Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Can't help wondering what you and DH rowed about. No wonder you had a bad day after that and hassle from work.
DH may be being very supportive, but I think it would be more helpful if he could cut down on rowing with you too.
You say it was "Totally my fault"
I'd challenge that both for myself and encourage you to challenge it too.
DH needs to make even more effort than he already is if he wants you to get better quickly. For everyone's sake. Perhaps he might take a look at this thread and see what he makes of my comments.

Are you having the same row over and over, as it were? I have done this, sometimes it's been like we are almost working from a script.

He needed me to get up before went to work, to see to the baby. He was a bit short. He then rang me to see if I was ok, I said baby has gone to sleep, he said he hadn't seemed tired so I accused him of calling me a liar and also said why did you keep waking me up this morning. He said he had left me as long as possible but has to go work and baby obviously can't be left alone. I think he tried to wake me from about 15 mins before he left but in my head it felt much earlier. I was unreasonable, I was short tempered and he was nearly in tears. It really was my fault. He apologised for being short and said he just felt under pressure this morning. He rang back 10 mins later to say I love you. I seem to almost push him away or push his buttons. I know I'm doing it and can't stop until I calm down.

I have acted in such a way that lots on here (especially in Relationships) would call it abuse. I was very depressed at the time. I think there is a lot of truth in what some say, that until you have actually experienced it, you don't know what depression is really like. I think that what I was really doing when I acted the way I did, was trying to make oh feel pain as intensely as I did, so he might understand more. It wasn't a conscious intention.

I can see how this happened, possibly. He was merely keeping on the topic of baby's sleep, and giving you the info he had from before you got up.

It felt to you that he was saying baby couldn't have gone to sleep because dh knew baby wasn't tired before dp left (and therefore, by implication, that you were lying).

He thought he was just replying about the baby, and expressing mild surprise :) He didn't let it fester, he apologised, and then rang 10 later when you'd had some time without him. It sounds to me like an underlyingly good relationship under considerable, and understandable stress.

Once more, hugs to you both

*this = your row, in case it's not obvious

TPPC, you are absolutely right, that is exactly how it happened. We do have a good relationship, yes we fall out now and again and young children certainly add to stress levels but we always try to work things out together. If we feel we are taking each other for granted we make time and sit and talk it through. I am fiery and DH isn't but we are both willing to say sorry and work out what went wrong. At the moment though, I am being unreasonable, I know I am but I can't seem to stop myself then I hate myself for it and spend the day in tears. I just cried to him and he admitted he is frustrated, not with me necessarily but because he doesn't know how to help. He is helping though but I'm making him feel like he isn't I think. Going to bed now, hoping for a better day tomorrow. Australian surf and turf on the menu I think!

Jamie Oliver's Guiness beef casserole tomorrow. DS (23) who moved out last Oct, is coming for a meal , it seems like a long time since we saw him, but it was only this Christmas just gone.

How did today go, Deserving?

I hope you managed to channel some of that blithe Aussie 'no worries' attitude.

Hey, "deserving" - I like it helpyourself

Sorry Ive not replied sooner. May not be on for a day or so. Feeling low. Need some time.

Take care - hope you can get some rest and support x

Take your time.

Try and keep us posted, but don't feel preassurised if you're not feeling great.

Sleep when the baby naps and try and get some blummin' fresh air!

Hi all. Am feeling much better today. My angst about being away from dh seems to have disappeared, when I look back to last week, I can't relate to how scared I felt every time he went out of the door. Yesterday and the day before, I just felt kind of flat, I didn't even want to think which is why I couldn't face posting. I recognise how I'm feeling now, I feel like I want to forge about it all and move on. This is how Ive felt on previous occasions. Dh and I spoke about it last night and we both agreed that I can't forget it this time. THis time I have to face it and continue with the ads and start the counselling. I am worried that the counselling will make me feel worse before I feel better but it is something I have to go through. The last few weeks have been horrendous and I don't want to ever get myself in that situation again. I know here will be ups and downs but I have to do everything I can to get better for myself and for my family.
I have reread this threAd his morning and I don't even remember some of those days properly. I want to say a heartfelt hank you to everyone who has helped and supported me, your kindness and concern for a total stranger has been overwhelming. I am crying a little now but they are good tears. I am a by private person but you have let me pour out my feelings and fears in a way that I feel safe, I can't tell you how much each and every one of you has helped me.
I am going to keep posting because I know this isn't the end and I do think I am going to get low times, especially when the counselling starts. I kind of feel a bit like when you are recovering from the flu. I feel fragile and a bit teary and not quite myself but I feel I am on the better side of it iyswim. Thank you everyone and I'm going to take it one day at a time but with the knowledge that I have support in place and I will get there. Very un Mumsnet I know but xxx

We're not going anywhere anytime soon x
Glad you're feeling a bit better today

Oh do keep posting, I think of you as a sort of cyber-friend (however temporary, am not a stalker ), and don't forget it was a godsend to me finding you at silly o'clock, even though you were at a low ebb then , you were still a help just being there :)

Have been reading your thread and can identify with a lot of what you're going through, reminds me a lot of myself a few years ago. I think it's brilliant you have recognised that something needs to change and gone to you GP. I won't crash your thread but I've felt a lot of what you're feeling and would like to tell you that with help things can get much much better.

I will continue to check in and see how you're doing. I'm new to Mumsnet but I am so pleased to see what amazing support people have offered you. Please know you deserve their concern and the love of your family.

Hi all, will keep posting and Charlie, crash away! Thanks for your message and please do join us ( especially me and The Pinl Pussy Cat at silly o'clock!)

Hi there, I have been reading your thread the whole way through today. I have no children and no dh, but was on HRT, and seem to have landed myself in the same situation with depression, anxiety,not able to eat or sleep. I am on the same ad from last week, feel so unreal. I am starting with a counsellor this Tuesday, as my gp referred me to Lifeline, which is like the samaratians. I felt I wanted to do away with myself..... I have such frightening thoughts, I work full time, but am off sick at the moment.

I think you are a wonderful brave woman, who I admire, and I hope you come through all this, and that you don't have to keep looking back to your childhood. Hopefully we will both feel a lot better on the ad's and they say it makes you a stronger person when you get through this, I wish you all the best and will be keeping a close eye on your improvements.... And I agree, you do deserve your family......love and hugs from Fitzroy

Fitzroy, thank you for your post. I can't imagine going through this without dh so I think you are the brave one. Unfortunately, my day has been down today, I think crying in ikea might be a new low for me! Haha. But, have been for a meal with good friends tonight and actually enjoyed it so ended on a positive ( except for no sleep again). I feel like the ups and downs are so crazy at the moment but I am also feeling that the ups are becoming more frequent so that is positive. I KNOW I am going to get there and you will too. It isn't going to happen overnight but we have to keep going, step by step, we have to think of life as a gift and learn to enjoy it again. Please keep posting on here and we can help each other.

Hi all, it's me, idontdeservethem, finally name changed. I feel the time is right. It may seem to be a negative change but I feel like it is positive. Ikea could drive the sanest amongst us to tears after all haha. But also, I have been up and down the last couple of days but I feel a difference in my thought patterns and even when I felt awful today, in tears in Ikea, I knew it wasn't the end of he world (just a bit extreme and a bit embarrassing!) I feel like I am on the cusp of changing my life for the better in the long term And that only really hit me today so I will forever associate this thought with today (am I making sense?) It is normal to cry and I am normal, I am going through difficult time but I am not crazy and this will pass. I have found a quote which I feel sums up how my next steps have to go.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
--Peter Koestenbaum

I know my time ahead will make me face some uncomfortable truths about myself and my experiences but if I want to truly be me and live my life the way it should be, I have to be honest and truthful with myself.
Off to try to sleep, the ads dont seem to be working as much on that score anymore, take care everyone and again, thank you.

Hello. Only just found this thread. Just wanted to say that I can really relate to it, and you are doing very, very well. I found a book called "Depressive Illness; the curse of the strong" by Tim Cantopher really helpful. Helped me accept what was happening to me as an illness, not a weakness. Remember too, that the better days and then worse days are normal. It doesn't mean you won't get better in time. Keep talking to your GP. The right need and best dosage can take a while to find. Also, if you need to see a different GP within your surgery, that can help. I saw three before finding the best one. HTH.

Ikeatears well done. In that vein, I could once have had the name Morrisonstears

thanks again, I am having quite a struggle at the moment, they say rest, but then they say don't lie in bed... I can't make the decision, and the nausea is still there, it should have gone by now. As anyone seen the threads on the Mirena Coil, this is where all this started with me, I got it in for menopausal hot flushes, and now I am nearly in the mad house..... I was disgusted to learn of all the women that have suffered over the years..... with depression, anxiety and even infertility, and drs still don't believe us.....thanks again, but I don't feel brave

Hi fitzroy, sorry you're havin such a tough time, still very up and down really, feel quite groggy today compared to the last few days for some reason.

First day of counselling, can't say I'm looking forward to it particularly but I know I have to go. Weekend was full of highs and lows, I can't seem to get on an even keel at the moment. It isn't helping that AF arrived early and now my migraines plaguing me!

Wish me luck!