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Elderly parents

Mother ageing herself - any advice?

282 replies

Startrekobsessed · Yesterday 21:14

My mum has started really ageing herself, she’s started saying she doesn’t like driving at night anymore so avoids doing it and she fell over and called it she ‘had a fall’, she’s 61!

I worry she’s going to start letting her world get smaller and ageing herself much too young, any advice on how to help? My MIL is late 70s and hell would freeze over before she said she had a fall 🤣

any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 09:56

I always though falling over was when there was a cause to the fall, and 'having a fall' was when you fell over due to muscle weakness or unsteadiness on the feet? So you fall over if you trip over the dog or slip on a loose rug, but you have a fall if your legs just go from under you without reason.

One tends to happen to older people, the other could happen to anyone. Mind you, I'm in my sixties and was absolutely outraged when a much-older friend rang me to ask if I hadn't been in touch because I'd 'had a fall'. I hadn't been in touch because I was AT WORK!

SevenYellowHammers · Today 10:03

NormasArse · Yesterday 21:50

Ask your optician about film for your lenses which stops the diffusion of headlights. I couldn’t drive at night, but now I can!

Good point, I was going to mention that I use multi focal contact lenses and (as well as avoiding reading glasses) I don’t get headlights flare when night driving.

Additup · Today 10:05

DeftGoldHedgehog · Today 09:30

It doesn't make you old if you don't do all the high maintenance makeup and skincare routines, botox and nails done.

True, but it does makes you old if you give up on life in your 60s and you convince yourself you're 'too old'.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · Today 10:06

I stopped driving at night in my 40s for the reasons many other people have explained. Luckily,I live in an area with great public transport and many Uber drivers so it was never a problem.

I'm in my 60s now and would be reluctant to describe falling over as having a fall but I think that could be trying to deny the aging process!

Don't compare your mum to your MIL. Everyone ages differently. Let your mum age in a way that suits her. Trying to force her to do things the way you think she should is controlling.

RottenApplesSpoilTheLot · Today 10:07

Startrekobsessed · Yesterday 22:01

One is what young people do and one is what old people do (in my opinion!). no one ever says a child ‘had a fall’. But I get it’s subjective.

the night driving I do understand, it’s not fun but I personally feel she’s limiting herself but now not being able to drive at night. I wouldn’t say anything it is her choice. She doesn’t have any sight problems.

she’s not worked in 4 years, she does have friends who he sees occasionally but she spends most of her time playing games on her iPad. That’s not really ageing her in anyway though.

I just worry she will manifest herself into an ‘old’ lady very quickly when she should be enjoying life. Her choice of course.

I know exactly what you mean - I'm in my 70's and my friends and I joke about the fell over / had a fall distinction. God forbid any of us "had a fall".

My mother was an old lady in her 60's, my exMIL was visiting her "old ladies" well into her 80's. It is a mindset and I remain inspired by ex-MIL not to fall prey to it and turn into my own mother....

TBH I'm not sure what you can do about it - we tried everything with my mother to engage her with life, but she just resisted and wanted to be left alone. She was just weary of life in the end. I had to learn to just let her be who she chose to be - and vow not to be like her, despite my love of solitude!

bafta16 · Today 10:09

I regret how I spoke to my mother when she got older. I am now the older.

However, in my defence they were extremely seflish.

Additup · Today 10:13

RedSpotTeaPot · Today 09:32

If a person is 60 and still thinking the same as when they were 40 they are missing out and haven't evolved or matured at all.

That point sums up this whole thread really. A 40 year old cannot possibly understand what it is to be a 60 year old. How could they possibly understand what another 20 years will do to them mentally, physically, emotionally, in terms of aspirations, concerns, the things that make us happy.

The emotional intelligence and imagination required to be able to fully empathise with someone 20 years our senior is a rare thing.

With respect this is nonsense. I'm only 3 years off 60 and I don't feel much different to when I was 40. I can assure you I'm emotionally mature, not missing out and I'm evolved (whatever that means).

