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Original poster

Am I having a breakdown?

680 replies

Idontdeservethem · 16/01/2012 13:54

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
Ikeatears · 30/01/2012 21:10

Thanks TPPC

helpyourself · 31/01/2012 09:25

You have acute symptoms- insomnia, anxiety, disassociation. Some of them are due to your current situation- new baby, some of them are chemical and some are due to your past.

CBT could give you some tools to deal with the symptoms and how they are affecting you now, but you want need deserve a longer term 'cure'.

BUPA and GP sounds like the way forward.

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 09:36

Hi helpyourself. I understand what you are saying but I honestly don't think that having the baby has any bearing, the chemical side is being addressed by the ads and, as you say, I want a longer term solution. I am not prepared to take the quick fix. I have done this every other time. I have always thought, "oh, I'm better now, i'll forget it and move on" I want to find out what is making this reoccur, I think it is issues from my past but I am not sure and I want to know. I think I was so upset because I don't feel she listened to me, or even really gave me the opportunity to really speak.

JugglingWithSnowballs · 31/01/2012 09:48

I think you need to talk with someone in RL too about how disappointed and upset you were by your initial counseling session (assessment)

Could you get an appointment with your doctor ?

  • I think you said you couldn't get one until your ADs had run out ? But that seems wrong to me. If you need to see your GP then surely you can !
helpyourself · 31/01/2012 09:50

I'm sure you're right about the baby's effect- I meant that you have more to be sleepless and anxious about that say someone with an identical life, but no DCs.

As I said earlier, I could have written many of your posts, word for word, over the years, but never got help. In my case burying those feelings and not getting help for the chemical side of anxiety/ depression resulted in it all 'coming out sideways' ten years on (alcoholism), so I think you're really right to not grab the quick fix and press on for a sustained and supported solution via therapeutic counselling and antidepressants.

That's not to dismiss things that you can do for yourself today. Try and get some fresh air, eat well and prioritise sleep!

helpyourself · 31/01/2012 09:51

x posted with Juggling, OP's DH was going to chase GP and that is definitely a positive thing to get done today, along with the BUPA referral.

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 10:02

Thanks everyone. Gp appointment is only next Wednesday and ads run out Sunday but DH has asked about an emergency prescription, he has to ring back at 1.

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 10:07

Sorry, meant to say, going to ring each morning in the meantime to try for a cancellation

Fitzroy · 31/01/2012 10:27

Hi Ikea, feeling really awful this morning, it seems to be one step forward and then two back, going for the counselling this afternoon. Don't know whether to go out for a walk or not, as I felt worse when I came back yesterday. Reading through other threads, and I think that mine is a really big overdose of HRT that the consultant gave me, so I hope the counsellor understands....Feel ill already... Glad to hear you have a plan to get better treatment, and the DH is such a gem.... I have my sister but she has neither patience or the time to sit and listen to my every moan and groan..... Keep posting, and I am weeping with you this morning, no point in putting on makup....xx

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 10:44

Fitzroy, sorry you are feeling bad today. I hope the you have a better time than I did with the counsellor, I'm sure you will. Find something to keep you occupied until then. I have found setting myself small goals helps. Give yourself two things you have to do today and make sure you achieve them. Sending positive thoughts your way ( see! Told you I don't need CBT-I can be positive haha)

ThePinkPussycat · 31/01/2012 12:40

Just to say, have been reading the Stately Homes thread (btw it's quite short atm as the old one filled up) and a few people are saying that having a child yourself makes stuff resurface, as you find yourself comparing (even if you may not be aware of it) and hoping you will be breaking the pattern you were raised with.

Fingers crossed for Fitzoy. x to both

Fitzroy · 31/01/2012 13:06

Thanks Ikea and PPC, I have been to the chiropractor this morning for a sore knee, and took a walk around the block......I do find the forums very useful, but sometimes they frighten me, I suppose I shouldn't read so many..... My problem is how long before all these false hormones actually leave my body, and then I can get back to dealing with my problems. But I have googled and yahoo'd and everything, but can't seem to get an answer. Well I am off to the counsellor soon, fingers crossed.... cyber hugs

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 13:36

Good luck fitzroy.
Well, the receptionist from the doctor's phoned and said the doctor wanted to know why there was also a script for citalopram (did the other doctor not put it in my notes?) so I explained what had happened and she said she will speak to the doctor and I need to phone back after 5 to see if the script is ready.

