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Original poster

Am I having a breakdown?

680 replies

Idontdeservethem · 16/01/2012 13:54

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
JugglingWithSnowballs · 01/02/2012 16:38

Oh Ikea I hate it when the DCs are ill, especially when they were little. And my DH has just been away for 2 weeks (in India) with work. I find that a real challenge. He got back yesterday and I've had quite a lazy day today - I think the effort of the last 2 weeks has left me a bit exhausted. Hopefully will feel better in a few days once things settle back to normal.

So, huge sympathy to you ... as mothers we're just expected to cope aren't we ?
Even when the challenges/stresses change (eg DCs get ill) or the resources change (eg DH away)
We're still expected to manage it all Smile
( And even when we're not well/ coping with depression )
I'm sure we'd all be well much sooner without the never ending responsibilities !

Fitzroy · 01/02/2012 21:51

Went out tonight with a friend, but boy do I feel sick, I don't know whether its the ad's the hormones or the anxiety.......

Nighty nighty

Ikeatears · 01/02/2012 22:13

Am struggling today. Don't feel like even talking. Feel useless and pathetic. Feel so sad and can't even say why. I am so sick of this now. My stomach is constantly churning and I feel like someone is sat on my chest. I have a lovely life- what is wrong with me? I should be able to pull myself together. Shit. I feel like I'm sinking again. I thought things were getting better.

ThePinkPussycat · 01/02/2012 22:53

Erm no, if this were just life being a bit full on, then maybe it might be true that you should 'pull yourself together'. It isn't. You are again hoping to be free in one bound. It isn't like that, You go forward a bit, you slip back a bit, you go forward a bit more, and a bit more, you slip back a bit, you go forward. It is such a shame about the counselling, because you still have all that unresolved stuff moiling about, and you did have a plan for dealing with it, but had a set back. But you will get there. It won't be tomorrow, but you will get better. Remember you haven't even gone 3 weeks on the meds yet. You are a very proactive person, at the moment you have to be pro-active by not being proactive, and going with the flow. Smell these: Thanks Wink

Fitzroy · 02/02/2012 09:58

thank goodness I logged on this morning, I am struggling big time today.... I think and hope PPC is right about going backwards and forwards, I feel drugged to the eyeballs, but yet I can't rest... for wanting to be better.... My stomach is churning away, and I can't stand the feeling of sickness, so I make myself be sick, which doesn't help when you haven't eaten anything. Back to the dr's this afternoon, I hope she can help me, as I feel time is getting on, and I am fed up going for walks, trying to keep positive, as I have very few results of feeling anyway normal.... But anyway Ikea, I am with you today, and I know we will get through it, don't we.... I just feel like screaming very loudly.....

ThePinkPussycat · 02/02/2012 10:09

Fitzroy so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Please try and eat something, just a Weetabix perhaps. Is there somewhere you can go where you can scream very loudly? Do tell the dr everything, do you have a good dr you feel you can trust?

where do you walk, do you live somewhere nice?
hugs to both x

JugglingWithSnowballs · 02/02/2012 10:10

Hi Ikea and Fitzroy - thinking of you both today and hoping you have better days - nice and bright here, if chilly, perhaps getting out for a walk at some point is an idea ? At least it seems the lovely things in your life (like your DCs ?) bring you some comfort and joy Ikea - else you wouldn't be mentioning them ?
I love seeing the DCs do something special or funny - but the feeling can seem quite fleeting - do you find this too ?

Ikeatears · 02/02/2012 11:44

Not good. Can't seem to pull myself out of this. Baby has slept all morning but I have done nothing. Still not dressed. Got lots to do but can't face anything. Whit a rubbish sleep last night, very restless and kept waking up on and off. Wish dh wasn't at work.
My children, yes they do add to the stress but you are right, juggling, they also pick you up at times. Last night, ds2 drew me a lovely picture and ds3 was full of cuddles and kisses. I suspect that ds1 has an idea that I am not myself and he has been much more affectionate and considerate than usual. I worry about him because he is sensitive but keeps his thoughts to himself. I love them so much and I don't want them to grow up to have bad memories of mummy being sad and bad tempered. Am I failing them? I feel like I am.

ThePinkPussycat · 02/02/2012 12:46

Honestly Ikea it is better to tell them you are a bit sad atm than for them to grow up thinking depression is something to be ashamed of and to hide.

Am not depressed but just can't seem to get started (one reason why I think I have ADHD).

Fitzroy · 02/02/2012 13:10

thanks PPC and Juggling, I do have places to walk, I live near parks and a lovely river, but it all is seems a bit pointless sometimes,whenever i feel so heavy and anxious..... I have a new kitten, which is lively at times and very entertaining.... I think I am just frightened that I will never shake this off.
Ikea, tell your children that you are not feeling good, and they will always love you... and DS always love their mums, and protect them, do they not....Off to the dr's at 4.20 pm

JugglingWithSnowballs · 02/02/2012 13:21

Ooh, I think I may well have ADD tendencies PPC - not so much the H - like you I just can't seem to get started - all seems a bit overwhelming.

