My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

You have convinced yourself that your dd made the wrong choice. You’re assuming the only reason she terminated was because she was “frightened “

Now you’re convinced that once the weight of her decision hits her she’ll break down.

These are all really unhelpful assumptions.

Please try to see your daughter as a responsible adult who is capable of making her own informed decisions.

Most women do not carry trauma from terminating an unplanned fertilisation.

You have no ownership here- of your dds mind or body.
You must realise the fact that you regret not pressuring her to continue her pregnancy demonstrates how skewed and damaging your opinions are?

Great post! This is excellent advice.

My god but there are some harsh comments here 😱

OP has clearly said that she has and will continue to support her daughter in her decision

she is asking for advice on how to carry on doing that WITHOUT her daughter knowing that she’s having a quiet internal crisis.

I can only assume that these harsh comments are coming from mums of younger children

well let me tell you that no matter how old your child is, the moment they tell you there’s a baby your body/hormones/whatever does a flip, and when they say they can’t go through with it a little of you breaks. You have to hold your child while they go through the darkest most difficult things in their life, you have to smile and say the right things, hold them, support them and be there. All the while you inside you break, your child is hurting and dreams you didn’t know you had a gone

and it hurts

and all you can do is hide those feelings tell your body that there is do grandchild and hold tightly onto your adult baby and be strong

I say this as a mother who has gone through my childrens experience of abortion + miscarriage + baby’s

all three experiences are a rollercoaster of emotions that are surreal/painful/beautiful but above all are very very real

my advice to overthinker78 is to carry on with what you’re doing, be strong for your daughter , there will come a time when she questions her decision and you must convince her it was the right one .

go and get some grief counselling on the quiet it will help,

Absolutely this^^

This isn't about you or your feelings?

And it wasnt your grandchild or even a life, it was a bunch if cells just starting to join together

Actually made me so angry reading this. This isnt about you AT ALL. Why have you turned it into your feelings? You you you? You feel?

If her period was ever 2 weeks late do you sit around crying about your potential life of a grandchild then?

This has narcissism all over it

She made her choice because its right for her. You need to keep your thoughts to yourself . Her decision has nothing to do with you.

Stop making it about you.

The abortion is done and there isn’t anything that can change this.

As a parent, be supportive.

I understand that we can carry trauma or hurt from others, so I would say get help to sort out your feelings and talk through them with a councillor so that the relationship between you and your daughter isn’t affected.

She made a decision for herself and you are in your rights to grieve your grandchild (I want to add that although the woman always should rightly-so, make the decision about their pregnancy - there are studies that have shown how fathers react and long term trauma that they can feel) Some abortions do evoke a sense of grief (I have been there) and it should be processed like any other grief.

If she does come back to you with strong feelings, just be there for her. She might or might not regret it. She might or might not go through a slight dip. This might happen now or later.

Just be there for her and think about what she is gaining as well as what has been lost. I’m sure if she wants children she will and can make the decision later on in life.

At the end of the day no matter your feelings, she would be the one living that reality, and raising a child she did not want or feel ready for. Completely natural to have your own thoughts and feelings on the subject but as PPs have suggested, talk these through with someone else, not her. She is most likely going through enough hell already with her choice and doesn't need more to feel bad about

You have to hold your child as they go through the darkest time of their life

Unnecessary emotive language to describe a mother’s take on a daughter’s abortion.
And No a termination is not comparable to a miscarriage- two very different things.

I think one of the problems is that it is absolutely fine for a woman to both know that an abortion is absolutely the right choice for her and to be relieved when it's done, but to also feel regret that it was necessary. Pro lifers seize on this as "the weight of the decision hitting her." It's not-it's just what happens in life. "That was a decision I wish I hadn't had to make-but I am so thankful that I could make it."
@Overthinker78 I was surprised at myself for feeling sad about my "potential grandchild" too. But I feel so much more strongly that my dd was able to make an adult decision and not spend the rest of her life dealing with the consequences of one bad decision. Under NO circumstances tell your dd what you're feeling. She needs to carry on with her life. Don't hover round waiting for the "decision to hit her" Be the person she needs you to be.

