No joy in life

[DeepDeepDown]

I wake up tired and depressed, I go to bed tired and depressed.

Apart from my son, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in my life.

I have no friends - never really have. Having suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I don't seem to have the ability to make friends, and, more unsettling, I don't seem to want to.

My DP is confident, outgoing and has many friends. I find myself finding excuses not to accept dinner/meet-ups as I feel and look like crap and I have nothing of interest to add.

Tonight, we were invited out to a "posh" restaurant by one of DP's business colleagues (unmet by DS and I). I used my son as an excuse not to attend - it being too late. I can't do posh. I wouldn't even know where to begin...

I feel awful. I feel like a bad mother, a bad partner and a bad person.

I don't know how to make myself feel better.

I'm sorry to bore, I just needed to get it out. I have no-one to talk to. My DS and I moved country to be with DP and I miss home/my family/my old (safe) life terribly. I (kinda) knew where I was, at least.

I don't know how to crawl out of this state.

deepdeepdown - do you want a daily support group here online. Can we get you down to the pool each day? Exercise has helped me so much in the past. It's not the solution but it's a route to the solution, because it gives you energy and optimism.

Good to hear you are thinking of taking up swimming. Don´t think about it anymore and just make yourself get there - it is a great form of exercise! What exercise did you do in the UK? Would you like to go back to doing some of that, or trying something new?

I am glad to hear French is the local language. So much easier than Switzerdeutsch!

Did you move due to DH´s job? Is he from there? In a way it is easier for the working partner to adjust because they have an instant job to get on with, people to deal with etc. What was your job in the UK? I found it hard to go from full time employment to being a SAHM. New place and new role...hmm, need to redefine my sense of self again. How long are you planning on being there? I know 7 months feels like a long time to you but, in the grand scheme of things it is not. I feel it is also the hardest one because you are finding your feet in a new place.

So, tell me, what is it like to be the mother of a 12 year old? I am so curious because mine are younger but approaching the pre-teens...I need some insight into that age!

pah, fashionable, who cares? Just wear what you are comfy and confident in. Classic styles sounds good for Switzerland!!

Pack your swimming stuff ready for tomorrow and I shall pack mine!

Hi ladies.

I made it to the pool! As soon as the boys left (0720), I packed up and went - wouldn't have made it otherwise, I know!

Took a wee while to get over the panicky (how-yuck-do-I-look-in-this-cossie?) paranoia, but once in, swam about 14/16 lengths. Feel better for having done it and will aim for 2/3 times a week. In the UK, I used to love gym workouts, often. A mix of cardio and weights - swimming thrown in maybe once every couple months. The gym is my preferred choice (with sauna and steam), but the prices are so ridiculously expensive. Nevermind.

I've had a ravenous appetite since I've returned home, too. Hey ho...

Did you both manage to get down the pool today?

sago, DP's British, but has been in Switzerland a few years. He has friends here, so settled very easily. I used to work part time, but had gym/seeing friends which kept me happy. I have nothing here.

My 12yr old's a pain in the butt, but in a nice way, I think. He's the age when he's influenced by his peers - wants to fit in, needs constant reminders to do things and gets embarrassed by me. Typically normal, I suppose.

How many kids do you have?

I'd love to have more kids. Need to be in a much better frame of mind, though, first.

Gotta make a few phonecalls now - something I always dread - especially when I can't speak the lingo. Also have to nip in to town to return something; major panic-inducement.

Hope you both have a great afternoon.

That's great deepdeepdown. I used to find it was best to decide the night before what you would do the following day (exercise/errands/phonecalls etc), even write it down sometimes and then just robotically do it, taking deep deep breaths along the way.

Would you be interested in doing any part time work? There are quite a few English speaking establishments in your part of Switzerland aren't there? Would you consider something voluntary in order to get out and about.

You might have so much more to talk about when you went out to dinner with your husband's friends, and that might give you confidence.

I have two children, 4yrs and 17mo. I did start an exercise/diet campaign but high levels of stress and sick children over the past 4 weeks, have stopped me in my tracks. I have a history of binge eating which is why I sometimes pop onto the MH site. I used to travel a lot and speak French (I lived in Paris for a year once) and had children later in life.

well done deepdeepdown! That is so great to read! I had to smile at your cossie paranoia - I know what you mean. I lived in Finland and went to the public pool and sauna there....the women walked around the sauna area completely naked and uninhibited. The first time I went I was shocked at what I saw - nobody tells us what happens to women´s bodies as we get older and wiser. There are few (no?) images of naked older women´s bodies. After a few visits I felt differently about these bodies, which had survived cold climates and probably worked very hard. I loved the way they just did not care, and did not cover up at all.