Fitzroy · 31/01/2012 16:46

Back from the counsellor, very interesting going back in my life, so he is very easy to talk to, and has told me that I need to give myself permission to get well again. I am too impatient with myself. Only 5 treatments left though, no funding..... Wish these ad would kick in. I have been on 30 mg for 13 days......
Wish I could get a restful nights sleep though.....onwards and upwards, he assures me I will be running marathons when he has finished with me.... There is a lot to be dealt with. Ikea that is the kind of therapist you need, that will go back in your life with you, but not concentrating on it too much, to upset and bring back the horrible feelings..... Hugs x

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 17:56

Really glad you had a better experience fitzroy. Just a thought, apparently, with mirtazipine, the larger the dose, the less of a sedative effect. I am on 15mg and it really made a difference to my sleep but also to the quality of my sleep and I'm having some amazing dreams!

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 17:57

Oh forgot to say my prescription is ready so panic over on that front.

Fitzroy · 31/01/2012 19:53

Hi Ikea Thanks for telling me that, because you are meant to take them at 7 pm, but if I took them I would be asleep at 8, but it makes sense then, why, when I was put onto the 30, I am awake earlier, I take it about 10 or so... Going to dr's on Thursday, so will say to her.... very interesting.

Fitzroy · 31/01/2012 19:55

by the way, it was the same with me, with the dreams, were very vivid, but not frightening, but I don't seem to have them with the 30. Maybe dr will lower my dose again...

Ikeatears · 31/01/2012 19:57

Worth a try, how long were you on 15mg for?

Fitzroy · 01/02/2012 10:15

About 4 weeks PPC, but I am still waking at 4 o'clock in the morning, and the nausea is terrible, but I had that before anyway... It was all those hormones they gave me over the last six months, I gradually felt sicker and sicker, and then the anxiety and depression took over.... Up early this morning, changed bed linen, and just have to keep going, it is not going to be an overnight success for counselling me thinks, going to be long and drawn out. Such a disappointment in the mornings when you wake and it dawns on you that you are still no better......

ThePinkPussycat · 01/02/2012 10:28

Morning all. Fitzroy that sounds awful, how bloody long does it take the hormones to clear?

Fitzroy · 01/02/2012 11:36

Exactly what I would like to know, and I can''t find an answer, have searched the web for a couple of weeks now....

VikingVagine · 01/02/2012 14:14

I can't believe just how crap the NHS sounds, I live in France, and if you're not well, you get seen to straight away, even if you're not suicidal. Hang in there, you sound like you're doing well, I think many people would have completely given up by now!

Ikeatears · 01/02/2012 15:04

Having a bad day today. Baby not too well and I don't seem to be able to handle anything remotely stressful at the moment. I just want dh to come home and take over but I know he can't. Also he is away for 2 nights next week and I know that is playing on my mind. I am used to it, he goes every month for work but the thought of it just now makes me fel sick. I know I am leaning heavily on him and I am normally the opposite but i can't seem to help it.

Fitzroy · 01/02/2012 15:33

I know Ikea, I would be exactly the same as you, if I ws in your situation.... The counsellor yesterday did say to me that I had good Catholic guilt on my shoulders, because I expected too much of myself.... lean on your husband, I am leaning on anybody I can..... If I thought it would help you, I would refer you to the website that is for people here in Northern Ireland, but was suggested to me.... It is basically how to cope with things, and how your brain works, if you lose your support mechanism..... see what you think www.widercircle.com I am reading and trying to understand the The Sky Before the Storm, he suggested I have a look at it.... It might be too much for you at the moment, but I felt a bit more secure about my situation, as I have lost my support, and drove myself into a very lonely space, all because of 3 horrible managers, who told me I was worthless and who did I think I was, wanting further education, they used tight control, because they were horrible nasty people, and I would never wish that type of bullying on anyone.... God of I go again....I am meant to let go of all that, because unless I take a grievance against them, my work will do nothing.

If I lived near you I would come round and give you a hand.... as I am sure a lot of people would. Keep posting and you will have calm moments where you can see that you will be able to cope, I have just had one this afternoon, which was great, but it does help to keep glancing at the future when this will have all gone away.....Hugs x