Obviously I look older but that's about it. I am fortunate I'm in good health though, reasonably fit and I have a positive attitude.

DeftGoldHedgehog · Today 10:18

Additup · Today 10:05

True, but it does makes you old if you give up on life in your 60s and you convince yourself you're 'too old'.

Some people are old in their 60s though and not everyone has good health or wellbeing and many people don't even make it that far. It used to be retirement age for good reasons.

I hope I won't be considering myself to be in my dotage in ten years' time but I also think it's absolutely ok to consider yourself old or slow down or make your world smaller or life easier if you want to. Some people have just had enough.

We must resist the pernicious narrative being pressed upon us by society that we have to be youthful, healthy and appear much younger than we are, or otherwise we are of no value. Particularly women.

Being old is often painted as the worst thing you can be and to be avoided. we are encouraged to hide our age or say that people "look good for their age".

Fuck off with that, frankly. I do look good but I am proudly 51 and am not trying to be 31. Anyway at 31 I had a two year old and was knackered.

koffielepeltje · Today 10:21

This is an AI generated answer but I think it is worth a read (I've omitted the reference links as these may screw up the formatting.) I've added some comments of my own at the end.

Q: Is there a physiological difference between older people falling over and having a fall?

A: Medically and physiologically, "falling over" (an accidental slip or trip) and "having a fall" (an older adult experiencing an unprovoked or medically driven descent) are distinct clinical events. In everyday language, people often use the phrases interchangeably, but geriatrics and clinical medicine distinguish a casual stumble from a clinical fall based on underlying physiology, root causes, and systemic impact.

1. The Core Physiological Difference

  • Accidental/Mechanical Fall (Falling Over): This is typically a mechanical event caused by an external hazard (such as a loose rug, a misstepped curb, or poor lighting) where a younger or older person simply loses their footing. While an older adult may still get injured due to brittle bones, the event itself is triggered by environment or a simple loss of physical traction rather than an acute failure of a bodily system.
  • Clinical Fall ("Having a Fall"): In older adults, a fall is frequently the manifestation of an underlying physiological breakdown or acute medical trigger. Instead of just tripping, the body's integrated balance systems fail to compensate. Physiological causes include:
  • Cardiovascular events: Postprandial hypotension (blood pressure dropping after eating), orthostatic hypotension (blood pressure dropping upon standing), or cardiac arrhythmias causing sudden syncope (fainting).
  • Neuromuscular and sensorimotor decline: Sarcopenia (age-related muscle mass loss), selective loss of fast-twitch muscle fibers, and delayed reaction times.
  • Sensory and vestibular degradation: Declines in peripheral sensation, vision (e.g., cataracts, glaucoma), and inner-ear/vestibular function.
  • Acute systemic triggers: Infections (like a urinary tract infection), dehydration, or sudden delirium that present first as a fall.

2. Clinical and Diagnostic Distinction

  • Definition by Consequence and Context: Medical literature and community consensus often view "having a fall" not just as hitting the floor, but as an event tied to age-related frailty, expected vulnerability to trauma, and a high risk of a downward health spiral. As highlighted in public health data from Age UK, falls are a leading cause of severe injury and mortality in older populations, making them a medical symptom rather than a mere accident.
  • The Body's Response: A young person who falls usually absorbs the impact with reflexes, muscle tone, and flexible joints, standing right back up. An older person experiencing a physiological fall often lacks the rapid protective reflexes or muscle power to break the fall, and the impact frequently interacts with pre-existing conditions like osteoporosis (leading immediately to hip, wrist, or vertebral fractures).
  • The "Fall Cycle": Physiologically, a clinical fall often triggers a cascade: fear of falling leads to reduced movement, which accelerates sarcopenia (muscle wasting) and deconditioning, which paradoxically raises the physiological risk of subsequent falls.

