Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

When they die, you'll be able to have a marathon session.

Perhaps some of these women who are slowing down and isolating deserve the same sort of compassion as those struggling with family, jobs and menopause.

I think you are being very judgemental.

Your mother has made a reasoned assessment of what she is able to do safely - respect her for that.

The concept of having a fall or simply falling over is an interesting one - my friends and I were debating why one applies to older people and not to others - and at what elusive point does this transition occur!

I think you should just get stuck in to worshipping your faultless MIL!!

I’m not confident driving much at all now , let alone when it’s dark when I’m temporarily blinded by oncoming headlights .
I am 62 and the optician last time mentioned the very beginnings of cataracts.
i was horrified but apparently if you eat well etc , protect eyes from sunlight then you can slow the progression and he didn’t tell me my prescription had changed at all but he was very rushed so next time I’m asking for another optician ( there are a few )
Also the lack of certain hormones means you can lose the “ calm “ hormone which means you can potentially become a more anxious driver .
I also managed to fall out of a back door to a garden wearing chunky sneakers 🤪but I described it as “ I fell over” not “ I had a fall “ .
Otherwise I’m looking after a large home by myself ,no cleaner to help , I’m carer for my adult disabled daughter and I’m still to be found standing on worktops 🤪😳to clean windows etc , my flexibility is good and I walk my dog an hour most days

If its her choice then keep your beak out

My dad doesn’t like driving at night now. That’s his choice if he doesn’t feel comfortable.

I’m not sure why you’d want your mum driving if she doesn’t feel safe doing it.

If she’s worked most of her life and only gave up 4 years ago age 57 .. then she’s worked enough and is likely exhausted post menopause, come back and tell us all about it when you are 61

I am about that age and working full time. I understand where ops mum is coming from. It's obviously too young to give up. But you do begin to confront the fact you are ageing. I have friends my age who have died. Cancer almost seems common. And injuries take way longer to heal. So you do start feeling a bit more vulnerable physically even if your health is good.

I haven't read the whole thread but find it so depressing.

Newer car headlights are mostly LED and are much brighter-there are a lot of problems associated with them making night driving difficult.

I also didn't realise that "had a fall" was something that only happened to old people? I think I might say someone had a fall regardless of age but never really thought about it.

@Startrekobsessed I am interested in why you are so bothered? Is your DM happy (in her opinion) is she self sufficient?
It is normal to slow down a bit for some people. Some ppl run marathons at 80 and some like a quieter life earlier.

Maybe encourage her to get out? A bit of volunteering? Does she live somewhere where she can walk to things? Get a non screen hobby?
A dog?
She might just need help adjusting to a new life phase.

My mum decided at 60 she was an old aged pensioner (This was in about 2010, not the 1950s, and her exact words not mine) and started living that life. Her school friend (ie of the same age) said she’d never been so busy and had loads to look forward to, and to get over herself.

@autumnalannie she was an old age pensioner. I don't know what living that life means though although people in their twenties live a stereotypical old persons life if that is what they like. So I have never liked clubs or loud parties. I am happy meeting a friend for a coffee or a quiet pint in a pub.

I have had two ‘falls’ - knocking teeth out and causing serious injuries! I get what you’re saying as I get annoyed when people say I’ve ‘had a fall’ rather than ‘fell over’ but I think it’s primarily a me problem (& expensive to fix )

I'm 51, driving at night is fine at the moment and my sight isn't yet poor enough to legally need glasses for driving, but I got some with lenses that reduce glare anyway, just in case it becomes a thing before my next eye test.

I'm in my 40's and if my eyesight gets much worse I'll likely have to stop driving at night too. It's not something I want to do or I'm doing on a whim. I'll literally be unsafe to drive at that time.

I also "had a fall" last year. I think the difference between the two is if you can get yourself up and go about your day afterwards. On this occasion, I couldn't, as I managed to twat both my knees and an elbow on a hard floor and could barely stand for a couple of days afterwards.

As others have said, maybe there are reasons for the driving thing but some people are just like this. I had a mate who behaves this way and she's done it for yeeeears. When we turned 30 it was all "oh I can't wear that now, I'm over 30" and I'd be like "I'm the same age! we're younger than Beyonce and Britney, we can wear whatever the heck we like! I've never felt better!" and it's got worse as we've neared our mid 40s. She was born middle aged.

