If a car ran over your foot...

[DrasticMeasures]

it would damage it, wouldn't it? What might happen?

Please call them. They can help , it wont mean admitting you.

DrasticMeasures, I feel guilty because I brought up hospital on your thread and I feel I have worried you too much. What I was trying (very clumsily!) to say was that when I was admitted my self harm was pretty bad and I was ready - not like you at the moment! I think my thought processes were similar. I am really sorry for bringing it up.

Your self harm is manageable at home and you want to be at home - both of these things are brilliant starting points for working with the crisis team to get better AT HOME. They will do everything they can to support you in your own comfortable surroundings. Please ring them for support, they can provide a package of care which involves visits and phone calls which can help you get better. They can also re-refer into secondary services, for example if you need to see your psychiatrist again they can push for this or they can help start you on the road for some therapy etc.

Please ring them and be clear that you need support to stay safe.

Oh and sometimes they literally came, had a cup of tea with me and listened to me rant/cry/talk for an hour - it was a bit like being wrapped in a blanket and held for an hour because there was someone there for me, acknowledging my distress and supporting me in it.

Drastic, you need to phone the crisis team. If you allow yourself to spiral further without help, you may well end up in exactly the place you don't want to be, so PLEASE phone them and get the help while they still can help you.

Phone the crisis team - how long are you willing to let this go on? Seriously.

I feel like i'm looking in a mirror here; same job, same feelings. Work very unsupportive and put me on pre competency!! Never had more than a couple of days off in 20 yrs but in march, enough was enough and have been off sick since then.
Even if its time to just be away from toxic situations like work and re evaluate whats important please do it! See another doc if possible to get signed off! During that time make yourself blank out work (impossible to begin with and i still struggle but am starting to be able to).
Just knowing you have time where youre not forced to go helps and during that time you can look for another job (different school)? Worse comes to worse go on supply ; less miney but worth it in the end!
The thought of going back terrifies me. New head is an out & out bully who has systematically got rid of all existing teaching staff within 6 weeks and I'm the only one left so am in her firing line!
If you want to pm me, please do!!

Thank you all. Being at work was wierd. I've had to keep my arm covered and worn a tubigrip thing on my wrist, which has drawn attention to it but better than seeing what is there. I found out today that I now have to go swimming - in the water with the kids I absolutely cannot go swimming looking like this so I don't know what to do. There is no-one else who can go.

Sorry you feel like this too, janji.

I'm scared of calling the crisis team because:

I don't feel like this is a crisis - I don't know what is. My life is not in danger.
I don't want to make a fuss about nothing
I don't want to make things worse.

You wont make things worse.
Its not a crisis but the people who you have spoken to are not helping and you need to talk to people who can help.
They wont think you are making a fuss i promise !

Drastic.
This is so far from a "Fuss about nothing" I can't believe you even think that.
You are on the edge, from what you have posted, of a crisis. Why would you want to wait until it gets to a full-blown one? The crisis team will be there as much to prevent a crisis as deal with one - so phone them and let them decide whether or not you need them.
It won't make things worse - it could be the very support you need to start you on the upward swing again instead of the downward spiral you appear to be in.

You may be able to put something waterproof over your arm to go swimming, if you can't think of a reason (ulcer, infection in the skin) that your arm shouldn't get wet.

Please just call the crisis team and explain HONESTLY how you have been feeling.

am i the only person who thinks she gives employees a bad name?

if genuinely you cant cope, you need help with that. Not a sick line for a dodgy foot. you can't stay off work forever, unless you plan to go on to benefits. one day you will either have to go bk to work or leave.

and a dodgy foot is a bit obvious if its damaged or not. i think you should seek help for your mental health and not your foot. and discuss it with your family, that this is the point you have got to

Yes, you are the only person who thinks that. It's not a helpful thing to think at all, but you are entitled to think it. However, it's a deeply unhelpful thing to post on a thread started by someone who obviously has troubled mental health.

I had a long talk with DP about all this and he's going to call my psych today. It turns out DP doesn't think I'm properly depressed because I can get out of bed every day and everyone is fed and looked after I explained how that is the problem - because I don't behave like the stereotypical depressed person, no-one will help me and it will take something like a suicide attempt to make people stop and listen and maybe believe me that I'm finding this very difficult. I don't want it to come to that. I feel like I've asked for help, I've done all the right things, taken my meds, distract myself when things get tough, I go to work, clean the house, feed DC etc. And because I do all the right things and appear to be coping, no-one will help - both my GP and psych have said that. I'm not going to beg and I'm tired of fighting. I can't do this anymore. DP said he'd see what he can do. So, we'll see. I feel quite relieved that someone else might help me now.

