'Billy-no-mates'. What the hell is going on? .... I've had enough

[pumpkinpie06]

Hi everyone - that is if there is anyone reading this. Forgive me for being cynical but - really - sometimes I think I must be an experiment on the Truman Show.

I'd be interested to know if heres anyone else who is suffering in the same situation as me - I hope not - as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Okay - I'm in my late 20's with three wonderful daughters and a caring husband. BUT since I moved to this area 10 (yes 10) years ago I feel like I must be walking around with either a/extremely bad breath or b/ body odour (or maybe I'm just a really horrible person?!?).

I've met people and made aquantances .... but as it stands there is not 1 single person who I can truly call a close friend. Some people just don't bother getting in touch, others make plans to meet but then keep cancelling until I can't be bothered any more. Some people go so far as to be quite standoffish ...WHY????

I'm not rude, I try to be kind, friendly and helpful when I can be. I am not desperate (thankfully I dont mind my own company too much and my kids keep me busy). I am not overbearing or have a very loud embarrasing laugh (at least I dont think so!)

I think you get the idea.

I SERIOUSLY feel like I am on the outside looking in and it only seems to get worse. More than my concern for myself (even though I admit I have been close to suicidal) I am concerned for my children as I need to be role model for them and I should be setting a good example of how to be sociable etc.

Sorry - I'm going on.

I've even tried the 'meet ups' on mumsnet and was met with a, shall we say, 'lukewarm' response.

Please help

I know how you feel. Moved here a year ago, and started going to a young parents group. I'm not too young (22) and most people are 27/28 and we are all married, so not typical young people perhaps.

When I joined, they were all friends, but not close. I got to know one, we worked together etc, did a few bits outside work. But we weren't FRIENDS.

For the last year, most of us were hanging out every day during school hours (we all have preschoolers ) but that's it, its more convenience. But the others do tons together, dh or I just aren't invited. For example, they plan shopping trips on a Thursday when I work. I know it could just be convenient for all three... but none of them work days. Most of them came to our wedding/ds birthday, bar the one I think I was becoming closer to. She says she doesn't like going out (which is oddly true if you know her) but recently she's been going bowling, going to the other peoples for dinner etc etc.. things I might add we don't get invited to.

We invited two of the couples for dinner, one set came but the dh and my dh don't overly get on (nothing in common). They then invited the couple who didn't come to theirs for dinner.. you see where this is going.

I have no idea why. I offer to have their kids, try to be a friend, always offer to do stuff but I have no idea why. I'd hate for ds to grow up worried about fitting in like me. I always want to move to 'try again' but every time I end up in the same way.

No real advice, just all sympathy.

I agree that being a SAHM affects your confidence. Profoundly, in fact. When ds1 was born I went through a period of feeling as though I had died, as though I had given my life in exchange for his. It sounds melodramatic but that was how I felt. Maybe the horrendous pregnancy and birth I had with him didn't help, and obviously there was an element of depression - but I think there is a shred of logic in there too. I love my boys more than I can say, they are the sunshine of my life - but I do sometimes feel as though I have slipped through one of the cracks in the pavement, so to speak. I feel grief sometimes for the vibrant, hopeful, social individual I used to be, and the hopes and aspirations I had which were all about me - MY future, MY potential, MY talents. Now my life is about somebody else. It feels a bit risky and disloyal to say these things, as though I regret having my sons.....which I don't. But human feelings are complex, aren't they? I haven't made any friends since I had them. I've never been confident but I used to be quite witty, in a brittle sort of way, and I could make friends with a certain type of person. I suppose I feel motherhood has robbed me of my "edge" and now I'm just a plump sad blob, not worth making friends with. I freeze in social situations. I think that's why mumsnet has been such an incredible gift to me.....I'm still me in writing!!! Sorry to have hijacked your thread pumpkin. It's just that your posts rang true for me... I don't know if we are similar people but I recognised a note of familiar loneliness. I hope things improve for you.

hi pumpkin,

Im not a mum yet but I can relate to what you are saying regarding friends andhow you feel people act towards you.
I have just recently been snubbed by my best friend,we were talking all the time then she got a boyfriend and oesnt want to know me.

If you ever want to meet up,I live in Bracknell and drive.

