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Original poster

My daughter has had an abortion

257 replies

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 06:35

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 08:55

Mummumgem Thank you so much for this. This is it exactly

OP posts:
MammaTo · 18/10/2023 08:58

Keep your opinions to yourself and support your daughter. She’s made the right decision for her. Would it make you feel better about your life struggles if she done the same as you and kept the baby? Why wouldn’t you want her to bring a baby into this world when the time is right and give her the best chance for a struggle free life.

2jacqi · 18/10/2023 08:59

her life, her body, her rights! you have nothing to do with it apart from supporting whatever SHE wanted to do!

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 08:59

Commencethedancing · 18/10/2023 08:51

What part of;

“I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter”

indicates that op is making it “all about herself?”

She is posting precisely because she is conflicted but still wants to fully support her dd.

Show quote history

The part when op “gently” tried to persuade her dd to keep a baby when she told her mum the pregnancy was unwanted and she was having an abortion.

Also the part where op “regrets not doing more to save the life of her grandchild “

All very self indulgent and disrespectful of her daughter’s rights over her own body and mind.

MaisyAndTallulah · 18/10/2023 09:01

Crikey, some worrying projection on your part OP. Your angst about this is yours alone, please do not burden your daughter with it.

Original poster
Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 09:04

What part of my post did you not understand ? My daughter had an abortion (which I accompanied her to). I respected her choice even if it would not have been mine. I am permitted to have feelings about it

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 09:06

@LaviniasBigBloomers there are posts on MN from posters who regret having an abortion, so it is a thing. So a bad thing to dismiss it out of hand as it can happen, and those posters need support.

Ididivfama · 18/10/2023 09:06

I think it’s very normal op. A lot of people feel like their grandchild is their child, even though it isn’t. You have been very supportive and a good mum.
Her situation is different. Find someone else to talk to about it. You will get there in time.

MaisyAndTallulah · 18/10/2023 09:06

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 09:04

What part of my post did you not understand ? My daughter had an abortion (which I accompanied her to). I respected her choice even if it would not have been mine. I am permitted to have feelings about it

The more you post, the more concerning it sounds. You need to address your issues. As it is, you are risking your relationship with your daughter and no doubt the people around you because of your unresolved conflicts.

Commencethedancing · 18/10/2023 09:08

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 08:59

The part when op “gently” tried to persuade her dd to keep a baby when she told her mum the pregnancy was unwanted and she was having an abortion.

Also the part where op “regrets not doing more to save the life of her grandchild “

All very self indulgent and disrespectful of her daughter’s rights over her own body and mind.

Show quote history

As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could

That is not self-indulgence. It’s support.

Op is entitled to her opinions and feelings whether we agree with them or not.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 18/10/2023 09:09

crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 09:06

@LaviniasBigBloomers there are posts on MN from posters who regret having an abortion, so it is a thing. So a bad thing to dismiss it out of hand as it can happen, and those posters need support.

I think there are very, very few where there are no other pressuring factors involved, and I include financial/housing/relationship factors in that. 'I already have 4 DCs and a DH who won't lift a finger and we only have two bedrooms in a house we can't afford' I would class as a coercive factor in a decision, which may lead to regret. 'I had a one night stand on holiday and I'm only 24' - honestly, not so much.

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 09:09

You only seem to be responding to pro life responses on here and seem intent in indulging in your own regret and grief, framed as losing a grandchild.

I hope you can gain some perspective on this situation.

To me, your dd’s period was a few weeks late, she took a couple of pills to prevent a pregnancy. I would view this in the same light as taking the morning after pill.

Our views are poles apart.

It might help to read up on some pro choice material.

PrimalOwl10 · 18/10/2023 09:12

Having a child isn't always the best outcome. I had one at 21 and I missed out on so much when I was in my prime age. Now I have to coparent with someone who I don't like who manipulatives ds. I'd advise my dd to wait until she had a secure happy relationship not some random from a one night stand. This is not about you but your dd and you need to support her appropriately.

rainbowsparkle28 · 18/10/2023 09:13

As others have said, this was her decision and her decision alone, it is her body and right to decide on this and what she wants for her life. If you need to speak to someone like a counsellor then do so but keep it between you and them. Do not share your feelings with your daughter - it is not her responsibility to bear the weight of how you are feeling about the situation.

