Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Well, what a difference. The ads were much slower to work last night. I woke up once for an hour or so but not too bad in the main. This morning, side effects are: very slight slur (dh says he can't hear it), wobbly legs and bad headache (which iboprofen is helping). A hundred times better than yesterday. Am very tired but I'm going to get dressed and attempt to go to be shop. After that, when the baby naps, I will. Finally, I am going to cook Chinese food for tea. If I do those things today then it's a good day. Laptop, thank you for your natural alternatives, in goin to give the ads a chance first but I will bear them in mind if this route doesn't work. Am feeling sick about going to supermarket but did it two weeks ago without a thought! I can do this

Gosh what a roller coaster deserving!

Hang on in there and keep posting, today's plan sounds good, do nap with the baby.

You really can do this.

Been to supermarket, DH stayed on mobile with me some of the time, legs were very wobbly and thought I would be sick. Thougt I might cry once in the fruit and veg aisle! But I managed it, am now back home, baby gone to bed so will try for an hour of sleep. Going to cook all afternoon, promised kids Chinese yesterday but couldn't manage it so hopefully will today. DH going to try to get home for school run, not sure I'm ready for the playground. Am crying now but I think it's relief that I am back home. Trying to think positive.

Well done with the supermarket, a Chinese meal sound like a lovely idea I'd need the local takeaway number to hand in case my food was inedible!

THanks Viking. Not managed to sleep and still got a raging headache but I'm used to headaches as I get frequent migraines and can manage that. Just sat down after prepping all the food. It really does seem to make a difference to me when I am busy with something like that. I would love some sleep now. Legs are shaky and feel a bit teary but not like yesterday. Will spend the next hour or so chasing the baby and saying "no" and "get down". He is such a monkey. I'm ready for DH to come home now but I know he won't be too long. Was talking to my friend last night and I was saying, the other times I have felt like this I have managed to pull myself out of it somehow but never fully. I feel fine but I'm not really. I want to sort this out now. I don't want to keep feeling like this on and off for years and years. I know it might not be the last time but at least I can learn some better coping mechanisms and hopefully, if this isn't the last, it will be the worst.

I have cried in the supermarket. More than once! when I am was down the slightest decision can be beyond me. I was near the fish counter,first thing on my list smoked haddock - but which sort? how much? This got me thinking about the purchase to come - frozen peas - and the decisions I'd have to make about them. Cheapest per pound? cheapest outlay? own brand? Birds eye? ordinary? petit pois? And I was still at the fish counter. By now I was a sort of standing paralysis, and in tears. I had to explain to kindly staff that I was depressed

(better than my reaction in my 20's and 30's on the occasions I'd been crying in public: Concerned bystander: Are you all right? Me: Course I'm not alright, anyone can see that (delivered in an anguished angry shout). This got rid of them!

In the haddock/peas instance, it went better cos I just explained myself. Then I went back outside, smoked two fags, revised my shopping list (based on a hope that cooking might improve my mood), and went in and bought a large steak pie and some baked beans

revised my shopping list which had originally* been based on...

TPPC thanks for that - good to know I'm not alone in my supermarket meltdowns!
Chinese was met with mixed reviews, DH loved it all and has boxed up some of the chilli prawns with noodles to take for his lunch tomorrow, ds1 (usually the most adventurous) only really liked the fried rice, ds2 (usually the fussiest) enjoyed the noodles and beef and ds3 ( the human Hoover) pretty much ate whatever was put in front of him until he was full, then deposited the rest all over the floor! I tried everything, not in huge quantities, but at least I ate.
Isn't it Burns night tomorrow? Might have to go with a Scottish theme...
At least my new found culinary skills are keeping me out of trouble, the house is mess and the washing is piling up but hey ho, can't have it all...
Toady was a good day, I think, in comparison to the last week.

Today not Toady!

I am glad your house is a mess and the washing is piling up! You seem to have got your priorities right!

Haggis, neeps, and tatties tomorrow deservethem

(good idea - might copy you !)

