One DC has been NC for years, should they inherit equally?

[debauchedsloth]

I have 2 adult DC. One stoppped all contact with me about seven years ago and I hear from their sibling and father that they have no intention of reconnecting with me despite my sincere attempts to listen to them and understand how I have clearly failed them.

I have a very good relationship with the other DC (as does the sibling and their father).

I need to make a will and have significant value in my estate - many noughts.

Is it fair to split my estate equally between the DC given that one has decided to cut me out of their life?

I’m sorry that you are unwell Lastgig

You sound like a lovely person 💐

Where are you getting the idea that OP doesn’t want to leave the estranged child anything? Her question is whether it is fair to split the estate equally.

Why not leave half your estate to the NC child?

They are your child

You love them

Leave them the same amount of money as their sibling

I have am nc with my own mother. I have no interest in speaking to her again, as it sounds your child has. I also have siblings and in all honestly I wouldn’t care if I was getting inheritance or not, no amount of money or anything could make up for the abuse I went through. You could always speak to your other children and see what they say. In my situation it wouldn't bother me if my siblings got stuff and I didn’t as far as I am concerned I don’t have a mother so why would I want anything from her

I think whether you can sleep at night with whatever decision you make really depends on the reasons why the relationship breaks down.

My sociopath sibling treated our father like crap for decades, NC for long periods of time without even telling anyone why, expected everyone else to play go-between because they still wanted a link back... the reasons for which became obvious when DF died and suddenly she was very interested in his life and money. He did, in fact, leave everything equally amongst his children and had never had any intention of doing otherwise.

The sibling has treated our stepmother even worse over the years, alternating between deliberately ignoring her and mocking her behind her back, saying spiteful things to and about someone who had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. When DF died they started out playing happy families with DSM, but it became obvious very quickly this was only for what stepmum might be useful for.

DF also left DSM a good six figure sum to look after herself, with the wish expressed that it come back to his children if not required/spent. Well, when DSM shuffles off my sibling is going to get a nasty shock as our father's money, if any is left, will skip a generation and go straight to the grandchildren instead, which means sociopath sibling's family gets rather less than their 'fair' share. To add insult to injury, as the grandchildren are all very young the Will asks me to be Trustee and explicitly forbids my sibling benefiting from it.

The final act in all of this is that DSM - who has no family of her own - is actually quite wealthy herself anyway, which my sibling does not know and has made some very objectionable assumptions about. There's an even bigger surprise coming there!

It's going to be extremely divisive, but my relationship with this sibling is extremely strained already and it may well not last until then anyway. I've talked about it extensively with DSM and fully support her stance.

I think you should consider asking the child you are in contact with because they will be the one offering care and support. It might be difficult for them either way.

I’m no contact with both parents and want and expect nothing when they die. I think I’d be a hypocrite if I was looking for something from their estate.

leave your money however you like but don’t feel obligated to include the no contact child

Yes. Families are very hard sometimes.

I disagree with people saying it'll affect the kids relationships with each other. My sister will inherit twice what I will - and I have no issue with that. I'll still love her and my parents the same, regardless of inheritance.

Leaving money in your will isn't about being 'fair' - it's about doing what's right for your family, and your relationship with each individual, IMO. That may mean that you do leave it to both equally - but it may well mean that you don't. No one can or should tell you how to leave your money when you die.

If you love them at all, split it evenly. If you care about the other DC, who has a relationship with them, then split it evenly. Otherwise you leave a trail of further wreckage after your death.

My dad was LC with his dad (with good reasons! My grandfather was a narcissist that continuously played mind games). So was his sister.
When he died he had made a will to basically disinherit both of his dcs.

My dad said it was yet another punch in the gut. Another attack from him over the grave. It took him a long time to get over it.

Please be fair. Whatever happened with your dd, something deeply hurt her. Something you did. Don’t add to it.

On the other side, your dd might well feel manipulated beyond the grave if you split 50/50. The ‘oh look, your mum wasn’t that bad. She loved you but you couldn’t talk to her’ talk.
So 8 think you need to add a line for her to make it clear it’s not about buying her/making her feel bad/whatever it is that is at the root of the NC and you are happy with her to do whatever she wants, including giving it away to whoever she wants.

