Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Fitz who exactly threatens you with court?

Mad kitten sounds fun, when ours was young she would come onto our bed after we had gone to bed, and then...suddenly...pounce! on whatever foot or hand we had happened to move.

Not too bad today myself, stresswise.

thats good PPC, these ad seem to be taking ages to kick in, the anxiety and feeling unreal is awful.... very distressing, and frightening. Not looking forward to another week of this....

Sorry PPC forgot to say the debt collectors, they do it all the time.....

Well as you have someone managing your debt for you, I think that is harassment - do they phone or write?

I had to go to court with one of them last year, to get their demand "set aside", yet I had Payplan managing my debt management plan. Payplan did nothing to help, so I had to pay to get an avait davit signed and go to court. They didn't turn up, and they said I had not been in contact with them.... they do it all the time. I am so sick and tired of them all.... I am convinced that is why I am in the state I am in, apart from taking all that crap HRT.....never touch it again... it does not agree with me, and messes with your hormones, causing depression and anxiety.....

You can swear an affidavit at court for free - I had to for my divorce.

Who are Payplan? Do you have to pay a fee? I know there are only 2 or 3 people recommended to do debt management and one of them is the CAB. I expect there is something relevant on moneysavingexpert.

AIUI if creditors contact you direct, all you should do is refer them to your debt managers.

thanks PPC I paid £20 for it to be signed.... Payplan, you can google them, but my dmp ends in year 2326 or something daft like that. Now I have another government run agency saying they can take it over, and do the same thing... but to be honest I want them written off. I have no assets except for half a house, which I can't release any money without the agreement of my sister. None of these debts were ever secured on property, as I didn't have any when they were taken out.... but dca, are the really lowest of the low..... I don't think I am going to change to this other company as I don't have the strength at the moment.... feel rotten this morning....how about everyone else. Ikeatears should be having her counselling session about now... hope it goes well for her...

Hi all. just come off the phone to the counsellor, he was very nice and I have given him a little of the background to how I am feeling and to my childhood and my biological and adoptive families. He one hundred per cent agreed that CBT is not what I am looking for at the moment and has suggested that after these 6 sessions end, he will help me to try to access something more long term in my area. I cant say I feel any better or any worse but I know it is early days.
We went out on Saturday night with some friends and I had only 4 drinks but felt terrible on Sunday. I need to accept that alcohol is not my friend at the moment. I am ok today, not up but not in the depths. Day by day I suppose.

thank goodness Ikea, you got an understanding counsellor. I am the same with alcohol, I don't think I should have more than a glass. My pannicking used to be only in the morning, but is appearing even when I go to bed.... My sister thinks I am getting better, but I can't see it, I hide a lot of weeping and wailing from her, and the awful thoughts I have.... And all the news seems to be bad at the moment.....

That sounds like a very good start Ikea, he needed to gather information first and he seems to have come up with a very good plan.

Fitz no wonder you are so down, you are carrying a heavy burden. Do you feel able to see the CAB? It may take a few weeks to get an appointment as they are so busy. Just to talk to them about the situation, not to hand over your debt management necessarily.

I have talked to Advice4DebtNi, and they want me to do a financial income outgoings this afternoon, but to be honest they can't come up with anything new, as I have overspent before Christmas, when I first became ill, and my current account is with the same building society that my credit card is with, so I would lose everything, as the bank can just take money from my current to cover the credit card.... I am so pannicked.... feel sick again....

I have pm'd you Fitz and about to send another...

Hi PPC, I went out for a half hour walk, which has helped a little. I don't know why I am so worried whenever they have accepted my offer of a token payment, I should just wait until I am feeling stronger, which I hope is very soon. Going to say to the counsellor tomorrow, and ask why is this happening now, as the stress was worse two years ago, when I was burgled twice within 6 months, and my car stolen both times...... when I look back I don't know how I thought I came through it.. I was bullied at work for th last 6 years, and my mum died, is it any wonder I am in the state I am in...... My work also want to see me, they obviously think I am faking it..... How many days now until you are a free woman......

Thursday is the day

Fitz I have been through the whole off work with stress/mh issues myself. In my case there was a procedure laid down which was theoretically designed to help, but actually didn't. For instance I was off because work was stressing me, with a 4 week sick note, after 2 weeks they rang me, I think the procedure said to do so 2 weeks before due back and theoretically it was to show concern and due care...instead it put me right back to my initial stressed out state and I retreated to bed for 2 days

My stress is due to work, as you say, and as far as I know, you are entitled to one years full pay, if the stress is caused by your work..... i am hoping to take out a grievance process when I go back, I only hope I am back before 6 months.... I seem to be going backwards, I get stressed because I am not at work, but the thought of it stresses me out. I might try out a phased return..... if I feel any better.... thank you so much for your kind thoughts and I do agree these forums do help.....

