Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Just wanted to add to the many offering support. You are doing just fine, recognising the problem and doing something about it is the hardest step.

I suffered PND from when my younger son was about 7months old. Trouble was, I had no idea. Thought it was just what it was like having 2 kids. I was horrible, just horrible. And I don't remember most of my son's first 4 years, which is a bit heartbreaking. Thankfully, I realised when he was 4 1/2 that something was wrong, DH and I separated for a few months and the doc said PND could still affect you YEARS after a birth.

I took citalopram for 18 months, but it did take a couple of weeks to really kick in. I also took temazapan 2/3 nights a week to help me sleep. Letting go is very hard to do and, like you, I had a very supportive DH who totally helped me work through it all. Even now, 4 years on, he knows when I need support or when I need to be kept away from potentially stressful situations. Also, if I need to sleep, he knows that I really NEED to sleep and there just is no point in fighting it.

I had almost no support from my family, and my inlaws weren't overly interested so I really really relied on online friends in the beginning. But one day I opened up to a load of school mums when we were at a soft play party and they were Sooooo ku d and helpful and just nice. I think I had always seemed a little stand-offish so they were glad to find I was human! And I get on brilliantly with them all now and people even ask me for advice when they experience depression issues themselves

You WILL get through this, your kids will not hate you, and your DH will be thrilled to have happy-you back in the very near future. You need to take care of yourself now, give in to your feelings and needs, abdicate responsibility for yourself in a way, let your DH take control. And please try to talk to other RL people about it. If you're anywhere around Cambs/Herts, I would love to meet you for coffee if you felt like offloading to a stranger

Hugs and good luck to you all

Pinkycheese. Thank you for your lovely post and thank you for your offer, other end of the country though. Viking, I haven't told my
Mum anything and I won't. I only mentioned migraines because I missed a family arrangement on Monday and also I would have spoken to her a couple of times this week by now and I don't want her asking questions. Not that she even rang to check I was ok after my no show. I think maybe I'm kidding myself that she'd even care. Anyway, I don't need to speak to her until at least Friday now so the pressure feels off there. I Have such a complicated relationship with my family but I don't think that they see it like that. Thank you all once again.

I have asked for this thread to be moved to mental health. I think it is better over there and as I have put a lot of info about myself on here I think it is less likely to be seen by anyone from rl. It is hard to admit that that is where it belongs though, have I really got a mental illness? I suppose I must have.

Hello,

Just posting to let you know that we've moved this to Mental Health at the OP's request.

Thanks
MNHQ

Thank you Rowan

Please try not to see mental illness in a negative way. Physical illness is acceptable but the brain is an organ of the body too and sometime it does go a bit wrong! If YOU can accept mental illness, it makes it easier for your friends and family to accept it too

Do let us know how you're getting on

There are lots of lovely people here. As a newbie, I don't think I dared post anywhere else for months I lurk on MH a lot, and post sometimes when it seems it might be relevant... I found you through the active list at 4.30 in the morning that was such a help to me

(I was midnightservant in those days, though)

Shit. I am sinking so low.

Thank goodness you're here, I was getting worried.

Remember it's one day at a time.

You have achieved quite a bit in the last couple of days.

You have started talking it through here, you have taken decisive steps in RL too.
Do not undermine yourself. You HAVE taken control already.
Keep on course, set yourself reasonable goals (week one: sleep, keep a little routine, look after yourself / week two: start taking AD's etc.....

Do not beat yourself up about failing this or that. Stop sweating the small stuff. I know it's easier said than done but be gentle on yourself.

Your only goal right now is to get through the day and sleep well. Your head Will clear when your body has started resting.

