Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

Time is aging her as its ageing everyone.

Lots of people struggle with driving in the dark and more so now with dazzling headlights. Plenty of younger folks prefer to drive in daylight rather than the dark. I was a passenger in the dark for the first time since last winter and I have to say that in heavy rain, it wasn’t too pleasant. I may or may not adjust as winter progresses. I’m another one with an astigmatism, so it does affect how I see things especially lights in the dark be it walking or in a car.

Had a fall, fallen over, they are both generally the same thing in you go from upright and hit the ground. Rather than accusing her of aging herself, I would be more concerned about what led to her falling and any injury. It could have just been one of those things that she tripped over something, slipped on a wet surface, got knocked over by a dog and a one off event. If it’s more than that, further exploration of the cause could be helpful. Is she frail before her years, has she got poor balance, is there another underlying health issue?

I stopped driving at night in my 40s. Headlights would dazzle me and I stopped being able to judge space and distance. It was horrible, even driving on well lit roads that I'd driven for years. Being temporarily blinded by headlights also instills a sense of panic. It was safer for everyone that I stopped.
61 is a perfectly reasonable age to stop driving in the dark due to night vision.

Our bodies age, it's the reason we all die even without major health issues. Part of the ageing process is our immune system defences slowing down and unable to control infections younger people could get rid off with a simple course of antibiotics.

All our organs age - liver, kidneys, heart ...eyes. Genetics play a big role but even the healthiest living can't stop the ageing process.

Acknowleging we don't have the same vision or defences we had when we were younger, it's not ageing. It's the truth.

@Startrekobsessed I'm 63. I don't really like night driving or going out at night but do plenty during the day. But the fall...does she excersise? If she's just on her iPad all day she needs to seriously look at her activity levels. I do sit about a bit but I'm in the gym lifting heavy weights 4 times a week.
I can understand the night driving but I sense you are concerned about her general activity levels which you should be.

You can get night driving glasses that reduce glare.

My parents move into a block of flats, and above them lived a lady in her 90s, very active. This basically shamed my parents into being more active because they were 20 years younger than her!

The key difference between falling over and having a fall is that the first indicates that you have some agency, whereas the second is that it's passive - that it happens to you. It's important to keep that first mindset. Get your mother doing balance and strengthening exercises to reduce the likelihood of falling over (and reducing the damage if she does). I'm older than your mother and most people I know of my age and older are very keen not to fall into that old person state of mind.

My mil does this. She also “had a fall”🙄 Also won’t drive at night. Won’t drive when the roads are said to be icy. Won’t lift anything heavier than a dinner plate (someone has to put her weekend bag in the boot for her). Won’t sit on the floor as that’s too much for her knees/says she won’t get back up again. Shakes her head like she’s mid-80s at least when she talks. Dresses like she’s mid-80s. Doesn’t use makeup/doesn’t get nails done, etc. Stopped proper work over a decade ago. Moved to a place that’s isolated her. Isn’t particularly interested to hear anyone else talk or their thoughts.

btw she’s a quarter of a century off being mid-80s! It’s so, so bad for her. Other women her age still work, use tech in the same way a 20yo does, wear makeup, have relationships, exercise so as to have muscle mass, wear heels and bikini, have nice haircuts, even get Botox, run around with grandkids and wear jeans and sneakers…

i have no idea what one would do that to themselves for. And have no advice. But it is sad to watch!

Contrary to popular opinion aging is not just an attitude that you can magically fix with positive thinking. I am significantly younger than your mother but I find my knees are freaking, my eyes have stopped working and my back is constantly sore. I imagine a fall would take me out for a couple of days laid up with ice packs and seriously hurting. It's great that you haven't experienced this yet but don't push your wishy washy self belief nonsense onto the rest of us who are experiencing very real physical symptoms of getting older. No amount of positive vibes and having a younger attitude can stop the progression of time.

61 is a perfectly reasonable age to stop driving in the dark due to night vision

No, it isn't. Stopping driving due to night vision problems is appropriate at any age. After medical investigations.

*breaking not freaking. Curse Mumsnet for removing my edit button.

