One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

Given that:

a) it's a significant amount of money and therefore your child you're still in contact with won't be left wanting
b) I don't know why your other child is NC with you (i.e. you could be absolutely awful for all we know! And it's very hard on a thread like this to get a clear view because it's naturally all from one person's perspective)
c) your children are still close with each other
d) you say you want to make amends and that indicates to me that from your part there isn't 'favouritism' as such - the NC is on their behalf, not yours

I think I'd split it equally. Mostly to keep things as undifficult as possible for both your children when you're no longer here - no point creating resentment between them, and if your NC child feels they have a legitimate reason to have no contact with you giving them nothing or less will feel either like a punishment or a justification.

Depends on the reasons they are NC and whether or not you think they have a point.
If you still love them equally, I would still split the will evenly. My dad was essentially disinherited (low, not no contact) and it was just conclusive proof that he was right about them all along.
Also, you don't want your legacy to be driving a wedge between the rest of the family do you?

Yes

As a child who hasnt and won't speak to either of my parents before they die, I'd prefer to be left nothing.
It would seem less than moral to use money left by a person I didn't like enough to be around when they were alive.

Don’t give them anything. If sibling wants to they can. But if they cut ties I can’t imagine they’d want anything anyway.

Are you still married to DC’s father? If you die first will money go to them and then to DC anyway?

I'd split evenly. My love for my children is unconditional and I also wouldn't want to cause a rift between the siblings after my death.

This is my feeling. The OP seems to acknowledge there were failings so still acknowledging them in the will recognises this. If they don't want it they can give it to their sibling or donate it to charity.

Don't leave the other child managing any fallout.

My dc have my unconditional love. Even if they went no contact I would leave them equal shares in my will.

Personally, no I wouldn't. Up to you in the end. You have attempted reconciliation and it has been rejected.

This is the ethical dilemmas thread. Not AIBU. I absolutely did not say I had decided to leave the NC child out of my will. I posted here as it is an ethical dilemma and I wondered if there facets of my dilemma which I had not thought of but which other people might see.

I give both DC large chunks of money at Xmas and birthdays as well as physical presents. I hear from my other DC and the children's father that the NC child shows appreciation of the gifts ("oh great, yeah I needed a new torch that's great" kind of reactions) and never have I had the money refused.

How strange that people still expect money after they’ve decided to cut their family off.

They have no right to cry about money or fall out with other family members when they made their choice years ago.

OP, do you think there's an element of happiness in the child's father that this child speaks to him but not you?

My mother didn’t which I fully expected and was fine with. It reinforced my opinion of her to be honest.

your situation may well be very different to mine. My mother was very abusive and controlling. I also said to her I was always open to sitting down to try and sort things out but that it would need an apology from her( about a specific incident which broke the camels back). She refused. Her choice. She could rewrite history like a pro and said my only reason for going NC was selfishness.

have you failed your dc?

Money in my view is pretty much synonymous with love.

OP if you truly love your DC you know the answer.

Dont be tit for tat. Be the bigger person. That’s that parents are supposed to do.

Give them the gift of love (money) that you were unable to give them in life.

Your memory will be all the greater for it and there may well be some remorse and regret on the part of your DC. That is their cross to bare.

Allow them to see that you never stopped loving them. This is the greatest gift you could give a child in the circumstances. It says I always loved you, no matter what. It keeps your memory untarnished. I can’t imagine doing anything else.

That is shocking. What an evil bitch and disgusting vile man.

I earned my wealth from my own company. I have inherited absolutely nothing.

My parent was abusive. Should have gone to prison for it abusive.

Did I deserve to be disinherited as punishment for my decision not to see that person any more?

Is your question about leaving EQUAL amounts? Or about leaving substantially different amounts?

There's no ethical element to this. This is a question of experience and wisdom. There are many good and decent reasons to leave different amounts to different children, and to leave nothing to some children and all to others. Surely you know this, and surely you know the lasting impact your actions would have on your own children? What possible new information can you receive from strangers on the internet?

Such a peculiar question.

Yes I have talked with that DC about it and after a lot of exploring the matter and how they felt, they did say they would feel hurt if my will was evenly split.

I'm NC with a parent. I think it's really, really tacky, grabby, and entitled to only come out of the woodwork to sniff around for an inheritance. Anyone who does, didn't have a genuine reason for going NC IMO.

Some people just like drama and attention and to play the victim. NC means you're dead to me already, and I don't want your money.

Great post

It's very hard to say without knowing the exact situation and family dynamics.

I've been NC with my mother for years. I have good reasons for it. She gets on well with my younger siblings and speaks with them often. I don't expect to be left anything when she dies and in fact I don't want to be, since 'you'll be sorry when I die' and claiming entirely false terminal diagnoses to try to get my attention are part of her manipulation tactics. If she did leave me something I'd feel extremely awkward and would probably end up giving it to charity. I wouldn't want to benefit from the death of someone I wanted nothing to do with in life. It would feel immoral to me.

Splitting equally isn't always the right thing to do, ethically, but I think it takes someone familiar with the particulars to judge it.

Ultimately you’re their mother. Show them that you love them equally and endlessly despite your estrangement.
If they don’t choose to accept it, at least you gave them a strong signal that your love was unwavering.