It depends on your gut. I couldn't imagine not splitting equally between my two. No child goes no contact without a reason I'm afraid.

I'd split three ways between my children receiving a third each and my siblings sharing the remaining third. This way the nc child doesn't receive 50% which they're probably not entitled to if they are nc.

Can your solicitor write a letter asking them if they'd like to be included in the will? They might not want to be included if they've gone no contact with you.

I would do half and half, make it fair.

@debauchedsloth most definitely, otherwise it will cement the feelings that they were treated unfairly and it will permanently create a divide between the siblings! I have been there so I know!!!

I think I’d split it either evenly or maybe two thirds in favour of the child you are speaking with. It is very hard for most people to go no or low contact with a parent so I think some reflection on why this may be the case would be worthwhile.

For reference my partners mother inherited all of his grandfathers estate. Her brother was no contact with the family for decades with everyone t he just one day decided to cut everyone out of his life. I’m certain that he must have his reasons as it would be very unusual in my eyes for this to happen. I think there is an element of ‘golden child’ syndrome in their family dynamics, since I’ve seen this with my mother in law’s behaviour with her two dc and grandchildren.

Maybe take a moment to revisit why you are estranged and see if you can repair the relationship.

If by any chance you live in Scotland, you wouldn't be able to just disinherit a child. You can put whatever you like in your will but the offspring has legal rights that supersede your wishes if they chose to challenge this. The rest of the UK is different I believe.

If you want to cause your children a lot of grief and discord after your death, then by all means cut one of them out.

If it was me, I’d leave 50/50. I’d want to show I love them both and dont have favourites. If you leave it unevenly, you’ll be spreading the unhappiness and upset down further generations, and further justifying the reasons the child has gone NC.

My MIL would claim to have no idea why one of her children has little to do with her, but its clear to everyone else its because she very much favours her daughter and golden youngest child.

I think it depends on why they went NC with you - was it something you did or didn't do, or are they blaming you for things which have gone wrong in their life which are not your fault. Are they simply NC with you, or have they made allegations about you to other family members?

The other issue is the amount you leave to each child, if you decide to include the estranged child anything, it doesn't have to be 50/50, you could leave them 10% or 25%.

If they are still NC with you when you die, they're not going to rethink their actions, and think positively of you if you leave them 50%, they'll still blame you for whatever it is they're holding you accountable for, as they will blame you if you leave nothing or 10%.

I don't think you should feel you have to leave them anything, unless they are vulnerable in some way.

Are either you or your sister NC with a parent? It's a different dynamic entirely.

And people are only telling her how to leave her money because she asked!

Somehow mumsnet always assumes the parent is at fault - but even if the parent feels that way sometimes it is the child who is the one causing the hurt. I've known children steal from the parents to fund a drug habit, children who are narcissists. The idea that everything a child does is somehow correct and everything a parent does is wrong is plain silly.

I wouldnt leave the NC child 50%. They will have hurt you badly by doing this and I doubt you do love them equally with the easier child. Nor would I tell them why in advance - then you would be trying to buy them.

Hmmm it would depend I think on what our relationship was like pre no -contact and if I think their upset was valid. Some people are just atseholes. If they fall into that camp then no I don’t think I’d be bequeathing the estate to them. If they’d had a shit upbringing through circumstance out of their control then I’d probably have them in the will.

out of interest do the siblings have a relationship with each other?

As they are no contact with you do you think they would want your money, or would they disclaim it on principle?

I would split equally. I chose to be ds parent no matter what. To me, my love and my role as his parent are not conditional in any way. If things got bad enough that he no longer wanted to have contact with me then I'd still want to fulfil my role as a parent by trying to give him some security for the future even if it was from a distance. So I'd split equally and your nc child can choose what to do with their portion of the inheritance as they see fit.

If you pass it will cause pain even if you were nc and the last thing I'd want to do is create opportunity for more conflict between siblings. If you split equally you reduce this risk