I get where you're coming from. My DM was old before her time. At 50 she was saying things like 'Ooh at my age...' and acting like an old lady.
I'm now 20 years older than that and no way would say I had 'a fall'. Actually last year I did fall over but I was playing netball! 😂 I lead a very active life and even having my 70th birthday this year I still feel young, fit and happy with life.
I understand about the night driving, the brighter headlights don't help but there's no way would it stop me going out! I can imagine the hours spent on her IPad won't help your DM'S eyesight.
It sounds like since stopping work her world has become smaller, she might need your support to get out there and maintain or create friendships. I hope you'll be able to change her mindset otherwise she has a long, boring retirement to look forward to.

I think you're on to something with the fact that driving is different than it was 5 - 10 years ago. There are many more cars on the road than there were 10 years ago and also an influx of delivery drivers, many of whom seem to drive like they're possessed.

We all drove less during Covid and since then car numbers have increased. Headlights have become more dazzling and cars are bigger so the lights are nearer eye level. The biggest difference I notice is the aggression and impatience levels of drivers has risen. Even in my small town I see drivers ranting around in tearing haste. Even people just pottering to the shops are frantic.

Drivers are more likely to drive erratically or tail gate. I really notice the tailgating on the motorway, especially by trucks. Is that them on cruise control or just meeting tighter deadlines?

If you're 60 you've probably been driving 40 years and cars, the roads, the sheer amount of signage/smart motorways/roadworks is absolutely unrecognisable from the conditions of only 20 years ago.

You can adapt, but it still feels strange and often bloody horrible.

exactly

mn as always sucks ass or pretends to be stupid for the fun of it

you absolutely have a point OP and it is a shame for your mother

Just let her be how she wants to be. Imagine if when you were a kid she tried to change your personality, pushing you into doing what you didn't want to do.

As long as she's ok, happy with her choices then leave her alone and stop judging her.

I'd also suggest she gets an eye appointment to be checked for cataracts. I have cataracts and lights at night look like sparklers. Modern car headlights are a nightmare. I first started noticing this in my 60s.

They absolutely do test for aging vision. They are looking for cataracts, macular degeneration, glaucoma, age related close work issues (normal from age 40 onwards) and they will absolutely tell you if your eyesight is falling below the standard required for driving.

It is anti aging dressed up as faux concern.

Im in my 40s, having a fall is a thing now, a group of friends and I were half laughing, half sad about it. You don’t jump up as you did, you bruise easier, you feel it for days after and you start being nervous. Yes we sound 90. I’ve no issue with night driving but my friend (45) recently stayed over somewhere so she wouldn’t have to drive an hour at night

I'm 72, I realise what the signs of ageing are, I'm getting a few of them, so the lecture isn't needed.

OP you’re getting a tough time here but when I read your first pos I thought, oh that’s just like my mother and it’s not so much what she’s complaining about more it’s an example of mentality as others have said.

My mother is a similar age and I’ve reasoned that this is her setting us up to manipulate us into doing everything for her and also for attention. She talks of having falls, getting a telecare alarm, won’t get a train if it means more than one change, has taken her last ‘long haul’ flight and many other things apparently due to her age. She has no health issues. She seems to pounce on us the minute we are in her home and has us doing all manner of things she could have done herself. She also sits and watches day time TV or sits on an iPad all day and lives her life through that.

If you don’t want to be supporting her long before she needs it I’d suggest strict boundaries now.

Alondra · Today 08:14
Opticians look for healthy eyes without najor problems. They don't test for ageing vision and how it affect our confidence in driving.

@Alondra Have you had an eye test recently? Opticians check for everything with a full eye test.

You can have healthy eyes (eg no cataracts, AMD or glaucoma) but have loss of vision with age. Many older people wear glasses because their eyes have aged! The muscles stiffen and are less able to adapt to external changes of light and distance (as explained by an optician!)

fascinating idea that somebody is "ageing themselves" I would quite like to unage myself byt not sure how to go about it.

It's perfectly clear what OP means.

There are some people who consider themselves 'old' and 'over the hill' at relatively young ages. They make their age a reason not to do things, rather than their physical and mental health.

It was a light hearted comment.