Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

'Billy-no-mates'. What the hell is going on? .... I've had enough

131 replies

pumpkinpie06 · 19/01/2006 15:06

Hi everyone - that is if there is anyone reading this. Forgive me for being cynical but - really - sometimes I think I must be an experiment on the Truman Show.

I'd be interested to know if heres anyone else who is suffering in the same situation as me - I hope not - as I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Okay - I'm in my late 20's with three wonderful daughters and a caring husband. BUT since I moved to this area 10 (yes 10) years ago I feel like I must be walking around with either a/extremely bad breath or b/ body odour (or maybe I'm just a really horrible person?!?).

I've met people and made aquantances .... but as it stands there is not 1 single person who I can truly call a close friend. Some people just don't bother getting in touch, others make plans to meet but then keep cancelling until I can't be bothered any more. Some people go so far as to be quite standoffish ...WHY????

I'm not rude, I try to be kind, friendly and helpful when I can be. I am not desperate (thankfully I dont mind my own company too much and my kids keep me busy). I am not overbearing or have a very loud embarrasing laugh (at least I dont think so!)

I think you get the idea.

I SERIOUSLY feel like I am on the outside looking in and it only seems to get worse. More than my concern for myself (even though I admit I have been close to suicidal) I am concerned for my children as I need to be role model for them and I should be setting a good example of how to be sociable etc.

Sorry - I'm going on.

I've even tried the 'meet ups' on mumsnet and was met with a, shall we say, 'lukewarm' response.

Please help

OP posts:
groat · 19/01/2006 17:29

i live near southend-on-sea essex and would love to just chat about nothing really like i did when i was working full time. I feel like i am going mad i used to have lots of friends and a few close friends that i see about once a year! it is so lonely being a sahm.

Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 19/01/2006 17:34

Hi shortcake
I Like your way of thinking. If I was more pragmatic (?) then maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. Like VVV said before - maybe it's how I deal with it (still wish people were a bit more friendly though!)

So - you get on okay with the people in the book club??

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 19/01/2006 17:41

Groat - hope theres someone near you on this thread.

Have you tried the meet up threads?

You too gravy

OP posts:
Misspiggy · 19/01/2006 22:56

Hello again! Pumpkin - meant to ask, which meet ups did you go to? I never see any that are anywhere near to this area. I was going to give the big Xmas meet up in London a go but chickened out at the last minute. Coward that I am!

Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 20/01/2006 05:28

I posted on the meet ups to see if there was anyone about but didn't get much response .. so i never actually got to a meet up.

I bet the London meet up was pretty big (I've seen threads on the meet ups for london which are crammed!)

I moved here from near B'mouth and I thought that things were quiet there!!!

OP posts:
Hanjan · 20/01/2006 12:00

hi, just wanted to add my little bit in as well. I decided to become a sahm and none of my friends had babies or got married so I drifted away from them too. It can be very lonely so I can relate to you all on this thread! It helps to know that other people are in the same boat.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/01/2006 12:09

The big London Xmas Meet up was great

You should definitely make it along to the next one. I made myself go even though i was a relative newbie.

pumpkin7 · 20/01/2006 12:53

Im in the same boat. When I had ds1 i was the first one of my friends to settle down and we all just drifted apart, then i moved away for a while and since I have been back I have found it hard to make any real close friends. I have plenty of aquaintances but no one I can really talk to.

I live in Portsmouth but all the meet ups I have seen on mn are always in London or too far away-I dont drive.

I love my kids but sometimes it feels that all I am is a mum and that the real me has got pushed to the back

Misspiggy · 20/01/2006 12:58

Pumpkin - you get up early!! I saw the photos from the Xmas meet-up and thought it looked great so I'll definitely look out for the next one Vicki.

Hanjan · 20/01/2006 13:03

i don't drive either so i know how you feel- I'm taking lessons but have failed 3 times so not looking very hopeful! Sometimes I feel at an odd age, 24, not a teenage parent by any means but my old friends still go out and want different things

Misspiggy · 20/01/2006 13:20

Hanjan - kind of "off subject" here but re your driving, have you tried an automatic rather than manual? I passed my test in a manual but was so nervy on the road that I didn't drive for 3 years after I passed (stupid I know! ) I then moved to where I live now and you can't function here without a car as there's hardly any public transport and the shops etc are miles away from home. DH suggested trying an automatic (one less thing to worry about with no gears!!) and I've never looked back...unless I'm reversing of course It's just a thought but it will make such a difference to you if you have your freedom.

pumpkin7 · 20/01/2006 13:23

i'm 27 and although quite a few of my friends from school are parents now too we still havent kept in touch. I had ds1 when I was 19 but even after splitting from his dad a year later I still used to get time to go out now and again. But now I am married and have ds2 it seems to have gone out of the window. I still deserve a bit of me time and dh wouldnt mind but I havent got anyone I would want to go out for the night with

Hanjan · 20/01/2006 13:31

I know what you mean pumpkin i know that there is an activity out there that would give me time to meet people but it's a case of finding it! But i'm sure it's out there. I keep thinking about a mums and tots group or something
Miss Piggy - thanks for your suggestion - funnily enough dh suggested the same thing and i've had about 4 lessons with an automatic and loving it! Got a test booked but i can feel the nerve brewing

Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 20/01/2006 13:34

Hi MP - yes I am an early bird (especially when dd3 wakes for feed at 5am ... doesn't seem worth going back) Yawn!