Possibly have long standing sub-threshold depression too (a term I saw in one of the links on this thread )

Good to hear the things that pick you up a little Ikea and Fitzroy Smile

Perhaps if you remember you have an illness Ikea it might help you to not feel guilty. You can only do what you can, and you don't have to be perfect. HTH

ThePinkPussycat · 02/02/2012 13:28

yes, should have ADD. After all these years (and with a diagnosis of bi-polar to boot) I think the low level depression I've felt is 'just' frustration at having no motivation and being unable to get started. If I can get started, there's no stopping me.

ooh a kitten, Fitzroy :) I have an elderly cat, she has often been a comfort.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 02/02/2012 13:45

I think it's easy too to feel guilty if we find it hard to get as much "done" as some people just seem to take in their stride. ( I think the finding it hard to choose and get started can be an ADD thing)

There's definitely a negative cycle going on of not having energy to do things - feeling guilty at "laziness" - feeling more depressed - less able to get things done

cpjoli · 02/02/2012 19:13

I feel like this at the moment. I have an amazing counsellor who gives me hope at times.
She said to me in am email yesterday "make tomorrow a good day". Do you know what? I did. For her. For making myself go forward. I had sunk back to self harming, drinking, taking mini overdoses. But those words really struck me last night. I won't say it has been amazing, it has been just as hard but I kept thinking " today is a good day" and I am now feeling okish.
So just try to think " make tomorrow a good day".

JugglingWithSnowballs · 02/02/2012 19:48

Well done cp - that's very impressive.

Keep thinking "today is a good day" - count some blessings if you're into that language, realise it's OK the way it is, be kind to yourself, be a bit thankful, notice the nice moments.

Some combination of all that ... and maybe when you look back on it - it really was quite a good day !

Here's to tomorrow Smile
And one day at a time x

kizzie · 02/02/2012 19:59

Hi - sorry I havent read your full thread but just noticed that you are in the first few weeks of taking ADs and just wanted to say that in my experience of taking them it can take quite a while for them to kick in properly. Before that Ive had a real mix of horrible side effects and no reduction in symptoms.
Hope they kick in soon for you and things get easier x

Fitzroy · 02/02/2012 20:03

PPC yes we have three cats, two we got a few years ago, and then little Hollie needed a home. They can be funny at times, but I used to always have dogs, and got out and about a lot, but since my mum died, there is no-one to look after them when I work, so I decided I have to have something to look after, so hence Hollie, Eddie & Daisy. We have always had animals and I find they don't judge you, or make you feel as if you mean nothing to anyone. (Even though most of the time they are only after a cuddle or food). Went to docs, and she put me on the higher dose of Mirtapazine 45 didn't want it, but will try it for a few weeks. Funnily enough I had quite a good day today, but the mornings are horrible...... Ikea, give yourself a wee treat, and stop feeling guilty about everything, as far as any hard working mother I know, you all feel guilty all the time. Stop comparing yourself to all these so called wonderful mothers, you don't know what is going on in their heads..... hugs

Fitzroy · 03/02/2012 19:38

Are you all ok????

VikingVagine · 03/02/2012 20:43

Bump, what Fitzroy said.

Ikeatears · 04/02/2012 10:11

Sorry not been back. Very up and down. Mornings are awful at the moment. Will not be on today but will be back soon. Take care everyone.

ThePinkPussycat · 04/02/2012 11:57

Having a bit of a wobble myself, all my friends are being so 'balanced' re my divorce and I don't feel validated. Without MN I don't know what I would do!

Fitzroy · 04/02/2012 13:06

I had a wobble yesterday, met one of colleagues, and she was dressed lovely, and the picture of health with three children in toe, and I did exactly what I said not to do, compared myself to her, and went home and cried my eyes out....... whoops....

Just thinking of you all cyber hugs.....

JugglingWithSnowballs · 05/02/2012 12:55

Sometimes I think if I'm allowed to keep them, with no support or interest from social services, then maybe I'm doing OK ! Take it easy Fitzroy
I'm sure you're doing OK
And that's "good enough"

(And even if anyone out there is having support from social services - well, that's what they're there for. None of us could raise our DCs on our own I'd think (with no support from anyone)
Smile)

Ikeatears · 06/02/2012 16:25

Awful couple of days. Feel like I'm back to square one. Feel like giving up.

VikingVagine · 06/02/2012 16:31

Please don't give up, we're all still here, not much we can do but listen and respond but that's better than. Itching right? The weather really isn't helping anyone I don't think, roll on spring.