Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Well I am in the car outside school. My legs are like jelly and my hands are shaking but... The kids have gone to school, I have been in the shop for tea and even spoken to a couple of mums! Nothing terrible happened and I didn't cry (although I might now!) going to go home and put ds3 down for a nap and maybe try some sleep myself.

Glad the kids are off at school. Have a rest.

Anxious morning. Not managed to sleep. Tried to watch some tv to keep my mind off things. Need to stop crying because my friend will be here soon. Wish dh was back but I have not bothered him at work. He needs to be able to concentrate because I know he is in an important meeting. Baby is still asleep so that has made it a bit easier. I am so disgusted with myself that I am putting my dh through this. I know I can't drInk again tonight because it makes everything so much worse but I am so frightened that I won't sleep. I have to work tomorrow too. I am so weary of these feelings. I am also struggling wih how up and down I feel. I never know when the tears will come and the big, overwhelming wave will engulf me.

Hi Idont, I haven't read your whole thread but sounds like you've done really well to take some positive steps. I hope seeing your friend this afternoon helps.

Hi, yousodeservethem (nice one,helpyourself) was up till 3 but in a good way, and slept well with no alarm set so only just surfacing. Let alone cross posting, it seems we are cross-sleeping now!

You have done the things that needed doing despite feeling shite. Please don't be disgusted with yourself. That is just the illness, though, however there are lots of us here who have suffered as you are suffering, you surely don't think we should all be disgusted with ourselves? (Of course you don't)

I am longing to know what your teaching work with adults is, if it won't out you?

My friend has gone. She brought lunch for us (although I couldn't really face any) and has sat and chatted while the babies have played. We talked a little about everything but didn't let it consume the whole conversation. It was a welcome distraction. The baby is now back in bed (I know i know he likes his sleep!) for an hour before school and the quiet house is a little disconcerting, it seems to make my thoughts race. Everything seems too fast at the moment ( does that make sense) everything seems to be whirring around me. It makes me feel like this is what madness feels like. I know I'm not making huge sense but it helps to type it out. It seems to keep me calmer somehow. Dh rang in his lunch break and I felt so relieved to hear his voice. I told him I was fine and I didn't cry. I can't make it any harder for him. He will be home before the dc go to bed so that isn't such a long time is it.
I teach young adults who have been out of education, usually through social problems. I teach them the basics they missed and try to get them back on track educationally. I love my job. It is hugely rewarding. Sometimes you are more of a counsellor than a teacher...the irony eh?
My plan for today... Get up, take kids to school, see my friend...all achieved. Next pick up boys and make tea. Later I will try to plan a simple session for tomorrow. Those are my goals. I hope I can get into work, mornings seem so much harder somehow. I am so tired now but so afraid I won't sleep tonight.

Well done. You're doing really well. Your DH must be very proud of you.

I don't know if he is Toby, I think he is too frustrated with me to feel muh else. He is tryin so hard to be nice though and not let his irritation show. We have times of crisis before for different reasons and he has never ever let me down. I know he feels I have been here for him too when he has needed it but I feel I am failing him as a wife and as the mother of his children.
The nausea today is awful.

Of course this is going to be difficult for him, but you're doing everything you should be doing. It's easy to lose patience with someone who is ill but refuses to get help, but you've done that. I'm willing to bet that he's very proud of the way you're handling this, even if he doesn't show it because he's a man busy with other things.

Thanks Toby.
Oh, I am going to struggle with nex few hours because I am so so tired. I feel like just crawling into my bed. Only about 4 hours until I can!

He is worried about you, of course he is, and wishes he could make it all better for you, and knows he can't, though he can and is supporting you...

Can you just let your racing thoughts run on without paying attention to them? From your early posts, it sounds like your poor brain is trying to process a lot, you don't have to listen while it's doing this.

