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Original poster

Am I having a breakdown?

680 replies

Idontdeservethem · 16/01/2012 13:54

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
Ikeatears · 08/02/2012 21:51

Night all. Am having a good cry at One Born Every Minute but it's a bit of a release and they don't feel like self pity tears for once. Off to bed soon. Here's to a better day tomorrow. X

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 21:57

Ooh, I'd go and watch that too if I could get DH off his Dad's Army box set Grin

Have to be some pluses to having your DH away, hey Ikea !

Ikeatears · 08/02/2012 22:03

Nah, I usually make him watch it with me, just so I can laugh at him when he sniffs back tears an tells me it's a sudden cold developing haha. Although, there is usually a trade off so at least I've escaped an hour of Batman games on th playstation (or is it an Xbox ? I forget ) haha

JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 22:12

See, I knew there'd be something !

ThePinkPussycat · 08/02/2012 22:12

Night night all, every day I give thanks for Mumnet :)

Fitzroy · 09/02/2012 09:37

Thanks Ikea, I think I have went beyond moneysavingexpert, hopefully today will be a better day for all of us......Have to get blood tests today, was on HRT and it sent me bonkers, it contributed to this anxiety and depression, it just does not agree with me.....
Good luck with the job application Jws

Ikeatears · 09/02/2012 12:20

I need dh home. I am not feeling good at all today. Baby is due to wake up and I feel sick at the thought of the afternoon and evening stretching ahead. I just want to crawl back to bed. I want him home now.

Fitzroy · 09/02/2012 12:51

I have just been down at the dr's and it was full of children, so I can partly understand how you feel...... I am having an awful time with depressing thoughts, that I will never get better of this, and I try and think positive, but it is very hard to do, when you take aimless walks on your own, because everyone else, is at work...... pannicking...... Bring back the old me, I don't like this one....
Ikea at least DH will be at home with you

JugglingWithSnowballs · 09/02/2012 16:20

Not long now Ikea before your DH gets back home (Where he should be ?!)

  • I guess like my DH someone has to earn some pennies !

Sorry it's been a hard day for you. I guess you were expecting it might be, but that doesn't help much.

Sorry it's not been good for you either Fitzroy
I'm sure getting out for that walk is still a good idea, even if it does seem a bit aimless sometimes. Can be nice when the sun is shining. A bit cold today ?

Thanks for your good wishes re. the application. I've nearly got it done, just last few bits in the morning, and photocopy some certs, then due in at noon (Will take it round) I am a slight procrastinator - so a bit last minute !
Saw a good motto on "mantra" thread
"Done is better than perfect" which encouraged me, especially with the more boring bits !

Ikeatears · 09/02/2012 17:30

For goodness sake, I just had a huge rant about the car breaking down on the school run and walking home in tears and my mother doing random things with her money and the bloody page went off and lost it all! I haven't the energy to write it out again. Let's just say its been a challenging day and I will probably go to bed when the kids do!

Fitzroy · 09/02/2012 18:34

Sorry Ikea, I did the same thing, I was just typing a big long essay, about how awful a day I had yesterday, and I must have touched something, and off it went, and I couldn't be bothered typing it out again. Its just good getting it off your chest........

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 21:09

Yeah there have been a few exploding posts.

Juggling I nearly always had to hand deliver my applications. It often worked out that I had a very short cheery chat to someone there.

Ikea if you could be bothered or if it would help, I would be interested to hear of your mum's situation in a v general way. But obviously, if not, not iyswim. I have spent the day sorting out a problem with the divorce finances, so have my 'money head' on, so to speak.

seven days of marriage left Grin

Ikeatears · 09/02/2012 21:50

TPPC, she is in the early stages of early onset Alzheimer's and I have managed her bills and accounts etc for a couple of years. She only has a cash card where I transfer 'spending' money for her each week. She has taken to posting money to my sister but goodness knows who else. I got a letter from her today to say her usual Friday outing was going to be Saturday. Why she couldn't pick up the bloody phone I don't know! Also my sister informed me today that she told her she had won a watch and had only had to ring a phone number to claim it! Brilliant, probably spend £20 on a phone all for a 50p watch! I couldn't remember her password for the BT website so I'll have to wait for her bill. I know I don't sound sympathetic but she was always a pain even before her illness, she is incredibly selfish and always wants her own way. She drives me insane and I just don't have the energy for her at the moment. My sister helps but she has her own stuff going on too.

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 22:15

I think I may be able to help Ikea, I have had clients who were carers of people with quite advanced dimentia when I was with the CAB (home visits), have a friend whose mother has it, DMIL's M had it, and FIL had a version of it - more aphasia than dementia though, and loss of skills.

