'Billy-no-mates'. What the hell is going on? .... I've had enough

[pumpkinpie06]

Hi everyone - that is if there is anyone reading this. Forgive me for being cynical but - really - sometimes I think I must be an experiment on the Truman Show.

I'd be interested to know if heres anyone else who is suffering in the same situation as me - I hope not - as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Okay - I'm in my late 20's with three wonderful daughters and a caring husband. BUT since I moved to this area 10 (yes 10) years ago I feel like I must be walking around with either a/extremely bad breath or b/ body odour (or maybe I'm just a really horrible person?!?).

I've met people and made aquantances .... but as it stands there is not 1 single person who I can truly call a close friend. Some people just don't bother getting in touch, others make plans to meet but then keep cancelling until I can't be bothered any more. Some people go so far as to be quite standoffish ...WHY????

I'm not rude, I try to be kind, friendly and helpful when I can be. I am not desperate (thankfully I dont mind my own company too much and my kids keep me busy). I am not overbearing or have a very loud embarrasing laugh (at least I dont think so!)

I think you get the idea.

I SERIOUSLY feel like I am on the outside looking in and it only seems to get worse. More than my concern for myself (even though I admit I have been close to suicidal) I am concerned for my children as I need to be role model for them and I should be setting a good example of how to be sociable etc.

Sorry - I'm going on.

I've even tried the 'meet ups' on mumsnet and was met with a, shall we say, 'lukewarm' response.

Please help

Thanks for your support guys:-)

You hit the nail on the head - it was just somthing more personal for those of us who share this particular 'lonliness' (for want of another description) Glad you saw it for what it was and not something 'bad'!!!

MP - my dd is only 6 and already she's showing me up on the computer!

Enjoy your evening girls ... I think a glass of wine is in order tonight

Sorry - forgot to add ... welcome to the thread me23. Sorry you are feeling so lonely.

As I mentioned on an earlier message - I was 23 when I had my dd and, at first, I didn't think the age was ever an issue ... until I got to ante natal classes and found I was by far the youngest there. I was even more lonely then because I didn't go out on school runs or anything like that.

You really have to force yourself to get out .. I found it really tough.

If you want to post your area on here and see if anyone else is local ... you may find a m'netter you can meet up with. They are a lovely bunch of girls on here - hope you are feeling better soon.
Good shopping trip?

thanks pumpkinpie06, good shopping trip? in central london on sat eve food shopping = no fun lol, there you go i live in central london doubt anyone else does it seems people come here but no-one actualy from here. i have the whole area to myself
know what you mean about antenatal, i was youngest too and on my own, think they all thought ah poor little thing! but slightly disgusted at the same time

hi UCM sorry only just catching up. My boys are 7, 31/2 and 5months.

Good morning everyone. Been reading the posts from last night. We have all been saying how lonely it is being a mum and how sometimes it feels as though we are unimportant, well let me tell you what happened last night>

I joined IL's for a family celebration at a hotel where we were all supposed to be staying for the whole weekend but I had to miss out on that as I had to look after the kids, my only part in the weekend was to be turning up Saturday Night watching FIL open prezzies, have a couple of glasses of bubbly, then have an hour to relax,look round etc then go down for the meal. I was ok with that but when I got there I found out he had already opened his prezzies and had his bubbly and I only had 15mins to get ready for the meal. Maybe I took it hard as I have been feeling a bit down lately but I found this really upsetting. All they had to do was wait for me before opening prezzies etc but they couldnt. I felt as thoughI wasnt part of the family. I had been running around all day with the kids and had hoped for a bit of time to relax but they wouldnt let me do that either so after rushing to get ready I then had to sit through a meal listening to how much fun everyone was having at the hotel,dh included. I spent the whole evening feeling like a spare part, i couldnt join in the conversation because I hadnt been there I had been stuck at home being a mum. It felt as though I had only been invited because of dh. Oh and also MIL had printed thank you notes to everyone for going and gave dh his first then later gave me mine, we are married ffs so why write ours seperately, that just added to the feeling of being left out. I always thought my in-laws liked and accepted me but now Im not so sure.

