Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Well done to both of you for good days so far. Hope this evening is OK. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I get the DCs into bed, and can have a few minutes to myself, maybe watching some rubbish something relaxing on TV !
And maybe open the wine

Brain boggle here! Figures going round in my head.

So glad the counselling went well Fitzroy. OH has just reminded me that the electicity will be off all day tomorrow so I will have to sent good thought waves then instead of words...

Will be thinking of you PPC, and I think I will open the wine as well JWS, the counselling is hard work. He told me I was far too hard on myself, and to give myself time.....to heal..... but all I can think is when will I be better, just give me a time..... which is stupid I suppose...... Ikea... can you not have a wee glass of wine tonight, and watch some rubbish tv......

No wine for me, have realised alcohol makes me feel much worse at the moment. Kids getting ready for bed and baby will be tucked up soon so I'll try to relax. Counsellor phoned and arranged first session for 9.30 on Monday. I actually quite like the idea of over the phone, I don't feel as anxious about it and dh would tell you I never have a problem talking on the phone! We'll see. Well dh is now in London but I've spoken to him a couple of times. I'm telling myself I only feel bad because I have a cold, thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot.

Nearly there then Ikea as far as tonight goes

I recommend the Alex Parizzi (sp?) programme, I love seeing her sorting people out ;) 8pm tonight

Having a very bad morning, anyone out there.....

Electric still on, hi fitz is it after-effects of counselling do you think?

I think i drank too much wine,and then woke up very early and was freezing.... no more wine. Plus the counselling opened a lot of issues for me around the bullying I had in work, for six years... Then I am afraid that I will lose my house, as I owe so much money, and the boiler has broken, and credit card bills etc..... I wish I could win some money from somewhere, but I am not saying that would take away all this anxiety....... But I will get out of this somehow..... I have family and friends, and at the moment a roof over my head.... How are you doing PPC, any further on with the divorce....

It sounds like you have very genuine reasons for feeling down. Have you seen the CAB or someone re the debts? I used to be a CAB worker btw.

That's shit about the boiler, how are you keeping warm?

Sorry questions are maybe not what you need, so [hug] and (I'm having tea)

Sorry I mentioned the wine Fitzroy - I know it doesn't always help (and I've heard it's actually a depressant so possibly not a great idea)

Sorry too that you've got so much going on. I hope you can make some progress on some of those things, and get support about them too. Hope you can get the boiler fixed soon - that's a real bummer !

I'm a bit stressed about finances too - I need a job to help us out/ keep us vaguely afloat. But at least I've found one to apply for - application due in on Friday so I'll be filling that in tomorrow - have been working on responses today.
Wish me luck ! Also our car is at the garage today being fixed - hope I get it back soon !

The wine is nice to relax and forget, I suppose. I went out and sold some of my jewellery, will pay credit card for a month anyway. Yes I sought help with Payplan, but they have me on a debt management plan, that will be still going when I am off this planet the year 2026..... I am so so pannicking, my welfare branch phoned today, to ask how I was, so they will phone again in 6 weeks time, hopefully and I have fingers and toes crossed that I will be back, because all I seem to do, is walk aimlessly around feeling ill.... Out for lunch with friends this Saturday, so sort of looking forward to that. I am asked for a grant from the CSBF, my work fund, to get a new boiler....so hopefully. The house is just a millstone around our necks, but we do earn enough, but things have rocketed in price, and before Christmas we went a bit mad on a credit card.....feel sick at the thought of it. Good for you applying for a job, I have lost my confidence that I can do anything... I am so full of self pity, when there are plenty of people out there, with not even a roof over their heads.... Life sucks at the moment......hugs, and a cup of tea

It's good that from your post I can see that part of you does remember that we are fortunate to have a roof over our heads - even on days when the boiler has packed up ! Sometimes I remember that all of us in the west (just about) are quite fortunate - with clean water on tap and enough to eat, as well as the shelter you were talking about. Lots of other good things on top of those important basics too, when you stop for a moment to think about it.
There are a lot of worries though in life too, aren't there ?
I think it's best to try not to worry too much. I feel there's something in that as a philosophy, although not easy to put into practice. I've heard depression can be a defense against anxiety though. So, perhaps if we could find better ways to manage our anxieties and worries we might rise above the feelings of depression too ? I think young children and babies can induce a huge feeling of responsibility and underlying feelings of anxiety.

Glad you're looking forward to Saturday, Fitzroy - I'm going on a trip with dd on Saturday so am looking forward to that too.

How's it going today, Ikea ? Are you OK ? DH back tomorrow !

Fitzroy it's a drag being in debt for so long, but that way you won't be paying more than you can afford (in theory). I take it they've had a go at getting some written off, and have got interest frozen - that's what we would have done, but I am talking over 10 years ago so things may have got less flexible since then

When we were on Income Support 20 years ago I put aside 30 minutes a day for proper, thorough worrying - really thinking about the worst that could happen, and then stopping. At the time there were a lot of programmes on TV about people who had bought run down chateaux in France and then got into difficulties - nasty person that I am, they used to cheer me up!

