If a car ran over your foot...

[DrasticMeasures]

it would damage it, wouldn't it? What might happen?

Maybe print out some of your posts on here to take to your GP? It would be an easy way to show how you've been feeling over the last week or so.

Good luck tomorrow!

Hello Drastic. hope you don't mind me adding my own 2 pence worth. As soon as you explained that need to hurt yourself badly enough that you don't need to work, I KNEW you were going to say you were a teacher.
I know that feeling very well and I now recognise how close I was to having a proper breakdown. Like you, signing off on stress/depression wasn't an option. In my current school there is a lot of bad feeling towards staff who suffer from stress/depression, as if they're "skiving", plus I come from a "stiff upper lip" type family who don't "do" that kind of thing. I now see how bad that is.

Although technically suicidal, I wouldn't have called myself mentally ill, because as soon as the situation resolved itself (union intervened, school ceased their bullying campaign immediately and I've now accepted a new job) the black fog lifted. Do you have any way in which to change your work situation?

I so hope your situation improves in any way possible. Other have offered much much better advice here but if you wanted any advice relating to work issues, please feel free to PM.

Going out last night was actually ok. It was nice to see friends, I just feel weird about going out and smiling & laughing then coming home and telling DP how I wish I were dead. It's all so confusing. I will be honest this afternoon.

Good luck at the GP's. You don't have to have intrusive self harming thoughts every second of the day - if fact ime people don't tend to, so don't think this is 'wrong.'

Well, it was a complete waste of time. I was very open and told the gp how I felt - that I was tired of fighting this, that I didn't want to wake up every day wishing I were dead, that I have made plans to seriously hurt myself & that I really didn't know what to do etc. He said my medication all looks fine and since i have a psych who I am seeing again at the end of July, he's not sure what else he can do either. He said if it gets worse, to contact him. I really think that, unless I actually hurt myself, there is little anyone can do. So, I either get a grip or actually do it.

What does he mean by the "medication all looks fine"? Wouldn't it be working better for you if it was "fine" or didn't need any adjustments?

I don't know. I suppose it should. I don't know anymore. I feel a bit helpless - I've done all I can - I've been open and honest & called the crisis people when I have struggled a lot but my GP doesn't know what to do with me and my psych said I was doing well. So

I think everyone thinks I should just stop this silliness. But I don't know how to. I'm scared it's going to spiral. When I was very ill before, no-one believed me. I sat on the floor in the psychiatrists room (different one to my current one) and begged him to help me. He sent me home and I tried to kill myself. I don't want to do that again. But I don't know what to do.

You are being let down by your medical professionals. If your psych can't even pick up what is wrong with you then you need to see someone else. If your GP won't refer you to someone else then you need a different GP.

It's not all about medication, sometimes it's about someone LISTENING, taking NOTICE, and DOING something, thereby validating your feelings - currently you're being fobbed off.

Try to see a different GP if you can - tell them you are not being listened to, that you want to hurt yourself, maybe even worse and that you are NOT bloody well coping thank you, regardless of what it looks like. Do you have CPN? If so, can you contact him/her?

Also, phone the psych secretary and see if you can pull that appt forwards (unless it's the same one that sent you home last time, in which case you really need to see a different one) - explain that you are having suicidal thoughts and the GP can't help because he won't mess with the psych's prescription.

Yes, ring your psych's secretary and tell them what's been happening and your gp isn't helping.

Some people just shouldn't be mental health professionals. I've had counsellors who have just made me feel worse, ones that tell me not to be silly, people just not getting it at all. Luckily there is one lovely doctor I see who does, and my current counsellor is fab though I've reached my quota of sessions and I'm not sure how I'll cope after that...

Keep going - don't give up. It's not you - you've just had the misfortune deal with the wrong people. I suppose the law of averages means there are some... All the stuff you've posted sounds completely legitimate. Just keep pursuing it until you find someone who is more helpful than the bunch of idiots you've come across so far!

Yeah, I have seen some shit ones, one told me to stop crying as people will stop having sympathy for me. This was a doctor in a psych unit

My psych seemed nice- I might give them a ring again. I don't want to pester people.But then I was thinking, if I had a physical life-threatening but treatable illness, I'm not sure I'd be told they didn't really know what to do. Unless I'm not fixable? This is the 4th time I've been suicidal - maybe there comes a point where no-one can do anything. Yet I have such good periods in between - years when I function really well.

For the first time in months I've cut myself. I felt so frustrated, I just couldn't stop myself. And it helped, in a way. But now I feel shit about it and upset that I've let myself down. I've had a massive argument with DP and sent him away indefinitely because I can't cope with him. He turns everything around so it's about him. When I told him I was struggling he went away and wrote 2 pages about how awful his life is and how he wishes he had the guts to kill himself He has been suicidal this year and I really think it contributed to my downward spiral - not that it's his fault, I just think that dealing with a suicidal partner on top of everything else and my own iffy MH problems became too hard. He said if I hadn't interrupted him, he'd have had time to then write how happy I make him... but why didn't he do that first? And why did he set it up so I saw what he wrote?

