is there a post natal depression/anxiety thread?

[MamaLaMoo]

looking for this, will create if not, thanks.

I think I'm ok. Probably just the lack of sleep. things seem so much worse when you're tired.
So glad you're doing ok loopy it's really good to hear xx

That's good. You sound really positive.
It's a bit of both with the sleeping. I don't sleep particularly well at the moment but LO is poorly and has hardly slept the last 3 nights so getting even less sleep than usual.
I've not even got dressed today. I feel shocking x

dd2 just woken up so can't post and just marking my place

Loopy what's up?

Week not good. Kind of sick of people thinking they know what's best for me. Like when I say I don't want to do something they turn up to do it anyway.
I want to be able to hide myself away and not have to think about how I look or act. Or worry about making sure I look 'normal'.
If I could just do school run come home then do school run again and not have to see/talk to anyone inbetween then I'd be ok.
Plus lost some more weight and really trying hard not to look as much of a mess ad I feel

Loopy you're still here because you're strong. What's happening to make you feel so low?

I know what you're saying when you say the longer you hide away the harder it is to start interacting again. But I don't want to have to interact. With anyone. I so just want to be completely on my own. I want to shout and scream and cry without having anyone judging me for it. I want to stay in bed and not have to get up. Ever.
I want to get rid of this horrible pain.
I want to be ok.
I just want to be me again.

I don't know where to start.

Thanks Loopy.

Hello there.

I've just spent a little time reading this thread. So many of your feelings and experiences ring true. I have spent a lot of my life hiding my anxiety well and have felt like I must be the only one feeling like this.

I've suffered from anxiety since my early twenties (am 37 now) and it's been worse at certain points in my life - work and PND.

Before having my dcs, I assumed that my anxiety was purely work related (I am a teacher) and, although I am good at my job, I suffered from the anxiety of not being good enough. However, when I had ds1 (after really enjoying the pregnancy) I plunged into some kind of abyss where I worried about everything. I worried about bf, going out, staying in, everything. I couldn't rest, I felt sick, I didn't eat and felt tired all the time, even when ds began sleeping a 12 hour stretch (yes, I know how lucky I am). Everything stressed me out - I snapped at dh, flew into rages when we were late/house was a mess/he asked me what we had to eat etc. As a result of PND, I didn't feel I bonded with ds for quite a while.

Just as things were starting to get better, I got pg with dd2! Even though I wanted a second, I was terrified about coping with 2 (ds1 is pretty full on and demanding) but, slightly masochistically, I just wanted to get on with it and, optimistically, couldn't imagine feeling so low again.

How wrong I was. DD2 was born and pnd and anxiety has gone into overdrive again. Dd was very poorly for the first 2 months and ds1 has been in full swing of the terrible twos since then. I find it very stressful getting out with both of them (ds1 is going through a horrid phase of hitting other children) and going to playgroups/softplay is fraught with anxiety. DD2 is a bit of a snacker too, so even going to the park is an issue as I can't leave ds to run around on his own whilst I feed dd.

Ds now goes to nursery two mornings a week and is looked after by a lady a day and a half to give me a bit of a break, and him a bit of variety. But even this I feel anxious about. I worry that he feels pushed out and guilty when he sees me with dd2, even though he gets far more of my time than dd does.

I'm not sleeping well and wake up ridiculously early dreading the day ahead and even just thinking of things to do. I don't take any pleasure in doing anything and again I feel guilty for this. I feel I have lost my confidence in being a mum and although I love dd2 to bits, I sometimes wish I could just be a mum to my ds without her needs encroaching on our relationship, and vice versa. I know/hope this will pass in time but it feel interminable at the moment.

I've just made the decision to go back to work part time after thinking I may not go back at all, but tbh I'm not sure I can face being a SAHM. I don't really want to go back to that job because I know the anxiety that that brings too, but I suppose I can go back and then leave if it doesn't work out.

Sorry for the long post.I hope you're all having better weeks.

Hi
No idea what to say/suggest but just wanted to say hello. You sound like you're having a tough time.

I get a lot of what you're saying though. Especially the stuff about wanting to be a mum to one without having to deal with the other ones needs. I find that difficult too.

And as for being a SAHM..I think we all need a bit of normality and something else to concentrate on. We don't have to just be mum all the time.
I feel ready to go back to work (for the 'break' if you like) but I know I won't cope well with it. So as much as I want to, I know that I can't just yet. And that's frustrating the hell out of me.

What helped you to get through all this the last time?
Are you/have you been on any medication or having/had any kind of talking therapy?
x

Hi bella

I've had cbt in the past but it didn't really help. She even conceded I was very self aware (great! Even the psychologist couldn't help) and then the free sessions ended. I didn't pursue it any further because even finding the time to attend them was making me anxious.