Eight days till divorced. We'll still be living in the same house with ongoing financial wrangling though

Thanks for that PPC

Are you having a divorce party ?!

How are you feeling about things ?

Ikea - This is, above all, your thread - How's it going ? (if you have a minute !)

Hi. Tough day. Feel rotten with a cold but had work to distract me this morning then busy with kids and friend for tea then more work talk. I finding when I have a distraction like work I am almost getting lost in it if that makes sense. I hear myself talk and talk and talk then when it's over I am exhausted by it and I slump. I don't really know if I'm making sense. Someone higher on the thread mentioned manic depression/bi polar and I am worrying and googling ( I know I know) because I do feel like I am 'speeding up' if that makes sense. I find myself wondering after I have spoken eg. To my friend tonight, I was like all my thoughts and words and ideas were all tumbling out at once and I couldn't stop, almost like a stream of consciousness, she didn't seem unnerved by it but afterwards I thought "wow, I never paused for breath." I feel like some of my earlier posts read a bit like that too.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just worry how I switch from one extreme to the other but with bipolar I always thought you had long periods of one or the other but I read now that that isn't always the case. When i hunk back I have always(since I was a child) had periods of 'unreality' where everything felt 'faster' somehow but they normally only last minutes or an hour at most.
I am exhausted now. Baby is in bed. The other two are in pjs and watching tv quietly and I just want to relax. I could really have a good cry but I'm frightened today that if I start I won't stop.
I am reading all about you all and I'm sorry if I dont ways acknowledge what you are going through.
Fitzroy sorry your day hasnt been good, you sound like you have lots on your plate but keep lOoking forward to Saturday.
Juggling good luck with the job application, can you say what it is for?
TPPC can't imagine the stress of divorce and having to live together mus be so hard, it happened to my neighbour and I know they really went through it.
Please do Keep using this thread, it's good that we can all support each other, sorry I'm not much good at that side of things at the moment but I promise I always read all your posts and when I feel more myself I will try to be more supportive of all of you as you have been for me.

Think not hunk by the way

Ikea in theory I have a diagnosis of bipolar but don't have manic periods as such, except 4 times when I overdid it on dope. I do think I have Aspergers and ADD, I go into overdrive when deadlines call, am good at exams because of this. Tried lamotragine last year, a med for bipolar which is supposed to be good for the intractable depression of bipolar, and it just made me worse. Minimal dose of paroxatine (plus divorce!) has seen my depression practically disappear, although I am stressed. Psychiatrist was going to refer me for assessment, I saw him last week and the referral had got lost, rather than re-refer we have stuck with underlying bipolar with AS and ADD traits, as this is more help in my divorce case. I am now discharged to GP.

So it's hard to tell, I don't believe in labels except as shorthand for symptom clusters, in hospital if I had said 'yes' when asked if I heard voices, I'm pretty sure they would have diagnosed schizophrenia

Yes bipolar mood swings can vary quite quickly in some people, and last for different lengths of time. Some people feel normal mostly, others go from low to high and back. Stress can also have quite an effect.

I think until you deal with all the shit from your childhood, you won't know what you are like 'normally' iyswim.

Thanks TPPC. I am also better with deadlines and exams. I have never been able to start assignments early, I can't get motivated, I always wait until the last minute then I am quite capable of staying up all night to finish something in time, with a side rush of last minute focus and determination. I think you are right though, I need to see what still needs to be worked Out from the ast before I can think too much about anything else.

thank you all, ppc, yes my debts are old, and the debt management company are rubbish. I am trying out tonight to write to one creditor at a time, and get them to write them off, citing the state that I am in - I just am panic striken at the moment. Had to sell some jewellery today to pay a debt. Can't go on like this, it will have to be sorted. Ikea, you are doing great, I would be like you, not able to start assignments and then stay up late finishing them, and sometimes I think I just talk talk talk, and other times when I am stressed, I can hardly speak. Don't like to upset my sister as she seems to not be able to cope with me. But at least we all know that we are here for each other. I thank God and anyone else, that I have suffered any serious physical illnesses, but I am afraid what damage all this is doing to my body, as I just feel so heavy and lifeless, and I can't even watch CSI, or the Law and Order series that I loved, can bear to hear some radio, don't know why, I used to love Steve Wright in the afternoon.... hopefully we will all get through this......

Sorry you had a tough day Ikea

But hey ! You got through it !

Fitzroy, you are doing the right things, you are addressing the debt and talking to creditors. Keep going, one thing at a time. Do you ever use the money saving expert site? Some good hints and tips on there and letter templates etc.

Job application is to work in a playgroup with young children - the sort of job I think would suit me best for the next few years while my two are teenagers (well DD1 will be one in April !)

Thanks juggling, 'tis true and dh is home tomorrow.

Yey ! Well done to you !
Good night x