Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

good luck, my counselling starts tomorrow, dreading it in some ways and other ways I am looking forward to some way out of this....
Are you still very nauseous, especially in the mornings????? and no apetite all day, don't feel like eating at all....

I had more nausea in the first couple of days but I found the spaced out feeling and slurring much worse. My appetite has returned mostly but I had over a week when I barely ate at all. How long have you been taking them now. I am now on day 9. I think my nausea was more linked to my anxiety to be honest and it does return when I am feeling like that. I am more scared that counselling is going to make me feel even worse by dragging everything up. Is your counselling through the NHS?

Ikea hope the counselling goes well today.
And Fitzroy hope it goes well tomorrow...

Feeling crap with a nasty cold, good thing germs are not transmissable thro' MNing!

Hi TPPC, how's the sleep pattern? I actually a good a sleep last night!

Taking me a long time to get to sleep, partly cos I don't seem to able to finish the 'marriage accounts' cos brain not working with this cold, so unfinished business stopping me sleeping. But am getting enough sleep, as I am topping up with naps.

Well, the panic seems to be setting in again. I am starting to really feel stressed about this counselling. I've had no tears since Saturday but I can feel them starting again. Can I do this? Can I sit with a total stranger and tell them my deepest, darkest thoughts? I don't know. I think I might clam up. I'm going to get the baby up and make his lunch to keep busy for an hour.

What time is your appointment? I'll be thinking of you or I may be asleep

You are just experiencing fear of the unknown. The reality will be much better. You are not obliged to say anything, anything you do say will Not, Repeat Not, be taken down and used in evidence The first session is likely to be used to just kind of settle in with each other, iyswim.

Appointment is 1.30. Will need to leave soon. Hope you get some sleep.

And crying is OK. There will undoubtedly be a large box of tissues in the room.

thank you PPC, I hope you are asleep..... I went to Tesco's and felt like a wet rag, but did it and got back home. Feel sorry for Ikeatears, she has a baby to look after and coping with all this.
But Ikeatears, I went to the Lifeline here in Northern Ireland, which was set up as there were so many suicides etc., so I suppose its government run.

It is good to get things out in the open, I had issues when I was in my 20's, because I hated my dad, but the thing was I didn't respect him, I cried and went to my grandfatheres, but it felt good to get the thing out in the open...

Post when you get back, I am sure you will feel better.....

That was awful. Got there and was called in by a young woman and asked to sit in a small room, she then sat down, didn't bother to introduce herself and said that this was just a quick meeting to find out which waiting list to put me on. She asked me some set questions from a list then sat me at a computer for a multiple choice questionnaire then she asked a couple more, quite leading, questions, added her numbers up and said she'll put me on the waiting list for stage 3. I had to ask what she meant and she said CBT. She couldn't give me any indication how long it would be, she said "it could be 6 weeks or 4 months, I have no idea."
I have looked into different types of therapies and the one I most definitely don't want is CBT, it is short term, it is structured by the therapist, it doesn't take into account past history.
I was too upset to say much (I wasn't crying but knew I would be if I questioned her) but I am also angry that I was treated like a number on a list.
Oh and I can't get an appointment with the GP until after my ads have run out.
Haven't got a clue what to do now.

You definitely don't need CBT. It sounds like you have seen the Graduate Health Worker. CBT is to help deal with unrealistic worries, and mild depression, where thought processes have got things out of proportion. That is not the case with you, you have got real stuff to deal with and you need help with that.

It seems your GP got the wrong end of the stick. I can't see much else you can do except to insist on another appointment. Possibly with a different GP at the same practice.

Seems my reassuring post was wrong in all respects

BTW have started official legal route re divorce settlement, which has eased my mind somewhat.

*Graduate Mental Health Worker

The GP doesn't do the referral, he just gave us a leaflet and we had to self refer. Just at a bit of a loss at the moment.
Glad you have got the ball rolling, I have a couple of friends who have gone through divorce recently and they found the uncertainty very hard to deal with.

