Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

It's the not working that keeps me feeling younger. But then I did a very physical manual job outdoors.

I don't like night driving and I'm in my thirties. Headlights just seem so bright these days, they're blinding. And if she fell over, she did have a fall - what's the difference between the two?

This.

I felt like a 30 year old 5 years ago.

Then I got an auto immune disease as I'm wrecked and feel 90 some days. Im late 40s.

Also hate driving at night really hurts my eyes! I didn't realise it was such a thing.

It's really not for you OP to say how young/old a person should act or feel.

One is what young people do and one is what old people do (in my opinion!). no one ever says a child ‘had a fall’. But I get it’s subjective.

the night driving I do understand, it’s not fun but I personally feel she’s limiting herself but now not being able to drive at night. I wouldn’t say anything it is her choice. She doesn’t have any sight problems.

she’s not worked in 4 years, she does have friends who he sees occasionally but she spends most of her time playing games on her iPad. That’s not really ageing her in anyway though.

I just worry she will manifest herself into an ‘old’ lady very quickly when she should be enjoying life. Her choice of course.

Age.

If you hurt yourself falling down and have to go to the doctors - if you are in your 20s you fell over, if in your 60s you had a fall. Not sure where the cross over age occurs.
Fell last week (tripped on a kerb) and in discussion with the doctor, it turns out I "had a fall", I'm 62, (he was about the same age!) made me feel old.😟

Old ladies enjoy life too. Just in a way that younger people don't understand/value.

When did she last see an optician? Cataracts can develop quickly and you aren't always aware you have them until an optician points it out.

As she is your mother there's a fair chance you are going to regret your comments on her issues with night vision... it could be something you also suffer with.

It actually quite depressing and debilitating. And it's biology .. not a character flaw!

If she doesn't feel safe driving at night she is probably right not to drive. My vision at night is really blurry compared to daytime. It is scary. I'm only 53. I can see myself stopping night driving by 60. No astigmatism. No cataracts.

Has she seen an optician? Cataracts are common at 60, and they cause havoc with night driving. Opticians warn about it.

I'm in perimenopause and finding driving at night increasingly difficult. I have astigmatism and get dazzled by oncoming headlights. I don't like it but it is what it is.

I fell over once when I went to give blood. Called all my family to inform them I’d had a fall. I was 24 😂 but I love the drama

I wonder how many older people can think back to times we thought, 'Oh, why doesn't mum still ski/drive at night/wear heels, she's letting herself get old'?

Then now we've older, our mums are long gone, it's us facing aging and we wish we'd tried harder to understand. Sorry mum.

Fell over or had a fall . Had a fall is more formal and clinical and more referred to in a clinical report for the elderly . I am older then your mum
and if I fell I would say I fell over . So I can see what you mean with your mum saying that. But I don’t know about that ageing her .

I think it can feel scary when our parents get older.

69 here and hate driving in the dark because I have early stage cataracts which make head lights very glaring to me. I also take care not to fall over but I’m slim fit active healthy

Has there been a change in her circumstances/friendship group recently?

My DM started to do this after she retired and was widowed in her late 50s. The people around her in similar circumstances were in their 70s and older and she started to copy their mannerisms and language.

Falling over - observers chortle and you either get up instantly by yourself or your friend hoiks you up one handed.

Having a fall - observers gasp and look worried and your friends do a checklist of body parts that you can still move without pain before two of them carefully lift you back to your feet.

@Startrekobsessed Is there any way MIL could influence her, or do they not like each other?

Unfortunately some people are like this, honestly, I have met children who act middle-aged! I am 73 and doing my best to keep going and not give in, but I know people 20 years younger than me who constantly moan about things like stiff joints, and then say it's only to be expected at their age!

The driving at night is understandable, I think it was the RAC that did research saying 70%of all drivers find the modern LED headlights dazzling. I got special driving glasses with a coating to reduce glare (Specsavers!) and they make a huge difference.

Have you asked her straight out if she's feeling old or depressed? Has she had a full medical MOT with her GP? Maybe she has an underlying medical condition which is pulling her down.

Good luck.

The lens thickens and discolours at around that age. Driving at night is affected. I had lens replaced because I needed surgery for glaucoma. I now don't have any trouble driving at night. The NHS in our health board won't do cataract surgery until sight is really poor unfortunately.

What is it that’s leading you to doubt your DM is experiencing changes in her eyesight and/or mobility?
If it’s not physical changes in your opinion, what are you thinking is causing her psychological change?

Its understandable given your mil is the opposite. There is no one rule for 'aging' & often its a mental attitude. I know people in their 70s who attend my zoomba class, look fabulous & are full of life. The opposite can be true. Everyone is different. Your mum is still relatively young. Have a chat with her & tell her how you feel.

I had an awful drive tonight at 5.30pm in the dark, my vision was quite swampy, and I'min my 40s. I have astigmatism and have found driving at night difficult since my early 30s.

Don't be so mean. It sounds like you just don't like your mum.

any advice greatly appreciated

What specifically are you looking for "advice" on?

I am early 60s and considering my options job wise because my commute is an hour each way . I am now really struggling with night driving and last night driving home at 830 pm was a struggle. I work 12 hour shifts so the combination of being very tired and driving too and from work in the dark is really stressful.
I have lost my footing a few times in the last few years ,one involving a dislocated shoulder and broken arm . Was it ‘a fall ‘ or was I just a clumsy person…really not sure tbh .

I agree. Lots of people don't like driving at night.

The general rule is that young people "fall over", older people "have a fall" 😊