The people I know about range in age from mid-70's to over 80. I am in my late 50's, so have witnessed it several times at different stages in my life.

Could you give me a few very general details re your family - does your DM live alone, who else is there involved (you and your sister +anyone?care?etc and the rough ages of all involved. How near to each other everyone is? (And again, don't if you'd rather not.)

Is DH home yet? Has he had a good time? I myself have had a very interesting day, which began with going to brunch at a friend's house. :)

ThePinkPussycat · 09/02/2012 22:16

Or PM if you would rather, but I think it can be done without outing yourself?

Ikeatears · 09/02/2012 22:35

Glad you a had a good day, dh is home and I have cried most of the evening, maybe in relief!
My mother lives on her own. She is twice divorced and only has me and my family and my sister. She has a brother but they arent close. Shes only in her early 60s but has always been like a spoilt toddler. We do what we can because we should but we didn't really like he person she was before so it's hard to see past that and hard not be frustrated when she does silly things. She's reasonably self sufficient day to day but I can see that she is getting a bit worse. Can't handle it at the moment so dh has been dealing with anything pressing that has come up.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/02/2012 11:12

Thanks for your encouragement PPC - It all kept me going and I handed in my application just now. Fingers X for an interview.

At least DH is back now Ikea - it's so hard the way everyone expects mothers to just cope whatever life throws at them - and even on our own with no support. Sad It's not an easy job raising children ! Will be better now you can be a team again x

Fitzroy · 10/02/2012 11:35

Ikeatears, I do feel for you, a good friend of mine just had her second baby, whenever her mother took dementia, it was a terrible time for her, whilst she was trying to be a good mother, and really mourning for her own mother, who is only in her 50's. Her mum was eventually taken into a care home, and my friend said she has never seen her happier, because she is being properly cared for.... but that will probably be a long way off for your mum. My dad had it, but it came on suddenly with him, and was very distressing, he lived with us, and kept trying to get out of the house, he eventually had to be sectioned as he was becoming too violent, when we were trying to deal with him. PPC keep up the good work, you are a great advisor to everyone..... I had an awful row with my sister last night about debts, she went to bed and I went out for a drive, came back and fell asleep, feel as if I am back to the start of all this depression and anxiety..... going for lunch tomorrow, and just hope I don't burst out crying.... so nauseous again....

Fitzroy · 10/02/2012 17:28

Just had a phone call from advice centre re my debts, they are all around 10 years old now, and have been sold on to debt collectors..... scum of the earth, you have no idea what they have threatened me with. Charges on property etc etc.... credit card debts are not secured on property, and I did not have any property when I took them out. I feel awful, just want to go and disappear somewhere.... Head very dizzy and I am so so tired of it all.... just take my roof and let me out..... sorry for going on.

Ikeatears · 10/02/2012 18:00

Fitzroy rant away. Sometimes just writing everything makes it a bit better I find. ((hugs))

Fitzroy · 10/02/2012 20:18

thanks everyone, here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.....x

ThePinkPussycat · 11/02/2012 03:28

It's the weekend Fitzroy so I think you can relax a little over these days. How are they communicating with you? by letter? I believe it may be illegal to harrass people for money, keep good notes if they contact you by phone. You may well be able to negotiate with these people, but not till you've had further advice. I wonder which Board would get you the best advice...Legal? Money?

Ikea I have some general thoughts on dementia, one name for it used to be 'second childhood'. The world has changed in many ways since your mother and I were young. In our young days (I am 59) the phone was not nearly so much taken for granted. It cost quite a lot, and the pips went every 3 minutes to remind you that it was costing you. Letters were the cheapest way of communicating, and there were at least 2 deliveries a day. People used cash - the credit card was unheard of. If your mother has lost some of her map of the world, she may be relying on an out of date one from her youth. Just a hypothesis, though.

ThePinkPussycat · 11/02/2012 03:29

We did have cheques though, we're not that old Grin

Fitzroy · 11/02/2012 11:45

They are with a debt managment company, since 2006, and every so often they threaten me with court, and with the way I am at the moment, they pannick me... I have been trying to get them to write them off as they are so old...... sick with worry.... going for lunch.....

Fitzroy · 12/02/2012 12:15

Is everyone ok, I am having a s**t morning, lunch went fine yesterday, and I am lucky to have such good friends, but all these horrible terrifying thoughts.... I was awake at 5, because of a mad kitten flying round my room, but she did make me laugh... and I suppose as long as we can raise a smile we are not that bad..... Hope everyone is ok hugs