Sorry the person you saw wasn't more human, helpful, and empathic Ikea

Fair enough she couldn't go into things in depth with you or for an extended time, and she had some assessment to carry out to know how to help you further.
But there's no excuse IMHO for this tick sheet mentality you see all the time these days in health care and education etc.

Juggling, as an educator myself, I understand the benefit of using standard questionnaires as part of initial assessment but I would never rely on this alone. I use a variety of techniques and methods, depending on the learner and the circumstance. I am frustrated that I wasn't given the same consideration. It took a lot for me to walk in there and be prepared to lay myself bare and admit that I need help and I don't feel she appreciated that at all. I think the worst thing was that she didn't even have the courtesy to introduce herself. I often work with people who are taking a huge step just walking through my door and admitting that they have a problem with literacy and the first thing I do is try to put them at ease, let them know they are not being judged and try to learn a little about them. It doesn't have to take hours.
Anyway, dh has BUPA cover through work (not sure of the level) so we are going to explore that and he is going to Ring the GP to try for a cancellation.

You did say she was young Ikea

Can you forgive her on those grounds ? Is that any help to you ?

Such a shame she didn't introduce herself properly, put you at ease, and give you some time and consideration.

Have to say I like CBT as in challenging yourself to look at things in a different way. But that doesn't mean it would be right for everyone I guess. Could make things even more complicated sometimes I feel - when there's also a lot to be said for taking a simple approach

Oh good, hope that is a way forward for you :)

the other thing I was wondering, was whether you feel strong enough for the Stately Homes thread? Or I am happy to post there asking people to read this thread?

Juggling I agree that CBT can be very good, AIUI, but really for the circumstances I mentioned in my post upthread.

I am so sorry Ikea, I know about a computer CBT system, that is being used by the NHS all over the UK. Google www.beatingtheblues.co.uk But I do agree with PPC that you were not expecting just a tick box excercise. I would go through BUPA, as I can get counselling through work, and because of the LIFELINE system over here, because of all the troubles, I have hopefully been lucky, if you can call it that. I dealt with a lot of problems through our mental health place at an NHS hospital, with a psychologist, she ws wonderful, although I thought she wasn't doing much at the time, she listened in all the right places. I went back to her when I got on my feet and had a setback, but then it all seemed to click in place, a lot of crying and having arguments, but I got there. You will to once you get the right person to talk to... Love and hugs, and I had a bad day, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.....xxx and thinking of you. Good news for PPC, you will get there in the end as we all will. x

Thanks for the link Fitzroy - I'm just off to explore that !
Thinking of you too though, and anyone else on here struggling with depression and/or life !

Juggling, I she wasn't so young that she shouldn't have known better and imho, if you are the first face someone sees when they are going to something like this, you should know to at least try to put someone at ease. Sorry, I know my answers seem short, I really don't mean them to be, I am just so frustrated and angry and upset really. I felt fobbed off. Re CBT, I am not against it in principle but I really strongly feel it isn't for me and my friend and DH, having read up on it, both agree.
TPPC, I think I feel safer on here really. I have had a quick look but don't want to have to explain myself again with new people if that makes sense. I have no objection to you asking them over here though, maybe someone can give me a new perspective on things from a different angle.
Bugger, I am bloody crying again. I am so tired of crying. I haven't said anything to anyone in rl apart my friend and DH so most of the time I feel like I am putting a big act on. The effort of it is exhausting but the alternative doesn't even bear thinking about. They are the only rl people I want to know about this. Thank you for listening.

I don't disagree with you at all Ikeatears - I just thought I'd throw a few thoughts in to see if they gave you a different perspective at all - in case that might help. But being cross about her approach is fine too - It wasn't helpful to you was it ? - and it should have been - that's her job !

Thanks juggling.

Have posted on Stately Homes, with a link here.