych is awesome, but the one before him was useless!

All of those treatments are available on the NHS. Problem is that CBT is very much the modern version of prozac; hand it out to everyone, for everything. And whilst it does great things for some people, it's not a one size fix all solution.

Knowledge really is power. And the recovery rate from BPD is increasing. I'm 22, so not much older than your DD, and at 16 / 17 was about as ill as she is now; now a few years on, including doing the STEPPS program I mentioned, I am stable. Not 'recovered', but stable. I've been off medication for a long while now, nearly a year, apart from the odd valium, have been self harm free for over six months, and for the first time in my living memory, I'm not thinking about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't quite 'like' myself, but I'm starting to respect myself, and have developed acceptable standards for how I'm going to be treated. Know all of that might sound very 'normal', but for a Borderline, those are huge things.

I do believe that it is possible to recover, so don't loose hope :)

Hey sirboob :) you should be so proud of how you handled the conversation with twat. It must have been really tempting to start up contact with him again. Sorry you have been feeling so down, what normally works to pick you back up again?

Flora - please try and remember that as difficult as you are finding coping with your dd, she is going through much much worse and needs your support. Especially what she's been through, you have no idea the damage that will have been done.

Yeah... I deliberately asked him to his face rather than texting him so that it didn't open up the communication again. Think that was the right thing to do.

Just need to ride this out, I think. It'll pass. Dunno if I can manage therapy tomorrow though

How are you doing, Heffa?

Okish. Pretty down today, felt pretty stuck, ended up sleeping lots of the day. I keep feeling really insecure and anxious, but I'm not sure how much of it is the pg hormones. Had a nice weekend though. Cuntface neighbour hasnt been home much, but the dogs haven't been too bad which is really good. Feeling a bit more safe at home again now.

I know what you mean about not being able to face therapy. It takes so much to go there and work things through, but I always make myself because although I will feel drained afterwards I usually feel a bit lighter. Sometimes it just makes me see that I am actually doing well even if I feel shitty.

Honestly you sound like you are doing everything the best/healthiest you possibly can, so be proud of yourself please :)

I cancelled my childcare for this afternoon, and now trying to sort it back out. Found of a woman from a chronic pain support group I'm part of online committed suicide because she couldn't cope with all the pain this morning, and it threw me. Thing is, I can completely understand why she did it. Goodness knows I've been there. Was upsetting. Didn't help that as I was walking to the bus stop from having dropped DS off at playschool, I saw a van pulled in a drive way from a company called "Cutting Edge". Exactly what I wanted to see this morning

So I came to the logical conclusion, and did what anyone would do... Went and had a McDonald's breakfast. The calories should keep me going for a month... Then I got some orange juice from the shops, because I forget to eat (or punish myself by not letting myself eat sometimes) when I'm low. So at least that way I'm getting some vitamins.

I thought I was the only one who did the food punishment/control thing. It was actually one of the hardest parts of being newly pregnant for me. I couldnt do that anymore because not only is it completely unfair on the baby, I would pass out within a couple of hours anyway. Luckily my appetite is bonkers now I'm further along so it's much easier. Good thinking on the orange juice though :)

Thanks SirBoob - My daughter is always saying that she hates herself. If she is down and I ask her what is wrong she always says its because she hates herself inside and out and she is an ugly rat. She has been ill treated in the past by friends and boyfriends but always lets them get away with it just to keep them. Never really works though.

The best friend she has is a recovering alcoholic (I know it sounds bad !) that she met when she was in the mental health assessment unit. She is truly helping him stay off the bottle and he is gentle with her and listens to her problems. They are just friends so there's no pressure on dd to be his girlfriend. He seems able to help her when I can't.

She has been to the local Mind but it wasn't all that good and she won't go back now.

I am glad that you are stable and coping so well without meds . You are inspiring me and giving me food for thought.

Heffa - Thanks for your reply - I know she is going through a difficult time and its difficult for us as a family. I get worn out but I will never give up on her. I am always on her side and am slowly learning about the condition that she unfortunately is suffering from.

Nope, major food issues here too. I swing from extremes with it, so barely eating, then binge eating. Thankfully I have managed not to purge for a long time, but the temptation is there a lot. This is more balanced than it used to be but still hard to control. I also genuinely forget to eat a lot, and then find it hard to get back into a routine of remembering to. Before I went on one of my medications, I could easily go for a few days without eating much. This has to be taken with food however, so I tend to have one meal a day now. Cried the first few nights I had to eat in a row

Flora, it's not so much 'letting them get away with it'. It's a combination of both a fear of desertion, and also feeling like you don't deserve to be treated any better than that. Then of course when the shit friends and shit boyfriends inevitably leave (because they were shit), your self esteem is that bit lower because of everything they've done to you, and so the cycle starts again. Doesn't sound bad to have a friend who has a mental health condition; look what we're all doing here :) Don't block that friendship, as my parents were concerned at first about me forming such strong friendships with fellow sufferers. But there is a comfort in knowing that someone completely understands what you're going through. I'm still in touch with many of the friends I made when I was first in hospital. We can not talk for months, then if one of us needs some support, everyone rallies around. One of the wonderful things about being friends with fellow sufferers is that it feels okay to be struggling, and sometimes that is half the battle; feeling crap, then feeling crap about feeling crap! Taking half that issue away gives you permission to be ill, and that in itself is a huge release.

I managed therapy today. Think it was somewhat productive. One of the other Borderlines was having a rough time, and we were discussing her situation as a group. I helped her reach a conclusion that she'd hadn't thought of before, and it made me feel good to have been of use.

Then stayed to have dinner with my friend who was looking after DS. Did mean we didn't get home till 9.30 (oops...) but DS is so laid back, he didn't seem bothered.

Am struggling with paranoia and self blame right now. Eugh. And I'm really bloody fed up of being ill. Physically and mentally.

SirB - The way you describe yourself , issues with food etc sound like you could be my dd talking. The difference is that you are very aware of the affects of bpd and are full of useful tips and info and you are helping me a lot.
I met some of the people my dd made friends with in hospital and they were all lovely people. The most understanding was the one with alcohol problems and I am glad they are friends. I started to feel like a patient too because I was often there for the whole of visiting time and even took my slippers in!

I hope your paranoia has improved today. Try and be kind to yourself - you seem like an amazing girl.

Can I ask your advice about how I should deal with my dd when she has harmed herself. Do I ignore it? or mention it? try to discuss it with her? I know I must never tell her to stop doing it or make her feel bad but it does upset me and I want to act (react) in the least damaging way possible.

Thanks for all your help.

Flora, it's a hard journey becoming aware of your illness. And then harder working out exactly how much it has reach it has over your life. It takes a fair amount of time. I'm still working on it. Because the thing is, BPD affects every single second, every single thought, and every single action. And until you know that, you can't control it. It;s hard work. Fucking hard work. But there is hope... I never thought I would say that I believed I could one day recover. Now I do. I might not ever be completely symptom free, but I do believe I will get to the point where I no longer match the diagnostic criteria.

RE self harm. Your best bet might be to discuss that with her personally, to see how she feels about it. Remind her to stay safe with it - I know that sounds bizarre, but good wound care etc - and tell her that if she would ever rather speak to you about it when she gets the urge to harm, you are there. With BPD, the mood swings tend to be sudden, violent, and short lasting. So very often you will self harm, badly, and then be 'fine' again half hour later. When you can get to the point of waiting the mood out and not acting on it, it's a huge thing. Giving her that option is important, without putting the pressure on her to do so.

I'm feeling a bit more level currently. DS had a massive melt down in town, though I kept calm, and managed to calm him down a short while afterwards.

Well done for keeping calm sirboob. If I'm honest I'm terrified about how i will cope with this baby, so it's brilliant to hear about you and ds. I've been in psychotherapy for over a year now, and am definitely better than i have ever been but I know I still have times where I'm not right. I just don't want this little baby to be affected by it at all. I want to be the calm rational mummy, not the emotional wreck mummy.