Toad in the hole on Thursday ?

What's happening Thursday?
Eurgh, couldnt do Haggis, tried it once...never again, thinking more nice beef stew or a cock a leekie soup...

Oolong, Thursday is Australia day! Is it too cold for the barbecue? Maybe I am losing the plot!

Oolong? Don't know what that's about, I meant oooo

Oh, I just got inspired because of your Toady typo, deservethem

Barbie sounds an idea too !

Cock-a-leekie or Beef stew also sound great ! Can I come over ?!

Think I might go out for a Chinese meal with friends on Saturday for my birthday. I was born in the year of the dragon so that's rather cool. Perhaps it will be a good year for me ? And you too I hope, deservethem

(PS Do you like your new NN ? - I'm using it until you choose another )

Thanks for the nickname, I am thinking about a change but when it feels right iyswim.
Day 3 of the ads. Not really had any slurring but my eyes are heavy and stinging. Legs a bit like lead. Again, less so than last night. I know his is ridiculous, but I m now starting to worry thAt they'll stop helping me sleep! Anyway, all kids in bed, I'm off to research Scottish food chill with dh. Thank you all, you're a big part of my support network at the minute.

Woken up feeing sick. Don't want to get up but dh at work and baby playing in his cot so have to. Would love to stay in bed today.

Have another ten minutes as baby happily playing in cot ?

I'm sure that's what makes it so hard sometimes for mothers to shake off depression - sometimes I think we really need a rest and a break from all the responsibility of looking after everyone, but however much support others give us, it's really hard to get a good proper rest and a break.

• Can be possible though, at least for a day off, which can give you a real boost.

Hope baby is easy for you today, dt One thing/step at a time hey ?

Cup of tea for starters dt ?
Here, let me be Mother, and pour you a cup !
Flowers too to brighten your day ?

Enjoy your and !

Take it easy today, try and get some fresh air.

If you're still thinking Scottish Cuisine may I recomend a Vegetarian Haggis? They are as tasty as the meaty ones and not so full of frightening stuff.

Ooh, I might see if I can get a veggie haggis, some neeps and tatties for supper tonight ! Yum !

ooh how nice this thread looks this morning, first thing I've done after making is look at it, lots of . juggling you're so right, looking after everyone else all the time, sometimes we need it the other way round, not always a practical proposition.

Thanks for all the flowers and cups of tea! Have slept all morning while the baby has been in bed. Not feeling aMazing today, although the side effects do seem to be lessening. Work annoyed me a bit. Got an email on Monday asking if I can go in for a course I'm doing on Thursday. They did apologise for the short notice. I said no, that his week was impossible. Bear in mind that I am self employed and contracted to one day a week. I do do extra work as short term contracts now and again but usually get lots of notice. I don't mind the short notice though a d accommodate them when I can. I got an email this morning saying they really need me in and it's only 2 hours. I ready said no. I don't have to explain myself to them. What I choose to do on the other 4 days is not their business, A lot of us work for other people on other contracts for example. It just pissed me off that they would try to insist when for all they know, I could be working. Sorry, I know it's minor and I can see that now I've written it down but it started my day badly!
Dh and I rowed again this morning, over the phone. Totally my fault. We made up but I let him start work on such a bad note. He is still very supportive but understandably frustrated. Having a crying day today. Please tell me these Ads will work quickly, if only to stop the crying for a bit.
My plan was Scottish food, would have to go to supermarket. Don't know if I can. Someone kick me up the arse and tell me why I need to get dressed and go out!

Get up and out and buy a veggie haggis!

Well done on work email- you sound completely competant!

Done the supermarket. Chickened out of haggis and went for mince and tatties, it's good enough for Oor Wullie after all!
Still got the school run to do, plan is to be as late as possible so I don't have to stand around making small talk. I really do wish I could just have one day to myself, just to not have to think. Impossible though. Feel much worse today than yesterday in terms of mood but I think the fact that I know dh won't be home till nearly 7 isn't helping. one day at a time I suppose.