My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

I’d just be focused on my kids. Future grandchildren wouldn’t enter my head and I don’t think it would most people.

Oh op I'm really sorry you're feeling these things because it sounds like you've been super supportive which is lovely.
I'm pro choice as you can be, but I also know the emotions around terminations are so awful, it's a loss at the end of the day. Even those feeling relief have sufferered a loss. Even the loss of potential life, is very sad Even if the abortion is the best decision that could have been made.

I think you could have really fucked up your relationship with your DD and possibly her future by interfering with her choice to terminate the pregnancy. I hope you feel that yourself in time 💐

After lockdown I fell pregnant with a much wanted baby and sadly needed to terminate (baby wasn't growing in my womb, I needed surgery) and I felt guilt and shame over the whole thing, regardless of logically continuing the pregnancy may have resulted in my own death.
I've a few weeks ago given birth to a beautiful daughter who wouldn't otherwise exist.

Maybe your DDs future holds a career or travel experience she'd have not been able to have, or she'll find a partner she'd have not met, or even if she chooses she'll have a pregnancy and she'll have a baby who's going to be born into no drama, just love.

Whatever her future holds it wasnt to continue with her pregnancy and as much as you can grieve that, you need to also focus on the wonderful things that life will provide for her.

I am sorry this has upset you so much and can only say you've been a wonderful mum to your DD for not putting this on her. May your wonderful relationship continue ❤

Be proud of your daughter. She has made a responsible decision to better herself, develop a career, and have a stable relationship and job before she even considers children, rather than struggle by with help from her family.

I had a termination 20 years ago around the same age as your DD is now.

It wasn't a difficult decision - I rang the GP as soon as I tested positive.

I've had absolutely no regrets whatsoever and it never had any impact upon my mental health. I have thought about it from time to time but only in a "wow, I'd have a 20yo now" kind of way - it was the right decision and it never upsets me.

I can't imagine how much more difficult it might have been with a forced birther in my midst. She'll be absolutely fine if you leave this be and keep all your thoughts to yourself.

You butt out. You did what was right for you, she did what was right for her.

You need serious therapy. This is triggering something in you, to do with your own decision, and your anti-abortion (can we please not use the weasel term ‘pro-life’?) views, and is absolutely nothing to do with your daughter, who made a sensible decision when facing an unplanned and unwanted, based on her own wishes.

Sort yourself out. And don’t assume her decision has any weight or will involve trauma. For many women it’s just a relief.

Feelings are not always valid actually

And not in this case when this is not about the OP, the OP is making it about herself. Others have set it out better than me but she is trying to claim or view the daughters body as owned by herself and its not.

Often people would do better to try to reframe their thoughts and manage their feelings and see them for what they are, errors and work on that, rather than view the feelings as all important that they need to be listened to/acted on.

I’m sorry you are being given such a hard time on this thread op. You sound like such a lovely mum and nowhere, at any point, did you say that you were intending to share your worries with your daughter.

I get it. Having been in a similar position that you dealt with differently, you are worried for your daughter’s mh. And your dd’s predicament has brought up some strong memories and feelings for you.

I think it’s only natural that you are worried for your daughter. The question is, is your reaction at a level that is appropriate to the circumstances? Some women do feel guilt and regret post abortion - there are threads about it on here - but others feel that they have done the right thing. If you are feeling overwhelmed with feelings about this, then you need to seek outside support.

There is never an easy outcome when it comes to an unwanted pregnancy. Both outcomes are hard. Perhaps you would benefit from having a few sessions with a licensed therapist to talk this through with them and enable you to step back a little from your dd’s situation?

Try and focus on the fact that your dd did what felt right for her and you were there for her 🌷

Your post is all about you and how you feel and what your views are.

It’s your daughters choice. The fact you consider yourself pro life irrelevant to the situation .

Wow the prolife lobby got you good huh? You have absolutely no right to assume she will regret her decision and or develop mental health problems. Many, many women experience terminations as an act of agency and control over their bodies, no regret or navel gazing required.

