Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

rhk where is your chocolate, on the roof? I don't think any chocolate is worth breaking your neck over, well not much. Might risk a step ladder for those lindt chocolate ball things..
It's a pity the psychologist didn't have a lot of time after telling you she would have a catch-up. I'm guessing things changed, perhaps your daughter's meeting went on longer than they had imagined.
I know you think it is because she doesn't like you and it probably doesn't matter if I say she probably was under a lot of time pressure. I might be right you know and she has nothing against you at all. You could always try imagine scenarios where she was in a huge hurry to talk somebody down from a roof and couldn't chat. Or something similar, basically something that isn't a slur on your personality.
You are lovely, it's not you!!!!
It's really snowing over here.
Are your children back now?

Not on the roof, on the top of the cupboard at the back, so I need the step ladder and a balancing act, but at least the chocolates safe.

I really do get she's busy, I just need to get a grip and stop feeling sorry for myself about all this, and if the wee people in my head would shut up for long enough I could probably hear that.

I've just had another email off my uncle telling me that my gran has been in hospital since Friday, she fell and broke her hip.
This is killing me, I want to see her, but even going myself I risk seeing my mum and dad and I dont think its safe or wise to risk that.

We had alot of snow this afternoon, my oldest had his friends over, seven 16 yr olds is not my idea of fun, was panicing they were going to get snowed in.

The wee ones are back, he brought them back early as he had to get home for work, he asked for them early on Friday but turned up late and today brought them back 2 hrs early.
My youngest was sick all Friday night and still doesn't look too good but better be well enough to go into school this week. My daughter is still not well, think I may as well open a pharmacy the amount of medicines I have in the house.

Hi rhk,
that does sound dreadful, the 16 year olds. I was laughing at you hoping they didn't get snowed-in.
You would run out of food within a day with that many teenagers.
I'm glad the children are back, even though they don't sound in great shape. Now you will be a bit busier and the wee voices won't have as much time to feed you the rubbish they enjoy feeding you.
How upsetting about your gran, I'm sorry to her that news. Can you phone the hospital and explain the situation? Or just sneak in when it isn't visiting time, they might let you have 5 minutes if you turn up a bit late (because of the snow).
I hope she is out of hospital soon.
The snow has eased off here, so probably have to go to work tomorrow - boo!

I'd love to be able to sneak in and see her but she's a 2 hr bus journey away :( I dont even know what ward she's in, but will try phoning the hospital in the morning and hopefully they will give me some infomation since my uncles is not much.

It feels like one thing after another, I cant wait to see the back of this year, its been horrible.

The snow has stopped here for now, so fingers crossed it will stay off and the kids will get the last 3 days at school.

rhk I hope you can get a bit of information about your gran. Perhaps the nurses will be sympathetic to your situation.

It has been a hard year for you, but it's that kind of hardness which actually gets you somewhere. Kind of like having to sit an exam or give a presentation, you dread it and it's gruelling, but you do feel better after.
I don't think you do feel better, but even if you don't now, I think you will after all the work you have put in.
You have pretty much sorted out your daughter and son's access to their dad. Although, he is never going to be easy, it does seem to be settling down a little bit and giving you some time to yourself, which you don't seem to like. But look on the bright side, it gives you lots more time to entertain dozens of 16 year olds.
What else? You have made some real progress with your psychiatrist and are settling with her, although you still think she is avoiding you, it is progress.
You have sorted out your meds a little. How is that going, are you feeling better now you have the medication that was cancelled?
Your daughter has been offered help and the problem has been recognised finally.
And you have found a cool new place to hide your chocolate.
Not bad for a year's work!
I think the councils have got over their shock at snow falling from the sky. Rather than just stare at the clouds and look surprised, they have finally got things moving. Most of the buses were running here, unless you live on a hill and there were a lot more ploughs and gritters.

She's dead, my granny is dead and I dont know what to do :(

rhksmum - so sorry to hear your sad news.

You say you don't know what to do - what would you like to do and what is stopping you doing something helpful? Sending you safe hugs xx

Oh no! I'm so sorry rhk! There isn't really anything to say, but that she has obviously given you a lot of happiness and support over the years and that is a such a lot. I'm sure she has been happy to be there for you and give you the love she has given you and has helped to give you a good role model, when you really needed one.
I don't know but you seem such a lovely person, I think she must have had quite an influence.
So sorry sweetie!
I know this is irrelevant, but I lost my much-loved nan in January and she will never ever be forgotten. She was becoming quite ill and losing her memory and I kind of think she thought 'that's enough now!' and went when she was ready. She did have a nice life and everyone who met her really took to her, I don't think there's much more you can ask.

