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Original poster

Please help, I'm a total mess after counselling

384 replies

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 14/08/2012 12:40

My second counselling session was this morning and it has totally floored me. I am shaking like mad, can't think straight and have spent the last hour vomiting.
I hate talking about what happened, actually that's a lie, I CAN'T talk about it. I hate dragging it all to the front of my mind and ending up like this. Does it get any easier? I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to curl up in a ball and never wake up.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 18/08/2012 09:51

10 minutes to go - give her a big cuddle when she gets there. :)

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 19:11

Well I managed a walk to feed the ducks with dd, she's flat out now Smile
Still struggling tbh. Keep looking at the medicine cupboard. I suppose it's just the tiredness. I don't really know why I'm posting really.

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CailinDana · 18/08/2012 19:34

It's good that you're posting, it's far better than sitting there on your own.

How are you doing?

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 19:45

I'm not great but managing at the moment Cailin. I just wish I could switch my brain off for an hour and have a rest. Thankyou for asking x

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mummysmellsofsick · 18/08/2012 20:12

cuppa I am so so sorry to hear about what you went through. How can anyone do these things to a vulnerable defenceless girl? I don't have any advice but I am thinking of you and I am so sorry and angry on your behalf that you could have been treated this way. Your dd needs you please remember she loves you and look after yourself. And lots of good advice from others here.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 20:28

Thankyou Mummysmells. They were vile, vile people but I could have done a lot more. My own stupidity left me in the situation a lot longer than I could have been.

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achillea · 18/08/2012 21:46

Cuppa, you could not have done anything. It's easy to say in hindsight, but the reason these things happened is because they were vile people - they made darn sure you weren't going to do anything. They did it by putting you in a psychological trap. The body can do nothing if the mind can't make it, they know this. They are evil people and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm so angry for you, but I wish you could be too!

NaturalNature · 18/08/2012 21:48

Do you feel up to talking about that? It wasn't you're stupidity, at all, but you have to believe that.

How are you now?

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 22:12

I think I knew at the time that we needed to run. There was no getting out of it. I am just so angry that we let it get as far and as bad as we did.
I just ended up numb to it. In my head I was screaming to myself to leave but couldn't. Nowhere to go, very little money, couldn't tell family. Now looking back I would have been safer sleeping on the streets.

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NaturalNature · 18/08/2012 22:29

Trust me, the streets aren't safe. You sound like you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What do you think you could have done? I was a street kid, it was as abusive as home, albiet in a different way.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 22:35

Oh Natural I am so sorry x I truly hope I haven't offended you.

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Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 18/08/2012 22:35

Oh Natural I am so sorry x I truly hope I haven't offended you.

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NaturalNature · 18/08/2012 23:22

No, not at all, I'm trying to show that you did what you did to survive, the choices you made when you didn't have many have meant you survived to become a wonderful woman and mother.

You survived a horrible, horrible situation, the choices you made got you through, don't beat yourself up. Be proud of the kid you were getting yourself out of it. You are not still there, not repeating the crap and though it's difficult atm you are not going to let it drag you down, ok sorry if I'm being stern

mummysmellsofsick · 19/08/2012 08:22

You obviously did get out of the situation as soon as you could. Keep talking to us on mn and I hope you got some sleep last night.

rubberglove · 19/08/2012 11:55

Cuppa, thinking of you. I hit rock bottom with pnd and anxiety, after my ds was born and the childhood abuse I had kept repressed surfaced.

I am now happy and secure, it can be done.

This thread has given me faith in humanity, So many lovely caring people and cuppa you sound so brave and such a lovely mum. Hang in.

NaturalNature · 19/08/2012 12:12

How are you today Cuppa?

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 19/08/2012 14:43

Thankyou for all of the replies. Sorry I didn't post again last night, I wasn't too good so just had a bath and watched dd sleep Blush
I am a little better today. Well not great but managing iyswim.
Rubberglove, I am so sorry that you have endured this as well. I do agree with you, the lovely ladies (and yourself) that are helping me and 'listening' does show that there are a lot of wonderful people out there.