I have also taken Citalopram but it heightened my anxiety so much and it frightened me that I came off them before they could take effect.

I don't know when my pnd with ds1 got better - I think it was a very gradual feeling perhaps kick started, perversely, by the death of my mother. It was almost like this jolted me back into gaining a sense of objectivity about my life.

Hmm...I took citalopram for a few months and it never agreed with me either. I'm on sertraline now. Just had my dosage increased so hoping it will start having some effect soon. (not just the headaches and tiredness I seem to be getting)

Do you see your HV? Maybe try talking to her. And if things don't get any better might be worth talking to your GP about different types of medication.

How are you anyway?? Apart from the obvious.
X

Hi bella

I'm ok thanks. Having a middling day I suppose. Ds1 is actually being ok today with me although he hit a couple of kids at playgroup who snatched his toys and pushed over another in a bit of overenthusiastic play. The mums today were generally ok but I get really anxious about what they think of me and ds. I deal with it in the way I should but I still worry about all sorts of things...will ds grow up to be aggressive? Is it something I'm doing wrong? That kind of thing.

I've got some lovely nct friends who are in the same position as me - a toddler and a baby that is, not suffering from anxiety as far as I know- but I am constantly negatively comparing myself to them. How come they can cope and be so relaxed when I don't feel like that? I hide my mental state well from them as I'm scared of being judged. I don't think they have ever guessed I might feel like this.

One friend has asked me to look after her ds next week for an hour - I ve said yes but I'm already stressing about it. She's a coper and I'm scared if I said no, she would think me utterly pathetic.

How are you?

I am going to reply properly. Just had a shit couple of days. Hope you're both ok x

MTCW like loopy said, your friends/people on the outside see your 'best' face, just like you see theirs. It's very misunderstood this mental health business, and I guess many people (myself included) feel ashamed/embarrassed/like a failure to be labeled with it.
I think a lot of people wouldn't know that there's anything wrong with me. I hide it well (I think) although some days it's too hard and I get angry with myself for not being able to do it. Just don't beat yourself up about it. I bet every mum worries what other mums think of their parenting skills. But to me, what you're describing is just normal childhood behaviour.

loopy hi. I've been on the increased dose for 2/3 weeks now. I'm not sure if I'm doing something that's stopping it from working. Like the thoughts etc are still there. And not sure how I'm meant to stop them.
The CBT seems to be working quite well for me knowing what makes me feel good. Like I know what I need to do but I can't always do it. I know isolating myself makes me feel a hundred times worse but I want to do it because I can't bring myself to do anything else. I want to be on my own.
I feel so tired. Not just sleepy tired. Like my whole body is tired.

Last night I came so close to ending it but I couldn't do it. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not

bella bella bella thanks you so much for responding. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I really don't know what to say. I could trundle out all manner of hackneyed statements, but from someone in a similar position, I know it's of not much use. I suppose the only practical thing I can say is if you feel like that again, come on here and post. I'm sure there'll always be someone to try and help.

loopy thanks to you too. I've just realised I started to type a post yesterday but didn't send it by mistake. I was dreading this morning - looking after my friend's ds as well as my two at soft play - and was eaten up with nerves and felt sick before I got there. It was actually ok but I felt so disengaged, like I was functioning but everything was happening in a bubble. Another friend I know turned up by chance but I'm sure she must think I'm strange - I find it really hard to have a decent conversation when I feel anxious and my mind is somewhere else. She inadvertently made me feel a bit shit because I mentioned I found it hard to get out with my dcs on my own as I am worried about ds getting into danger if I need to feed or sort out dd - she said she didn't think about these things (she has 2 too) and just 'gets on with it' - I'm sure she didn't mean it to sound like I was being pathetic but it tapped into another nerve.

I'm home now and dcs are napping but my adrenalin is still going from this morning. I can't rest, and now I'm worried about what I am going to do with them the rest of the day. Why can't I just bloody chill out???!

the weather is clear here but a bit nippy - I think we might head to the park this afternoon if I can coax dd (she's 5 months) to actually have a full feed before we go (she has a little before we go out, then refuses to feed anymore..but then cries for more, usually right on the edge of the park lake where ds is about to hurl himself into). MIght sound like a silly question but what is water painting?

I do use a baby bjorn often and dd likes it but my back is a bit dodgy at the moment so I only use it for short trips out.

Yes, I'm sure my friend was only trying to be helpful. I think I am just envious at the ability of others to not be anxious about things like that.

Hope you're enjoying the nice day.

I did it.
I talked to my HV today. Ok so I didn't tell her exactly how close I came to doing something stupid. But I told her about the thoughts.
I should of done it ages ago. loopy you were right. No ones going to take the girls. She wasn't shocked or surprised. She just spoke about it like it was normal.

Thanks both of you for replying