I'm scared I won't be able to love her or that the expectations I put on myself will be so harsh it will ruin it all. I'm scared that I will either see myself as a good mum or a bad mum (more likely the latter), no grey areas.

This baby was a real surprise/shock and I would have liked to wait until I was out of therapy and back in work before ttc, but I'm really trying to make the best of it. I just want to be a good mum. What's it like being a mum and borderline if you don't mind me asking?

Heffa. My psych wants said to me, "SirBoob, the fact you're sitting here crying saying to me that you want to be a good mum means that you are a good mum. Crap mum's don't care if they're good mums". That keeps me going sometimes.

I chose to parent in a way to prevent the damage as much as I can. I practiced natural term breastfeeding, I co-slept and I used a sling when possible (sadly not as much as I would have liked because of physical health). I also 'gentle parent', and encourage him to feel his emotions. Never tell him not to be angry or sad, preferring to comfort him for feeling that way, but not tell him it is wrong. Same as I shower him with praise, and tell him how clever / kind / friendly / caring he has been. I don't say 'no' to him unless needed, and when it is needed, I explain why. This means that sometimes my house is a mess but he has learnt to tidy up .

I made these choices based on my knowledge of child psychology, and also being painfully aware of the fact that my health will affect him to some degree; I have several physical conditions as well. I am parenting in the hope that I can minimise the impact. And I strongly believe I made the correct choice to parent in this way; my son is a bright, happy, lively, fun loving and empathetic little man.

I won't lie and say that parenting and being a borderline is easy; it's not. But then I don't think parenting is ever easy :) My life seems worth living now that someone needs me in it, and in a way I will be forever grateful to him for allowing me believe I have a reason for existing.

You're in a strong position because you are acknowledging the possible difficulties already, you're not burying your head in the sand. There will be hard moments. There will be moments where you look at this small crying thing, and wonder ''What the FUCK have I done?!". And again; that is parenting, that's not BPD! And parent who says they have never felt that way is lying The other side of it is that it is the most amazing thing you will ever do. Every little noise they make, every time they move, every wondrous little second, will change your life.

You will be fine. And we're all here to support you :)

Thank you that's really helpful. I hope you are getting something from this thread too, it seems like you are the counsellor on this one!!

I have been much more drawn towards the sort of parenting where you follow your instincts if you get me? I have avoided reading all the books, and ignored my mum when she has said things like 'the baby will try and manipulate you by crying'. I want to be as loving and nurturing towards the baby as possible, and i just want to be able to enjoy her, rather than panicking about all the small stuff.

I know it's going to be hard, so I have been working on my tolerance of negative emotions. I am slowly learning to sit with them, acknowledge them, but not let them crush me. I think that's the best way for me to prepare for the hard times.

Honestly I can't say enough how much I appreciate your advice. It's one thing to hear lots of mums say it's the best thing they have ever done etc but to hear someone with bpd say it makes me have hope it can be true for me too.

Are you anything like me about control? Due to things in my past I am now a complete control freak. Even being pregnant has been incredibly uncomfortable at times because I'm not in control of what's happening with my body. If you are like me in that respect, has it affected your ability to parent? I don't want to be that mum that doesn't let her child breathe or have any fun because they have to be controlling every tiny little thing. Its one of my worst flaws and I don't want to stop this baby from enjoying life.

Ignore ignore ignore your mother. Babies cannot 'manipulate' you FFS, crying is their only way to communicate. And instinctive parenting, responsive parenting, along with attachment parenting, reduces the risks of mental health issues in later life. Totally agree re books. Though I now hide Gina Ford ones in book shops

I struggle with control too. Honestly, I've learnt to accept that it's okay for things not to follow the plan all the time, and to go with the flow more. I read a fantastic article about ''why are you saying no?'' when DS was about a year old, and it really changed my approach to everything. I'm still in control of the overall scheme of things, but sometimes things work out differently; growth spurts or sleep regressions means that things go on hold for a few days, teething means that you have you change your plans slightly, working out where has the comfiest chairs to nurse in means that you might not get your favorite coffee when out and about. I also have tried to allow DS to control some of the situation as well. On days when I can, I ask him what he'd like to do. Some days he doesn't have a choice - but when he does, I ask him.

