Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

Psychoogist is Friday, feel sick at the thought of going to see her, struggling with secrets and what she now knows about me, guess I'm waiting on her hating me and because she hasn't so far I'm wobbling.

Haven't seen my cpn in 4 weeks because of the weather, and have her this week too.
My daughter has her assesment at Cahms this week to.

Right now I just want to close my eyes and sleep through it all

Leaving wardrobe good idea - fresh perspective, with another pair of eyes always helps. If you were anywhere near me I have someone I could send who thinks those things are fun - teh only person in the world I think.

Am sure things will be easier after your appointment tomorrow, hope it goes ok for you x

Appointment went ok I think, we spoke about my meds and decided that they will get changed in January as I'm not able to cope with christmas at the best of times but to have to reduce my meds just now would probably not be a good idea.
I didn't shed one tear when I was in there but have certainly made up for it now, I have all these feelings that I dont know what to do with, I want to cut so badly but the kids are here, cant keep the pretence up that everything is fine to them and everyone else.

Tried phoning psychologist to try and talk things through but haven't heard back from her, shouldn't really be surprised :(

Came home to no hot water or heating and cant phone council till kids have cleared there rooms as they are a mess and council will need in there.

Rhksmum - glad they heard you about not changing meds over Christmas. It is ok to cry, I cry after appointments sometimes. Do leave a message with psychologist - it is a busy time, so a message helps but am sure you already done so.

Oh dear, no hot water? Have you checked your boiler - sometimes ours blows out and needs re-lighting... it is in the garage and bit cold/windy in there sometimes. Could you make yourself a hot water bottle and snuggle up?

I feel so bad crying, felt so bad for psychiatrist today because I still felt like shit and he was trying to help me.
Did leave a message with psychologist to phone me back but should know by now that she doesn't, another lesson not learnt :(

Boiler is always breaking down but I'm not due an upgrade intil 2015, until then they will just keep patching it up
It's fixed for now and they will come tomorrow to replace another part.

rhk I'm glad to hear your boiler is fixed. Not really the weather for sitting around without heating.
It sounds as if the boiler people made it through your kids' bedrooms successfully.
It does sound sensible to keep your meds the same over Christmas, it can be a very pressurised time. It is just a day, but there is a kind of expectation that you WILL be happy.
Don't torment yourself with thoughts about how the psychologist will see you. They aren't right, she is a professional, she is there to help not judge you. I can't believe she would do the job if she didn't feel compassion and a desire to help people like you.
It is so hard what you are going through, but you are doing so, so well. I can't believe that she pinpointed the 'parts', it seems like a real breakthrough to me. Not that I know much about it.
Is there much on this week with the school?
I've got the nativity on Wednesday, sniff!

Kids aren't doing anything at school this week, my youngests disco was supposed to be on Wednesday but it's been cancelled because of the weather. Dont think there is anything planned for next week either.

Am just hoping this weather thats due to hit us on Thursday isn't as bad as it's supposed to be, not sure I could cope with all that again.

I wish I was a tortoise and I could hibernate through all this, to wake up when the bad weather is gone, to avoid one of the hardest parts of the year, but I cant, it feels like I'm being punished for it all, having to relive it over and over again :(

Hi Rhk
I know the snow is a bit of a nightmare for anything other than a bit of sledding. The main thing is that the buses keep going, so at least you can get to where you want to go. It is pretty though, particularly at night or early evening when the lights reflect on the snow.
Is Christmas a bad time for you just because of the pressure or was that a time you remember being particularly bad with your parents?
Did you manage to wrap anything yet? Still no wrapping going on here! Haven't even posted cards, oh well. Hopefully they will get them by Hogmanay.
Have you got ice over your way?
I have spent an hour hacking the ice off the pavement outside so it doesn't get covered by another layer on Thursday. There is an old lady in our street with a zimmer and she has been housebound because the pavement is such a nightmare. At least now she can get to her taxi and go to bingo. I don't think she has won much, or perhaps she is a multi-millionaire and it's all stuffed in her mattress?

Well its official my daughter is the way she is because of me, I've f*cked her up but having depression and BPD, she doesn't have any mental health issues, she has emotional and anger management issues, but nothing else.

Feel like my whole life was put under a microscope in there, no blame attached to her dickhead of a dad, yet again he came up smelling of roses.

Whats the point, I give up :(

RHKS even if that is true rather than what I fear is the meeting seen through your eyes it is still the fault of the people who abused you and the fault of your illness - you haven't exactly screwed her up out of choice or for the fun of it.

Anger management issues - now there's an understatement....what help will they give her?

Here to talk if you want to xx

I should NEVER have had kids, I'm too f*cked up, everything I touch goes bad :(

Appointment with psychologist on friday has been cancelled she gave me the choice of appointment going ahead or her going to review at Cahms, wanted to be selfish and say can I keep my appointment, dont care what happens at review but couldn't.

I'm so tired, just want to collaspe in a corner and cry without worrying if its the wrong thing to do, I'm questioning everything I do, and most of the time I can convince myself I'm wrong.