I am in my mid 70s. As an adult, I can only recall falling over three times. Once in my 40s when I twisted an ankle on a kerb and got straight back up again; a second when I skidded on a patch of wet slime mould in the back garden and fell sideways onto the lawn, again I got straight back up again, unaided. More recently, I turned in my bedroom, caught my foot under a stool and went straight over, again I got up unaided and I knew the reason for the fall and I would call these all "falling over" and not "having a fall" as there was a clear event that triggered the loss of balance.

In contrast, my late husband "had falls" in his 70s. He had loss of muscle strength; his balance was poor following a couple of strokes and a "silent" stroke in a part of the brain which controls movement and balance; he was diagnosed with vascular Parkinsonism. He had an issue with the peripheral vision on his left side. He would sometimes feel lightheaded if he needed to get out of bed at night.

He would have falls with no obvious trigger. But if he had an infection like a UTI, that would make his balance worse. In the three years before he died, five months ago, he had had at least a dozen falls. He would sometime topple over when struggling to get out of a chair. Once he was down, he often could not get back up again without assistance.

There are good sources on YouTube and medical sites for exercises to improve balance and muscle strength in the arms and legs in older people. It's helpful also to get down on the floor and practice getting back up again, unaided. There is good information on mitigating trip hazards in the home. Some type of shoes with very soft soles may reduce feedback sensation to the nervous system when out walking and a harder sole may be helpful. Sometimes turning the head quickly can trigger a loss of balance in older people.

If there was no obvious trigger for the OP's mother's loss of balance, like a rucked up rug, then I think OP could usefully familiarise herself with the causes of falls in aging people. Sorry for the length of this.

bafta16 · Today 10:21

Additup · Today 10:13

With respect this is nonsense. I'm only 3 years off 60 and I don't feel much different to when I was 40. I can assure you I'm emotionally mature, not missing out and I'm evolved (whatever that means).

Obviously I look older but that's about it. I am fortunate I'm in good health though, reasonably fit and I have a positive attitude.

I felt like that at 60.Not at 70 though.

Kewcumber · Today 10:21

I am your mothers age. How I feel is massively impacted by a freak accident in my 50's so I do have limited mobility in one leg which means the other is suffering wear and tear at a faster rate and I do feel like my 89 year old father a lot of the time!

I have a VERY active friend a year older who has recently had a hip replacement so just deciding with a broad brush that people in their 60's OUGHT to behave and feel like younger people is a bit sweeping.

I think more importantly, once you have got to the point where things become a much bigger effort can in my personal experience have a big effect on your mental health and can be quite difficult.

It is true that some people have a more positive approach and seem to be able to push through this stage and find ways to stay engaged with life.

But you can't make her, just suggest going out, drive her to go out in the evening yourself etc. That's all you can do.

Alondra · Today 10:22

RedSpotTeaPot · Today 08:47

They absolutely do test for aging vision. They are looking for cataracts, macular degeneration, glaucoma, age related close work issues (normal from age 40 onwards) and they will absolutely tell you if your eyesight is falling below the standard required for driving.

Cataracts, macular degenation and glaucoma are major eye health problems affecting not only driving but general vision in different aspects of daily life like reading.

Driving at night is a different issue as we age. Many factors like glare sensitivity and lack of quick reflexes in processing problems are a factor.

Some of you on this thread have serious problems understanding how age affect our bodies.

Additup · Today 10:22

DeftGoldHedgehog · Today 10:18

Some people are old in their 60s though and not everyone has good health or wellbeing and many people don't even make it that far. It used to be retirement age for good reasons.

I hope I won't be considering myself to be in my dotage in ten years' time but I also think it's absolutely ok to consider yourself old or slow down or make your world smaller or life easier if you want to. Some people have just had enough.

We must resist the pernicious narrative being pressed upon us by society that we have to be youthful, healthy and appear much younger than we are, or otherwise we are of no value. Particularly women.

Being old is often painted as the worst thing you can be and to be avoided. we are encouraged to hide our age or say that people "look good for their age".