How did the phone calls go?

gladis, sorry to hear about stress and sick children. It really throws a spanner in the works when the kids get ill and all the plans have to be postponed. I hope it gets better soon.

I have 3 children, aged 8 -3. Lovely, but hard to split myself in 3 sometimes and that stresses me out a lot.

I did not make it to the pool today, I did have a really full day though. However, inspired by deepdeepdown, I shall go for a run or a fast walk with my nordic walking sticks.I need it, both physically and mentally. What are your plans for the rest of the week?

How are things deepdeepdown?

Hi, ladies.

How are you both?

gladis, sorry to hear of your stressful time of late. Hope it's nothing too serious and things have/are improving.

My DP's encouraging me to find something of interest (work-wise) that I may enjoy, but my low self-esteem is to my detriment. I don't think I'm capable of maintaining anything that requires the ability to be happy/bright/have to deal/work with people. I know I couldn't stick it out the way I'm feeling at the moment. I avoid/find excuses for most all get-togethers/invitiations we receive and that's real sad.

Yes, sago. I admire those who feel confident to bare all, too. Saw much of that spirit on a bright, sunny day (along the riverbank) in Freiburg, Germany...

How long have you been a SAHM? The littlies must keep you busy.

Did you manage to find any time/energy for exercise yet, gladis? And sago, you brushed off them nordic sticks?

I went for another swim on friday. Did a couple extra lengths than on the wednesday. Felt knackered the rest of the day, though. Guess that's just me being ridiculously unfit. Will make the effort to swim again tomorrow morning.

Like your list idea, gladis. There's always things I need to be doing/looking at and fail to complete majority of tasks.

The rest of my week? Well, nowt planned as such, just the usual mundaneness.

You guys got anything nice to look forward to?

"It's like you don't want to be happy", says DP last night.

This on the evening of the morning he says to DS, "Behave for mummy, she's not very happy at the moment, are you?" I head-shook "no".

I don't want to be happy? Who doesn't want to feel happy?! Who wants to feel sad and depressed?

This really upset me. DP asked what it is I'm missing, except family. I told him it's not one particular thing, just everything. He said he's frustrated that I'm not making making an effort to change things.

He asked if I want to go home. I told him it's not just about me. He and DS are settled. It kinda ended there.

He doesn't realise how down I am and that I'm living on my nerves each and every day. I am terrified of making him aware of exactly how I feel, but I cannot go on this way.

I wish I'd never moved here.

Hello DeepDeepDown I can remember feeling like you. Im afraid you sound depressed. Try and get to see a doctor its important as you dont want to feel like this all the time eh? You need to do something as you will be stuck like this for a long time. I was depressed for a long time several things happened and it got too much. I went to the doctors after feeling so down. He told me to try citalopram. I did I was on it for 2 1/2 years it was weird but I needed the lift then. I came off them 1 year ago. Everything seems better now I can handle stuff better and approach things better. I would love to be there now and take you to the docs my self! But only you can do that. I just feel sad as the longer you leave it the worse it gets. I know this now and its easy for me to say. But I know in time you could feel better. Please try to go to the docs. Get some help and get your life back that YOU deserve.

Also I think tell you DP how you feel maybe he could get a bit of time off work to take you to the docs? If you cant do this just try and go there yourself. Or try ringing the doctors and explaining over the phone how you feel?

Thank you so much for your reply, Scruffyhound.

I am in tears now as I know I deserve to be happy - as does everyone.

I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel so pathetic. My family thought the move would be the best thing to happen for DS and I: better quality of life and all that... yet, I feel so empty here. I have nothing.

DP and DS deserve so much better than me. I feel totally worthless.

I will try pluck up the courage to make an appointment with the doctor. You're right. I cannot carry on this way, my life isn't worth living.

Thank you again.

I'm so sorry, Scruffyhound. I am so wound-up in myself.

It's good to hear you've come out of that dark tunnel. How long on the citalopram before you started feeling better?