Hi OP,

I think you're unfairly getting a hard time here.

You've been supportive of your daughter's choice but are privately struggling with it as it conflicts with your own beliefs.

I think it might help to explore these with a neutral counsellor (not an anti-abortion or pro-choice one).

Your daughter is very unlikely to develop mental health problems, it's unlikely she'll be 'hit' by any realisation or regrets. That's like anticipating her to develop post-natal depression or be hit by regret at being a single mum if she'd continued the pregnancy. Doesn't happen either way for the vast majority of women. You are projecting how you imagine you'd feel on her.

I don’t think that anyone is benefiting from the pro-life/pro-choice - black/white - rhetoric here tbh.

This thread is about a mother who is worried for their daughter fhs.

She’s been through a tough situation supporting her dd, and she’s allowed to feel whatever she feels about it! Her situation is complex, not black and white, because her daughter was a result of an unplanned pregnancy.

Op is not expressing these complex feelings to her dd, she is expressing them here! So have the decency to listen and respond, without judgement.

You made your decision 24 years ago. This decision was your DD's to make. She made her decision. There is no going back so respect her decision and let her move on with her life. Don't even mention to her anything about regret or upset later. Keep your thoughts in your head and share with a counsellor if you must but don't burden your DD with your thoughts.

Please don't discuss this with her unless she raises it first.

This is exactly why I didn’t disclose my abortion (in my twenties) to my family.

I didn’t want the responsibilities of my mother’s feelings. I can read her like a book so whatever she said I know she would have been overly sentimental and misty eyed about a grandchild and not at all realistic. And also fussing over me and expecting me to grieve.

I went on to have dc later and my mum has many grandchildren now. I’m so glad I didn’t complicate my choice back then by involving her.

I have no regrets, and carry no trauma at all.

I personally have experienced both - have you ?

trust me the pain is different but still pain

Also for everyone talking about boundaries between OP and her daughter. It sounds like you a have allowed your daughter to make the decision (if you feel sad - that is a natural reaction) and actually the fact that she has told you shows how strong your relationship must be. She Confinds in you. But I agree with the comments, when you are around her let her bring this up. Just be there for her as I said above.

As a parent we feel our children’s pain and we feel their happiness and sometimes we worry about them as if they are ourselves. Especially if you are more sensitive. But a decent parent knows that our children, whether young or adult have to make their own decisions and all we can do is be there for them. That never stops you from feeling or having your own opinion or thinking.

You are making this too much about you and your feelings. Your daughter is an adult and capable of making appropriate decisions for herself. You need to be very careful that you don't allow your feelings to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Please try and find something else to think about and focus on - eg work, a project, helping a local charity etc.

Your daughter is an adult and the decision was hers and hers alone to make- this isn't about you or the decision you had to make all them years ago. Not to say you can't have feelings over it but in my opinion, you need to try and look at this through a different lens.

Your daughter being able to make her own choice for her own body and life is a positive thing, you've brought her up to be like that, you should be proud she's making a decision which is best for her and her life.

This post is all about the OP as she is talking about her feelings. She has said she has been supportive to her daughter and won’t tell her how she feels. So she has come on here to talk about her feelings. So yes it is all about the OP.

It’s not like she has turned her back on her daughter for the decision she made, she has been and will be there for her

I agree

I think you need to speak to a professional about this. Firstly to come to terms with your feelings on it and secondly to get to the root cause of why you have no respect for your daughter’s body or choices - or any woman’s for that matter. How dare you make this all about you?

What part of;

“I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter”

indicates that op is making it “all about herself?”

She is posting precisely because she is conflicted but still wants to fully support her dd.

A freely-made decision to have an abortion is rarely regretted. The women that you see online with termination regret have usually been coerced in some way, either by a partner or by financial or medical circumstances.

Your dd doesn't fit into either of those boxes, so it's vanishingly unlikely she'll regret her choice and that it will have an effect on her mental health further down the line. The women I know who have had terminations don't regret them, they are completely neutral about them.

In short, Abortion regret is a thing made up by your pro-life pals. Stop wishing it on your DD.