I was just thinking, you might not be able to go to the funeral for various reasons. Are you thinking about whether to attend?
It is a lovely way to mark the passing of a loved person, but if you can't go then I think she would have been happy for you to mark her passing in an unofficial, personal way.
Take care!

This hurts soo much, I've just come in and there is christmas cards here, my last ever grandaughter card, but I'm not even that now, I'm no one, a nobody.
She was the closest thing I had to a mum, she made me safe when I was with her, she protected me from my dad and now she's gone and I couldn't protect her from all this, I didn't get to say goodbye, didnt get to see her because I was too scared of seeing my dad :(

If I go to the funeral I have to go myself, I cant take the kids because my arsehole of an ex would have grounds to take them from me according to my lawyer, hes started his shite already over christmas.

This is killing me, it all hurts so much, I've never felt pain like this before
I'm sorry, I just dont know what to do, how to act, how its supposed to be

Been thinking about you today hun - a lot. Am around if you need to talk.

If you want to say goodbye can you find out where she is (chapel of rest) and when you could privately say goodbye?

I can't imagine the size of the hole in your life...

Here for you xxxx

This is too hard
Christmas tomorrow, not ready, cant do it, cant stop the tears, struggling to breath.

Why now?
why he? she was the best, she was good, and shes gone and I dont know what to do :(

rhk I'm so so sorry about your gran. You are bound to be sad and miserable, she sounds like a lovely, kind woman who has helped you through a lot.
I agree you do need to find a way to show your love and to celebrate her life and mark her passing.
I don't know if she will have a grave or have her ashes scattered, but any ceremony you can have with the children would be helpful for you. It doesn't have to be big and you don't necessarily have to go to the 'official' ceremony, just something to show your feelings and support each other.
I'm so sorry this is such a hard time for you.

This is too hard, it hurts soo much
I dont think I can do this, I miss her soo much.
Kids seem happy enough with what they got, although the boys are fighting over who gets on xbox first, but thats nothing new.

My friend is coming over later to takeus to hers as she is worried about me she says, she thinks I'm not safe and I guess shes right.
I dont want my kids to hate christmas like I do, to have bad memories of christmas like I do, I wouldnt do anything today, for their benefit but i dont know about tomorrow or the next day or day after.

Thankyou everyone for your support over the past year, and I hope you all have a nice christmas

Merry christmas to you abd your family.

Think of you often but poorly baby has taken over my life!

All the best xxx

Hairymelons

Thankyou,
I hope things get better for you soon, I'm not much good to anyone right now but if there is anything I can do please yell, you have been a great support and I hope I could return the favour

xx

sending you good wishes today rhksmum xx

Hi Rhk,
I hope you got through Christmas and can put it behind you.
I did Christmas this year and then we had to got DP's folks' so I haven't been able to get online for a couple of days, but I have been thinking of you.
Your friend sounds lovely and very supportive. How did you get on at her house?
I hope you are able to recall the lovely memories of your gran and the things you shared. I know it is hard, but I don't think she would have wanted you to feel you couldn't go on.
Did you have snow last night? We were driving home in the snow and it was awful. I thought any minute we were going to slide across the road and fall down a hill. Luckily it turned into rain as soon as we hit the outskirts of Edinburgh, but I was on the edge of the seat most of the journey.

rhksmum, thank you. I'm ok, very lucky to have lots of RL support. Just not much use to anyone else either ATM. But things will get better and I'll be back xx

Rhk just wanted to say 'hi' and see how you were doing.

I cant get the images out my head, they're all mixed up.
Horrible horrible nightmares last night, my gran was cremated yesterday, theres nothing left of her, shes totally gone and it hurts soo much, but I cant get rid of the images of her being cremated, she wasn't dead she was screaming for me to help her, but my dad wouldn't let me help her, he stood and watched, he laughed, he tried to put me in the coffin with her.

I dont know how to get them to go away.
She's really gone, never coming back, never going to make me feel that safe way she managed to do, I feel so alone, empty, and lost :(

rhk I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply. My internet has been off for the past few days, just got back on tonight.
You poor thing having those awful dreams. Have you been able to have some kind of memorial for yourself and the children. They could probably do it for you, if you don't feel up to it.
This is a very tough time for you, I hope you are getting as much support as you can.
I also hope this is a happy new year for you, you have achieved so much in the past year, this year you will be able to build on it. You have the counselling with your daughter, time to yourself when the younger ones go to their dad's and lots of teenage boys to eat you out of house and home.
Hope the chocolate stash is still hidden away.

Not been able to get hold of her since New Years Eve

Thank you for letting me know Madmouse.
Rhk I hope you are OK and feel up to coming back on here soon. We are all here to support you and try to put a smile back on your face, even if you can't imagine that.

rhk are you there? I hope you are just taking some time out and come back on soon.