Hi again, TPPC, not long til Thursday now, how are you feeling about it? Even when we want something very much, the end of a marriage must feel sad and throw up mixed emotions. Fitzroy, hope tomorrow is a better day for you, at least the walk helped.
Well, something came up in the counselling this morning which I thing has possibly explained what my trigger has been this time. In November, we went on a family holiday, my dad and stepmum, my stepbrothers, my sister and our families for a special birthday. We have done this once before, a couple of years ago and it was fine so I wasn't too concerned. This time it was...I'm trying to find the right words...it was uncomfortable. I think that's what I mean. It felt like there was an underlying tension and as though we were putting on an act. My sister actually said to me at the time that it all felt false and she was sick of keeping up the pretence. I think I knew and I know, deep down, we haven't got over any issues and we aren't an ordinary loving family but we pretend we are and I felt the strain of it that week. I think this may have started my feeling like this. When I look back, I can see that I felt a bit 'flat' that week and that feeling didn't go away all over December. It had flitted through my brain a couple of times over the last couple of weeks that the holiday may have had something to do with it. Today saying it out loud, the counsellor picked up on it and it became clear that it probably did start then.
Maybe counselling is for me after all...

Ikea that is great to hear - like finding the end of the string when it's all in a tangle.

I'm fine, I don't really believe in marriage anyway, and working out how to live under the same roof is progressing one little step at a time. Caught up with an old friend today, and felt supported.

Am planning to start a party thread in Relationships on Thurs at about 8.30 pm or maybe before - hope you can all make it :)

I'll look out for it.
Yes, at least I feel a bit more in control because it doesn't appear to be a random occurrence. That worried me because I have always had triggers in the past and to feel like this with no trigger felt scary as it meant it could rear its head at any time if that makes sense.

that is brilliant news Ikea, I can trace all this stress back to things, but I have never ever had it so bad, and I do blame the HRT treatment for that. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for us all, and PPC, count me in for that party.... xxxxkeep posting...

Everyone ok..... PPC Ikeatears..... I check in all the time to see if you are ok...

I am fine. Very well in fact. I check in all the time too - so perhaps when we check, we should post something, however trivial, the inconsequential chat of friends :)

I have a meeting taking place here on Fri am, am going to have to wash the kitchen floor and hoover round and stuff today and tomorrow. Am quite looking forward to it in a funny sort of way - have been on housework strike, as for ages I was the only one in a house of 4 adults who did any proper cleaning!

Hi all, I'm fine too. Had a tough afternoon yesterday but texted dh to phone me when he was free and he called me in between work sites and just chatted on his hands free while he drove and that was enough. Nothing heavy, just hearin his voice picked me up a little. Today I have worked, meeting new learners which I enjoyed and my friend watched the baby so had a nice chat with her when I got back. I have a new project at work which is slightly making me panic but I am determined to rise to the challenge and I find keeping my mind occupied helps. I WANT to curl up and do nothing but find the anticipation of all there is to do is worse than the actual tasks if that makes sense. I am finding I can't think too far ahead or I get that sinking feeling but one thing at a time is manageable.
Going to have a nice meal with dh tonight when kids are in bed because we were too busy last night. We don't make a huge deal of valentines but we do always try to just put a little one aside to us.
Hope you are all well, one day at a time is my philosophy at the moment.

A little time not a little one!

Hi all, glad you are feeling better Ikea, and PPC..... one day at a time, but my problem is today, I didn't feel like eating lunch, so went out to recycling centre with my glass, papers etc, and went to B&Q to get some new soil for some bulbs I have, looking forward all the time, but I became really weak, obviously because I didn't eat, and now I am in tears, as I feel I have went back further than I have come.... Stress is an awful thing, if only I had a broken ankle or something, at least maybe I could relax when I sit down. I feel I always should be doing something,a nd the anxiety in the morning is still very bad.... but maybe tomorrow will be a better day.... xx

Fitzroy. Add eat lunch to your to do list every day, even I'd it's just a few crackers and cheese that you don't have to prepare. I feel worse if I don't eat, even with no appetite. Here's to tomorrow ladies and TPPC , just one more sleep!