If they decide to help her it will be a few sessions to help with her anger, thats it.

Rhk it's not your fault. Madmouse is right, you didn't set out to be abused by your parents and then have to deal with the subsequent feelings.
There is no perfect parent, OK you do have a lot to deal with, but your love your children and do the best you can.
It's done now, nobody is blaming you, perhaps the circumstances aren't ideal, but most parents beat themselves up about making mistakes. It isn't a reason to give up though, something you learn from and forgive yourself for. You are lovely and kind and have dealt with a horrible past with grace, courage and humility.
I can almost see you shaking your head, because you don't like/believe good things about yourself, but that's what I think so you will have to lump it!
On the positive side she will, hopefully, get the anger management sessions. Sometimes it is enough to go along and get that support and change of perspective.
Cry in the corner if you need to, it is a good way of relieving the sadness.
Well done on getting through the assessment in one piece. Now have a whole box of chocolates!

Your both probably right, I'm just so tired of them blaming my mental health, the house move, school move, anything really on her behaviour. I know all of that probably hasn't helped but then neither has using that as a reason for it. 4 years on and we are still in the same possition.

I'm so tired of fighting this, tired of everything being a battle, but well guess thats life.

Psychologist will phone me after meeting on friday to tell me whats to happen, but I dont hold out much hope for anything, hopefully with my psychologist fighting my corner things will happen.

I agree rhk it is a bit lazy of them. You must be fed-up of listening to them.
Even if it is the house move and school move etc... what are they doing about it! It's nothing you could have controlled and you have done everything for the best reasons.
Most things are a weigh-up of pros and cons, so there will always be cons even if you have made the best decision.
I think you should have a great big huff and storm out, slamming the door - like a teenager. That would give them something to complain about!
I hope the psychologist gets things moving for you.
Did you have some chocolate?

No didnt get any chocolate, my secret stash seems to have been found

Cpn is due in this afternoon and is going to go through what I would like to happen at the review tomorrow, she says shes relieved that psychologist is going as they both want my daughter to get some help, so I guess thats a good thing.
I really dont think they will be able to do anything, I dont think anyone really gives a monkeys what goes on in here aslong as it doenst spill out into the community then its not a problem.

Had a lovely email(not) from my uncle last night, informing me that they weren't going to bother coming to see the kids this christmas like they usually do, we're not worth them making the effort anymore now that my gran cant nag them to get them to bring her through. If I want the kids presents then I have to go through for them, and that wont be happening.
I've already lost it with my youngest this week as he keeps going on and on about going through, how he misses my gran, he wants to see her, but he cant, we can never go through again unless my mum and dad move or die, but how do you tell a 10 yr old that.

Have Gp with my daughter again this afternoon, he swab result is back and she needs more meds, she also has no voice still and is still breathless, so we will see what they have to say.

Am so pissed off with everything just now, I just need a break, I need it all to stop just for long enough for me to catch my breath, but then if that happens I get the chance to think and right now thats not a good idea :(

rhk you have to take your secret stash, put it in a chest and bury it at the end of the garden.
Then whenever you feel like some chocolate, you just tell the children you are going to dig your vegetable patch. They'll never catch on.
You can't get much more help for tomorrow, so I am crossing my fingers they can get some kind of support for your daughter.
Not very kind of your uncle to tell you to come over. Do you know why they aren't coming?
Can the children not go to any family members' houses because of the social service order?
Is there anyone in your family who can help you to see your granny or is it just not going to happen? Or send her a card from all of you, so your youngest could feel he was doing something?
Is your granny compos mentis, or would she struggle to remember you and the children even if you went?
I didn't see my nan for a couple of years before she died and she was my most significant, important relative. The main thing was that she was being looked after and was comfortable, but I have no excuse for not going to see her. I think you have a large number of reasons for not seeing your gran.
If there is no going over, perhaps the uncle will post the presents. A small, select Christmas might be better in some ways. Just enjoying the break with no pressure to visit family. Get out the food and watch the films. Nothing wrong with that.

Think your right about the chocolate stash.

My uncle used to bring my gran through every christmas so she could see the kids, last year was the last year they were through.
He said in his email that it wasn't worth his while coming through, that he wasn't going out his way to make sure my kids got christmas presents, that we weren't worth it. There probably isn't any presents, its all to make me feel like crap, and its working.
I dont have much family, there was my aunty and uncle, my mum and dad and my sisters.
When my gran didnt have contact with my mum and dad I was able to go through and see her, but when she became ill 2 years ago she let them back in her life and that was when social work told me that the children couldn't go through, there was the risk of them being there when I went and they weren't sure if I would be able to protect them.

My gran is not with it at all, when we last saw her she thought my daughter was me:(
We sent cards to her so hopefully she will get them and I will have flowers sent to her aswell for christmas, but thats all I can do.

My daughter was back at the doctors today and has more antibiotics, has been given an inhaler and stuff for thrush in the mouth. She has to go back to the doctors on monday and if shes no better she will be sent for chest x-ray and to see the paediatrician(sp) they are worried that what happened in April will happen again.

