I have been sectioned.

[lazyhazydaisy]

I have just got access to the internet. I am much less petrified than I was at first but definitely 0 out of ten. I have a tribunal and if that fails I think I will be here until July. I feel as though I am living in a nightmare. I have never felt so alone.

And the old joke about the difference between God and a psychiatrist?
God doesn't think he is a psychiatrist.

Whatthe I own this crumbling pile so I don't think that I would be eligible for any help. It has already swallowed me up. I was swallowed up within the first two weeks of incarceration. I spent every moment of Christmas day in bed hoping that it would be my last. I didn't even notice Easter.

I do have to find the energy to put my affairs/account of that hell/will in order and then I am going to kill myself. I have worked out exactly how to do it and it doesn't involve either a rope or a horrified train driver.

The ultimate cruelty would be for my children to see me. But I need to prove that I do not have any daft diseases that might stigmatise them just because I refuse to admit 'insight'. If I had admitted to any of these fictional diseases I would have been out almost immediately, on a life on drugs.

I appreciate that you are being kind but there is no future after that experience. I know I will never work again. I don't have any human contact except very sporadicaly with fellow survivors. They are the only ones who could have any understanding.

You need to try and prioritise your needs and tackle things from the ground up...and there is alot of assistance available to enable you to do this....please try to work forward for your own self in the right way....if and when you can re-establish any contact with your DC's then you want them to see you are well and ok...thats what you would want isn't it?....for them to at least know that you are doing ok?...but...you need to want this for yourself first....you deserve to make things better for your own self...don't you?

Well, for a start the problem needs to be tackled from the roof down. I can't even empty the buckets in the bath because the drain is blocked and the terrace floods into the kitchen. Secondly, I can assure you that there is no assistance available. That is why I cancelled the drip this week. He assures me again and again that he can offer me no practical help whatsoever. I never intend to see my dc again, at any time or in any condition. I want them to remember me before I was destroyed. But I want them to know who and why destroyed there mother.

I have arranged for dp to hire a van and take all of their possessions out of the house because I cannot face any memories of them.

Please, everyone, do not assume that there is 'assistance', unless you live in Scandanavia.

There is assistance. It's too little and too late, but it exists. Have the drips signed you up for benefits? Benefits form a passport to other assistance. This assistance is not easy to discover or to access. As I told you, I had help from a care worker attached to mental health services - but you can also get to it through voluntary organisations such as the Citizens Advice Bureau, Rethink and Mind.

Here's the get in touch page from the CAB.

There must be some help for you somewhere Daisee? This is something you cannot do alone. Have you searched on the web for any support groups? What about MIND (I have not read all of your thread, got to rush out but felt moved enough to post).

I have suffered depression and suicidal thoughts from childhood, luckily for me I have come back from it but in no way did I ever have your horrific and heartbreaking experience.

I have also seen a psychotherapist for 4 years...would not again, felt he twisted what was good for me, I would not go through therapy again. I hate the way they questioned everything I said, really turns your head around so you start mistrusting your own gut feelings. What I would want is someone just to listen and to care.

Workwise, voluntary work if nothing else?

Could you set up a survivors group? Get in contact with those having had the same experience and set up a webpage? What about even a thread on mumsnet for those that have been sectioned, and life after...if you put a link and set a watch and bump it for you when I'm about, I'm sure others would too.

Are any problems with your house covered with insurance?

Do not give up! Life is worth living. Wish I could find some wise words...just hold off on the pills or whatever and get yourself back up again, you've hit rock bottom life can get better, you just have to believe in yourself and what you are worth. You have posted and on here and it has motivated me to respond and I usually lurk.

Please keep posting and don't give up.

I daredn't. If I make any sign of needing help they have said they will put me back in that hellhole. I just daredn't. If I contact MIND or SANE it will look as though I am admitting that I have a mental illness.

Dear Mumsnet, could I link to an old, old link that I have just found under a diferent name? No problem if I can't but it might give everyone the chance to think or say the most odious words in the English language; 'I told you so'. And they were all quite right.

Hardly call life living when you daredn't leave the house, leave the front door key on the outside of the front door incase of future invasions and have a garden full of rats.

I'm sure you can link to an old thread, Daisy.

