One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

What is your inclination?

Why did they stop contact with you?

It's your money and your choice.

If they don't want you in their life, they shouldn't expect anything from you in death.

That said, if it was me then yes I would split equally because even if they no longer loved me, I would want them to know I still loved them. And loved them equally.

This is how I'd feel.

Well—how did you fail them? Some things are not something an apology fixes.

I had a patient once whose mother and father had a lovely relationship with the other children, the successful boys, but a more complicated ine with my patient. Why? Because her mother used to drug her as a child so she could be sexually abused by her maternal grandfather. Literally this. The family swept it all under the rug and my patient was deemed “difficult”.

It's your Will and your money. No one is entitled to inheritance money. Your decision will be right whatever you decide. Personally, I wouldn't give a child who hadn't spoken to me for 10 years anything.

Fair to whom?

No. Leave them £10 so they can’t argue that they were left out by mistake. I’m nc with my parent, not prepared to put up with all the crap just to inherit. I expect my sibling to inherit everything and I’m good with that. Can’t have it both ways.

Split equally as a sign of love and to prevent any animosity between your children.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Depends on the reason behind the breakdown in the relationship I guess, but I don't think fairness necessarily comes into - inheritance isn't a payment in return for keeping in touch.

You seem to acknowledge that you did fail them - I don't think that I would then choose to add to this by cutting them out of my will. But there will be nuances in every specific situation.

Its your choice but if you don't want one of your children to inherit its a good idea to say that in the will so it doesn't look like they have been left out by mistake

i would be equal otherwise the sibling relationships may be affected.

And if you don't it will reaffirm their beliefs

Split it evenly. Without question.

My mother has no idea why I am LC with her, and my brother is NC with her. I’ve tried to explain but she doesn’t see it. We are the ones that have done the wrong thing in her eyes. This is not the case. My brother and I have gone L/NC for our own sanity, but she doesn’t understand.

They are your children. Split it evenly.

Personally I don't think you have any obligation to the dc who has decided to cut you out of their life. Do what you feel most comfortable with.

Why are you NC? I think it would depend on the reason.

It's strange that your dc and husband have a good relationship with your other dc but you don't, and vice versa.

Would leaving it to one dc impact on their relationship with the other. That would prob be the clincher for me.

Too little info and backstory to judge.

Is inheritance there as a reward / payment for your children's continued contact with you?

Interesting that their sibling has a good relationship with your NC child. I've found this to be near enough impossible in my family. Five siblings and only one has any sort of relationship with the NC child and then it's really pretty token.

As you have "many noughts" to bequeath, I would leave something to the NC child (say 5%, 10%?) and a letter saying that you're sure they understand why you would leave most to the child with whom you still have a relationship, and if they don't want to accept any money from you then please donate it to xyz charity.

Watching with interest.
My gut feeling would be split evening.
But would yet be worth asking the others siblings what they think?

You can put a letter of wishes alongside to say why you left them out.

I would suggest if it’s not equal - please make it clear why.

My Mum had one sibling, my Aunt. Aunt was NC with the Nan and Nan left her £2k and my Mum everything else. She didn’t have a fortune but there was the house so it was low six figures for my Mum and just £2k for my Aunt. My Aunt clearly expected my Mum to equalise things and it did cause a bit of friction despite being obvious why. She was tempted to give her £10k or so but as we all said, she’ll be no happier with that than she will £2k - so either give her half or don’t bother.

My point - please leave a letter explicitly outlining your wishes so your favoured child (I know it’s not your choice) isn’t left justifying your decision.

Also does the NC sibling have children? Could you bypass them and leave their “share” to your Grandchildren? Might be a less bitter pill to swallow.

Did the other siblings also “sweep it under the rug.”

If you love them equally then yes personally I would.

I know it’s never clear cut and there’s probably multiple reasons why you could leave them out but I’m not sure I could do it.

FWIW despite my view I absolutely would not accept anything from my ‘mother’. I would give it to my dc.

Very sensible advice on this thread. Just one thing to add, no need to surprise your DC with the inheritance, you could let them both know what to expect once you make a decision. If it was me I’d split evenly as close family experiences show that leaving your estate unequally causes more bitterness down several generations.