Hey no need to say sorry to me! Im just some random weirdo! Well im not that weird just thought it might make you smile? But really there is no need to say sorry. I have been where you are I totally understand dont you worry. Im only here to offer you some sort of support and to let you know you will not always feel like this. It will pass but for how long it goes on depeneds when you start with the help this is up to you really. It took me a while to go to the doctors and sort it out. You have made the first step thats admitting there is something wrong and your not feeling your self thats a big step! The next one is to get some help I know you feel down and dont want to go out. But you really must try and get some help weather its a chat line or the docs. Maybe tell the docs about how you feel they may take an exception and come out to you. (This would not happen in the UK unless your very very ill)! There are always means and ways also what about a UK charity MIND are good go to the website and e mail or ring if you can? There is all sorts of support out there you just need to reach out and grab it just how you go about it is up to you. I think the citalopram took about 3 weeks to kick in. Im not saying drugs are what you need im no doc but you do need help and advise the doc normally knows! So come on e mail some charity or ring the docs now go on do it! Take that next step to feeling better. I dont want to make you cry but you cant carry on like this. You know you should have better.

deepdeepdown - Yes, you do have to take the plunge and tell him the truth. He is trying to rationalise your behaviour but depression isn't rational to people who haven't experienced it. I had to quit a job once, because I couldn't deal with it - hyperventilating, nightmares etc. No one would ever have understood at the time. During my twenty or so years that I was in some stage of depression, I had all the excuses for everything. Anything but tell the truth, because the vulnerability of having to admit the kind of thoughts that went through my head - I thought my friends would abandon me in droves. Also I was terribly proud.

I can't but help thinking that there is a strong chance you have some unresolved issues going, possibly, way back, that that the move and the distance from your family has exacerbated them. Does that seem a possibility?

Regardless, you need to speak to someone professional. It may only take 6 appointments, or possibly more, but it helps to talk and get it out, instead of bouncing around inside your head with no resolution or reasoning beyond your own. It was the best thing I ever did, but you have to find the right person.

Does any of that seem to 'fit' your situation?

Hello DeepDeepDown. Sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time.

Living in another country is really really tough - I live in France and I have, at times, felt like you. Before moving here I did loads of travelling and it didn't occur to me that I would find it so hard to live in France. However travelling and living overseas are entirely different things.

I know how you are feeling and it is so so hard, you poor thing.

If you are anything like me helpful suggestions as to how to make things better actually make you feel worse because it seems such an effort to do anything. You need to take things at a manageable pace and little by little you will start to feel you are getting things under control and everything will seem like less of an enormous challenge gradually.

Please do pop over to the overseas section of MN. We regularly have good old moans about what we find hard about the countries we live in. Your comment about groomed women hit a note with me - I often go to Switzerland and the women are even more groomed than they are here in France. They all have that smooth, tanned, swishy hair, expensive looking clothes thing going on. (I am nothing like this BTW but sometimes have groomed French women comment nicely on how I dress - probably seems quirky to them even though it isn't really. I know some of my French friends are almost in awe of my lack of botheredness about how 'chic' I am).

Although it does sound like you are depressed, it sounds to me as though you have become depressed due to your homesickness. I went through a patch where DH thought I was depressed and although I was unhappy and very tired emotionally, it was all down to homesickness and not 'real' depression.

Good for you for going swimming - doing sport will make you feel better and is something you like that you are doing for you. I found the things that made me feel better in the beginning were things that I liked doing back at home (rather than jumping in to scary evening classes in a foreign language in an effort to 'meet people' or something.)

I hope you are feeling ok today - sending you lots of support and I know how it feels vibes .

Forgot to say, my DH has sometimes said that it is 'like you don't want to be happy'. My answer was that I felt like I had had a rug pulled out from under my feet and that I didn't know how to be happy here.

I hated how it made me feel as a person because I didn't feel like myself and I suddenly didn't know who to behave any more. I just sort of switched off I think.

Does this make any sense to you?

Hi

Just wanted to say that I was just thinking of you. I reread my post and I think it was perhaps silly to think you may have unresolved issues. I think that was just one of my problems when I lived in France. It was like my little bit of insecurity that I had when I went there, just grew into a giant deep hole that I began to sink into. This doesn't mean your situation is similar. Depression can creep up on us in all manner of ways.

I think Beachcomber talks so many wise words of wisdom - and it sounds like there is a great support group in the overseas section.

Lots of luck with it all.

gladis

Thanks so much for your replies.

gladis, I have always battled with self-esteem issues. For as long as I can remember, I've never felt worthy. Fat, ugly and dumb. I'm a sibling of successful brothers and a sister who've all gained fantastic qualifications/lead wonderful lives.

Yes, I believe this move has heightened those anxieties. I've never had close relationships with people (except for the wrong sorts) as I find it very difficult engaging on any kind of personal level, so I can't understand how I ever thought living abroad it'd be any different. I obviously didn't think at all.