Your experience of not getting a termination in no way relates to her decision to get one. Stop conflating these two things in your mind, you have entirely different belief systems and made entirely different choices.

You won't get the support you are looking for here. Mumsnet hates anyone pro-life.

Your feelings are valid OP.

Counselling might unearth some truths you find hard to face. Perhaps your decision to go ahead with your own pregnancy was not as clear cut as you make it sound now, for example, and you have repressed a lot of emotion under a 'pro life, best thing I ever did' stance.

I'd book some good talking therapy if these feelings don't ease. It's quite possible your daughter doesn't need any support at all and has already moved on, leaving you behind in a puddle of angst.

If you know it was the ‘right decision’ for her, then what is the issue? Or are you not being truthful with her?

Definitely seek some counselling to help you through your feelings. As others have said, don’t share them with your daughter. There is no way you could have changed her mind, as it wasn’t your decision to make. It’s her body and her life. You may have kindly offered your help but you wouldn’t have been the same as an actual partner.

It might be good to see more of the logic in the situation, and the practicalities of her decision. When I was 24, I had a minimum wage job and was living in a shared house with a front door with holes in it. No way would I have had a baby.

Please also try to stop comparing your experience with hers. You are two different people.

Your daughter made the right decision for her. Stop projecting your life onto her. This is not about you.

Your choices and her choices are not the same. She's entitled to choose the best decision for her. Don't ever say any of this to her.

I know several people who have had abortions and not one of them, rightly or wrongly give it a second thought.
They made the right decision for them, not a relative of their unborn child. I would never ever have told my parents if I’d had an abortion in my twenties, thus making sure no-one would have tried to guilt trip me.

She may not have a mental breakdown, I didn't. I was relieved and have never once regretted that decision or thought what if.
Talk to a counsellor but never tell her what you've said here as it was her choice and she made the right one for her in that moment

This isn’t about you.

I had an abortion at 21 (now in 30s with 2 DC). I didn’t tell anyone apart from BF at the time as I didn’t want other peoples opinions, I knew my own mind.

I told my mum a few months later, if she has given her unsolicited opinion on the matter I would have been terribly upset / fuming.

Her body, her choice

@theduchessofspork seriously if your adult child showed you a scan photo you would just think meh it’s just a bunch of cells.

Actually I see a lot of very 'triggered' and demented responses on this thread.

OP- counselling would definitely more helpful than Mumsnet. This is just a baying mob.

It sounds like you tried to get her to consider, and make, the decision you thought was the right one for her (and I do get it we all want to protect our kids however old they are)

It may be that her mental health is affected by her decision, but if she had chosen to continue the pregnancy and her mental health had worsened (10% of all maternal deaths are due to mental health issues) - would you then have blamed yourself for that decision?

You made the right decision for you, despite what your parents thought was best, trust that you've raised a daughter who knows herself well enough to make the right decision for her, despite what you think is best

As a parent, it is simply not in your gift to relieve your child of pain and suffering. That fact does not change just because your beliefs make this a particularly emotive issue for you. All these thoughts about not doing enough to save the life of your potential grandchild are your burden to bear and as others have said, should only be expressed within the context of counselling.

All you can do is be alert to any needs that she may have and, should she approach you, respond to them appropriately as they arise. You may wish to be prepared with details of (non religious) counselling services that she can access if she chooses. Equally, she may never feel anything other than relief at having ended the pregnancy, which is also valid. Your daughter is not you and it is right that you have allowed her to develop her own belief system independent of yours and make her own decisions. You've done well up until this point so you just need to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

You need to just remind yourself that the greatest start to any grandchilds life is to first and foremost be wanted

All your emotional, practical and financial support cannot make up for being born unwanted.

Also, I can't speak for your dd, but if I needed anyone (apart from the fathers) financial support to raise children it would be an immediate no to continuing the pregnancy.

So op has come on here to vent probably in order to help her not talk to her daughter and you all attack her. Vipers is right.

Hey people there is a person behind the screen when you jab your slathery replies you know.