I'm actually a lot more relaxed as a person since becoming a parent :) It's given me a reason to control my symptoms, whereas before I didn't care if I ended up in A&E every week.

Well done with learning to sit out your emotional episodes, that's really hard to do!

Funnily enough it's being pregnant that has caused me to make real progress with tolerating emotions. When I found out I went into a complete spiral, panic attacks, complete meltdown and there was no getting away from it. I was taken off meds, couldnt drink to blot it out, so i had to face it. My psychotherapist upped my sessions, and we worked through it all. Its probably the hardest thing iv ever done, but I feel stronger for it. I really thought it would break me and it didn't.

Believe me, I completely ignored what my mum said. I also ignored her when she told me that babies dont need to be held/cuddled, they learn to like it apparently.

I have avoided the books because I'm well aware that my brain will decide that the way they say it all has to be done is the only way, and anything other than that is failure. I don't need that pressure.

I really hope that I can go with the flow like you say, I'm just going to have to take it one day at a time. Thanks again sirboob, I really wish I had a friend like you in rl.

SirBoob and Heffa - Hope you are both ok. Can't post much tonight as my mum is in hospital - heart problems!

But thanks for all your advice so far.

Flo

Heffa, I say this gently, but your mum sounds like an influence you could really do without. I don't know about you, but I've certainly realised that so much of my BPD comes down to things my parents did when I was younger. Which makes me even more sure not to repeat the same mistakes for DS. You sound like you're incredibly on the ball with knowing your illness :) And hey - if you ever fancy a trip to Brighton, you have a friend and a sofa here! :)

Flora, thinking of you, hope your mum is okay. x

I'm so emotionally drained today. Just completely exhausted.

Sirboob - bad day? Be nice to yourself! When I feel like that I go home, get in my pjs and wrap myself up in a blanket. It's really comforting.

About my mum, 95% of the time now she is nothing but a fantastic support and friend. However she was not always that way and has some very strange views on children. She was very cold during my childhood (she was v depressed for years) and seems to have the view that it is parent vs child in a battle for control. I don't want to be like that, so take any advice from her with a pinch of salt. Same as you though there is a lot from my childhood that contributed to my warped view of the world and different issues.

I'm really getting there with understanding how my mind works, and the more I understand, the more i seem to be able to deal with it all.

Thanks! I came to brighton on a girly weekend a couple of years ago and loved it!

Flora - sorry to hear about your mum. Hope she's ok.

I respect DS as an equal. Yes there are some times where I am in charge, but it doesn't have to be a battle for power. I watch some people parenting like that, and not only do I feel sorry for the child, but for them, as it must be so tiring to feel like you have to 'win' all the time.

Yes to dealing with things more when you understand them. It's hard work but worth it.

Yeah, bad day, not even sure why. Just hard work.

Ugh some days just are. I had one like that yesterday. It's dh's bday next weekend and my plan was to have a nice day shopping for his presents. I didn't leave the house until about 2pm because everything was such an effort, then went to two shops and gave up. Ended up coming home, putting on pjs and wrapping up in a blanket lol. I'll try again next week. Sorry its been a tough one :(

I do a lot of my shopping online for that exact reason. That, and because even though having my wheelchair saves me a lot of energy and pain, the extra thought process of having to maneuver around fuckwit people who see wheelchairs as inconveniences stresses me out!

I think that when people act like that it gives you the unquestionable right to kick/hit/run them over. Then do it again just for good measure. Or simply take a taser out with you, that'll get em moving! What utter twunts. You don't need that!!

Hahaha that's a good plan.

I'm stressed. Feel overwhelmed by life in general today I think. WIll be able to write it off and start again in half hour, at least.