It's ok to say to your mum "you're only 61!" and "you're younger than so-and-so".

I have jokingly said I've "had a fall" when I fell in the bath this year and bruised myself badly.

Some people just love to lean into it and that's fine. It's also fine to remind her that she's still a spring chicken in the grander scheme of things.

It doesn't make you old if you don't do all the high maintenance makeup and skincare routines, botox and nails done.

I think honestly it’s hard to understand until you’re there yourself, how you’ll feel when you’re starting to age. It sounds like your mum may be realising her limitations and having a wobble in confidence. Be gentle with her. Nagging her or telling her what she should be doing won’t do any good - maybe plan some things with her that she’ll enjoy, to boost her confidence a bit? (Take her away for a weekend somewhere new, go shopping together, if you live local meet up for a weekly walk?).

I know. I feel like some people have been saying "I'm so olllllddd!" since they turned 19.

Is your mum on HRT? One of my menopause symptoms was feeling very wobbly and off balance. It's because your inner ear is affected by lack of oestrogen. Menopause also can cause anxiety and loss of confidence.

If a person is 60 and still thinking the same as when they were 40 they are missing out and haven't evolved or matured at all.

That point sums up this whole thread really. A 40 year old cannot possibly understand what it is to be a 60 year old. How could they possibly understand what another 20 years will do to them mentally, physically, emotionally, in terms of aspirations, concerns, the things that make us happy.

The emotional intelligence and imagination required to be able to fully empathise with someone 20 years our senior is a rare thing.

One of my menopause symptoms was feeling very wobbly and off balance. It's because your inner ear is affected by lack of oestrogen.

I will look out for that, so far I feel more confident and balanced as I've lost weight and I've always had a bit of BPPV and vertigo on some sets of stairs and escalators at the best of times.

This post is a good example of a younger person's view of what an older person should want based on their own life view.

Not specific to your MIL @SomethingYum but the things that seem important to happiness at 30 are not always important to someone at 55, 65 or beyond.

Botox, bikinis, heels, work, make up might seem the gold standard at 40 but post menopause, with 20 years more life experience other things are often much more profound, satisfying, sustaining, interesting and rewarding. Not in every case, but often. Time becomes very precious and getting biking ready or worrying about wrinkles can seem a very empty way to spend it.

I'm in my 60s and have a life full to the brim with hobbies, friends, family, love, dogs, sea swimming, hill walking, volunteering, gardening............but heels, botox, bikinis - fuck that.

You might not know why I would do that to myself but if you're lucky to live long enough you might find out. It's a joy.

That's interesting, thanks
When I tripped and fell and broke a bone, not a leg bone, one in my upper body, I had great difficulty getting up as I usually rely on pushing up with an arm, but I had to do,.I couldn't reach my phone to get help. I was asked on many occasions in hospital.what happened, and I imagined that they needed to work out if there was an underlying medical reason for the fall, had I blacked out perhaps, did that need investigating as well as dealing with the broken bones, or has someone attacked me, that sort of thing

This.

My dad had a car smash over a decade ago - he never drove again. Turns out he had cataracts and it was fixed brilliantly on the NHS - but way past 80 his car driving days were over. No more trips to Sainsbury's at the Mall, it might have been the end of his golf too, so those two things aged him at once. He wasn't driving at night, however.

Had a fall? Well, leg exercises, burpees or something are very important because it's the fall that later kills you. Get a bone density test, too.

In fact, take advantage of your mother's 'frailty' to future-proof stuff - grant you LPA in Health and Welfare and Finance. I do understand this stuff can be depressing for the OP however, that feeling that time is marching on, it's a bit 'Do not go gentle into that good night...'

I was looking at our wedding photos (27th anniversary last week) and looked at my mum, MIL, aunties etc and had a sudden realisation that those white/silver/grey haired ladies were YOUNGER than I am today.
So although I am older by a year or 2 at 62 and have "had a fall" or 2, my world seems much bigger and busier.
Perhaps your mum feels like she should be slowing down, like a lot of the previous generation - retiring, and slowing down, at 60.