I would hope MIND or SANE would be helpful and understanding; but I realise it is impossible to know for certain. Couldn't you ring them anonymously, though, and see what they say?

who can I ask about the implications of giving an 8 stone woman 800mg of seroquel per day? The licensed adult dose is 25mg-750mg, but 800mg is licensed for 'mania'. As you know I stayed in solitary confinement for most of the time, listening to my language CDs and listening to Radio 4.

Even though I flushed it down the loo it was taken as a great success in curing/managing my mental illness. I did take it for 6 weeks and someone told me that it takes 9 months to get out of one's system. Does anyone know?

Netcurtains
I rang MIND and the woman I spoke to is going to read this thread and share it with her colleages. She also gave me a number of an organisation called CITA, who I can ask about the drugs they forced me to take.

(If the lovely lady from MIND gets this far, I didn't get to do the survey, although I did hang on the telephone for quite a long time but I would give you 10 out of 10!)

www.cnwl.nhs.uk/uploads/Prevention_and_Management_of_Violence_and_Aggression.pdf

And if the lovely lady from mind gets this far, this is a way of restraining patients, like that poor, confused man with Alzheimers, which does not involve handcuffs and extensive bruising. There are also two other methods of non-violent restraint but I will have to email one of the more humane nurses (who told me that he thought that I should never have been bought in in the first place) to pass them on to MIND, But I am a bit worried about contacting Alcatraz for obvious reasons - paranoia would be put down as yet another symptom. One of them was developed in East Angular and was called something like 'Bubble'.

forums.delphiforums.com/n/main.asp?webtag=blackdog&nav=start&prettyurl=%2Fblackdog&gid=1890579879

This is all I could think of. Trouble is that inmates are either drugged into a zombie state or just want to try and forget about it.

Fantastic Daisee!! Its a start. Will look at links later, got to do tea now. So chuffed you have got someone to listen to you, sounds so positive. What you went through is inhumane and SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU or anyone in this country. Its the stuff of nightmares. You should speak out and tell people what happened. BUT I completely understand why you would not want to. I would not call you paranoid. You have been wretched from your home once in a very undignified and callous manner so to think it could happen to you again is not an unrealistic fear or paranoia. I used to tell my boss I was not being negative (or paranoid) I was a realist :) sounds like you are a realist too (pretty sane sounding too...sure you don't sit at home swatting imaginary flies do you?)

Will take some time to read more of your thread too later.

As for the rats...council pest control? What is wrong with your drains? What can you see/smell? Is the bath drain blocked with hair? Tried Veet (or any hair remover)?

What are you doing this evening? Something to make you feel good? What are your plans for tomorrow? Set one small task you can complete?...step by step you can improve things for yourself. Tho I'm one to talk...forever set tasks and have to do lists!

right definately off to do tea now

take care xx

I am TERRIED of rats. Especially ones the size of rabbits who are clearly about to go into labour. Because the police had replaced the back door lock and I had no key, I had to climb out of the kitchen window to clear up the rat infestation. I am not playing the 'I am a single woman who can't cope with rodents card' and I had to deal with it anyway but it was pretty bad, especially because I was terrified they might get into the house via the open window.

The garden, after 4 months, was a jungle. I had missed all of the spring bulbs etc. In fact I was completely disorientated; missed pancake day, Lent, St Patrick's Day, all of those events that mark the year.

I found the number of a man who charged £12.50 an hour to do some tree surgery and he filled in the rat holes in the dry stone wall to try and stop the rats getting in. One of the many places that I had seen a rat emerge was in the drain. He squirted the expanding foam everywhere but he did warn me that it might block the drain. Which it did. So the rat infestation led to the drain problem.

The problems caused by the incarceration (apart from the police assault and the minute by minute of incarceration itself) doesn't seem to end.

The rat man from the council (called by the neighbours, and I don't blame them, but it doesn't matter because I will not speak to anyone in this village ever again) and told me that I was doing all the right things. I haven't seen a rat since Monday when I refilled the trap.

I know the rat man anyway, from an old problem when we had chickens. He offered to buy my henhouse!

I don't know what to do tonight. Lie in my dirty bedclothes and pray for the strength to attack my paperwork tomorrow.

I will also call dp to get him to collect all reminders of dc, especially photographs. It is the least he can do.

Does anyone know how to obtain cyanide?

Not only have I been banned from ringing the chaos team, under threat of reincarceration, they refused to even take me to a dental appointment.

When I find the fraudulent DLA form, I will post the lies on here. Never mind if you are terminally ill or have no legs, pretend to have hallucinations and can't use a hob and you are quids in.

