No joy in life

[DeepDeepDown]

I wake up tired and depressed, I go to bed tired and depressed.

Apart from my son, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in my life.

I have no friends - never really have. Having suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I don't seem to have the ability to make friends, and, more unsettling, I don't seem to want to.

My DP is confident, outgoing and has many friends. I find myself finding excuses not to accept dinner/meet-ups as I feel and look like crap and I have nothing of interest to add.

Tonight, we were invited out to a "posh" restaurant by one of DP's business colleagues (unmet by DS and I). I used my son as an excuse not to attend - it being too late. I can't do posh. I wouldn't even know where to begin...

I feel awful. I feel like a bad mother, a bad partner and a bad person.

I don't know how to make myself feel better.

I'm sorry to bore, I just needed to get it out. I have no-one to talk to. My DS and I moved country to be with DP and I miss home/my family/my old (safe) life terribly. I (kinda) knew where I was, at least.

I don't know how to crawl out of this state.

Moving country is difficult, starting all over again, I did it 12 ears ago.

It sounds like you need some help breaking the spiral. Go to your GP, possibly get some antidepressants, probably get some CBT) counselling to change your destructive thinking patterns.

But you can also help yourself - challenge yourself in small ways everyday - today I will do x because I don't feel like it but once I get over the hurdle it will be good.

Start if possible financially by buying some close you look good in and feel comfortable in. Then invite an invitation that is not too threatening and get to know some people.

Echo what madmouse says, it is very difficult to break out of the spiral of depression, everything just seems too difficult, talk to your doctor.

Thanks for replying, madmouse.

I'm living in a beautiful city. I have all I could want, but, my heart's not here. I want to go home and I'm beginning to really hate being here.

I haven't spoken about how I feel. I wouldn't want my parents to worry and no-one would understand why I wouldn't want to be here.

Small challenges every day. I understand this, and some days I'll nip out to the shops/do an errand. Most times I stay indoors as I have very poor self-esteem and each time I brave to venture out, I'm extra perceptive to how beautiful/slim/perfectly made up and put-together all the women are here and it always gets me (even further) down.

I have so many clothes, but look awful in everything because I'm no longer active - used to workout 6 days a week.

It's a vicious cycle.

I never thought moving would have this effect on me. My DP must be getting tired of my general mopeyness. He said, concerned, the other night, "I just want you to go out, have a good time and be happy. You've not got any friends and you don't want any - it's a self-fulfulling prophecy..." I fear I'm going to lose him. I'm not the girl he met and fell in love with.

desiretochange, I'm scared to go down the route of ADs. I'm scared that I'll become too dependant on them. I want to be happy without anxiety and without pills.

I thought about joining the gym/starting swimming, but can't summons the energy.

I have trouble getting myself together in the mornings and it's usually gone midday before I'm showered and dressed. I sit and I eat and I rot.

Have always steered away from ADs too DDD but recently gave in because I was feeling so bad, am on a low dosage and have sent for counselling (which I was supposed to start today but got a call to say therapist has flu so cancelled till next week).
Is there anything you could do today that would make you feel better, to challenge yourself as madmouse suggests? Try to think of something and I will do the same and maybe we can help each other get out of our ruts!

Deep - that is classic depression talking. You really are not seeing things clearly if you feel every woman in the UK is slim and perfectly groomed!! And quite apart from that you are good enough!

You are beating yourself up a lot. This whole 'what is wrong with me' thing is so typical.

And no one is suggestion that you should take pills to be happy and of course you want to be happy without pills, but see them as the rope to help you climb out of the ditch that has just grown a little bit too deep.

Healthy eating, exercise and enough sleep can really help you feel better though, so do try that.

desiretochange, I'm sorry to hear your appointment's been cancelled and I admire you for taking that step.

What have you been prescribed?

I am supposed to be going into town today. DP and I applied for a new, bigger apartment and he's asked if I'll pop down to the office to chase up our application. I wish I went earlier as now time's getting on and I really don't want to go. At all. I know I'll feel 100 times worse if I don't go, though...

madmouse, I'm not in the UK. I wish I was - England is home. I'm in Switzerland, and, yes, the women are beautifully slim and extremely well-groomed. I feel like a big frump next to them :(

The thing is, I'm sure exercise would help, but I have zero get-up-and-go!

Thank you for your wise words. I will think about making an appointment with a doctor.

Sorry you're feeling so low.

I've been suffering from depression myself over the last year. I agree with Madmouse in that ADs won't make you happy but they help you cope and I found when I was really low they helped with motivation.

I know exercise is really good for me and improves my mood, but without ADs I probably wouldn't get out there and do it.

It's getting out of the vicious circle that is difficult and talking to someone and telling yourself you need medicine to make you better usually helps.