Fuck off with that, frankly. I do look good but I am proudly 51 and am not trying to be 31. Anyway at 31 I had a two year old and was knackered.

Edited

Obviously, no one should be forced into living a certain way but from what OP has said it doesn't sound like her mum is in particularly poor health and it's more of a mindset she's worried about her slipping into.

bafta16 · Today 10:23

Maybe the mind set is low mood.

Neveragainplease · Today 10:29

People "silently" start developing cataracts, I was told last year that I was starting to develop them, but they are only slight, at the same age my father had had cataract surgery because his were bad enough to need it. I've also had Posterior Vitreous Detachment, die me the manifestation was flashes of light in the dark, the vitreous humour inside the eye starts detaching from the retina causing the flashes, it can cause a lot more than that, sometimes floaters or even a detached retina, but for me it was the flashes, so on top of being blinded by oncoming cars with full beam, etc you have random flashes of light in your field of vision, I didn't want to drive at night with that sort of thing ( the flashes stop when the detachment is complete BTW but you still need it checked out to make sure it hasn't caused any other issues) I guess you still get the flashes in the light but if you don't go out at night you might not notice anything.
So OPs mum does need to have her eyes checked as well as a check up at the doc if there seemed to be no reason for the fall.
Using aids at any age if needed for whatever reason is not giving in to age and in my experience can make you age faster. Mum developed quite a degree of lack of mobility in her late 80s, and insisted on a stair lift which meant she could continue to live where she was.insyras of moving, she hates a stay in a care home after an injury and discharged herself as soon as she felt ok to do so. But she wouldn't let anyone take her out in a wheelchair, so she stopped going out of the house even to the local shops, the park, or for a meal out because she couldn't manage the walk, but didn't want people to see her in a wheelchair. We had to virtually force her to get assessed for a blue badge so she could get to the doc, dentist, hospital, because she needed to be able to park as close as possible.
It's getting the balance.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · Today 10:29

Tell her to get her eyes tested.
It might be cataracts.

leparoo · Today 10:33

At 69 now, I think there are "old young" and "young old" out there. Doesn't matter which category as long as the person is content and not ill. Not everyone wants to gad about here and there and bunjee jump, skydive, climb hills, camp in a tent no matter what age they are!

Leave her be OP, if she is healthy otherwise that's a bonus. You can bring a horse to water.....

PrettyPickle · Today 10:36

@Startrekobsessed Why are you infantilising your Mum? She is an adult and she knows what she feels comfortable with and is capable of making her own decisions.

I stumbled the other day as I was climbing off the waltzers at the fun fair, I am slightly older than your mum. I didn't recover as quickly from the spinning as I used to. Its not stopping me though. I'm just being realistic about aging and being a bit more cautious.

She is not aging herself she is protecting herself and adjusting to her age realistically.

And the reality is that many people notice that driving at night becomes more challenging after 60, and it's not just imagination. Several normal age-related changes in eyesight can affect night driving:
Reduced pupil size: As we age, our pupils don't open as wide in low light, so less light reaches the retina.
Increased sensitivity to glare: Headlights from oncoming vehicles can cause more discomfort and take longer to recover from.
Reduced contrast sensitivity: It becomes harder to distinguish objects, pedestrians, road markings, or hazards in poor light.
Slower adaptation to darkness: Moving from a well-lit area to a dark road may take longer for your eyes to adjust.
Common eye conditions: Cataracts, glaucoma, macular degeneration, and diabetic eye disease can all significantly worsen night vision

Cucurella · Today 10:36

Additup · Today 10:13

With respect this is nonsense. I'm only 3 years off 60 and I don't feel much different to when I was 40. I can assure you I'm emotionally mature, not missing out and I'm evolved (whatever that means).

Obviously I look older but that's about it. I am fortunate I'm in good health though, reasonably fit and I have a positive attitude.

I'm 60 and I agree with you.

