Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

I have to make myself eat. I go to the shop and buy random stuff I might like - this might well include coffee cake or chocolate cake , I have got some prawns defrosting for later, and am eating buttered Granary bread and a chunk of cheddar atm

Oh, how I hate the mornings....

Today's the day!!

I hope, anyway. My sol seems incapable of answering a simple question if I email it, I did try to clarify the process, but think it will happen today and they will hear Monday.

Still have kitchen floor to wash. Have made first batch of cheese scones for tomorrow's lunch.

I hope my news cheers you up a bit Fitz

This morning is almost over fitzroy. ((hugs)). I woke up feeling terrible and really struggled to get out of bed. I knew I was spoiling for a fight so told dh to give me a wide berth. I told him it wasn't him but I was so irritable I would have blown at the least little thing. I had to get up because I had to go into the office but again, this helped and I am felling much better now, if a little 'nervy'. My sister and my mum are due to arrive so I'll have some lunch wih them then do some lesson planning for tomorrow, pick kids up from school, tea, bedtime routines, a bit more planning then that's another day over. Doctors after work tomorrow, dh is meeting me there. Keep going x

You are both very brave, I am stuck off work sick, I would love to go back, but I am transferring back to nearer home... I am so bad with obsessional thoughts, re "I wish I was not here", they are just thoughts but the depression only lifts now and again.... the mornings are the worst though, and I just wish I could shake this off....
Good for you PPC, I have eaten some breakfast, and a bannana, so hopefully will keep energy up. I just don't seem to have much of an apetite, but hearing how you are all doing so well, does help, and I am only 2 weeks on the higher dose of ad....... I have set goals everyday, so it is not as if I am not planning things..... hugs xxxx

Well, it looks like I'm still married till at least tomorrow, but actually that suits me. House cleaning going well, other members of household have at least put their stuff away!

I am so glad I don't have to go back to a job, all mine have ended in depression. I do like to make myself useful though, and feel I am achieving that, also I will need to make an income of sorts whatever happens, and am hoping to do some freelance work :)

Party on Relationships is still on though

You could always train to be a counsellor of some sorts...... you are really good at it, and you sound like you have had loads of experience..... Save a seat for me at the party.... its a new opportunity..... for you ....
I think I had a positive thought this afternoon, now that's a first...

Yay! Positive thoughts, that's what we all need! See you in relationships, I might just pop in to say hello then lurk though!

No more training for me, not at my age... Party on, chaps!

Lost that positive thinking again, went away, wish it would come back soon.... trying to do a clear out of rubbish that I don't know why I kept. Selling things on ebay, and generally trying to keep occupied. Dr's rang to ask me to get some more blood tests, including B12.....
Are you free yet PPC....

I don't actually know. But stbx/ex is now engaging in dialogue re settlement, which is a huge step forward

Meeting here went well today, and I have a clean(ish) ground floor, and DD and OH have sorted their stuff without even noticing and there is lots of nice stuff for sandwiches around, and a tin full of cheese scone. I am now completely knackered and about to have a well earned rest. Good result, all in all, I feel.

Hi all. Checking in but will come back when kids are in bed with a longer post. X

Too tired to sleep. He is still being an utter arse, and DD is being a selfish little cow who thinks I should rush to her side everytime she clicks her fingers, no matter that I might be doing something else. I asked her if she thought I was the genie of the lamp, and later suggested she might take lessons in how to deal with servants from Her Feline Majesty Queen Midnight, who comes to find me, waits patiently, and then graciously leads me to do her bidding. :)

I think the humour with dd sounds good PPC

How old is DD ?

Say whatever you like about your DH but don't malign your DD is my feeling. Don't tar them both with the same brush anyway ! HTH

DD is 20. Like her father and brother(23) she has consistently declined to help round the house, even when asked, (and repeated asked=nagged, which I hate doing). She saw no humour in what I said, am not sure she even understood what I was getting at. I do not blame her and DS, I think it is learned behaviour from Stbx, and I hope and pray that Real Life will remedy the damage inflicted by the marriage. Neither of the kids know how little stbx has contributed financially, I have kept it from them out of shame for their father, and the result is they are both hardworking with full time jobs they are good at and enjoy.

DD and I love each other - even in the midst of a row discussion a few weeks ago, she interrupted herself to tell me she loved me, and in most ways she is a well rounded lovely young woman (see Aspergers thread on Relationships for a few more details). However, she does not respect me as I would expect anyone to respect another adult who shares a household, seeming to equate me with Dobby the House Elf Over the years stbx has never backed me up when I've asked the kids to help, I am the one who repeatedly asked DS to clean the bbq after he used it last summer. It still sits on the patio, and is now all rusty.

Stbx has tarred DD with his own attitude to me, however I think the eucalypus oil of maturity will clean it off in time! DD is planning to lodge with stbx in the house he buys after the settlement, I will be interested to see how they get on. Am so longing to live alone, I need some space...

what would I do without you lot to let it all out to?

Hi, I was trying positive thoughts again, but selling on ebay is doing my head in... they want something for nothing.....

I am crying again, and yet I got up early, tried a little breakfast, but everything seems to much for me at the moment... I can't face any more of this anxiety.... oh to be back to my old self....
PPC, you will be alone soon enough, and then you can choose what and when you do it. DD, will soon see dh is new light..... sorry I am no good at cheering anyone up, trying my best to keep my own chin above water..... but you are right it does help to keep posting.....

Fitz DD and stbx know a thing or two about e-bay, and what strategies you need to run as a seller. But I know very little Have you looked at the E-Bay Mumsnet thread? It's the weekend, stop thinking about what you are doing to raise money and take a little time to stop selling and research the best way of doing it. That's what MN is for

Perhaps someone is selling positive thoughts on e-bay If so, I would go for the 'buy now' option rather than bidding

Stbx is talking specifics. We are making progress.

Thanks PPC, went out for a walk round the shops, bought one postive thought, and sold something for a good price on ebay.... keep on going.....

Care to share your positive thought? The good thing about thoughts is that even if you give them away, you still get to keep them yourself

Too cold for me here to go for a walk - think blue skies, wind, and occasional sleet shower [brrr]

Positive thought, brought on by the walk, was I will get better from this, it is hard, especially the racing thoughts, and nausea, but I WILL GET BETTER....I only have to give myself time and stop being so hard on myself.....
it was very cold here as well, but I needed to get out, as I didn't want my sister thinking here she goes again..... and then she gives me her reassuring speech...... a hug would be nice......

Some people just can't do 'em - my DF, for one, (suspected AS, that's one of the things making me think he has it).

Just had a good time watching You've Been Framed, and TV Burp. These days I seem able to laugh out loud in a way I had lost over the years. Good sign, eh?

Sorry, still here. Am reading but can't seem to find the words to post at the moment.

Just hang on in Ikea and [hugs] to all.

Yes it is weird PPC to find yourself laughing, when I thought I really think i shouldn't be laughing, because I feel so awful....keep on laughing..... its a lovely day here, sunny but cold...
Ikea, just keep reading, and when you feel able to post you will

xx

feeling really down......