Oh well sorry for rabbiting on but I had to get it off my chest. I am probably over-reacting but coming home last night knowing that they were all still there living it up made me feel like shit. DH was due to come home after brekkie but last night MIL planned his day for him and now I think he is staying tonight as well so while I am rushing around after the kids as usual he will be relaxing in the pool, playing golf etc. Life Sucks!

Morning pebblemum.

Sorry to hear about what happened. The bit with the pressies ... I can totally understand how you would expect they they could have waited for you - not very fair. Do you think that maybe they just didn't place all that much importance on the opening of the presents? (as opposed to thinking it was important but going ahead anyway).

I do think the bit with the thank you notes was a bit off though ... I can realte to that completely. I have no relationship now with my DH fil because, basically he and his wife are a couple of mean b*'s and made it quite clear from the outset that they didn't think very much of me.

I think that sometimes when people (like your m and fil) have got grown up children - they forget how restrictive and lonely it can be when you've got to be there to look after the kids 24/7 while everyone else is partying.

Would you consider broaching this with your DH ... maybe he could drop some hints to m and fil ??

Sorry if I'm not much help. It's sunday morning (I don't function all that well before noon!!!

take care PM

Hi PM it's not on. your part of a couple and should be treated as such. It's just rude of them to make you feel excluded intentionally or otherwise. However, are you sure they knew you were coming? if the thank you notes were for people that were there it would be a bit funny to write to your dh and you thanking you for coming if you weren't actually there. does that make sense. Anyway i'd ignore it and don't let it get you down just tell yourself there are more important things to worry about and move on.

Don't really have much to add to what has already been said by pumpkin and groat, just sorry to hear you feeling left out. hope you have a good day with the kids.
my dd slept through 7-9 for the past two night for the 1st time (she's 7 months0 so I had some long overdue sleep! sorry know thats nothing to do with your post but I just had to tell someone!

Congrats me23, its nice when they do start to sleep through.

Pumpkin-my in-laws knew I wanted to be there for the presents as we had all chipped in and spent a lot of money to send him on the orient express, something he has always wanted so obviously I wanted to see his face and they knew it.

Groat-my IL's knew I was going as it had all been planned ages ago. I would ignore it normally but I have felt so down lately it has really affected me.

To top it all off I had phone call from dh earlier saying he would be home at 10.30am and that we would take kids out for a meal, that cheered me up a bit but then at 10.30 I get a call to say he wont be home he is playing golf and doing other stuff that his mum has gone and arranged and wont be home til tonite. I wish he would be a man and tell his mum that we already had plans but he wont. I tried telling him how I've been feeling but it didnt make a difference. We ended up arguing and now he has turned his phone off so it looks like another day on my own with the boys. Sometimes I think I would be better off being a single mum, dh is hardly ever here anyway. Sorry if im going on again but oooh Im sooooo fed up.

pm. In that case I would def say something to your in-laws. NOT dh as he wasn't the one that openend present. If you do get on with them then you should be able to say something to them without it being a big issue. they were probably just not thinking!!!

I used to think i got on with them but now i feel it was all an act. My MIL knew dh had made plans with me today before she booked all these activities (she was there when he phoned first time) so why go ahead and book them if not to piss me off. Dh should have had guts to tell her no but he would rather argue with me than do that.

The only person that maybe I could talk to about last night would be FIL as he seemed to be the only one happy to see me there but then again I dont suppose he knows anything is wrong and I wouldnt want to spoil his memories of the weekend

let it go for now or it will eat you up. make a point of speaking to dh another time about your feelings. if you do it now it will prob get blown out of all proportion. men sometimes just don't see it and if you leave it alone it might not seem so big in a few days. sorry if not much help. I tend not to speak out at the time because I think it might be me being down that is making things seem worse after a few days when i am in better mood it doesn't seem so bad and i have avoided a big scene. if you see what i mean.