Wishing you all the best x

DDD what about maybe just going for a short walk instead of full-on exercise? Little steps each day (should take my own advice , I determine each evening to walk in the mornings before work but just can't seem to get out of the bed)

desiretochange, I'm the same... "tomorrow will be different..." and "I'll get up tomorrow and go (do something)...".

Good intentions and all that.

I didn't make it into town this afternoon. I rang the office and was told the guy I need to speak with's in tomorrow morning.

So, my plan is to ring in the morning (and hopefully get the information I need), then force myself out shopping. I need a couple bits so trip will have a purpose. I'll try to concentrate on that instead of everyone else and feeling paranoid... easier said than done, though...

I like your resolve to morning-walk. I can appreciate and totally understand how hard it must be - especially during these autumnal mornings, nevermind having the energy to bounce out of bed!

Do you live alone? Have any kids/support?

Hi DDD, am a single parent (long separated), I have four children but two are working and living away at minute, and one is at college in different town so she lives away during the week and comes home at weekend.
Well done on ringing the office today . . as you say concentrate tomorrow on getting your shopping done and don't worry about other people, they will be too busy worrying about themselves.
I will get up early tomorrow morning and walk before work even if only for 15 mins, we have to start somewhere:)

Hey, desiretochange.

Did you make your walk this morning?

I'm still at home, but managed to speak with someone (on the phone) about apartment situation, so felt better having some news to report to DP.

I'm nibbling digestives with coffee and the Jeremy Kyle now (God help me). Wondering whether to go shops before midday or later on this afternoon. Maybe the earlier, the less busy...

4 kids. Wow. I'd love to have more kids, but I get crabby enough with my son as it is (because of my problems).

Hope you're having a good day.

Hi DDD, did you get to the shops? And congrats on making the call:)
Didn't get for walk this morning, could not drag myself out of the bed till I had no choice but to get out of it to go to work!
Friend of mine rang me this morning to see did I want her vibro plate (or wobbler as I call it:)) as it is just gathering dust with her! This will help me with my attempts at losing weight!!

Hey, desiretochange.

Early-morning walks are never gonna be easy in the winter, but, a wobble-board? Wahey, let the good times roll! (Excuse the pun) I've used one a couple times are they're great!

I did make it to the shops yesterday, but rushed to get back home as I was getting hot and panicky :(

We're flying back to the UK next weekend for half term and I know things will have to change once we return here. I have to get myself in some kind of order - even if it's forcing myself to go swimming 1 - 2 times per week.

How much weight would you like to lose? I've gained about a stone in flab the past 6 months alone.

Hope you are okay and have a good day.

See? I don't even know where I am in the week - totally missed yesterday where I had to meet my son after school then do a mini shopping errand with/for him. It wasn't too bad at all as we were outdoors and we got quite a bit of what we needed.

A couple of ladies also complemented me on the dress I was wearing which was nice :)

Hi DDD, loving my wobbler (as I fondly call it:))If I am totally honest I have about 3 stone to lose and am trying to discipline myself to eat sensibly:(
Well done on getting out of the house and how lovely that you were complimented, lifts the mood when someone is nice to you.

Hope you had a good weekend, desiretochange and the wobbler saw some action!

It's soooo cold here and the heating's on the blink, so looks like I'll have to "jump up and down a bit", as my mum used to say.

dittany, I love DP so very much and often feel I don't deserve him. He's a high-flying exec and I'm, basically, a nobody. He gave me a job at his office which lasted only a few weeks because I hated it - having to mingle with people whilst feeling so dreadful.

I've (unsurprisingly) not made any friends - met a few of DP's - I don't feel I have anything to offer to anybody and that people are only nice to me out of politeness.

I don't think I've ever have been so sad.

DP's said in the past that if I'm not happy here, we'll return to the UK, but then I'd be uprooting DS again and forcing DP to leave a country he loves.

Thinking to start driving lessons - a must whichever country I'm in.

We're flying back to the UK this weekend. Am I to pretend everything's peachy here so as not to make mum worry? I'm worried I won't want to leave again.

Hi, dittany.

Thanks for your responses.

My life before. Well, I was content. I had my little part time job, which I enjoyed. I had my hobby: fitness. So, I used to workout/use steam and sauna regularly and felt pretty good about myself.

I lived with my family, so there was always company/support for both DS and I. DS's paternal grandmother lived locally, too, so I used to get my weekends free and DS would have fun with her.

I think the lack of exercise/flab-gain and being surrounded by perfection is adding to my feelings of inadequacy/total crapness.

I've told mum I'm missing home a little, but not to the true extent. She has enough health/stress/life worries as it is. It wouldn't seem right burdening her with all my junk, too.

