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Original poster

My daughter has had an abortion

257 replies

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 06:35

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 18/10/2023 06:38

You dont say a word about this to your daughter. If you want to talk to someone, arrange it with a counsellor.

Onlywords · 18/10/2023 06:38

She made the right decision for her. It was her decision to make not yours. It sounds like some counselling would be helpful for you.

cryinglaughing · 18/10/2023 06:38

Nothing to do with you, stop navel gazing and be there for your dd if she needs/wants you.

LydiaTomos · 18/10/2023 06:40

This was her decision alone. Be there for her, but don't share your feelings.

ShoesoftheWorld · 18/10/2023 06:40

I can only urge you not to express any - any - of these feelings to her.

She made a choice that is her right and that she is content with. She doesn't have to feel guilt or anguish over it just because that fits into your pro-life narrative. You also have no business feeling guilt or 'that she made the wrong decision' on her behalf. Tell yourself that firmly when these feelings come up. Remind yourself 'This is not my situation'.

Respect (I would admire) her clarity of mind and of knowing what she wants and can handle, and love her.

Soontobe60 · 18/10/2023 06:40

I think you need to keep your thoughts about your daughter’s choice to yourself otherwise your relationship with her may well suffer. She made her decision and that’s that. It’s over. All you need to do is show her you support her choice. It’s sad that you’re letting your feelings towards a bunch of cells overwhelm the feelings towards your actual child. In my opinion, pro life means supporting the life of the mother who has to deal with decisions over what to do with her body.

EasterIssland · 18/10/2023 06:41

Her body her choice. Not your choice. Same way you made your choice.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 18/10/2023 06:41

You are overlaying your own views too much here. She is 24 and capable of making her own decisions. You assume that her mental health will break down when the "weight of her decision kicks in'. Equally she may be and remain completely content with her decision, as many women are.

You need to stop using emotive language like 'save the life of my potential grandchild'. Do you feel like that every time she uses contraception?

It is good that you supported her to make her own choice. She has made it, and now you need to move on and let her do the same

Anyflippingname · 18/10/2023 06:43

These replies are quite harsh.

Your feelings are valid but, as I think you know, it isn't helpful to share them with your daughter.

I would try to arrange some private counselling.

Ultimately this was not your decision and you need to try and come to terms with what has happened. I find the serenity prayer helpful!

Hope you and your daughter are OK.

PS I think it's amazing that she shared this with you. She must really trust you.

Purplesocks27 · 18/10/2023 06:44

Although your daughter made the right decision for herself, I understand why you are devastated. I would struggle with my emotions in your situation too. I agree with other posters about getting counselling.

Sending hugs xxx

WaltzingWaters · 18/10/2023 06:46

I think you need to seek counselling yourself. As far as your Dd is concerned, she’s made what was the right decision for her. Please do not, ever, express any of your feelings regarding this matter to your Dd. You’ll only cause her to feel guilt and quite possibly push her away from confiding in you again.
You made your decision back when you fell pregnant and that was right for you. She has made the right choice for herself on this occasion following a difficult situation.

sparklefresh · 18/10/2023 06:47

Do NOT mention these feelings to your daughter. It was her body and her decision. Get some counselling for yourself if you need it.

ShoesoftheWorld · 18/10/2023 06:48

I think people are being quite robust (or 'harsh') because they can see that OP is making this about herself (and about her own decision 24y ago in some way) and see the risk that this could leak out into her relationship with her daughter and damage it beyond repair.

OP, is there something here, in how you feel about this, about your daughter's decision somehow rejecting your own, or her not being prepared to make the same 'sacrifice' you did (I ask this partly because you are thinking of the pregnancy in terms of the potential relationship to you - your 'potential grandchild')?