I would get £100 pw (non-means tested, as far as I know) if I could only claim 'insight'. An attitude described by the drip as 'honest'. (!!!!)

I did ask British Gas to come round and mend the central heating but bottled out on several basises (?). One, I smell like a tramp, Two, I look like a tramp, Three, I can't cope with human contact.

And make sure that one needs to be monitored 'Always', which actually means one hour a fortnight being told that one is not entitled to any practical help at all.

The drains stink but not as much as the water in the washing machine stinks.

I need to take my own advice here, Daisy, as I'm not having the best of weeks. And I will take it, so how about you have a go too? We can compare notes on Mondy

Can you sort of put yourself in autopilot mode? Just get things done because they must be done, no thinking or feeling required or desired.

It's no different from what I used to do for part of every day, as most people do - plod through the shopping; drag myself into work; march through the housework; bite the bullet and write a dull report ... you know. All this sensitivity makes it much harder somehow. I recall, though, from the last time I "just got on with things" on autopilot (a couple of months ago), how incredibly well I slept. I mean I was knackered, obviously, but the sleep was better quality for having Dealt With Stuff. It's quite hard to switch off my feelings but I'm gonna do it this weekend!

Sorry you've been having a hard week, garlic, I always rate your posts and hard-earned wisdom.

You're doing rather well, Daisy - no rats and you rang MIND. I'm sure you'd feel a bit better if you got the roof and drains sorted and could have a proper bath. Now that you've seen off the rats, could you get the man to remove the expanding foam and unblock the drain? Or does it not work like that?

I think I understand you, GB. When I spent four hours clearing up Miranda's house (when she was off her head on valium) she kept muttering her thanks to me and I just felt that only I understood what she needed doing because that was what I needed doing.

My lawyer is back from leave on Monday and so I am going to try to get all the paperwork together to sue. But there is so much to sue for. Not money; just the house repaired.

You know my practical problems. I can't cope nor afford to deal with them. I will try and go through the prison diaries and detail every complaint, starting with the police assault, the refusal of the social workers to respond to my numerous letters, the numerous breaches of confidence, the lack of anyone to listen to me (apart from the nurse who wants to meet me socially and is too afraid of her job to whistleblow) the lack of heating or hot water, my urgent need for a dentist, the locked back door and the clambering out of the kitchen window surrounded by pregnant rats, the water cascading down two floors, the fungi growing through the carpet, the lack of light in the sitting room (although that is not their fault), the invalidation of my house insurance, the fraudulent attempt to trick me into signing a DLA form, the fact that I need monitoring 'always' and yet am going to lose my fortnightly hour visit from drip who assures me that he can offer me no practical help.

On top of the scissor happy inmate who planned to stab me. And the fact that if I had agreed to a tribunal and it had failed, as 70% do, I would have had one more tribunal by Christmas and then one a year for the rest of my life. By which time I would have been not only bonkers but bonkers in Spanish.

The nurses who tried to convince me that I had
1 Paranoid schizophrenia (based on false notes, which I need to deal with urgently, esp for the sake of dc
2 Persistent delusional disorder (ditto)
3 Paranoid personality disorder (after the assault, with no explanation)
4 Bipolar affective disorder (which drug mad Psychiatrist assures me I do not have)

Garlic Hope you have a relaxing weekend, sorry you're feeling a bit "meh" today.

Fungi growing on the joist that is shortly to cave in at a cost of £20,000.

I desperately need help but if I ask for it I will be reincarcerated. Then what?

I will try and do some housework tomorrow; the clothes that I washed at Miranda's are still damp. I have worn the same clothes for weeks, in bed and out. I have no idea how to cope. All I can think of are the dc and how they must never ever see me again. I want them to remember me as the person who taught them to cook and do calculus.

I appreciate that suicide is abandonment but that is why I have to get the paperwork done.

I really appreciate your support. I only stayed incarcerated for so long because I refused to comply with anything there and I want my legacy to them to be the fact that I protected them from any stigma (AND THERE SHOULD BE NO STIGMA) of mental illness.

And I want the doctor who made those diagnoses struck off.

Particularly because they have now all mysteriously disappeared and I am 'well'. I am not 'well'. I am fucking angry. Oops! that is another symptom of yet another personality disorder/mental illness.

I am going to ask my MP to find out how many inmates return year after year. Once you are in the system there is no way out. Which is clearly a failure of the system.