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Am I having a breakdown?

680 replies

Idontdeservethem · 16/01/2012 13:54

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 08:53

Morning. Am and dressed for work. Yesterday even was quite tough for some reason, very teary bit also didn't feel I could about it which hasn't really been the case over the last few days. Dunno. Different again this morning. No tears but do feel a bit 'spaced' for some reason. Going to work as it stands at the moment. Hopefully, I will be too busy to think. Wish me luck!

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helpyourself · 20/01/2012 09:01

Morning Deserving, hope you are feeling rested. VV's advice is good, play today by ear. Tonight could be a good distraction, but if you don't make it it won't be the end of the world!

Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 09:21

Am in the car ready to go, legs like jelly and having cold sweats but I have a half hour drive so I am hoping to feel ok by the time I get there. I did actually sleep last night but it was broken and I also found a small boy attached to my neck at about 4 in the morning! Right, better go.

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helpyourself · 20/01/2012 09:24

Go deserving! We're all rooting for you. Remember you're doing a great and brave thing facing up to this illness, and

All this will pass.

ThePinkPussycat · 20/01/2012 14:22

Hope it went well, deserving. I was up till 4, slept from 5 am till 1pm, so now seem to be getting enough sleep, but with a cycle that's 5 hours behind!

Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 16:12

I'm back, I managed to do it. Can't say it was my finest work but at least I went. Feel I have wobbled and fumbled through the day but better than nothing. Spoke to a colleague earlier to just say I wasn't at my best, I didn't go into detail but I think she knew what I was alluding to. I have said I will let her know about next week depending how the medication affects me so I feel a bit better that if I can't go in, I dont feel I have left them totally without warning. I so exhausted now, I am physically aching as though I have been working out all day! Going to have a quiet night with dh and be glad that it is another day over. Thank you for your good wishes, you do spur me on because I didnt want to have to come back here and report that I have failed again.

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Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 16:54

TPPC, go to bed at half three tonight and see if you get to sleep earlier then keeping moving it back gradually.

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helpyourself · 20/01/2012 18:07

Get you ! That's fantastic, and also really great that you're thinking of everyone else (TPPC).

I was thinking of you today- rest up and keep in touch!

slinkyboo · 20/01/2012 18:20

Well done...now it's time to change that username!

ThePinkPussycat · 20/01/2012 19:16

I second slinky re the name change.

Don't get me wrong, atm I like my skewed hours, stbx and I are still in the house, he works from home and rarely goes out, I find it easier to work at night, and also while he's at least asleep if not out of the house! When i met you the other night it was after lying in bed with racing thoughts for hours, this is quite different Grin

Didn't you do well today Thanks

Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 19:42

Thank you everyone. Have felt ok tonight until maybe the last half hour but he black gloom and tears seem to have started again. I think adrenalin alone got me through today. I felt a bit 'high' when I first came home (does that make sense) and now after a bath and in my pjs, I seem to have slumped again. I haven't managed to eat all day today, apart from a few nuts, so dh I'd making a curry. Not a bit hungry but I will try to eat something then I think I might just go to bed. Re name change, I don't know, maybe not at the moment. I feel so guilty but I am telling myself I shouldn't so maybe that's a step forward for now?

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helpyourself · 20/01/2012 20:24

Ideservetogetbetter?

Idontdeservethem · 20/01/2012 20:31

Helpyourself my Grandma would have said "God loves a trier" I will think about it. Smile

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Asinine · 20/01/2012 20:36

OneDayAtATime?

Well done, you are doing great. Just concentrate on the basics this weekend, eat, sleep and get out somewhere beautiful. Get hugged and listen to your favourite music in the bath. You are running on empty, and need to recharge. Don't feel guilty, this is your time to get better.you deserve it.

Idontdeservethem · 21/01/2012 02:15

Well, thought I was doing so well. Here I am in the middle of the night, wide awake, feeling shit. Nausea is back. Anxious. Head is whirring. So fed up. Feel like I am swinging between lows like this and crazy speeding brain. Go from closing up and not wanting to talk to anyone to talkin non stop about everything going on in my head. Told dh so much tonight about my childhood, stuff I'd even forgotten or hadn't seen as an issue before. Not sure if it is an issue or my loopy brain making things seem more important or traumatic than they are. I don't know if it's all in my head.
Stuff like being made to sit for hours with food I didn't like, all my toys were kept in the shed and that was where I always had to play (my step siblings stuff wasn't in the shed), the physical punishments that no one else in the house got, the total lack of praise and hugs and love. So so many things I have tamed about, one after the other. My family are all about appearances, I had lovely clothes and nice holidays and a beautiful home and lots of activities but I wasn't allowed a friend in the house ( unless pre arranged after school for tea for a short time) but he others had friends in and out all the time, I wasn't lower to feel sad, was made to feel silly, everything I achieved was because of them eg main part in school play wasn't "well done" it was "that's because I paid for all hose singing lessons" all sounds so petty but it was every day of my life, constant put downs and living on edge. 12 years of it. I can't stop it all going round and round in y head. Why does it matter anymore? I am just self pitying and silly. I want to be a loved and cherished little girl, somebody's little girl. So silly because I am a grown woman and dh loves me but I want them to love me in the way that little girl should have been loved. I was bullied and terrorised but I can't cut them out of my life. I make excuses for them now and try to see them as different people to who they were back then. I am scared that this illness has always been in me, I am scared that I am so seriously screwed up that I may never feel ok again, I may be opening a huge can of worms that I can't put back

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CheerfulYank · 21/01/2012 02:42

Oh darling, darling darling. I am so sorry. It is so hard.