On the note of ADs, If you are not taking them until Sunday, please do go to the pharmacy and buy a mix of valerian/passionflower. It really helps calm down and sleep soundly without waking up groggy.

here

It works really well for me and in the end I never took the tablets the Dr prescribed. (the side effects scared me off too and talking about control, I did not like the idea of a long treatment. I opted for counseling only)
So really also bear in mind that you have options. You are not stuck with one course of action.
Another thing that really helped is fresh air. Brisk walks whenever those thoughts started racing through my mind. Appreciate the random smile from a dog walker. Breathe deeply.
And outings to places where you talk to people. Small talk. I made regular trips to my local street market. The smell of fresh produce, the colours, the animation, it was always a distraction AND helped feel less isolated.
It's very important to socialize. If you can't deal with RL friends and family right now, just be around other people and share small moments.

Good night

Fallen out with dh. Had alcohol cos was too scared not to sleep. I think he hates me. I know he doesn't but I think he hates me like this. This is the real me. This is how I felt deeP inside for the last 23 years. I have surfaced for short splls but then burid myself under the outside facade. He fell in love with someone who is not me. Shit. I will lose him. I am not that person, I don't know how to find her again. I want to run far away. I do t because really I want to stay here and safe in my lovely mans arms but I am making him so sad and it is only a mate of time before the dc pick up on it. If I run, if I go far away, they can say I was a horrIble persOn but get Over me. If I stay I might damag them all forever.

He hates who I am. I am so very sorry. I won't run, I told dh that. I said I feel like running away but I w

Those things really do help lift depression,lapwing, however OP has only just started her journey. Just a note from personal experience, when I was deeply depressed it was scarcely possible to find the motivation to do anything much apart from drink tea, smoke fags, and look after our 2 kids as best I could. And OP has 3 children, one of whom is a twelvemonth. I was depressed from childhood and had to wait till 1998 till there was a med to touch my depression (in my case the SSRI paroxatine (Serroxat).

You there, OP? I'll be up for a bit - at least till 2am

Won't. I offered to see if I can stay with my sister for a couple of weeks until I a bit clearer but he said not. I think he saw it as a threat, it wasn't, I want to not make it harder to him. I love him so much. Shit shit shit. Please please help me

Pinkpussycat, we crossed posts. Are you there?

I am making no sense. On my phone and posting badly but I M so so so very low. Without dh what do I have? I know he will be fine and is just frustrated and tired nd hAs to work early in the morning but I think I will be like this forever. This is me. It is not me who he loves. He loves the front I have put on for many many years. What can I do. Shit.

Am calmer. Going to bed. Will talk to dh to tomorrow.

Sorry I didn't get back to you before. I am naturally a night owl, and got diverted, and I'm taking advantage of my sleep pattern being out of synch as well. I am about to cook myself a cheeseburger, so if you do happen to be still there, rest assured you are not keeping me up

I'm checking the thread fairly often, but irregularly.

You have articulated exactly how it felt for me. Add in that I was a miserable failure and it could be my inner voice talking to me, back in the day. I know it sounds mad, but try talking out loud to yourseld, a whisper will do, I found I said more positive things when I used to try this.

Anyway will stop waffling on. Hope it is the morning when you read this, don't worry if it isn't.

Last night seems surreal. Alcohol is not my friend and I will be staying away from it fOr a while. poor dh. My posts from last night are a bit crazy but do make sense to me. Dh getting ready for work so about to face my first full day without him. I can do this!

Pinkpussycat thank you for your support last night.

Morning yousodeservethem You sound really positive this morning. You can do this, one foot in front of the other, tiny baby steps.

Morning, glad you're feeling a bit better this morning, can you try and avoir alcohol for the next few weeks, it sounds like it makes you much worse. You'll be alright today, just remember, one step at a time.

Yes. I will be avoiding alcohol, it made me feel terrible and I know I am going to feel awful today as I always get a kind of irrational anxiety the day after I have had a drink. On a positive note, dh went to work, I got up and got dressed and all three kids are dressed, I have made their lunch so my only hurdle is getting them to school. I have asked my friend to come over after lunch, I'd rather not see anyone really but I need a reason to not go back to bed when the baby naps in the afternoon and also I think it will do me good to see her.

Helpyourself, only just noticed what you did with my name. Made me