Specialneedsnightmare · Today 10:37

Startrekobsessed · Yesterday 22:01

One is what young people do and one is what old people do (in my opinion!). no one ever says a child ‘had a fall’. But I get it’s subjective.

the night driving I do understand, it’s not fun but I personally feel she’s limiting herself but now not being able to drive at night. I wouldn’t say anything it is her choice. She doesn’t have any sight problems.

she’s not worked in 4 years, she does have friends who he sees occasionally but she spends most of her time playing games on her iPad. That’s not really ageing her in anyway though.

I just worry she will manifest herself into an ‘old’ lady very quickly when she should be enjoying life. Her choice of course.

It sounds like this is more about your fear of her getting older.

TheBlueRobin · Today 10:42

My MIL prefers not to drive at night and she's early 60s. Very spritely in other ways.

The other ones I can identify with. My Mum only passed away when she was 65 but was very set in her ways, didn't have many friends never saw people, disliked travelling far (more than 30 mins), relied on me heavily for company and friendship and issues. I miss her terribly but I wonder what would have been as she had got older.

Alondra · Today 10:44

leparoo · Today 10:33

At 69 now, I think there are "old young" and "young old" out there. Doesn't matter which category as long as the person is content and not ill. Not everyone wants to gad about here and there and bunjee jump, skydive, climb hills, camp in a tent no matter what age they are!

Leave her be OP, if she is healthy otherwise that's a bonus. You can bring a horse to water.....

I find your post dismissive and arrogant. Driving at night is not "old young" or "young old". It's about people with different levels of comfort and safety on the road - safety to ourselves and as important, safety to other drivers.

Bunjee jumping, skydiver or climbing hills may put your health at risk but no other people. Driving on the other hand, risks people lives beside your own.

CloveRinse · Today 10:47

thatsgotit · Yesterday 23:19

This. OP, are you genuinely concerned about your mum, because your post just comes across derisive and mocking. Your mum's choice of words to describe falling really isn't relevant to how fast she may or may not be ageing. And, as remarked upthread, it isn't only older people who dislike night driving and find headlights too bright.

If you want to help your mum I'd suggest you try to stop acting freaked out by what you perceive to be signs that she's - heaven forbid! - getting older.

100% this.

@Startrekobsessed the way you speak about your mum really didn't come across well - your tone was so derisory and almost made her seem pathetic.

I have a really strong prescription for my short sightedness - which is inherited just looking at my family - I would very much not like to drive at night past a certain age. Many people have mentioned the super bright headlights but it's also all the scooters, bikes, the poorly lit lanes where I live. It's also the fact that unfortunately I have very poor eyesight!

I think you should be a bit kinder to your mum - honestly. You sound so critical of her.

How old are you? Have you been through menopause?

Also stop comparing to her to MIL - it's just so unkind.

My mum has a cataract in one eye and glaucoma in the other and she has stopped driving at night and anywhere unfamiliar. I'd never make her feel bad about that - in fact I am glad she made a safe choice - for herself and other road users. It has NOT narrowed her world - my sisters take turns to drive her where she needs to go. We are happy to do so.

koffielepeltje · Today 10:51

Alondra · Today 10:22

Cataracts, macular degenation and glaucoma are major eye health problems affecting not only driving but general vision in different aspects of daily life like reading.

Driving at night is a different issue as we age. Many factors like glare sensitivity and lack of quick reflexes in processing problems are a factor.

Some of you on this thread have serious problems understanding how age affect our bodies.

Agree completely with your last sentence.

Incidentally, there was a thread on MN a year or so ago where the OP was asking posters to post the things they would not be doing themselves as they became older. This provoked some odd assumptions like:

"I will not start wearing beige elasticated trousers."
"I won't be getting a blue rinse."
"I won't be wearing Hotter or Sketcher shoes."
"I won't start wearing pop socks."

and one person wrote that if she fell over she would not be telling people she'd "had a fall".

Perhaps this thread will help educate some readers on the implications of falls in the aging population.

Blondiney · Today 10:53

YABU. HTH.

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