Re: driving I don't drive owing to an accident 2 yrs ago where someone smashed into my car (with dd2 in the back) totally shattered my confidence. The elderly man who did it got confused between his brake and accelerator!

I think it makes quite a difference to how you get on if you aren't able to drive yourself places....has anyone else tried a 'driver confidence' course (recommended to me once)?

OP posts:
Hanjan · 20/01/2006 13:35

To be honest , I feel better today just for finding Mumsnet. It's really helped me feel a bit more in the real world again. Shall be on again later no doubt but must pop to the shops (walking of course )

Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 20/01/2006 13:40

okay - maybe I'm just a bit daft ... where are the pictures of the london meet up?

VVV where did you meet?

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/01/2006 15:53

I dont think they are still there - they were for a limited time only but were somewhere in member profiles if you have a search.

If you cant find i'll have a bit of a fish later.

groat · 20/01/2006 19:11

i don't thimk i'd have the courage to go to a meet-up even if there was one in my area. It would be like the school playground only a thousand times worse.
I have never been shy. In the past have given tips to my sis 'cos she was the shy one but now I'm a sahm find I am calling myself shy all the time. Most friends drifted away after baby 1 now I'm on baby 3 and can't seem to connect with anyone comfortably.
Even at DS1's drama group mums all talking around me and if I chip in I then worry that their close friends and don't want some outsider butting in so now I sit on my own there saying nothing and each week it feels more uncomfortable.

Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 20/01/2006 19:33

Hi Groat ... I really cannot tell you how much I can relate to what you are saying. I have very very similar experiences. I think, like you are saying, it starts off you don't feel like you are invited to 'join in' with the conversation and then as time goes on it just 'snowballs'.
I have had a similar situation at my daughters ballet class. I used to take her each week and found it excruciating because although I recognised many of the mums there (from school) - no-one acknowledged me.

I wonder though ... if I had just piped up and said 'Hi' I'm sure they wouldn't have ignored me. They may not have instantly become a 'friend' but it would have take the discomfort out of the situation.

My DH is shy and I once told him that although he found it difficult to approach and talk to people ... they may take it as him 'snubbing' them (after all - they don't know he's shy).

Maybe I should have taken my own advice?!

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinpie06 · 20/01/2006 19:35

also .... feel free to CAT me if you want a chat

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 20/01/2006 19:37

meet-ups are usually better than groups/playgrounds as people are motivated to be more friendly, as they go to meet-ups because they are looking for new friends themselves. a less scary way of making friends is by finding people that you seem to hit it off with on a thread, and then e-mailing/chatting to each other on MSN. Then when you finally meet face to face you have got the small talk over with. Of course by s*ds law you'll find that you hit it off with people at the complete other end of the UK to you...

groat · 20/01/2006 20:27

pumpkin you do seem to know exactly what i am going through. thanks it helps to know that i am not the only one. although horrible to think anyone is in the same boat.

Misspiggy · 20/01/2006 20:35

Evening! I had a look for those photos of the Xmas meet up Pumpkin but, as Sally said, they've been taken off now. I'd forgotten about those 5am feeds as my youngest is 9 now! A while ago DH and I were kind of discussing having a baby (our DSs are from my first marriage - it would be lovely to have a child together) but the early starts, broken nights etc seem so long ago I'm not sure if I could cope now! Why don't you give the Driver Confidence course a try? - if it doesn't work then you've lost nothing (apart from a bit of cash of course!)and if it does help then you're laughing...honestly, if I can manage the M25 when I go to see my mum then anyone can do it! Hanjan - excellent re the automatic! Makes such a difference doesn't it, fingers crossed for your test MummytoSteven - what you were saying about meet ups makes a lot of sense...will keep an eye out for any near to me or in London.

pumpkin7 · 20/01/2006 21:05

just been catching up on the thread.
I love being a sahm but I think it affects your confidence a bit. Your life is based around your children, and your needs get pushed to the back. In the end you forget that you need time to be yourself, to talk to friends, go out or just relax. By the time you realise this you find you have lost touch with all your close friends and it is harder to make new ones.

I have never been that shy that I wont talk to people I dont know but I have lost the confidence to start the conversation.

nightowl · 20/01/2006 21:28

pumpkin, i feel a bit like that too. sort of like i dont fit in anywhere. im not good enough for some and too "stuck up" (in their words, not mine) for others. here sometimes too, i feel a bit of an outcast because my situation is so different to a lot of people who post here. i guess im lowest of the low to some here...claiming benefit, single mother etc..and it annoys me when people dont spare a minute to think how i ended up like this. i shouldnt have to keep telling people i was made redundant and left by my ex.....but somehow i do. none of it was my doing put it that way and its not a situation i intend to be in much longer. i try to think that anyone who is going to judge isnt worth my time anyway.