I think i already blew it. When we were arguing earlier he said a few things that really hurt so I gave the whole "if you hate me then what are you doing with me" speech and before hanging up (and turning phone off) he said he didnt know. So know I dont know if or when he is coming home. Our marriage isnt exactly a fairy tale at the moment anyway so I guess I shouldnt have said that. Oh well its done now. Ive always found it hard to bite my tongue when he gets bitchy.

how are things now pebblemum? have you heard from dh? hope you're feeling better than you were earlier. I hope you are able to sort this out, sending a (((hug))).

Sorry to hijack thread, groat are you new on MN? I am on the poor side of Thorpe Bay

hi UCM I'm fairly new I just dip in and out occasionally. I'm near Rochford.

hi pumpkinpie 06 i haven't been on this site for a long time but for all the reasons that you sent this email in is the same one that brought me back in to have a look. I feel that i only have my kids because as being with people through a very long day is just a nono. I know a lot of people but i only have one true friend who i can turn to but i'm very worried about loseing her because i have noone else. I sound sad don't i but all that you have written is just how i feel,i don't think you are on your own.

childern, you dont sound sad, nearly everyone who has posted on this thread is exactly the same as you.

I know why you worry about losing your friend, it happened to me. It was on my hen night when she just disappeared and she has not spoke to me since. As far as I know nothing had happened to cause it except she didnt like my dh but even now if I see her in the street she will cross over to avoid me. Since losing touch with her I havent had any what i would call close friends, there are people I talk to but no one I can confide in or have a proper laugh with.

hi pebblemum i posted earlier to see how u were. are things any better with dh? hope so.
I'm so bored of spending everyday on my own. its my bday on friday prob gona be watching celeb bb on my own. it's so pathetic.

Dh crawled back yesterday evening bottle of wine in hand, saying he was sorry and will change blah blah blah, usual crap. We will wait and see but Im not holding my breath.

Im sorry you will be on your own Friday, is there no one that could come and spend it with you, a relative or that friend you see now and again.

you don't sound too hopeful, do u still wana be with him?

I'm having major relationship probs with my boyf, it's my fault though. I don't know if we will get back together.

I'm seeing my friend on weds we going for a meal dd in tow!

I do love dh Im just fed up with the arguments and the fact he would rather go to the pub than spend time with me or the boys.

Sorry to hear you are having bf trouble - men dont you think we would be better without them sometimes, less hassle!

I'm sure you will enjoy the meal but it is a shame you couldnt get a babysitter so that you got a bit of time to yourself, to let your hair down.

yeah it would be less hassle!

at least ur dh grovelled, do you get any time alone with him?

maybe you could do with a babysitter too, I know I could would love to go out, it was my mates birthday last week she went out sat invited me but obv no babysitter.

havent been out since dd was born.

my friend said her mum has said when d is a bit older she can babysit if i want, so that would be good although she lives bout hour away.

The only time we get alone is maybe a sunday evening. the rest of the time he is usually at work(3pm-1am,pub or golf.

Its horrible when you really want to go out but have no babysitter?

How old is your dd? Mine are 8yrs and 2.4yrs so there is quite a gap. My oldest will stay with anyone but the little one is more fussy.

It is nice that your friends mum has offered to babysit when your dd is a bit older but i bet that feels ages away and is doesnt help your situation now, does it?

Sometimes wish I was living in London. I am in Australia and though I have lots of family and friends have no friends with small children. All live to far away. You all sound so friendly and understanding.
I felt isolated for a long time after the birth of my third child. First time as a stay at home mum fulltime and felt like no one understood. I was suffering from mild pnd but felt with a bit of help from my local early childhood nurse I had support.

I think that motherhood at times can be very lonely and we can all feel unappreciated and misunderstood. Our local mothers group treated me with the same kind of welcome. I think that I am just a different kind of person to them (nothing unusual about me but didnt grow up here!!) so I have entertained the idea of starting my own. Maybe organise a mothers group in your area.