One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Then I will have utterly failed as his parent by creating an environment that was so emotionally unsafe he didn’t feel able to come and speak to me.

You are missing the point that people don’t just to NC with parents on a whim. It is devastating and an absolute last resort when there is nothing else left to do.

I'm not so sure. My sibling used to do this to our Dad as a power thing. I once asked what had happened and the actual answer was "oh, I just want to make him sweat a bit."

Don’t be churlish. Just split it, either 50:50 or 60:40.

Plenty of people have awful parents they go NC with and plenty of narcissists go NC with their own parents because they enjoy the power trip. It's impossible to know which is which here.

Quite. And the fact one child is still happily in contact tells us more too.

Many people have less than ideal family relationships but they don’t usually go NC.

This tells you absolutely nothing. JFC

OP, I do not like the cut of your jib one bit.
Or that you are discussing it online: "many noughts" indeed.
You sound full of grandiosity and denial. Discussing it with the other child screams control, manipulation and trianglation.

No doubt you will leave chaos. I bet you are only 60 or so. Nowhere near death.

Shudder.

The op's posts tell us the most. Wondering sarcastically if it was because she dropped a cake one breath then saying she was broken and unpredictable the next.

I'm not saying anyone who has behaved badly deserves to have dc nc, but they must listen to the person who desperately is stepping back. To focus on a Will seems bizarre.

It really doesn't.

Lots of people stay in touch with parents even though the relationship is unhealthy and damaging. They stay in touch with hideous, abusive parents who physically harmed and sexually abused them. The existence of contact doesn't tell you anything. Abusive relationships can be incredibly difficult to break free from. Nor does in contact automatically equal happily so. The one in contact has said they deserve more money as a reward. So there's a price being put on the contact.

Lots of parents treat different children very differently. Eldest daughters turned into mini parents while younger siblings get a much easier ride. Children of the preferred sex getting a better deal. Children of spouse no. 2 getting a better deal. Golden children v scapegoats. An older sibling who is there for a difficult patch in the marriage, for ill health, for an affair, a younger sibling who misses all that.

Slightly off the main issue - but I always find people talking about 'unconditional love' for children or a partner or indeed expecting it from a partner really bizarre. Love absolutely should be conditional on respect at a minimum. This is why people (usually women) sometimes fool themselves into staying in abusive relationships 'but I love him unconditionally'. Why? Why love someone who treats you like shit? It's having no self respect. Loving anyone unconditionally is not something to be lauded because it is insanity. You should require as a condition for giving someone love, a person derserving of love. I'm not talking about perfection or minor mistakes or bad behaviour that we all do from time to time but fundamental core behaviour and character.

In most cases, this is academic because few people are that bad - but if your child was a paedophile or Dominque Pelicot or beat you up & spat in your face regularly - would you still love them? If the answer to that is yes, you need to see a psychiatrist. Unconditional love where there is nothing to love is a form of self harm really.

People picking this up through trending threads (like me) may not have spotted that this isn’t AIBU but Ethical Dilemmas.

The dilemma is whether the OP should leave her estate equally between her two DC, one of whom is nc.

The thing is, they may not be NC by the time the Will comes into force. So I would say the dilemma is whether to accept the current relationship or hope and plan for a better one.

The slack in her parenting? ADHD doesn't mean you are a crap parent
And you think parenting is down to one parent? The other one parenting is not taking up the slack. It's parenting

Have you ever asked the other DC or their father if they know the reasons?

You sound quite dismissive of why one of your kids has gone NC with you. I wonder if you could get some answers by calmly asking the others if they know, and stressing that you are not going to shoot the messenger.

I think it's unlikely that they don't know. And presumably it's not terrible as they're still speaking to both of you. If you'd done something sufficiently awful, I'd have expected them to also go NC with you in solidarity...

...unless they are thinking about their inhertitance

@AnonymousBleep @Bananaskeleton Normal people when someone does a lot for them expect to do something back. Of course parents are not perfect - no-one is - but unless there is outright abuse going no contact is not something a child should be doing.

There is another active thread on mumsnet about how something has gone seriously wrong with parenting - too damn right. It's a wonder anyone opts to have children at all - oh, wait people are increasing opting out of that.

Thanks. We did sort it. The thing that was frightening is how easy it was to do in the first place. A POA can be done without a solicitor. The POA was registered with a signature which looked a little like DHs but in reality with dementia this is variable. Two witness signatures were also present on the DOA, but I do not know who these people were. A solicitor helped us remove the POA. We were fortunate in finding out it existed only by chance (DS used it to gain access to DH's legal files when he went into hospital). Otherwise I suspect he would have waited until DH was further advanced and then started to exert greater control. There is also a good change that he will come back and suggest that DH has signed a new will leaving money to him and in particular the house I live in. Again legal advice has been taken on this. It is an awful situation to be in. I have needed therapy to deal with the shock that DS can behave like this.

Same here. It’s as simple as download forms from the internet, grab two witnesses and “sign here”. Send off to OPG, job done.

in our case file was competent so only had to sign a withdrawal- he’d thought/been told he was signing attendance allowance forms.

That’s awful and I’m so glad you managed to sort it out before too much damage was done.

Sadly I’ve heard a few similar stories to yours. I hope things get better for you.

Changed my mind. So edited to say that.

With ADHD, I’ve noticed sometimes that it can be all about that person. They can’t stop talking - some that I’ve known with it can be like that - and it can be overwhelming to be around them. Exhausting is the word I would describe and wanting to be the life and soul of the party. This is not everyone with ADHD but I know a couple of people with it and I would have found them as my mum very challenging. Too much in my space.

I’d say it’s far too early if you’ve only just sold your business. You sound young. If you end up with dementia or long term illness all your savings will go on a care home or one to one care. First hand experience here. You have no idea how care, should you need it, eats up savings. Then inheritance tax at 40%. Unless you’re leaving millions, I’d just split it. You may be wasting your time. Also stop putting pressure on the sibling that is in contact with NC sibling and I’d stop sending presents too. The child wants no contact so respect those wishes. They want to disappear from you so I would allow full no contact to occur and give it time. People change but it must be through their own volition, you can’t force it. You still sound like you are pushing your will on everyone and making everyone stressed about this situation. Make things less about you and more about them? Respect others wishes even if it is painful for you.

Exactly.

Yes the fact that the other child has been consulted on inheritance plans is appalling and very divisory. Why would a mother do this? Even with NC request she can’t even respect that. You cannot keep putting your own needs first. This inheritance talk seems to be another ruse to get the NC to rear up and interact. Something I’ve noticed again not with all ADHD, but the two I know, they can’t stand to be ignored. It’s like they have to keep pushing the button over and over again. Desperate for a reaction. Any reaction. A tap that is always on, there’s no off function and it’s just so tiring to be around.

OP did you try ND counselling of any kind? Just for you?

And for the record, my DF and my DB do not speak and do not have any contact for the last 14 years. I am still in touch with DF.

He has NEVER put pressure on me nor ever discussed inheritance. The only thing he ever says is that it’s split between the two of us. And that is final. He knows he was not perfect growing up. He respects his son’s wishes even though it is deeply painful for him and he doesn’t see the grandchildren.

FFS OP grow up and be the bigger person.

I admire my Dad. He does not have a victim mentality. I do not admire you or this post, at all.

I'm NC with my mother. I already know I've been cut out of the will, and I fully expected that. That said, my siblings have already said they plan to ensure they even things up. I won't hold them to that, though, as that's not fair on them. They're supportive and understanding of why I went NC (I had very good reasons for it; mother has never apologised or tried to find out why. She is always right and it's all my fault!).

Please don't leave a letter explaining why you've cut out your child. I am fully expecting my mother to leave a spiteful missive, and one of my siblings will take care of that, read it on my behalf, and destroy if necessary. As you can see, we've gamed out all the scenarios ahead of time!

This is awful, I'm so sorry for what you've endured. I have tiffs with our dc but if I've overreacted I always say sorry, I just cannot imagine being a mother and being estranged for my dc . Your siblings sound supportive though so that must be some comfort.