Your job sounds brilliant. Do they want to learn? which makes quite a difference ime (was Youth Training Scheme computer tutor back in the early 80s, and done a few other teaching/training things since)

TPPC, most of them want to learn, yes, although many of them don't really know how to learn, concentration issues and in appropriate behaviour ( nothing really too heavy) but most are good people who have been failed terribly by various people and systems. Lots of teen mums, ex Drugand alcohol users, prostitution, care leavers and sometimes young offenders. We have good success with most of them, not always academic, but I don't think that's always the important thing. They are mainly wonderful young people who just need someone to encourage hem and make them feel they are worthy of your time and effort. This is one reason I can't miss tomorrow, they rely on me. Some of them have had a far worse time than me but can keep it together.
Anyway, done the school run and feeling a little better for the fresh air. Am anxious for dh to get home but I know he won't be long and ds1 is entertaining ds3 for a few minutes.
I have a feeling I may now have outed myself of anyone from rl is reading this. I suspect I know a couple of MNers but if I am right, I think they are the type to respect my privacy. If not, then so be it.
Next on my list is to make dinner and feed the dc. This day has been endless.

A session on how they keep it together in bad times (without going into the really bad times, of course?) Then you can pick their brains without them knowing

I did one day's teaching life skills at a local college to an orrible lot of youth who didn't want to be there. The work I had prepared was to look up things in the Phone Book, like the local council etc so they could finally get why the alphabet has an order, and learn to find info effectively. I handed out the 10 worksheets to them, of course they started to try to band together, much to their surprise I had prepared 10 different (though comparable in difficulty) worksheets, each was unique.

Sadly I am totally ineffective at controlling people who don't want to co-operate, and actually was v depressed at the time, though thought I was coping! I couldn't face the experience more than once

Your lot sound like they might be happy to support you, and glad of the opportunity to repay your help. If you needed to, and felt it right, you can always say 'sorry, I'm having a bit of a bad today today' without going into any detail and without saying why.

"a bit of a bad day today (though actually I quite like the original mistake 'a bad today today')

My lot probably started out like yours but I've been fortunate to be able to have time to get to know them and work them out. The first time I went I thought I could never go back but I love it now . One off sessions with these sort of learners never seem to work but I have fantastic support if I have any particularly problematic learners. Also, I find getting the mouthiest one onside usually works. They arent scared of telling each other what they think! I am just very lucky that funding has allowed us to keep them on course for such a long time...it is very rare nowadays. Ha- just read that back and I sound almost normal!
I may let them know to be gentle with me tomorrow, I'll gauge the mood I think. I have a teaching assistant who I know very well on a personal level so I may have a quiet word with her, without going into the ins and outs. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I do have bad migraines so I could always blame them for my shocking bags under my eyes and my low concentration levels.
Dc are driving me insane atm they are very loud and silly for some reason. Baby has just refused his dinner and thrown it everywhere and the other two are bickering. So so wish it was bedtime.

If I had been at my best (which was rare at that time) I might have dealt better. I could see the group dynamics, which was the ringleader etc, but froze I'm afraid, though managed to get through the hour! The other problem I have is face blindness - one reason why I think I have AS - it would have taken me several sessions to be able to tell them apart reliiably, and to know their names, this of course never helps if you want control, knowing everyone's names from the get-go so you can address them by name if you need to must be a great advantage. My supervisor at uni was terrifyingly good at this!

Im sure you would be fantastic at it but if I had had my first ever session when I felt like I do now, it would have put me off for life!
Thanks anyway TPPC, for taking my mind off myself for a while, it does help to focus on other things.

When is DP back? He sounds lovely

He is lovely I am very lucky. He has just phoned to say he is 5 minutes away. I am so glad. It has been such a long day. I suppose on the plus side, I got through it and didn't phone him to come home.

[hugs]

Sounds like you're done brilliantly today, well done! Hope you manage to get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight and get to work tomorrow, play it by ear, don't put too much pressure on yourself if you don't feel up to it, but it might be a good distraction.

Thanks everyone. Off to bed now. Really hoping for some sleep. Very irritable and anxious tonight. Have prepared for tomorrow but don't know if I can go. Dh said to see how I feel in the morning.

Glad to see you had a better day.
Hope tomorow goes well. Remember it all about small steps. And for the timebeing there will be more days that will seem like an absolute struggle. Keep your eye on the horizon. Rest and medication will quick in soon.
X

Will be up for at least the next half hour, should you happen to be awake...

Good morning, tea, coffee, hot chocolate? Hope you had a decent night's sleep and that you're feeling ready for today, and if you're not, remember not to feel bad about calling in sick at the last minute, just say you're really under the weather and will go to the GP if necessary.