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Original poster

I have reached the point and I am calm

289 replies

failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 17:16

I need to end my life. I want to end my life. I am at peace with doing it and feel very calm now I have made the decision. I just don't know the best way to do it. I wouldn't lie in front of a train or similar as I don't want anyone else to be affected. I would like to disappear and just do it in the middle of nowhere. There is no one who will miss me so there are no issues there. I just want it over with.

OP posts:
Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:41

I was in care all my life and had lots of moves. I was happy in some placements and not in others. I had a short time in the happy places and were left in the unhappy ones for years. I just wanted a husband and children to love.

OP posts:
TheLightPassenger · 21/12/2011 19:41

Here's the number and contact details for parentline, people you can talk through the parenting issues with if you feel up to it.

familylives.org.uk/

Xmas is a flashpoint for many with mh issues, the pressure to be the perfect media type family, but so much of that is a commercially fuelled myth.

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 19:43

hia sweetie,

god does that sound kind or patronising? its meant to be kind.
anyway, its good that you have reached out on here. People want to help you. people can help you, but your lost in the fog of your head and you dont know ho w to get the help you need.
people on here do. they have been there.

i have attended lots of suicides, and i want to tell you the truth, its grim. its grim and its desperate and its unbearable for those left behind.

please please dont do anything right now. you are ill. you can get better, things can be better.

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:43

And now you do.

Do you think it's because you are safe now that your mind is letting you feel the pain of your childhood?

It's what my counsellor thinks about me and she could have a point.

CailinDana · 21/12/2011 19:43

Do you have a husband now, or did you at one point? How many children do you have? I don't think anyone will recognise you from what you say, and even if someone does, they won't say a word, I don't think you need to worry about that.

PinkSchmoo · 21/12/2011 19:45

You have them. You aren't alone. They need you ftm. Parenting is so challenging even when you are well but there is help. You have asked for it here. Please get some irl too.

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 19:46

you are FTM. no one cares what other names you go by really. i havent a clue, so dont worry about it.

offload on here, use it as a safe space. i have done that often, this place has been therapy for me at times.
better that than the alternative, truly.

liveinazoo · 21/12/2011 19:47

im glad you starting to tell us little threads of your life.thats a big step.when you start chatting to people about depression,its suprising how many have been there.none of us are remotely judgemental.i wouldnt wish it on anyone.its a wicked horrible illness that need to be meneged to allow you the life you so richly deserve.x

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 19:49

who is with you now FTM?

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:49

Medication doesn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:50

My husband is here and he has put a dvd on.

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 21/12/2011 19:50

Look how far you've come. You dreamt of a husband and children to love and you made that come true. The reality is never quite as we expected ... far harder work Wink But don't underestimate your achievement ( just because generally society does.) Being a Mum is the hardest job !

The school your DC is at ATM is just one option for helping you to bring him up. Another option could be better for him anyway. There are lots of people who can help you in the task of raising your children. Let them/us help you !

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 19:52

does your husband know how you feel? could he help you get some support? are you able to share how youre feeling with anyone in RL?

liveinazoo · 21/12/2011 19:53

glad to here you are not alone in the house[sometimes its good just to have people around in the background].have you tried talking therapies?sounds like you have a lot going on in your head that needs to be talked through and dealt with so you can move forward without so much weighing you down

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:55

I am going to go now. Thank you all. You have been very kind. I need to cuddle up with the cat. Tomorrow is a new day. I need to think about things to do to try and not let the fighting and the arguing start. Stupid thing is I thought I was doing okay as I had only shouted twice all day.

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:56

You are doing good.

Night night

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 19:58

if things are overwhelming you, please, understand you can get help for anything. anything at all.

nothing is worth throwing everything away.

you can get through this, but you cannot do it alone.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 21/12/2011 19:58

That sounds good FTM
So glad you have some company now and know tomorrow is a new day.

Wow ! Only shouting twice on a holiday day in the week before Christmas - You're doing better than me Xmas Wink

Glad you've got the cat to cuddle too Smile

liveinazoo · 21/12/2011 19:59

sleep well honey.cats are great company when you feel crap.personally i find purring quite soothy.x

mummylouise · 21/12/2011 20:01

sleep well xx things may look better tomorrow

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/12/2011 20:01

measure yourself differently - thats what ive been told to do. im very self critical.

you have done well if you only shouted twice. trust me.
start again tomorrow.
but most of all, please dont wait until you are at your lowest ebb to shout for help.

i know you are going now, but are you going to be ok, for tonight?

FizzyChristmasFairyDust · 21/12/2011 20:03

cuddling up with the cat sounds like a great plan. I will be here tomorrow, you know where we are. Hugs.

fuzzypeach1750 · 21/12/2011 20:08

shouting twice all day is fab! better than me today

thunderboltsandlightning · 21/12/2011 20:10

That's a sad story that you had such a difficult childhood FTM. It's much harder to be a parent when you didn't have any example of proper parenting and attachment and love given to you.

Hope you have a good rest tonight, and please remember there's always support here. Everybody has good days and bad days, bad days pass though.

NanaNina · 21/12/2011 20:24

I'm not going to call you by your nickname - how about "struggling a lot" or something similar. I know the horrors of mental illness and the high risk of suicide. I thought and thought for weeks about how I could kill myself. I did make a plan but sort of knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it and I wasn't sure it would work. I was scared I'd just end up still alive but with more problems. I was on a psych ward for 3 months last year and still struggling to fully recover.

I read a line in a book that said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and it made me stop and think. I know you will say that your mental illness is not temporary, but that is probably not the case.

I find it hard to believe that you are completely and utterly alone in this world - or do you mean no one you want to contact for whatever reason. You are clearly rational as you say you need emotional help not meds, but getting that help shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility.