One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

It's up to you but things you should take into account are:

• what is the claimed reason for no contact? usually if a person goes no contact it is becaues they feel (rightly or wrongly) that the person they are no contact with (here you) has wronged them in some way or seeing them causes more upset or trauma than it is worth. Sometimes this can be (objectively) nonsense and someone who has 'thought' themselves into a position to justify their own bad behaviour or bad decisions. [Eg. Child marries a violent drug addict; parents worried about child try to convince them not to marry or to end the relationship; child won't and then to justify the shit they end up in blame parents for lack of love/not supporting them/can't cope with fact the parents don't like the spouse and go no contact OR child 'thinks' and 'sulks' themselves into believing the other sibling was loved more by one parent or another (Exhibit A: Prince Harry)). Sometimes it's 6 of one/half a dozen of the other. I would do a deep dive analysis (you probably have already but revisit it with some input from someone wholly independent) and form a view as to whether it is their 'fault' (bad decision to go no contact; you've done nothing wrong); your 'fault' (your behaviour/treatment towards them warranted them backing off emotionally) or 50:50 (both behaviours contributed to a downward spiral of pushing each other away).
• what you do will have an effect on the no-contact child. Would you care about this? The no-contact child may see this as confirmation that you don't care about them (it's a two way street this though if they aren't bothering with you). The no- contact child may develope massive resentment to the contact child and pressure them heavily to give money.
• what you do will have an effect on the contact child. They need to know whether if they face pressure from the no-contact child to give money, what they should do.
• there are a range of options. You don't have to choose between 50:50 split or nothing. YOu could give them something but just more to the other child.
• How old are you? you may very well not die for x years and have a chance to remake your will. If you are going to do that anyway, is it worth making a big song and dance about this now? Obviously there are no guarantees and we could all die tomorrow in a car crash but if the probability is you have time maybe make a 50:50 will now and review it in 5 years or so which leads in to my next point:
• Do you want or hope for a reconcillaition with the no contact child? If you would like this and want to try for it, this won't help but if you are clear this won't happen for whatever reason and you've come to terms with it then this matters less.
• If you are cutting out a child (or having an markedly unequal distribution of the estate between children), you will usually be legally advised to:
• make sure you are able to evidence that you are mentally competent - see your GP and get the solicitor to record that you raised this issue and they think you are fine (this will save a lot of legal agro later and (
• to tell the children and explain why. I appreciate this is difficult if you are no contact but you could write a letter. If there are reasons for your decision, it is better to tell the child while you are alive so that if there is anything they want to discuss with you or question, they have time to do it. It also means that the other sibling is in less of a horror show of a position having to announce this to their no-contact sibling and deal with shock, aggression and blame. It is important for this reason.

The main thing is that whatever you decide will have consequences for both children to deal with so make sure you aren't leaving something behind you that will upset either/both of them or be a big shock (And this applies both ways - the contact sibling may expect everything if you are totally no contact with the other sibling). Be transparent and give both an opportunity to discuss it with you even if not taken up.

Why would you want to do that ?

Why did they cut you out? You will be dead so the aftermath of doing this won’t matter to you why not talk to your other child and see what they want to do as they will be the one cleaning up once you die.

I'd make my decision on two things -

1. what impact my decision would have on the relationship between the siblings
2. how much at fault I was for the estrangement.

I'd lean towards equal.

If you do write your DC out of your will, include a clause saying that it is deliberate that you don't want the DC to inherit - you don't have to explain why - and that anyone who contests the will, cannot inherit.

My sister and myself were disinherited by my father in favour of my father's Thai partner and my brother (who lives in Thailand). There was also a lot of our fathers money spent building a house for my brother - which my brother lied to me about saying he had paid for the house.

My brother didn't give my dad support when he was dying, I flew out and paid for all sorts of things he needed.
My father said he was leaving him the money and not us, as he really needed it and we were self sufficient.
All because we grafted and brother was lazy.
I know for a fact that brother took every opportunity to tell our father how well we were both doing and how poor he was in comparison.
I have never spoken to my brother since - I had "buried the hatchet" and forgiven other things in the past as Dad was dying, but it won't happen again.
I suppose what I am saying is. If you decide to disinherit one child it may ruin the relationship between the siblings.
If you split the inheritance between them, you are being the better person and not allowing your NC daughter to further think badly of you.
At the end of the day you do what you think is right.

I don’t speak to my parents,I already know I won’t get anything from them,you’re dc probably already knows,you could leave something in a trust for future grandchildren?

How do their father and sibling talk to you about this - in a sympathetic way? Gloating? Do they blame you? Do they think the NC child is reasonable or not?

Well you obviously upset them in some way

The fact you don't want to leave them anything says a lot about how cruel you want to be beyond the grave

I have 2 adult children. One of them is getting nothing in my Will, the other gets 75% and the child of the one getting nothing gets the remaining quarter held in trust till they're 25. Solicitor advised I should have a letter of wishes with the Will to explain why I haven't left one anything. I have told that child that they're getting nothing. The two siblings get on fine and see each other but are not close.

If your DC really doesn't want anything to do with you why would they accept money from you?

I would write a letter saying exactly that but leave them nothing.

you don't ever see yur parets or 3 of your children?
Are these all for different reasons?

My initial reaction was no, I wouldn't leave the nc child anything but on reflection and the fact that you have tried to build bridges, I would probably split money and property assets equally.

The other option, if the nc child has children is to leave that half to them.

But I would only leave any family heirlooms / keepsakes to the child I was in contact with e.g. jewellery, photos, art etc

Would be very interested to know why they have gone NC. I am no contact with my dad as he sided with my brother when I revealed that he abused me as a child and all the rest of the family sided with him too. No child goes NC for no reason. What did you do?

Well you obviously upset them in some way
The fact you don't want to leave them anything says a lot about how cruel you want to be beyond the grave

That's a hell of an assumption and just plain wrong. All anyone can say is that the no-contact child perceives the parent has done something or has behaviour that the child feels warrants no contact.

It may actually be nothing at all or objective nonsense. The parent may not have done anything wrong.

We all know people like this who thing their parents are "bad" because of some nonsense in the adult child's head - other sibling was the favourite (when they just weren't but they see it that way and won't be moved); parents didn't like my spouse (when they were just worried about future health safety or happiness); drug or drink problems causing psychosis or false perception.

We don't know.

I suspect that they’ve gone to some sort of therapist who has told them that their failings are due to everyone else apart from themselves.

if they have children, I’d leave something in trust for them. But the majority to your other child.

This. Split it equally.

Just adding to the chorus of its up to you and also that there are probably a lot of variables from the reason for NC to how it might impact other family dynamics once you're gone.

My dad got nothing from his dad's estate and I honestly dont 'think he gave a monkey's - he loathed the man.

A friend's SIL is vey very LC with her mother (my friend's MIL) because of some abuse she suffered at her step father's hands. I believe the mother has never taken responsibility or apologised, but I imagine my friend's DH would fully expect and support for any inheritance to be split 50/50 and I think it's totally reasonable for the daughter to expect to inherit.

Another friend, like my dad, has no contact with her father and hasn't for years. I'm pretty sure that she expects nothing from him, but I suspect she'd be very upset if he did give money to her brother and not her.

So it's complicated and each case is different.

You absolutely should, morally and on principle, give equal shares to your dc.

That’s what every parent with a moral compass does anyway.

When it comes to wills, the money is much more than money. It represents love.

And you wouldn’t be so upset by the estrangement if you had no love for this adult child.

Also, if you give unequal amounts, you die leaving your siblings set up for a life time of antipathy between them. If you give them equal, they st least have a fair crack of carrying on their relationship on an equal footing.

I have seen so many rifts between families over wills. A recent example was where a parent left more money to her adult children who were struggling financially, then to their adult child who wasn’t rich but had a good professional job. Little did this parent know, that the child who had been doing better, had been paying consistent substantial sums of money to help pay off his siblings mortgages. And then he got rewarded with a token amount by his parent, did the siblings pay him back for his kindness? Like hell they did!

Lastly, your estranged child is still your child op. Relationships may change but that will always stay the same. They emerged from your womb. And as such have an equal moral right to your legacy. In many countries, unlike in UK, this imperative is enshrined in to law.

Be the parent and the bigger person op!

Take the higher path!

Estrangement for no reason is a painful kick in the guts but leaving them equal amounts will prove more than ever just how misguided they were!

Good luck with your decision. 💐

Where did your money come from? If you inherited any, then cutting your dc out effectively cuts her out of her deceased relatives’ estate as well, whether they got on or not.

Also, if I were your DC, I’d see it as the final fuck you from beyond the grave. Proof I’d been right to distance myself.

This is underway in my extended family and I can see the DD concerned being effectively told ‘not only were we unable to meet your needs or manage our relationship while we were alive, we want to keep punishing you in death as well.

My sister has cut one of her children out of her will. She has left her DD's share to her children, she has written a letter to explain her action. She gave it a lot of heartfelt thought after years of trying, but failing to find out why her daughter went NC.

I have a similar dilemma. I have twelve nieces and nephews.
Two NC with me after my brother died. Both openly hostile. Four I have no idea where they are due to a marriage break ups. They are all adults but don't keep in touch.
I'm unwell and leaving the other six enough for a small house deposit. My DC will get a lot so I'm sharing the love.

My DB and DF were estranged for 25 years and then my DF died. I couldn’t find a will so I’m assuming he wanted for my DB to inherit half of his estate which is what happened. I would have hated it if everything had been left to me as then I would have the dilemma of whether to go against my DF’s wishes and give my brother half of my inheritance or not.

I would still leave them an equal amount. They still have your genes in them.

As a person who is NC with my parents (who would also claim that they had listened to me and tried to reconcile - they haven't) I would like you to leave "my" share of the money to my children, who were not responsible for any of this.