Morning (really big yawn today) MP ... yes you're right - I really should give the driver confidence classes a try. I think it's too easy for me to find excuses not to ... because I live fairly centrally and can walk the school run and into town etc.

Nightowl - I do feel for you ... of course you are not the lowest of the low just because you are single/on benefits ... like you said - if people judge you on that - then they are not worth knowing!

Oh Lunavix .... so know what you mean. I was 23 when I has dd no.1 Ante natal classes were a strain because I really felt like the odd one out. Needless to say - I'm not in touch with any of them now (except one ... the one who cancels all the time and never initiates contact - cant be bothered).

Meanoldmummy PLEASE dont apologise for 'hijacking' thats what this thread is all about ... I dont wish my sadness on anyone but I take comfort in knowing I am not alone ... as I'm sure you do. Take good care.x

Shanks - sorry to hear about your best friend (she will, eventually, realise that a best friend is worth alot ... she'll be back!)

LISTEN UP EVERYONE

I think this thread could go on and on. I'm not sure any of us have any real solutions except for the comfort of being around like minded people. I once tried to start a yahoo group (didn't quite work )

Anyway - I wouldn't want to exclude anyone because of location ... though I would like to arrange meets with those local to me (note for all those nr w'ham). Also - people can post their locations on there and may find likeminded people locally. I realise that is the whole point of mumsnet ... but thought this would be a good place for us to all know we are with likeminded IYSWIM

Would anyone be interested in joining if I started one up?

Name ideas? I think sad lonly mums may be a bit negative dont you lol

Okay I'm going on again. Let me know what you think guys ... you've all saved me from hitting rock bottom these last few days

THANKS EVERYONE

Hi everyone. Pumpkin - the group sounds a great idea, do you mean a Yahoo (or similar type) thing? Count me in! As you said, that will be a positive step forward. Meant to say in previous posts that we should get together as we're so close, plus, of course, anyone else who is in the area. I work full time (had a week's leave last week so back to work on Mon...ho hum!) but can do evenings plus where I work is a training establishment that has terms and recesses so I am pretty flexible for daytime coffees etc during recess. Nightowl - I was so sad to read your post and I'm sure that the vast majority of people on MN don't think badly of those in your situation, in fact I think there are a fair few who are in the same boat. Benefits are there to help people who have found themselves in a situation like yours through no fault of their own. Do you browse the Lone Parent area of MN? Give it a try if you haven't before, you're not alone. x

Hi MP - yes a Yahoo group

ooh what fun. When I get a spare minute I start getting it set up and I'll let everyone know when its ready.

Anyone else who's interested - let me know!

go on then, I'm in!

Pumpkin, just wanted to add my thoughts... you had friends before so it can't be you. But I have noticed that I find it hard and get that "Oh I can't be bothered!" feeling since becoming a mum and trying to make friends with other mums. Some people are nice and I'm persevering, but i do sometimes think why are we all here - because we are mums - that is NOT necessarily going to mean we get on! Of course you can make friends that way as Mumsnet shows. But as a friend of mine said, imagine if you socialised with all the people who had got married at the same time as you, just because that was what you had in common, andsat around comparing notes on your bridesmaids, venue and cake! You would be bored stupid and the chances of finding a soulmate would be slim. You may have better luck looking for friends in whatever way you made them before - through work, shared interests or whatever (though I know it's harder with less time for these things).

Also from some of the things you say I think it's got to you so much you are treading on eggshells now, and that may come across - you're thinking "what is it, what is it about me?" and that might interfere, when in fact there is nothing wrong with you!

Good luck with your plans anyway...

Hey groat, I could be just round the corner from you. How old are your kids?

tee hee I'm so out of my depth here!!

Okay, it is very 'barebones' but it's a start -

visit: groups.yahoo.com/group/mumstheworduk

and we'll see how many we can get on there. suggestions for improvement gratefully received. Nice to hear you'll be visiting mummytosteven

Just think - if a few of us manage any meet ups through this - we can post some pictures on there too ... for posterity!!!

You think you're out of your depth Pumpkin I've never used one of these groups before so DH has talked me through how it works roughly (he moderates a couple of Yahoo groups and is happy to give advice if needed). I've sent off a mail asking to subscribe so hopefully you should get something through from Yahoo soon.

hmmm either yahoo is a little laaaayzee or theres a glitch. Anyhow - can you tell me your Yahoo ID and I'll send you an invite (might work better that way).