I've been back at work for a day and whilst the day was fine, I didn't sleep again last night so feel shocking this morning. This is how it all begins I have managed to avoid the swimming thing for this week so that's another relief.

Thank you for being supportive. This thread wasn't what I originally intended but it has really helped me get through. It's helpful to be able to say how I feel and not be judged - it's helped me remain relatively sensible & not act on all of my urges & for that I am very grateful. Thank you all so much.

Drastic I am so glad that your DP has taken on board what you have said.

I would never normally suggest it to be a good idea, but do you think it might be useful to print out some of this thread (C&P it to Word first and take out anything that might be inappropriate for your DP to read unless it is part of your own build-up of anxiety) for your DP to read? apart from anything else, the responses from others who have been in a similar situation to you might be provocative of yet more understanding from him.

I hope the psych pays attention to what your DP says and you do get more help.

I might do that, thumb. I'll read back through the whole thread tonight and see what needs editing. He knows I post here but doesn't usually look and wouldn't know this name.

I haven't gone to work. I should be there now I feel all panicky. And cold & achey from lack of sleep. I have an hour before people will notice I'm not there. I need to go but I'm going to cry and/ or be sick. I love my job. This is ridiculous.

Oh dear what r u going to do?

(((hugs))) Drastic - I really hope you can get something sorted with your psych, this can't go on the way it is.
Did you get to work in the end?

I went to work. Kept my head down and hid away but was there. DP spoke to duty psych - not sure what was said but she upped my meds & said to keep doing what I'm doing, keep going to work. She said I didn't sound convinced & I said I didn't feel safe. She said 'well go to a friends and DP'll be back on Thursday so only 1 day, really'

So now I feel scared, alone and unsafe. I have packed the car and am going away tonight when DS is asleep.

Where r u going?

I don't know. I don't feel safe to drive tonight so we'll go in the morning. I need to not be here.

A friend of mine felt exactly the way you do. He was good at his job, a great father too, but always felt one got in the way of the other. He got himself into a position where he just couldn't work.

GP signed him off for 4 weeks (with high blood pressure, but there were lots of other reasons) He used the time to think properly about his priorities, completely change his lifestyle re food and exercise and when he came back to work he requested and got flexible working which means he now gets home much earlier.
The health scare meant he has a strong case for his request. He also completely changed his attitude to work. He's still very conscientious, but he will not stay late except in the most extreme circumstances and things are done much more on his terms.

He and his DW also made some financial sacrifices to enable them to employ a cleaner, taking the pressure of the work/life balance a bit. They're not well off by any means and this is a huge luxury for them, but they decided, to them, more important than occasional meals out or a holiday FTB.

A year later he's a changed man, looks 10 years younger. Please go and see your GP.

My GP said he didn't know what else to do

The psych today said to keep doing what I'm doing

There's no point. I've given up. No-one listens when I scream for help. I don't care anymore.

Tell your dp!

Drastic, if you're still awake and around then PLEASE phone the crisis team.
As I said before your medical "team" are letting you down massively - you need to see people who actually listen to you properly and you need to talk to them so they listen.

You appear to have a carefully constructed guard in place on your emotions etc. so that everyone around you is convinced that you're exaggerating or putting it on - let that guard down! Stop playing the swan - serene on top but wildly thrashing underneath where no one can see - let it out at someone!

I'm so glad you are telling us what's going on with you on here, so that at least you're able to let it out a bit - but you really need to demonstrate to someone how bad it is for you, without getting to the point of needing to be admitted.

The duty psych sounds as much use as a chocolate teapot as well - probably doesn't even know anything about you - can you phone back to speak to your own, or is he/she just as flippant about your state?

Stay calm lovely - get some sleep if you aren't already - we're here if you need us (but so is the Crisis team).

Why on earth aren't you talking to the crisis team? This IS a crisis when someone doesn't feel safe. Your GP ought to be shot,so get in touch with your psych. If you continue to feel unsafe go to A and E.

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