Mother ageing herself - any advice?

[Startrekobsessed]

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

I can understand your feelings if she not working or volunteering and has limited social time.

How far away do you live? Would you be able to meet her say once a week for a gym session or yoga?

Is she interested in adding some purpose to her life?

It doesn’t sound as though she’s putting in the foundations for an active old age.

I’m early 50s and hate driving at night these days, I only do it if I have to. I have difficulty with oncoming lights especially LEDs. My DM in her mid 80s is still driving daily and very independent but stopped driving at night years ago.

Bus pass, walking group, yoga classes, swimming and volunteering.

She needs to get out socialising and keep fit/flexible or she’ll keep falling over.

I'm surprised anyone can drive at night. Headlights are like lasers these days. Awful. I'm 61 and all of a sudden feel a lot more achy than I used to. Joint pain that I didn't have before. Maybe your mum has similar and she's feeling a bit more vulnerable.

Youre getting a bit of a rough ride here OP but I completely get what you're saying. My aunt also slipped into 'early age' and seemed to make up her mind that she was now past going out, handling her life admin etc - she wanted to be taken care of, deferred to and almost overnight started dressing 'for comfort and practicality' etc etc - all these small things may seem inconsequential and absolutely a matter of choice, but she also narrowed her world and her experiences a lot, and her dependence on my cousins increased, when actually she was still comparitively young, had many years ahead of her, good health and a fair income and could have had a really lovely active retirement, instead of going from middle aged to elderly within three months and limiting herself so much. But as so many others have said, its really their choice.

My mother’s attitude is 'if I could do it yesterday, I can do it today' @theleafandnotthetree I love this! A lot of ageing is about mindset. I’m determined to stay physically healthy and fit into old age having seen one of my parents become so frail, but the mental side is just as important.

My mum and dad and my husband's mum and dad are pretty much the same age and the difference in the two of them is stark. My mum and dad are really active involved in local groups walking to town. Etc, my husband's mum and dad.Sit in the house, watch television and do nothing more than that. We have tried taking them out places, driving them places encouraging to come around, etc.They just don't want to. Both mine and my husband's assessment is that my mum and dad seem much happier and enjoy life more, but that might just be our judgement. From your post, it appears you're judging this on only two small factors, and from other people's post, you can see lots of people don't like driving at night, so it may be you're just being overly worried. If you're right, you can't force people to do things they don't want to do, but you can do encouraging things. Encourage them to go to local groups, take them out places and things like that, going around regularly and make sure they have company always really good as well.

I understand your concerns and assume you have more examples. 61 is not old and it's important to have a positive mindset about your capabilities. Especially if she is retired - that's young to be retired! - she has time to do plenty for herself. Without health problems, 60s is often a wonderful decade. DM was so busy studying, many hobbies, travel. She's 89 now with dementia and vision loss - I'm sure does feel old. I'm happy she had many years of retirement that she enjoyed and got the most out of.

With your mum, all you can do it encourage her - suggest things she might like doing.

Driving at night - as many pp say, just one of those things that some people struggle with. It's never good to encourage people to drive when they don't feel safe to do so. But she can have alternative transport plans and or focus on daytime plans.

I understand what you mean OP. My mother did this. They start talking about themselves being frail and unable to do things when they are really quite healthy and in their early 60s. I felt my mother did this to get others to do things for her and acted all weak and fragile to manipulate others.
I am not sure if this is your mother, but it was mine at that age.

I understand your concern. I'm 60 and drive at any time, as do most of my friends of a similar age. I work full time, travel, enjoy life and clothes and fashion just the same as I always have. My friends are the same and all are in their 60s. I have one friend who is like your mum and her world is shrinking. Its sad to see and I can see why you are worried about it.

You are being ridiculous, unfair and have no concept how age affect us all.

I'm 66 and I don't drive at night. I have good vision but no longer have the confidence I had 10-15 years ago and without the confidence I don't drive at night except very locally. I don't put myself or other driver's at risk.

Few people I know, including those with 40-50 years driving experience since their teens, like driving at night. Peripheral vision diminishes with age aland reaction times also slower.

Your mom is ageing and slowing down. It's a biology factor it will also affect you if you are still alive at her age.

Before my 90 year old DM died recently she’d fallen over while out with a friend. She was adamant she’d not ‘had a fall’ to hospital staff as, in her mind, that would have been to do with frailty and My God she wasn’t frail!

My aunt did this, aged herself before her time. She is very lucky her friends still drive & are happy to give her lifts otherwise she would be very isolated.

Why do you say she doesn't have sight problems? Many people in their sixties have poor night vision and stop driving in the dark, which is a jolly good thing for road safety.
Agree she's young to be having a fall'. She sounds worried about her health. Does she fall often?

I was going to suggest this. Everyone I know who has had cataract operations found them transformative.

I don't know if there is much you can do OP but I think youre right, there is actually scientific research showing that having an "im getting olld" attitude hastens actual physical ageing probably exactly for the reasons you fear - fewer new experiences, less social contact and less exercise.

A lot, that’s the point of her point.

Can you even say this on MNs?! Posters like to pretend ageing isn’t even a thing & get very defensive. Maybe because the average user will be closer to the OPs mum age?

That isn’t the norm though, most people who are 60 would do and think the same as they would when they were 40. Which is ‘why don’t I have the confidence to drive at night any more and what can I do about it?’ rather than think it’s because of their age.

I think being stuck inside all day playing on the ipad is very ageing - she would loose mobility very quickly!

I started to hate driving at night in my 40's. Mainly because I can't see due to the headlights.

What the appropriate age for a woman to 'age herself'? Should it not be a matter for a woman herself, living her life in her body, to decide which things she feels confident about, rather than working to a timeline set by other people?

Tell me you are not an over 60 driver without telling me.

You can have good vision and not the peripheral vision necessary to drive at night when you are an older driver. Shrinking pupils, glare sensitivity, reduction in brain speed processes afect us all when we get older.

Biology 101 - our bodies age and acknowleging we can't drive how we use to, keep us and other drivers safe.

Lots of people of all ages need glasses to drive. This makes it difficult at night. In some places the street lights switch off at midnight.

I totally get what you are saying, the night driving and the fall are just examples of a mentality.

My mother had this and by 63 was waiting to die, barely moving, never going out, every Christmas the last so we had to be very aware of her wishes and whims.
My DF died when she was 70 and since then she has been completely dependent on support and then care. She’s now 87 and not only her life has been limited but mine, my brother’s and our partners’ as well.

She’s has dominated my darkest days, and I wish I’d been less sympathetic and a lot more focused in my support.

Heck. I’m same age and have full working life and caring responsibilities. But I will no longer drive at night as I can’t see adequately. That’s not aging myself. It’s safety.