I've just registered with your group at Yahoo. I think it is a great idea. Im registered on there as pebblemum, which will be my new name on here too.

what is the differnce betwwen the place you have set up and Mumsnet???

I agree with Beetroot. Feels a bit disloyal to me to use Mumsnet to 'meet' people, then suggest they all decamp somewhere else.
It's rather as if you were invited to a party, then when you were there, suggested half the guests go somewhere else. The host might not think this was the most appropriate behaviour, don't you think?

glad it is not just me Aloha.

wow so glad ive found this thread pumpkinj groat mean old mummy you could be me! esp mom earlier thread about the personality change after she had her child i feel exactly the same everything you said rang true for me. I feel like I've lost everything I had hoped to be and that now I have a baby I've fucked up my plans (sorry for language too tired to be eloquent) i feel gulity coz I love my dd but she wasnt planned her father left treated me like crap, I was at a good uni renting a flat now im on benefits feel like my life has been taken away. I've got no friends well one that i see ocasionally but since Ive had dd havent been out. last week i stared a paediatric 1st aid course to get my out of house (and learn valuable skills of course) but the mums all chat to each other and im left on my own, I think they think I'm this stereotype of a teenage mum i'm 24 next week but admittedly i look about 18! so they aviod me as they dont think i have intellegent views or can talk aboput anything.
at the momne tthough i dont feel confident to hold a conversation properly.
ihope i can meet some people on here that i can become friends with (god i sound so sad) i;m sorry if i havent come across properly

Aloha, Beetrot ... sorry you feel that way. It was meant to be for everyone but I respect your opinion if you think it is disloyal - not my intention.

Hi Me23, I know exactly how you feel. Before having ds1 I had just finished a 3yr business and management course and everyone was expecting me to have a great career but then I fell pg. Everyone seemed so dissapointed and it was made worse when his dad walked out after a year. I was in exactly the same situation that you are. It was hell, I loved my baby but life wasnt turning out as I had planned. Even now that im married and have another ds 2yrs I still feel a bit left out. All I seem to do is stay in being mum. Where has the real me gone?

I also know what you mean about other mums being awkward to connect with sometimes. At the local play groups they all seem to chat in their little groups and ignore anyone else who is there. Sometimes I wonder if i give off strange vibes when I enter the room as Im normally easy to get along with and will chat to anyone

thanks for replying I was beginning to think i waqs giving off strange vibes on here. i have to go shops now but i will post moere in a bit.
think we seem quite similar.

Sorry pebblemum and MissPiggy ... if it's going to cause offence - I cant keep the yahoo group open.

I had hoped it was a nice FRIENDLY way for likeminded mums to keep in touch - but it would seem that others take offence at this.

I've met some nice people on this thread but others have put a dampener on it for me now.

No problem Pumpkin. Aloha and Beetroot - I suppose it may look a bit "off" on the face of it and I'm sure it was never Pumpkin's intention to offend or get people to "decamp" elsewhere. From what I can make out, the advantage these groups have is that they are open to members only so your messages etc can be perhaps more personal, with a level of detail that you may not wish to give on a forum that is open to just anyone browsing the internet, hairy armed lorry drivers etc! . I think that everyone who has posted on this thread has found MN a wonderful place to moan, get and give support and have a laugh and would have no intention of being disloyal.

agree with miss piggy, this thread was about finding like minded people and supporting each other. not about dragging people away from mumsnet.
from what i've guessed from other threads there already seems to be quite a lot of people who know each other on here and talk via msn etc.
it was about trying to forge friendships and as miss piggy stated perhaps share private thoughts.
I'm sure she had no intention of offending anyone.
hope this hasn't put anyone off this thread was enjoying reading it. I would like to continue chatting with you girls and anyone else who feels the same.

I just saw it as a slightly more systematised equivalent of talking to people on MSN. I think I would have to be dragged kicking and screaming from MN

Same here MTS! What would I do in the evenings when DH is watching football, football and ..erm...football ? Must admit, technophobe that I am, MSN looks v complicated when DS1 is on it so have tended not to bother with it and Pumpkin's idea just seemed like an easier option.