Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Thanks all for replies. May not be on until tomorrow now, tryin to organise kids. I will reply properly then.

suggestion for transition MN name: Ididn'tdeservethat

I reckon I could maybe go with that TPPC. Cant now. But will think about a change tomorrow. DH had fab night full of old friends and lovely memories. I was fine to be fair cos I have two lovely SILs who I could just chat to. DH is snoring and as usual i a, wide awake . He has deserved a bit of a blow out. Going to try to get some sleep now

Just a thought, is your GP aware of your past? Or do they just think you are depressed iyswim - it may make a difference to getting the right med.

Glad you made it- sounds like you got hrough the evening.

Try and rest up as much as possible today.

Hi. Am absolutely shattered. So tired. I am almost looking forward to the ad tonight so I can sleep. Thank you for all your support, it means a lot. Re the GP, he isn't the type that I would tell anything to, although dh says he did say to GP that he thought my past was an issue. I am going to try to get a little sleep now.

Thank you very much PinkPussyCat,

I agree with the name change

The tiredness is the pits, it gets in your bones.. Glad DH had a good night and you were OK x

How are you doing deserving?

Am ok. Started ads last night so not feeling best today. L try to updat later.

Come back to bed. Head is banging. Feel worse than I have for days. So tired. Going to try to sleep. Am hoping I will wake up feeling a bit better. Am sick of all this now

I think you might have to just stick with it until the ads begin to work, you are seeing the councillor soon so that should help. We're still here for you.

Your main job atm is to give your medication a fair chance to do its stuff. As someone upthread said, think of it like having a broken leg. We will all be here, we know what it's like to be depressed, we know it takes time to recover, and for some of us our knowledge now comes from remembering what it was like, we have got better (or at least better than we were ). In other words, have hope, have trust, have a hug, have

Can't do it. Just had a blazing row with dh. Can't see n end to it all. Not going to do anything stupid but I just feel like giving up. Will have to stop the ads and hope the counselling is enough. I can't function. I can't bear being around he kids. I know I am pathetic. I know I am making Dhs life a misery but I don't know what else to do. Just want to give up

Try and carry on taking the ads until you see the councillor, the chances are they will tell you the same; they don't do their job straight away, if not try the other ones your GP gave your see if they're any better, but I really do think you need to give them a chance.

I can't. The side effects stop me functioning. I couldn't look after the baby. I couldn't go to school for the others. I am slurring and dizzy all morning then I slept for 4 hours his afternoon. I took them 3 hours earlier than doctor said so the effects would wear off. But that means I need dh here early evening. He can't be here all the time. Even if they wear off after this week I can't just ask the kids to stop needing me for a few days. I can't take the others because I am terrified of the insomnia. I still wouldnt be able to function in th day. Catch 22. At least if I take none my head will not feel like this

Sorry to hear you've had a blazing row with DH. I think you really don't need that the way you're feeling ATM. Both you and DH need to try and take things a bit more gently I think. Hope you can make up quickly and avoid any full on rows for the next few days/ weeks/ months
Am finding this a helpful thread as I feel a bit down too ATM - but I know that's partly because DH is away for a couple of weeks on a trip. I'll feel better when he's back helping with the DCs again. Some great replies from posters here though which could help many readers

• Anyway take care OP - And take it easy if you can.

A lot of your posts sound like you really need a rest from looking after DCs and taking care of everyone. Would it be possible to go away eg. for weekend with DH when you feel a little better ? Might be something to look forward to ? Must go ... take DS to band practice ... back later ?

You might not get insomnia from the others seeing as it's a possible side effect, it's worth a shot, unless you feel strong enough to hang on until counselling. Let DH cool off a little and see if you can patch things up again, carry on talking to him if you can.

These side effects are unacceptable. Please see your GP as soon as possible, get an emergency appointment, this is an emergency. Tell them about the side effects, and tell them something about your past. Please.

Get them to prescribe some different medication. If my paroxatine had had side effects like you describe, I'd have stopped them too. But I had no such side effects, and the tablets worked and still work, for me. Others will have found paraxatine was no good for them, but some other ad worked...