She is seeing her dad this weekend so he needs to be told all this and that she is to take it easy, but since he doesn't listen to me it's going to be really hard.

Hi rhk,
you are right, your uncle is an idiot for behaving like that. Not sure why he would come over all those other times and this time not bother.
As you say, you have done everything you can about contacting your Gran. Is she is a home or residential care, or use any social services or health care services? I'm just wondering if there is any other way of checking to see how she is other than through your family.
If not I really think you have done all you can, short of singing carols outside her window.
Your poor daughter sounds in a bit of a mess. Do you think she should just stay home in bed instead of going to your ex. It doesn't sound as if she is in any fit state to be going to see him.
Have you heard anything from your cpn or psychologist about your daughter's meeting today?
Now off you go and get a spade to bury the chocolate.

My gran is in a nursing home, I have phoned them a couple of times but my mum has tols them they aren't allowed to tell me anything, I have to leave my phone number for her to phone me back, like that will happen.

My daughter wants to go, but is nervous yet again. I spoke to her dad this morning but dont know why I bothered, told him she couldn't go swimming, he said we weren't anyway which is fine, that she was to take it easy and told him what meds she was on, he didn't say anything, there was complete silence from his end, wtf is his problem, am so sick of him. My daughter said its ok mum I'll try and manage my medicines, dont worry about him. He then went on to ask her if he could come early for them, which in itself isn't a problem but he has been told he isn't to ask them, he either asks me or speaks to the lawyers.

Meeting is at 12, so wont hear from psychologist until later on today.

Was supposed to have social work visiting at 11.30 but no surprise there they haven't turned up yet

Social work didn't turn up because they weny to the meeting, they thought I wold be there so were going to speak to me then.

Psychologist phoned, all of 3 minutes on the phone, my daughter is to get anger management sessions, also some one will do some work with the both of us to try and salvage the relationship, to help me deal with her outbursts, but they dont know who will do the work, they need to have another meeting to work that out.
She asked if I thought that was ok, and it is, its more than I thought they would ever offer, but I'm very sceptical, until it happens I cant build my hopes up, but I'm also scared, if she gets the help and we get the help together then I have to talk about me, I have no excuse not to and I'm terrified.

That was it, that was all the conversation we had, I thought I guess wrongly that because my session was cancelled for today because she was going to the meeting that there might be a chance to talk about things that are in my head right now, but we couldn't and now I think shes pissed off with me, its stupid I know but I have this feeling of dred in my tummy that I'm missing something, that something is going on behind the scenes that I wont like.

I know the conversation was a factual, solution focused conversation - not the type of conversation you can may have had if you saw the psychologist, but it sounds encouraging that it will be more than anger management sessions.

If you can't say to your psychologist what you need to right now, does writing it down help, or having a positive conversation in your head instead of a negative one? I know you dont get the feedback, but sometimes I found it helpful.

rhk I agree that is real progress. I know you are sceptical about anger management, but I have an old friend who attended anger management and it has changed his life. I think it is a weight off of his shoulders to have a way of coping with his anger. He had problems from his childhood which had never been resolved, not abuse, but his perception of abandonment. I'm not sure he was abandoned, but I don't think you can tell that to a small child.
Sounds scary about telling your daughter about yourself, but you will probably be surprised. She may find it easier to cope with her frustration if she understands your perspective on things after your parents' abuse. She may even become an ally.
Did you try to talk to your psychologist about your own feelings and she had to cut you off?

Or is it your naughty imagination, running away with you! [shaking my head]
Is it snowing over there. We have had very cold weather, but it's starting to warm up to almost freezing and there are some clouds gathering. Hope I can't get to work tomorrow.

she made it clear at the start of the conversation that she had things to do and was only phoning to tell me about the meeting, I couldn't get any words out to say I needed to talk, guess she caught me off guard. Worst thing is I've gone back to my old coping mechanisms, and since kids are away this weekend I have no one to hide it from, no one to stop doing it for :(

I've wrapped up some presents today but had to stop, too many triggers, too many memories and flashbacks, it was like I could almost touch them, they were so real.

It was snowing this morning not too bad, enough to leave a tiny layer on the ground up here but in the town it was just manky slush.
It's not too cold, warmer than it has been, but it will be waiting for my heating to break before it gets really cold again.

Hi - can you get some more chocolate, think a new stash is a great idea.

It is good your psychologist said she was busy but still phoned you to say what was happeneing re your daughter instead of a letter being sent. Am sorry you didn't get the time you would have wanted, but sometimes workers are very busy and have lots of people to deal with and I guess it wasn't an option that day to spend time with you - but it is great that you can have that extra contact and you wanted to have it, if that makes sense.

Yes have lots of chocolate stashed away, will probably breakmy neck trying to get it but at least the kids wont reach it

I get she's busy and if she had said on Tuesday I will phone you friday and let you know how the meeting went then I would have known that that was all the phone call was about, but she had said we would have a catch up since my session had had to be canceled because she was going to the meeting.
I'm just being stupid, I'm just feeling really paranoid and this time of year is horrible for me so thats adding to it all :(