I had one of those episodes recently. It is really not like me (I'm usually cheerful...see the name :)). I told DH that I just only wanted to sleep. My house was a pit and I feel like the fattest person alive.

Some things that help me are having a routine, lots of sleep, exercise when I can...

I am so sorry no one cared for you the way they should have when you were a child. But that little girl is still inside you, and you can nurture and love her.

You are worthy, you are lovely, you are loved, you are special, you will be ok. You will be wonderful. I don't even know you, and I know this is true.

ThePinkPussycat · 21/01/2012 03:29

Oh my dear, please proceed immediately to the Stately Homes thread on Relationships, and have a read - it doesn't matter where you start. Just lurk for a bit, you are not alone. And please stay here, I will stay up as long as you like, just so long as you don't mind me multi-tasking - cooking, working on my divorce case, and transcribing my medical notes (possibly not all those things).

By the way, I knew they were horrible youth, that's why I put orrible, should have put 'orrible to show it wasn't a typo. My unfortunate one-off came a couple of years after I'd worked in YTS, most of the trainees were lovely, some were once you got to know them, and some of them were tossers, but only a few Grin

I'll check back very soon.

ThePinkPussycat · 21/01/2012 03:30

weren't horrible youth

Idontdeservethem · 21/01/2012 09:37

What an awful awful night. Hardly any sleep. Dh had to work this am so am sitting on the bAthroom floor whilst the two little ones have a bath hen going to put baby down for his nap. I reread my post from last night and it was a bit surreal, I remember posting it but it feels like my brain was somewhere else. Yes, I've seen the stately homes thread but have always avoided it really. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Also, I seem to be surprising myself with some things I am saying. Toys in the shed for example. It actually never occurred to me until last night that a) I was the only one who had to play there and b) that there was anything wrong with it. Everything seems to be flooding out of me and I'm not sure I can cope with it.

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VikingVagine · 21/01/2012 12:05

Can you start the ads today?

Idontdeservethem · 21/01/2012 12:15

Just woken up. Boys in front of tv and baby in bed. Feel teary but not as panicked. Feel a bit more in control of myself. Dh will be home soon. We are supposed to be out tonight and dc at my parents, don't feel I can cancel. Dh said we can come home if I feel unwell. It is a party for a friend of his family. I think I will ok around Dhs family. I like them, they are easy to be around and not intrusive. Dh is looking forward to it and I don't want to let him down.again. Baby just woken up, will have to go.

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VikingVagine · 21/01/2012 14:24

Sounds like you're doing ok today, try and enjoy yourself tonight if you can, and if you're not having fun then do just come home, no one will blame you, they'll just be pleased you went in the first place.

Mittzchief · 21/01/2012 15:03

You ask why it all matters anymore Idon't... well we are all the3 sum total of our experiences, especially the ones that occur during childhood, and particularly certain points in our childhood.
So if we are brought up in a loving, secure, supportive environment, it is more likely we will be confidant, happy and more capable of handling the things we have put in our paths.

What you describe was far from that, and we bury it as a survival and coping strategy, and very often understand our upbringings to be the 'norm' until something makes us understand that in fact, it was far from it.

In all truth, I didn't reach that point until I found MN, because I had grown to doubt myself so much that of course I was everything I had grown up to believe and a cycle begins.

My brother liked Elvis and my Dad supported that, I liked Donny Osmond, and he got the rest of the family to pack suitcases, then knocked on my bedroom door ( I was about 6/7ish) and Dad told me they were leaving and I wasn't going, then they left the house, whilst I hid in a cupboard, crying and terrified. I can't remember how long they 'hid', but the damage was done,....

What I can say, is that with a good counsellor, and time, the damage done can be limited, and healed... I am never comfortable with the term 'inner child' but it is very much about acknowledging her and recognising what happened and then protecting the 'inner child' that remains as a core part of who we are.

My counsellor compared it to a huge ball of knotted, tangled thread, and pulling at them one by one to untangle it....
So yes, a can of worms, but maybe in opening it, you can, bit by bit, decide which ones you actually want back in your can.

I am 42 Idon't, and for the first time in my life really, I like me, so please believe that somewhere along your line, you can be in a better place and realise that actually, not only DO you deserve them, but they are lucky and blessed to have you too xx

ThePinkPussycat · 21/01/2012 16:48

some lovely replies Smile and Mitts you sound awesome.

I did all the things I said I might, didn't get to bed till 7am, I checked the thread and thought of you a lot. I had a strange abnormal childhood (down to AS in PA and me, partly) but nothing intentionally cruel like you describe, so that's why I lurked on Stately Homes in the past.

ThePinkPussycat · 21/01/2012 16:49

*AS in DF I meant...