CurlewKate · 18/10/2023 09:14

@Mummumgem "You have to hold your child while they go through the darkest most difficult things in their life,"
I'm sorry- but this is ridiculous. And dangerous, unforgivable propaganda.

androidnotapple · 18/10/2023 09:14

What a sensible daughter you have. Be proud of her. Decision to abort is overwhelmingly likely to be good for her physically, mentally and financially.

Hibiscrubbed · 18/10/2023 09:23

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild

You put this in a box and you fucking bury it. You do not burden your daughter with your ludicrous pro-life guilt. Your decision was yours, this was hers. Yours was right for you, hers was right for her. Please do not talk to her and try to elicit guilt where there may be none, bad feeling where there may be nothing but relief.

And stop framing it as your ‘grandchild’.

Bobbotgegrinch · 18/10/2023 09:24

The problem I think is that you're linking her choice to yours. They're not the same. You made the right decision for you at the time, in your situation.

Her situation is different, despite the similarities, and she's made the right decision for her. Pushing her more likely wouldnt have changed her decision, but would likely have strained your relationship a lot.

I also think that following this experience maybe you're questioning your pro-life credentials a bit. You describe yourself as pro-life, but when push came to shove you supported your daughter to make her own choices without pressuring her. That's a very pro-choice position to take, and it was definitely the right position to take as her parent.

ToniTTtopaz · 18/10/2023 09:26

I would think being there in that same situation, you would have encouraged her not to take the path you did and become a single parent at a young age.

Encourage her to go out, live her life and have a family when she is ready and settled, hopefully with a supportive partner.

It's ok to feel the way you do, but don't burden her with this and try and think of the positives that she will have.

Favouritefruits · 18/10/2023 09:28

Your daughter is 24 a fully grown adult who made the right decision for herself. It’s got nothing to do with you, in the nicest way possible just stay out of it don’t make her feel guilt. This was her choice!

PinkRoses1245 · 18/10/2023 09:31

It’s her decision. You’re allowed to feel whatever you want but do not let any of it transfer to your daughter. You need to be there for her. And seek your own support or counselling if you need

Fahbeep · 18/10/2023 09:34

There are some really harsh comments on this thread because you are pro life. I'm pro choice. But I can still see you are grieving the loss of a potential life that would have been connected to your own. Those are legitimate feelings of grief and loss. I have experienced them too in a similar situation involving an abortion that I supported (as you rightly did when your daughter made her choice). What I did not do, which is why I think you should do it, is seek bereavement counselling. But I still think that you should not involve your daughter at this stage of your grieving process. An abortion is a big deal, and she will be going through her own emotional process that may not sync with yours. Ignore the haters on here. It's not about politics. It's about your MH and grief.

saraclara · 18/10/2023 09:35

Good grief. This is the most awful pile on by people who seem not to have read the OP, but are simply having knee jerk reactions to the words pro-life.

OP did everything right, despite her own beliefs. She and her daughter talked through the options, OP offered her her full support whatever choice she made, and she went with her daughter to support her through the procedure. That's impressive for someone with her beliefs.

She has clearly said that she will not let her daughter know of the feelings she's now having. She just wants help in banishing those feelings, and reassurance that her DD will be okay.

Good grief. If she'd been making this all about her, she'd not have supported her DD as she did. How many of you would go against your strongest beliefs easily? But she did.

Mummumgem · 18/10/2023 09:42

saraclara · 18/10/2023 09:35

Good grief. This is the most awful pile on by people who seem not to have read the OP, but are simply having knee jerk reactions to the words pro-life.

OP did everything right, despite her own beliefs. She and her daughter talked through the options, OP offered her her full support whatever choice she made, and she went with her daughter to support her through the procedure. That's impressive for someone with her beliefs.

She has clearly said that she will not let her daughter know of the feelings she's now having. She just wants help in banishing those feelings, and reassurance that her DD will be okay.

Good grief. If she'd been making this all about her, she'd not have supported her DD as she did. How many of you would go against your strongest beliefs easily? But she did.

Edited

👏👏👏👏👏

just what I was trying to say

Mumtime2 · 18/10/2023 09:45

I think she would have thought that through if not already in her future plans
To offer financial help, I have seen this and how a parent used to manipulate the daughter.
Here you are reliving your past unless she really wanted to become a parent, which I doubt. Today's society has more than enough choices, and unprotected one night stands would be my main concern.
Not an unplanned pregnancy.
Let it be.