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wanttomakeadifference · 19/08/2012 19:53

Hi cuppa, 'managing' sounds good to me, given how tough things have been for you.

I know you find evenings especially hard, I do hope you are ok?

Do you still plan to visit your GP tomorrow (hope that doesn't found too nosey). FWIW I think you should go, and be explicit about how you have been feeling- but of course it is your choice and we are all here to listen whatever you decide.

mummysmellsofsick · 19/08/2012 20:06

Just remembered that I've heard it said (by a psychologist friend) that when things come up in this way, either in dreams or flashbacks after years, it's often because the person has reached a stage in life where they have the inner and outer situation that will allow them to acknowledge the trauma. Having a dc or getting married are often triggers because the person is basically 'held' by the love of their child (or for some people partner) and the unconcious throws up memories that are only possible to encounter in the light of that level of love that you have for your dd. anyway, ignore if not helpful, I just remembered him telling me this and I thought I'd pass it on. He said deep traumas normally don't become conscious in this way unless we have the ability (however awful and difficult) to face them. I'm not a psychotherapist though, so I can't advise any more than that. He was a jungian therapist if you do want to follow up that line of thought. Anyway I do hope you find something that helps soon.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 19/08/2012 20:27

Wantto, I am going down hill slightly at the minute but hoping I can hold on until morning. I am going to phone the gp, just for a telephone appointment, I don't feel strong enough to walk there and talk face to face.
Mummysmells, that makes a lot of sense. If I didn't have dd I would have ended it a long time ago, but now she's here, I have to face it (not that I see it like that all the time). I am not doing very well at saying that the way that I mean to but I hope it makes a little bit of sense.

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achillea · 19/08/2012 21:09

What mummy says sounds spot on. It may well be that you are feeling more secure now than you have ever been, and able to acknowledge the trauma. However you do seem to be fearful of getting angry with the perpetrators and that is where a trained professional will be able to help you. I am worried the gp will just put you on meds which will just shelve the healing process that has started.

Have you talked to Childline? They will know exactly where you're coming from and what the best options are.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 19/08/2012 21:21

Achillea, I have already been put on meds, I'm hoping that when they kick in they'll take the edge off slightly.
I don't feel worthy of phoning childline tbh, I don't feel that I was a child. I was 16, I could and should have protected myself.

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NaturalNature · 19/08/2012 21:35

You were still a child and you were vulnerable to the people bastards around you at the time.

I've done some inner child therapy and it has really helped me to connect to the person I was and forgive her me

wanttomakeadifference · 19/08/2012 21:36

Cuppa, 16 is a child, it really is. Just as when your DD is 16, she will still be a child.......

Sorry to hear your evening is tough, it must be so draining to know that each evening is going to be an ordeal Sad.

I do think there is very real hope that you could feel much better, and get the joy joy out of life that you deserve.

I'm sad on your behalf that you are going to have to muster so much strength to make yourself heard to your GP tomorrow. Sorry to labour the point, and I'm sorry if I'm interfering but remember to tell her that you feel actively suicidal on a nightly basis and that you are only managing to keep going because of DD. If (which I really hope doesn't happen), she doesn't offer more suitable help you ask her directly why she is not giving you access to a crisis mental health team (which exists in every county). Remember that such crisis teams' key aim will be to treat you using your home as a base, so you shouldn't be frightened into thinking that if you get referred someone might try to
Admit you onto a ward.

Hugs.

Original poster
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 19/08/2012 21:46

I know what you are saying is true, yet I can't see my 16yr old self as a child. I wasn't, I lived as an adult, just as I do now Sad I want my mum to look after me the way I will always look after dd but that will never happen, it never has happened.
It is awful knowing that every night is going to be the same. The thoughts, the flashbacks, the nightmares, its like groundhog day.
I can only hope that the gp will help tomorrow.

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