We're moving into a larger (more expensive) rented property in the next few weeks and DP is looking at properties to buy. He feels that having more space - a place to call our own, I'll feel better. It's not a nice feeling to admit to, but I'm not looking forward to spending so much money to not be happy.

I'm sorry to have dampened your day reading that.

I don't know how to make myself feel better.

Back from the UK now.

Everyone was so happy to see us. It was so nice to be home. I didn't tell mum how I'm feeling. I just couldn't.

This first week back has been awful. I've not gone anywhere - only quick trips to the local shop for essentials. I feel terribly sad.

Yesterday, I had to take my son to the dr's. In the waiting room I went into my own world. I couldn't hear/notice anything around me. It was kinda blurry. My head felt funny and I was on the verge of crying. After appt, we returned home and I had to lay down and sleep; exhausted.

I feel worthless and I'm scared of what's becoming of me. I am quickly fading away.

I want to see a doctor, but am terrified of my DP realising that I'm weak and feeling let down by me. He is worried about me (not making friends/not working) and tells me this often.

My poor DS has been through a big upheaval moving here. How can I do it to him all over again?

I have lived overseas a lot. I have also felt this way black hole/trapped.

You are homesick, lonely, have gained weight and not surprisingly have become depressed.

Starting to talk about it, and tell people, and think about sorting it out, is a good starting point. Nothing worse than just letting things bounce around inside your head.

Can you give yourself one more shot at life in Switzerland, before asking to move back to England.

How about getting a personal trainer to come to your apartment twice a week. Pay for many sessions in advance so you can't cancel them or 'forget' to pay/book them. Then go looking for a part time job and a nursery for DS. Even if it is volunteer work. Then give it a few months and see how things go. In my opinion, and experience, you need to take your mind off 'yourself' and get involved in some things.

You get back two things you really liked, exercise and work, and develop a little bit of life outside 'family'.

As for being frumpy, I can quickly descend to frumpy so understand how you feel. This whippet-thin, immaculately made-up Continental woman can bore me at times. I never want to look like that - and have my own style which I seem to get lots of compliments about. I bet you did too.

The important thing is, you felt great about yourself before, and can again.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It all sounds very familiar to me...I am trying to build a new life in a "wonderful" city too, but it is taking some time. I am glad I am here but at times I feel lonely,isolated, half the person I used to be....

How long have you been there?

Have you looked into expat groups? Look at the Living Overseas section in MN Talk (under home and gardens) because there seem to be quite a few threads about Switzerland and with links to other groups. Maybe you can build a network by going from internet chatting to real chatting? Personally I would find this easier than having to do all the initial get to know someone chatting face to face if you are not feeling great. You´ll no doubt meet many a woman who has been in the same position as you, and may be able to help you through the tough bits of living in a new place.

I know what you mean about ADs. But they might be a short term solution which will allow you to get your old self back?

Do you speak the local language? (Can´t seem to find where in Switzerland you are). Trying to learn it may be an idea? It will help you meet people and will allow you to know what is going on around you?

A couple of further things I have found useful:
Happiness project (internet site)
Mind over Mood (book)
and for the not looking frumpy bit:
Style and Beauty section
and
Other fashion blogs like "you look fab". I never thought I would be looking at those regularly but I do, and it helps me look after myself a bit more. Luckily, now that winter is coming, you can wear PJs as long as you get yourself into a good coat, colourful scarf and hat, a chic pair of boots, and handbag. And I bet you look just as stylish, if not more (that british flair that the continentals talk about) than the rest!

If you fancy a "getting back into exercise" virtual pal, then let me know! I know I could do with one.

Thank you, gladis and sago for your responses.

I've been here 7 months. Wow, 7 months of unhappiness. Such a waste.

Can't really afford a personal trainer, gladis, but was looking at opening times of local leisure centre this morning. I need to do something and swimming will get my heart going. It's just forcing myself to get out there and do it! Will aim for tomorrow morning - once DP and DS (age 12) have gone.

DP's suggested I look up driving lessons and French language courses. Thing is, I don't have any get-up-and-go. Absolutely nothing interests me. I realise this is a sign of depression, but again, I'm terrified of DP thinking I'm weak and wondering what the hell he's doing with me!

I'm aware of the Living-Overseas section, but have nothing to add and nobody would want to converse with me, let alone meet.

I do look fat and frumpy. I don't like current trends and tend to stick to more classic styles, so not "fashionable". My hair/make-up is a nightmare. I need (£££) help, but never seem to get around to it. Maybe get myself a makeover when I'm back in the UK for Christmas (if I'm brave enough).

Thank you for the pointers.

Will now have breakfast, shower, gear myself up for food shopping and try not to cry today.