BigButtons · 18/10/2023 06:48

my daughter was 19 when she had a medical abortion during lockdown. I went with her to the clinic, saw the scans of the embryo etc. I was surprised by how INTERNALLY upset I was at losing a potential grandchild. I hadn’t expected that.
I understand you feelings on that score. But it was my daughter’s decision to make and my job to support her. It was the correct decision for her at the time.

itsallnewnow · 18/10/2023 06:51

I think it's ok to feel like this and abortion can really affect you even as a bystander. I went with a friend to support her and was surprised by how hard it hit me seeing the scan etc. The important thing op is to keep it to yourself it would be awful to burden her with your thoughts on this! She's probably made the right decision, it's one thing to have an unplanned pregnancy but a one night stand from a holiday is even more problematic really no hope of the father stepping up at all

Firsttimemum120 · 18/10/2023 06:51

this is a very odd post.

i am a mother to a daughter who thankfully is only 2 but I’d never in a million years in 20 years time feel guilty if she terminated a pregnancy her choice her body her life. Why would you not prefer for her to wait till she’s met a man and settled down and planned or unplanned pregnancy but be in a stable relationship. I’d never push these feelings onto a situation of my child’s it’s wrong. She didn’t want the pregnancy and fair play to her you need to let it go and get over it and wait to be a grandparent when your child is happy and settled in life.

Mummy08m · 18/10/2023 06:52

I think you need to move away from using phrases like "my potential grandchild", even just in your thoughts.

You have no ownership over any child your daughter might have. You have no ownership over her fertility potential or her body.

She may never have children. She may have another abortion in the future. None of this has anything to do with you.

She may have children in the future, and they won't be "yours". They will be hers.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. But none of any of this "belongs" to you.

TiredMamOfTwo · 18/10/2023 06:53

Get over yourself, it's her body her choice. Nothing to do with you.

Purplerain0505 · 18/10/2023 07:01

Surely you’d have felt panic and worry for your daughter having a child she didn’t want? And you mention her mental health - this could be a much bigger issue with an unwanted child.

She’s done what’s right for her and you need to see past your own feelings.

Immasucker · 18/10/2023 07:11

There are prolife charities that offer counselling following abortion - have a Google. The rest of the abortion industry isn't interested in your pain.

nibblessquibbles · 18/10/2023 07:13

Hey I get it. When I was her age I'd have had an abortion in that situation, no hesitation. As I am older and have 2 DC I feel differently and I am not sure I'd have felt the same way at mid 40s when I started dating again. There is something about having had a child that made me less inclined myself to abort.
But I'd never put my feelings onto another person and whilst it's amazing that you have had such a positive outcome from your early pregnancy, I hope you can appreciate there are lots of others who have struggled and have not had such a positive outcome. So try to use less emotive language and come to terms with her decision on your own or with support from elsewhere

Velvian · 18/10/2023 07:14

Do not put this on your daughter. I would worry that she may not be able to share any trauma she about it with you, as she may be aware of your feelings.

As a PP said, this experience does not belong to you, it belongs to your daughter.

Eddyraisins · 18/10/2023 07:15

TiredMamOfTwo · 18/10/2023 06:53

Get over yourself, it's her body her choice. Nothing to do with you.

This. How narcissistic.

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 07:17

I think it would be helpful to reframe this in your mind. These are your feelings, not your daughter’s.

I had an abortion in my twenties and have never regretted that decision.

I was relieved afterwards and absolutely knew if was the right decision for me. I didn’t want a child brought up without a father present, and wasn’t financially or emotionally secure enough to consider single parenthood.

I didn’t tell my mum as I didn’t want any outside pressure or to be made guilty about the notion of her future grandchild.

I rspoke to a counsellor as part of the abortion process (as all women do) and was able to view my early pregnancy as a collection of cells- at six weeks - no arms, legs- a tiny 5mm yolk sac, even a heart beat is not detectable at this early stage.

It might help if you could view it in this way x

This seems to have brought up all the feelings around your own past which you can’t help but feeling sentimental about a grandchild is simply torturing yourself with what ifs.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 18/10/2023 07:19

Is it about you, is it about your daughter or is it about a potential grandchild you are upset about?

You have to understand what it is that makes you feel guilty.

Your daughter has made her decision, and that's the right decision for her.

You might think that's not the right decision for you, or her, or the foetus, but that's not your decision to make.

Stay out of it, for the sake of your relationship with your DD and for her sake. Do you want her to have the same destructive feelings you have? Hope not, even if you think she's wrong.