One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Do what suits you.
In the event of your death they will find something to fight about if they are that way inclined.
You Can't be held responsible for what choices others make when ur gone

I don't expect you to comment on the reason. However if you genuinely believe you seriously failed them, I think you should split the will equally.

I am nc with 3 of my dc... For different reasons... If I had any money to leave I would split it equally between the dc I see and the ones I don't....
Not being part of the family does affect mh (I don't see my dps).. I would hate to think post my death my dc would feel I hadn't loved them all equally even though we had been estranged...

I think it’s one of those where are too many variables. Why are they NC? It doesn’t feel like you agree with why they think you’ve failed them (just from the tone). Are they NC because they believe you favour the other sibling? Are they NC because they feel you use money to control the situation?

Generally, it’s your money and you should do what you feel is best with it.

There is also the chance that if left money, NC child doesn’t want it anyway.

Ime even if a dc had committed a terrible crime my above post still stands..
Unable to nc to give bigger picture...

My Mum and Dad both have difficult relationships with their families. Both received less than other siblings when GP's died.

They were both pretty breezy about it. Made out they didn't care. Its not as if there was a lot of money to go around anyway. Ect..

However: They have made a point to me and DS that we will be getting exactly the same. Even though DS needs it more and gets on with them better.

Make of that what you will.

Given the potential for cataclysmic family damage that inheritance has, I would split evenly unless the nc child is a drug or gambling addict. This means that both children know you loved them both. It also means that their sibling relationship is likely to continue intact. I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardise the family after I am gone.

Agree with this. I'm the same.

I don’t think I would split it equally, no, that’s not to say I’d completely cut them out. It does very much depend on the reason for the fall out. I’d also consider whether they have any children and I would leave something to them.

If you want them to have a good relationship after your death, I’d split it equally. Otherwise it’s likely to cause a rift.

How can you not split equally?

Have they harmed you?

I would still split equally, otherwise you're punishing them. Presumably you have SOME idea why they have gone NC, and as relationships seem to be pretty good all around otherwise, presumably it's not a lifetime of abuse etc. The fact that you are keen to reconcile suggests that you don't hate them.

You have two children, leave everything to them equally. If your NC child refuses their share, have it written into the the will to allow it to to default to NC child's children, and to be managed in trust (perhaps by your other child) until they are whatever age. Any generational wealth is an enormous and lifechanging privilege and you should protect your (future) grandchildren's (if any) right to benefit from it, even if there has been a breakdown with NC child.

Apart from anything else, your other child inheriting many zeros and NC child not will become a wedge between them even if they think it won't.

Do you think NC child cannot be trusted with money for some reason (addiction, MH etc.)?

Edited to add: Unless something happens like your other child ends up taking care of you for 20 years before your death or something. In that scenario I would leave them as much as possible with a nominal 20k or something for NC child, and perhaps also take steps to protect them from too much inheritance tax.

We need a bit of background OP but on the surface I wouldn't leave equally.

To go NC is quite extreme imo and if you have listened then they clearly aren't interested/bothered. People claiming that this will affect sibling relationships are missing the point that it will only affect that if the DC who went no contact lets it and that's on them. The OP cannot control what the DC does and should not try and control it with money. I'd go with the £10 suggestion.

One of my brothers went no contact with the whole family when he met his now wife for reasons never explained to anyone. It caused my mum so much heartbreak that after she died, my dad changed his will so that brother was cut out and the estate would be shared between just me and my other two siblings. I have no idea if he even knows that my dad is now no longer with us and our childhood house has been long sold, no do I particularly care if I'm honest.

In your position OP, I wouldn't hesitate to change your will so the estranged child does not benefit. Actions have consequences; and if it is the case that you did something truly terrible to them that caused them to go no contact with you, then they are unlikely to want your money anyway.

My youngest went NC 5yrs ago. He'll be 25 this year.

He cut me off. Then his brother and his SIL. Then his aunt, uncle and cousins over a period of a year. He had a conversation with my DM, said he was finding things difficult with his older DP. DM said that he didn't have to stay with her, maybe a break would be a good idea. He hung up the phone, sent her a really nasty text and cut her off. And my DF who has cancer.

I've re-written my will. He'll get 15%

If he wants nothing to do with us as his family, then he won't want my money either.

I don't even know where he lives.

OP, you can keep your will up to date, re-write it as things change. That's my intention. But, for now, in my situation, he wants nothing to do with me, so I'd rather support other family members in the event of my death. I hope he reconnects, I miss him. But he's made his decision for now and I will respect that, as he will have to respect mine.

Depends on the history. I would imagine that the would want and expect nothing.

It would all depend on why they had gone NC and why they still managed to get on with the rest of the family.

What I'd probably do is give the other children money while I was alive, but split the remainder on my death, though that again can look as though you're buying loyalty.

I'm wondering whether you divorced the child's father and they feel you ruined things for the family.

I would try to do what is best for my child.

In most cases that would mean dividing the property equally, perhaps with a letter telling them you love them. Hopefully they will achieve some peace.

In some cases to be left money/a letter would be triggering and could result in harm to your child.

Only you know the circumstances and which is more likely.

Honestly as someone who was NC with a family member, it would feel hypocritical to expect to inherit anything.
I would consider though how any bequest might affect your children's relationship with each other after you have gone

Maybe leave money equally shared between your DC but leave items like pictures, jewelry, or furniture to the DC you still have contact with. I can imagine you leaving stuff you have an emotional connection with to your estranged DC and them just dumping them in the nearest charity shop instead of passing them down the family.

My siblings is NC eith me and my parents. Our last messages from them were abusive and threatening.

Like fuck am I leaving anything to them.

One parent has changed their will to leave their estate to me and their GC. The other parent is still dividing their estate between me and sibling.

It's entirely up to you OP, you do what feels right.

I would not leave them anything but you need to take advice from your solicitor as to how this works in practice. In Scotland a child can claim legal rights if they are left out of the Will, meaning a potentially lengthy process for the other beneficiaries.

If the failing was on your side, and you are genuine in your desire for reconciliation I think you should split your estate equally. Whatever happens it will demonstrate that you still loved your children equally and truly accepted that the reason for the relationship breakdown was on your side.

This exactly. Consider the fall out of one child being left a tenner on the (currently good) relationship with their sibling.