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Original poster

I have reached the point and I am calm

289 replies

failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 17:16

I need to end my life. I want to end my life. I am at peace with doing it and feel very calm now I have made the decision. I just don't know the best way to do it. I wouldn't lie in front of a train or similar as I don't want anyone else to be affected. I would like to disappear and just do it in the middle of nowhere. There is no one who will miss me so there are no issues there. I just want it over with.

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 21/12/2011 21:14

Also NanaNina As solutions go it's not the greatest is it ?!

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 21/12/2011 22:11

Hi FTM, just wanted to say hello, hope you have a good night sleep. You are doing fine, fight for the help you want, if it is not meds then you are not alone, many people are in the same situation and there are therapies that can help, you just need to seek it. I know how you feel, but still admire you because I had a happy childhood and still struggle, so having been through what you went through makes you specially awsome. Your children need you, or would you want them to go through the same that you did, you have an amazing chance to give them what you didn't have, imagine that!
Xxx

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 22/12/2011 09:09

Thank you all so much. I feel rather stupid this morning. I am disappointed to still be alive. I have no idea what is normal behaviour and what to expect from kids. But we are going to the park now and I hope we will have a nice time. Sorry so short but I want to go before I lose my nerve and we end up staying in all day.

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 22/12/2011 09:14

It sounds very simple, but have you ever thought of parenting classes? That might help you start to get a clearer view on what its reasonable to expect behaviourwise from children.

Enjoy the park.

noddyholder · 22/12/2011 09:16

When you are done with the park maybe get them to make a simple lunch for you all. Then have an easy afternoon!

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 22/12/2011 09:32

Well done getting out to the park with the DCs - it looks a nice, bright, and mild day ! I'm hoping to get out today with my DCs too (we've been in too much this week !)

You seem to have a really clear idea of what you need to work on too - understanding more about children's behaviour and what you can expect from them. So well done on that too !

However you feel I'm bloody glad you're still alive !!

Ephiny · 22/12/2011 10:15

You may be disappointed but we're all very glad you're OK and still here this morning!

Good idea about going to the park. I find this time of year it's worth making the effort to get outdoors and have a bit of a walk while it's daylight, being stuck inside all day can make you feel worse. Hope you have a nice time :)

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/12/2011 11:18

well done op. Smile

sertraline50mg · 22/12/2011 11:22

Well done OP, just take each day at a time.

Maybe listen to this when you get back and have a nice Brew

How old are your dc's? Maybe we could give you some ideas on what to expect if you like?

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 22/12/2011 13:27

We are back. We went to the park. I even went on some of the equipment and joined in Shock. I enjoyed it and so did the kids. DS1 even said no to going to PIL as he was having a lovely time with me and too much fun Shock. We all got muddy and then the kids had an ice cream. A walk around the lake then more park time before some shopping. Bought deli bits for lunch and got some bits needed. Home for lunch together. DS1 being silly but I stayed calm and confident that I was kind of in charge. I am not sure about being in charge as I am not their boss. Boys now playing together, DD on computer, I am having a sit down. Cat asleep with me. Got a disappointing email but didn't freak out [progress]. Looking forward to DH coming home.

I know I will struggle and wish I had left this world sometimes want to tell the reason but scared too but maybe I should accept I have managed for a few hours without shouting or losing it and have managed the children's behaviour. Baby steps?

OP posts:
Selks · 22/12/2011 13:35

Yes, baby steps. Very, very well done. And a massive well done for recognising it as the positive step that it is.

I'd strongly recommend going back to your mental health service / GP and requesting a review of your meds if they are not working. You may need a stronger dose for a while, or different meds.

Keep reminding yourself each day what you have to live for (children, marriage, sunshine, etc)...write it down and look at it each day.

When you feel a little stronger you might want to consider counselling or therapy.

And see if you can find a regular activity that is pleasurable and just for you - going swimming, country walk/cycle, reading a book, joining a local group etc. It can be a real mood boost.

Well done again. Just take each day as it comes, and keep taking those baby steps ((hug))

Selks · 22/12/2011 13:39

Actually, reading through your message of how well you have coped today I just wanted to say you have coped really really well, and there have been some huge positives today.
Keep on noticing the positives and don't let any negatives throw you into a back-slide.

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 22/12/2011 13:40

Thank you.

Why is it so easy for me to see where I have gone all wrong but not what I have done right or to work out how to manage?

OP posts:
fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 13:52

not seeing what you've done right is something all of us do. it's very hard to praise yourself. but you should [girn]

fuzzypeach1750 · 22/12/2011 13:52

girn?!!! oh dear. Grin

Selks · 22/12/2011 14:01

If someone is depressed then the illness causes them to see things in a more negative way...it's a symptom of depression. It takes a bit of practice to get into the knack of reminding yourself of the positives, but doing so can be a very powerful tool against the negative thoughts.

The other thing to be wary of is self-blame too. This can be a part of depression and again is the illness talking.

I'd suggest learning more - in a general sense - about depression and how it affects people. Learning about it from a cognitive behavioural perspective is really helpful too, as it helps us understand the role of our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviour in how we feel and how we can use those to help ourselves feel better. You might like to take a look at these two books - here and here.

When you are feeling a bit stronger I really recommend accessing cognitive behavioural therapy....it is hugely helpful for overcoming depression and the effects of past trauma.

Anyway, remember - take it small step by small step; don't forget to consider a review of your meds; and don't allow any negative things to knock you back. Keep remembering those positives.....

Have a good day x

thunderboltsandlightning · 22/12/2011 14:25

Oh well done. It sounds like a lovely day. It is OK for you to be in charge. You are the leader when you're a parent, but you can be a good leader, it doesn't have to be a negative thing.

Do you want to tell us the reason you wanted to not be here anymore, or is it still too difficult?

sherbetpips · 22/12/2011 14:32

hope you are still there too much. go on give 999 a call, depression is full of tricks that make you feel calm and really quite happy at such a decision. You aren't failing as you have battled up to this point. Keep going and get the meds adjusted.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 22/12/2011 14:52

I'm glad things are going better for you today. It sounds like you all had a lovely time at the park, the kind of day children remember for a long timeSmile

Please remember that all children are over excited and hard to control at this time of year, mine have their moments of running wild and won't be quiet to sleep at night. It's all the excitement of Christmas, it's just draining for the adults but they can't help it. It certainly doesn't mean you are not a good parent.

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 22/12/2011 15:28

Better day today then. Excellent news!

I envy you your cat, DH and DS are bloody allergic.

Maybe I should evict them and get a cat instead?

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 22/12/2011 16:18

Glad you had such a good day ftm

Your early post inspired us to go out too and we had a lovely afternoon enjoying the sunny day and avoiding the shops ! Can't believe you were all up and ready by 10 though - It was after 12 by the time I'd got my two ready !

FizzyChristmasFairyDust · 22/12/2011 16:50

it's good to see you are posting on this thread, OP.

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 22/12/2011 17:40

I need a favour Blush.

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 22/12/2011 17:47

What do you need?

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 22/12/2011 17:54

Can we forget what an idiot I have made of myself last night? I feel so stupid but also like a weight has been lifted as I shared some things and the world didn't implode Blush.

OP posts: