Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Oh Viking, I just can't do it. It's too hard. I know how pathetic I sound.

Just keep going. I'm sure you will be glad you did one day. Does looking back from the future give you any sort of different perspective? Things change all the time, especially with children and babies.

I think I quite fancy being a granny one day ! Look after them for a bit and get to know them as little people, but then you can give them back to their parents !

X Post - responding to your earlier post. I'm really sorry you're finding things so hard. Please make sure you get as much support as you can. Tell your DH how you're feeling for a start. And anyone else who can help x

DH knows and he is at home today. He is away the rest of the week and the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I can't do this. I just can't.

Does he absolutely have to go away this week ?

Can someone else spend some time with you and give you some support while he's away?
( Like a friend or someone in your family)

Glad he's with you just now.

My DH was recently away for 2 weeks as you know, so I do feel for you x

Ikea can you say what it is that you are dreading? Please hang on in there, can't do much except send you warm thoughts. I check regularly, I will always answer as soon as I see a post from you.

Ikea, hang on in there, we are here. I have so many wobbles, I have a great debt problem, and I am borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.... my head is away with it. Went for a walk, felt calmer.

Are you just not coping Ikea, are you just pannicking about things, and what are those things. You are a very capable woman with a husband, that is probably terrified, because he can't understand what is happening. It is the fear of the fear itself, that is pannicking you, and I know only too well, I have it time and time again, about coping, fears that I will do away with myself, I will go mad. And I have been reassured that it is anxiety, and the fear of fear itself, that pannicks u. If you could only get your DH to try and give you his view on how you are coping, as he probably thinks you are wonderful, it is yourself that thinks you are lousy..... Is there no-one out there that could give you a break, a mothers group or something, I nearly ended up in the church last week...... We are here, and I check like PPC, and juggling.... please keep posting....

Itching = nothing by the way in case anyone was wondering.

Can't sleep. Anyone out there?

Still no sleep. Feel sick. So tired. Baby will be up in a couple of hours. Just want to sleep and sleep and sleep

Sorry to see you had such a difficult night Ikea

Babies are such hard work. But they do gradually grow up.

Hope today is a bit better. Anything particular happening today ?

Morning, Ikea so sorry you couldn't sleep, hoping maybe you are now? My sleep pattern has got a bit more normal.

Do you want to dump a few of your thoughts here?

Morning Ikea, I think you should up your ad dose, as I am now getting a better nights sleep, but I have still the awful mornings. I just want to pull the covers over my head, and forget about it all, but I drag myself out of bed.... I am so worried about not getting better, it is very slow progress, one day forward and sometimes two back.... I really do think your DH could perhaps arrange help for you, there must be some help out there. Community groups etc.... Keep posting...

Morning everyone. Finally got a bit of sleep. Woken up with a sore throat and blocked nose just to to add to everything. Things don't actually seem quite as black this morning but still not as good as I have been some days. Dh has to go away, he has no choice if we want to keep paying the bills. He will be back thursday night. I will just have to take each day as it comes. I have a meeting in the morning and a friend is coming for tea and to go through some work tomorrow and these things actually help. So just today (and he isn't going until after lunch) and Thursday but at least he'll b on his way home them. I know I too reliant on him and the moment. He rightly pointed out that he can't be here every minute of every day. He has to work. I see he doctor again a week on Friday, I cancelled tomorrows appointment as I have this meeting ( which I have cancelled once already due to all this) and also, I really want dh with me when I go.
I actually thought I was losing my mind yesterday. I fell asleep in the morning and my dreams were all about getting out of bed and going downstairs and the carpets were all weird colours and there were strangers in my house etc. I would then wake up, realise it was a dream, go back to sleep and it would start again. I didn't know I was dreaming and remember thinking "this is what madness feels like."
Also when I got up, I sat in the kitchen with dh, staring into space. He asked what I was thinking about and I realised that for about 2 hours all that had been going round and round in my head was the Something Special theme tune! Maybe I am mad. I don't know. It all sounds crazy now I've written it down.

Quick reply. If you were sickening for a cold then you will have felt worse, poor you, on top of everything Does the Something Special theme tune have words (am not familiar with it?) I get songs on the brain, usually there is a relevant line in them, but maybe that's just me.

No, you are not mad Ikea. If you are mad then I am too..... The dreams like that I got when I was on the 15 of the ad, but on the 45, I have got better sleep, and although I keep pannicking in case I dont get better, and lose my job, I know I am coming on a bit, very slowly..... I am off to the counsellor at 1.30 pm, so I hope he doesn't go on about my past, as to me I don't know any other way i could have dealt with things, but if it helps I will go with it.... Do you feel unreal at times, that is most upsetting and annoying me considerably, but it is the brains way of protecting you. I have found some good websites and some that would frighten the wits out of you...... You are not mad, and neither am I. I don't think mad people know they are mad.....

TPPC it was "please tell me, please tell me, please tell
Me your name." not the theme tune I don't think,but was on the show. no relevance I can think of.
The dreams have been good up until yesterday, I do get dreams like this anyway occasionally but because of how I feel, I really thought I'd lost the plot.
I am frightened that I will never get out of this hole.

We all will get through it, you can tell I feel better at the moment..... but the support you get on this forum is great.....I write positive things down, and I am trying, and I repeat trying to go to them, when I feel down. But I hope once these ad kick in probably, I really want to know why I have been feeling so awful, and full of anxiety.... Watch some of the daytime tv, it takes sometimes my panic away.... and it is something else to concentrate on, chewing gum for the brain was the way someone put it to me.....

Actually, a bit of good news in the last hour. Used Dhs work benefits to access a counsellor, I will be having phone sessions starting this week so at least that is something positive.

Oh good, I was wondering what was happening about the couselling.

I get the lurid dreams, but only when I have forgotten to take my ads, which I do because of feeling well :)

Remember to tell your GP all your symptoms/side effects when you next go, so they can evaluate properly.

Your song sounds like a request for information from you to the universe?

Dh gone til Thursday, had a little cry but got to get on now. Kids won't look after themselves. Deep breath and carry on.

I'll be around, am doing excel atm. Luckily I like doing excel.

We're all with you Ikea

And it is only til Thursday.

So, don't count today as you've seen him this morning, and don't count Thursday as he'll be on his way home, can look forward to that, and you'll see him in the evening.

So, really, it's only Wednesday. What can you do on Wednesday to make things go quicker/ seem easier. Can you spend some time with other people who could be supportive ? Or just come on here and we'll all give you a virtual (( Ikea ))
and hold your hand !

I have to think like this when DH is away. Except with me he was away (in India) for 2 bloody weeks ! ( First half week didn't count in my head because he'd just gone away, last half week didn't count because we could look forward to him coming home. So it was just the tricky middle week to deal with ! )

Good luck Ikea Hope it flies by !

Thank you everyone. Tomorrow I have a couple of things I need to do for work. Got a meeting and a friend coming round for tea to discuss something work related. Thank god he didn't have to go yesterday, I'm not sure I could have done it. I just hope I stay on an even keel like today until he gets back.

Just back from my second counselling section, and I am feeling a bit better than I did. So go for it Ikea, we are all behind you, and it will be no time at all until DH is bad.....

What is it David Cameron said "We are all in this together"...... well he thinks he is with us.....