Beachcomber, thanks for your words.How long've your been in France and how do you manage on a day-to-day basis?

I'm persevering with the swimming. Going twice a week - will do my best to stick with it. It's at least something. I certainly need the fresh air.

Still getting that big stunning-women-everywhere-I-go slap-in-the-face. Everywhere I go! Always leaves me feeling even more deflated. I can't even find it in me to make an effort with my appearance. I'm terrified DP will look elsewhere and I'll have nobody but myself to blame.

Had words with DP again this morning. "We [meaning me] keep saying we're gonna do something - driving lessons, language school, but we [meaning me] are not doing anything". He wants to have a proper talk tonight. What if I totally break down? Not sure he (or I) will be able to handle it.

Honesty might be the best start. And you might have to say it several times over before he understands. Honey, I'm trying to hide it from you, but I'm suffering from terrible depression at the moment, essentially because of the move, and yes, I would love to snap my fingers and get over it, but that's not likely to happy because it's not such a straight forward problem to have. I think I need to talk to someone about it.

Or show him this posting? Or might that be a bit much to deal with. I used to be terribly depressive with atrocious self esteem. But not now. And I know many others the same. You can move on, and life is much sweeter out the other side, but it generally takes counselling of some kind. You know, people to ask those difficult questions. I love that I like myself (mostly). I used to hate everything about myself (no one realised). My counsellor asked me to write a list of the things I liked about myself once, and I wrote nothing. I wanted to put things like 'I'm not too bad at....' or 'I can be ok at.....' or 'sometimes I'm quite good at....' but she wouldn't let me. I had to write 'I am good at....' or 'I like ....about myself' and I couldn't write a single thing.

How did last night go Deepdeepdown?

I can relate to how hard it is to let DP know just how down you are so I am thinking of you.

Hi, ladies, and thanks again for your replies.

Well, DP, didn't really raise the subject that night. To be fair, neither did I. It was once we were in bed that I let out a little. DP told me it'll take small changes and to do whatever makes me happy - whether it be shopping, sauna, whatever. If only it were that easy...

I feel like such a disappointment. He thought we'd all be happy here together. I hoped for it, too. In reality, it couldn't be going any worse. I worry terribly about DS and whether this move was the right thing to do.

DS has been ill the past few days, so we've all been housebound and it's really done me in. I told DP sunday that I felt like a walk. He wanted to know to where. I told him "anywhere, just want to get out"! He just doesn't seem to get it. I never made that walk and ended up feeling very low indeed.

Saw my GP yesterday, had an appointment. She prescribed me Paroxetine, 20mg per day. She said it'll life my mood so as I can start to see things/assess my situation a little more clearly without all the cloud. I'm to return to see her in 2 weeks.

I haven't started taking them yet. I know I need to take something, but I'm terrified of taking these drugs... What if they make me worse?... What if I can't stop taking them?... Is it all worth it?...

What are your experiences of anti-depressants?

Really appreciate you taking the time.

I also live abroad, it's very isolating at times. YOu are probably under a lot more stress than you realise.
Changing your circumstances will undoubtedly ease your current depression. The problem is that that would take some enormous leaps of faith (admitting you made a mistake by moving abroad for example! willingness to re-start your life; analyzing your relationship; asking your partner to move back home with you- that sort of thing)
IF your partner is not the father of your child, then that gives you a lot more leeway when it comes to any decisions.

IT's strange that he's looking for houses. It should be a joint venture, somewhere you can both put your hearts into.

sorry,I just read your last post.
re. the walk. I do think that's controlling behaviour on his part. You should just be able to breezily say "I'm off out for a bit, for a walk" without him giving you the third degree. I'm not surprised you felt worse: the walk would have made you feel less trapped in the house.
Do you drive?

Hi, Sakura.

How long've you been abroad?

As I said to my GP, I'd love to go home, but DP's business is here, it wouldn't be fair to uproot/resettle DS again and I feel like I should be enjoying this place. I just want to feel that I actually am/could.

DP thinks a bigger property - something we move in to together will make a difference. He's still trying, I guess, to make things better for me.

DP's not controlling. I didn't explain the (walk) situation properly. I asked DP if he'd like to come with me (as it was starting to get dark). That was mid afternoon. Once we'd had dinner, I figured he'd forgotten and I didn't mention it again. I could've gone for a walk alone, I suppose.

I don't drive, but definitely will have to start lessons. Once I feel motivated...