Anyway, I'm going to spend a nice day with DC and I have a hospital appointment for something else this afternoon so I'm going to go out and put this all out of my head for now.

Ok, you need to tell your psych that you have cut yourself -did you tell your GP that?

This makes me so bloody angry. Some of the mental health care provision in this country is absolutely disgraceful.

Please dont worry about pestering people. You deserve better care.
Hope you manage to have nice day with DC and your other appointment goes ok.

Hun, if you're considering the option of breaking your foot as a good choice to avoid work something isn't right. My experience is that mention this one conversation to your doc and he'll sign you off (I know as I told my doc that I considered 'falling' down the stairs to break a bone coz I needed a break from work)

I have had a nice day - took DC swimming, been for long walk by the river & pottered in the garden. I feel calmer.

Sparkle, I have told my GP that. He just said I need to go back to work and it might not be so bad. And to explain to management what the problem is. But I don't know what the problem is. I just want to not be here. I don't really want to tell my manager that.

I hadn't cut myself when I saw GP so i didn't tell him, Valium. My knife is not very sharp so my arm is bruised and a mess I have ordered blades in my shopping delivery tomorrow so that if I need to do it again it won't be so bad. I can't decide if that is a sensible thing to do or if it is bonkers.

I'm feeling very confused. I went wild this morning with DP and tried punching him (he's a foot taller than me and about 10 stone heavier so it was pointless) but when he tried to hug me to stop me and help, I bit his hand I'm like a feral animal. Even my dog wouldn't do that.

Please call your psych and tell them what you ve told us about the blades. Its not ok for them to leave you like this.

Christ alive, Drastic - you need to get help and fast. If you won't call your psych, get your DH to call him/her. And in the meantime get back onto the crisis team ASAP! Please!

I think you need to go to A and E and tell them you have ordered sharp blades to cut yourself. Tell them you have talked to your GP but he isn't doing anything. Does your dp know you cut yourself?

I think you do need to inform the crisis team that you have bought blades and have a specific plan to SI, I think you would benefit from home intervention. If you go to A&E you will see the crisis team so I suggest you ring and try and get a home visit. I think you also need to make it clear to yourself and them what your risk is, particularly around suicide. You have to be honest in order to get the support you need.

Generally mental health services will encourage you to make safer choices and encourage harm minimisation, for smaller self harm they will not intervene to stop you initially so be prepared for this. What do you want to happen? Do you want an admission, do you want more intensive support, do you think you need your medication altering?

My self harm was pretty bad when I came into hospital and it took quite a lot of risk for them to take action. I suppose looking back I wish I hadn't escalated things, I wish I had not gone down the path of self harm because once that door opens it is so hard to shut. So my advice would be to bin the blades, and if you buy them again bin them again and bin them again and again.

Ok. I will call crisis team/ psych or something. Been busy all day so that's been good but I'm stressed and anxious and feel constantly worried but I don't really know why. It's like a nagging worry.

What do I want to happen? I don't know. I don't need or want to be admitted. I want someone to make this better, to take it away, to stop me feeling like I want or have to hurt myself. I want to be able to deal with things normally. I want to not have constant thoughts of how best to injure myself or die. And, I desperately don't want this to escalate. I want to feel listened to and safe and like I will get better. I'm not actively suicidal but I don't want to be faced with another 50 years of this.

I'm horrified that I hit DP yesterday and I'm disturbed that I felt so angry. I'm upset that he's neither horrified or upset!

I feel like I'm living 2 lives - there's the organised, together, calm 'me' that everyone sees & no-one has any idea that I am even depressed let alone feeling so volatile. It bothers me.

And I'm anxious about going to work on Monday.

DrasticMeasures you sound a lot like me, when it came to it I knew I needed to come into hospital because I needed someone to take the risk away from me because I could not manage it. Intensive support from the crisis team was great though because I felt 'heard' and understood.

I would ring them again, do you have a specific plan to cut or is it a more general thing, be very very clear about things with them.

I absolutely cannot and don't need to be admitted. I just want to feel stable and calm. If I am admitted, DC's father will take DC. It's not me being paranoid, we have a legal agreement. So, I have to get better at home and since no-one seems to understand so cannot or will not help me, I will have to do it alone. I am taking all my meds, I am keeping busy, doing the right things...

I hope you are feeling better, Fluffy

Drastic, that is another pressure on you that is probably not helping your clarity of mind, so sorry.

The crisis team should have been able to help you, I hope you phoned them.

I didn't phone them.

I feel so horribly messy. My arm looks awful and I have to work tomorrow. No-one can help me now. I just want someone to wrap me in a blanket and hold me and make this all better.