One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

As most have said it totally depends on the reason. If it's your fault, eg parental neglect either physical or emotional of course you leave them half.
If it is their fault, they just upped and left and aren't interested for no good reason you don't.

Haven't read the full thread, but if your adult DC have children, or plan to in the future, you could always plan for your estate to be split equally amongst your grandchildren.

Sorry that you are in this position. Hopefully you are making a will to plan sensibly rather than faced with a pressing need to make one, if that makes sense. If this is the case, hopefully the relationship with your DC can improve in time...

I think I might leave it all to one child with a note to both of them saying that you would be very happy for that child to share 50:50 with their sibling, but that you didn't think sibling would accept it if you gave it to them directly. You leave it up to them effectively. Of course this depends if they get on!

PrettyParrot

I think your suggestion could be a disaster.

If I was in your position, I would decide based on my own feelings. If you want to demonstrate that you never stopped loving your child and you love your children equally, I would divide the money equally between them. If one child has been a lot more hands on as you get old, I might choose to reflect the value of their help but still leave a substantial amount to the estranged child.

My dad was estranged from his parents. They left him nothing. He felt bitter about that along with all the other things he felt bitter about regarding his childhood. Oddly, he got more upset about it in his old age – that his sister had inherited the lot. His family was reasonably wealthy and I think he wished he'd been able to pass some of that down the line.

I'd suggest you work out how you feel and discuss it with the sibling that you are in contact with. They might have strong feelings and if the sibling you are in contact with will get more in the NC gets less they may feel it will be easier on them if you do an even split. I appreciate it is your money to do what you want with but your choice could have a negative impact on the child you speak to.

I think that could lead to sibling rivalry and a fall out between them. It puts the inheritor in a difficult position.

I'd leave 50/50.

A mothers love is unconditional in my opinion.

There are some really mean people who use this forum. You don't sound like one of them, OP. I think you know the right thing to do. Follow your instincts, not the bitter advice of strangers on the internet.

That’s what some people view it as,
a lot of people worryingly…

I'm the NC child who was disinherited by a parent. Family situation is complicated, but basically 1 sibling got everything and I got nothing. It was stated in the will in black and white that I was to be given nothing.

Was I hurt by it? Not really. So if that was the intent, it failed. I didn't dispute the will, although there was a possibility of it.

Is it a shitty thing to do? 100% yes. It only confirmed what I thought of that parent and that I was right to go NC.

It also didn't make me think much of the sibling who made no attempt to rectify the situation and damaged any possibility of a relationship there.

Just as likely, statistically speaking, that the parent generation is drug addicted, violent, abusive, thieving, and narcissistic.

Give them nothing. They’ve made their choice and you’ve tried to understand their reasoning.

I'd give it all to the DC you are in contact with. When we are adults we get the relationships we choose. Estranged DC didn't want a relationship with you which is fair enough. Not inheriting from you is what she chose and you should respect that.

I WOULD leave it equally, UNLESS the DC who you are close to, ends up taking care of you in your old age, especially if that leaves them at a financial disadvantage. Maybe an unpopular decision, but I do feel that that kind of contribution deserves recognition, beyond “equal” and “equal love”.

A manipulative and controlling parent would indeed use inheritance as a final means to control their child.

Worryingly, a lot of people on here say if my child was NC with me then they wouldn’t get anything bla bla bla. You’ve got to ask yourself why someone goes NC with said parent?! One thing is for certain, it won’t be for fun. They will be at the end of their tether and the parent will deny and idea.

OP my best advice would be to make it equal. Don’t use money as a weapon. You won’t be here to see the aftermath, the potential fall out, the potential contest of will. Don’t be that person. It doesn’t affect you when you’re no longer here so don’t let your legacy be the woman who disinherited their child.

It will cause more harm than good.

I would recommend independent legal advice when you make your will OP. My understanding is that the number of relatives appealing bequests made in wills is increasing and if you miss someone out completely there is a risk that a significant proportion of the inheritance will be swallowed up in legal fees.
Obviously I have no idea of the circumstances under which this estrangement happened.

Impossible to make an informed decision with so little information.

I'd always split everything equally between my kids. I wouldn't love one less than the other just because they didn't love me. That's not what being a loving parent is about. Love isn't conditional on your child thinking you're great and spending time with you - although it's also the reason absent fathers don't pay out for their kids, as if there's a correlation between their responsibility to the child and how much the child sees them. That's wrong and so is cutting a child out of your will. Just my opinion.

Why are they NC? You must have some idea.

that would sway my thoughts on it.

I do agree you should be transparent about what you decide, so that there are no more surprises down the line.

Think I would still give something depending on the circumstances re what caused the rift. I might give more to the adult child I still see to acknowledge their role: caring wise, enriching life experiences etc which would naturally happen if you're in touch a lot especially as you get older. For example if they went out their way to include me in outings, spent money on joint things like trips etc. it is unfortunate situation but I don't think equal reflects the treatment you've received.

I like a PP's idea (wanted to quote it but couldn't find it!) of a solicitor writing to ask if NC child wants to be included in the will. That way you are taking their opinion into account, not giving 50% or even 20% when they might not want anything from you.

Please don't do this.

What if one sibling ends up taking responsibility (time and money) for care of an ageing parent? Is that not worth recognition?

It would very spiteful and prove they were right to go NC with you if you did cut them out.

Splitting equally will make absolutely no difference to you (seeing as you'd be dead), and will show you considered your DC equal, despite your admitted failings.

Ahhh so sorry @Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast I have completely messed up and quoted the wrong post. I actually thought your response was fair and agreed!