You could also start another thread on Mental Health, asking for people's experience of the specific med you have been prescibed.

Insomnia was a possible side effect of paraxatine, I did have it a little for the first two days, then it went. Although, unlike you, I was starting from a place of depression where I was sleeping too much.

Don't think I can face doctor on my own. Dh will be working. Not taken ad tonight. I know I am being negative to ll your suggestions, I'm sorry, I don't mean to, it's just I don't know I wish I could explain. I can't see a way forward. I want to give up. I want to crawl back in bed and sleep. I am a complete failure. I can't make myself do anything. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit different. Dh says I'm acting irrationally. Maybe I am. I don't know.

Yes you are acting a bit irrationally imho, but that's alright, it's called being severely depressed. It just means you are ill. Honestly, they all have a list of side effects with all sorts on. The worry with paroxatine is that if prescribed to someone with undiagnosed bi-polar mood disorder, they may (but it is very unlikely), may, go into a hypomanic state, ie sort of the opposite of depression.

FWIW I took all sorts of different meds prescribed for depression by my GP. This was in the 70's, and I was in my twenties. None of them worked, cos they switched off my emotions, and I decided I would rather feel miserable than feel nothing.

SSRI's had not been invented in those days. But then...

In the late 1990's I was once again severely depressed, and struggling to work full time in that state - it ended with a blazing row between me and a more senior worker, I left the same day and went straight to an emergency appointment with my GP. That's when he prescribed paroxatine (Serroxat) for the first time, it was a fairly new drug. I was very dubious about taking it, especially after my previous experience of ad's, but when I did it made such a difference I can't tell you! I had the previouslly mentioned difficulty in getting to sleep, some initial slight nausea, and some slight changes to my digestion. These things were worth it for the benefit I got, and I don't even get those slight problems any more. I haven't taken them continuously since then, I should mention, but am on them now as they do seem to work the best for me.

Sending you my bestest warmest wishes.

Could you manage to ring 111?

I had to follow up my own post, cos first line looks awful on 'Threads I'm On', sorry if you had to see that, didn't realise

TPPC don't worry, you are right. I knew what you meant. What is 111? DH and I have spoken, we are ok. Feel different again, a bit calmer. I took the second ad and it has been slower to take effect tonight which is better I think. I am so up and down, it is bizarre. I hope tomorrow I won't feel as bad as I did today but if I do, then I'll just have to manage until DH gets home. If the side effects are no different in a couple of days, I'll see the doctor again. TPPC, your support has been invaluable, as has the support of others on here. I know I probably am being irrational and that doesn't help me or anyone. I'll be ok

111 is the number for non-emergency medical matters, kind of like 999-lite I know a couple of people who've used it when they've had physical things wrong, they got sign-posted to nearest help, like out-of-hours. I'm assuming they would be re-assuring to those who ring up with mh problems :)

Sorry to see you are still really struggling.

Have just caught up with the thread and second the idea of going on the stately homes thread. Give you some perspective and validate your feelings. Hope you get that counseling appointment soon.
You could keep a notebook and pen down feelings as they crop up so that you remember to discuss them. just a single sentence i.e.: "toys in shed" "that's because I paid for all these singing lessons" etc...
They will have some relevance at a point in your therapy and will be a good starting point to expand discussion.
For me, seeing those small sentences was eventually quite liberating. Like an out of body experience. You learn to detach yourself from them and move on. That your self worth can not be defined by them but how you act on them.

At the risk of repeating myself, I really think yo must concentrate on getting enough uninterrupted sleep to be able to function in the day.
its really worth exploring other treatments until you find the right treatment if you want to continue with the Ads.

During the day, a combination of magnesium/vitaminB/omegas works well to regulate mood/brain function. How they work is very well documented.
Most importantly, they do not make you drowsy.

Again, a herbal supplement in the evening might be a good transitory solution to sleep soundly.
My experience is of a mix of valerian, hops & passionflower. Its not so much that it makes you fall asleep but almost always guarantees that you won't wake up with cold sweats and head spinning in the middle of the night.

Hope you are sound asleep.